Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" - Family - Nairaland
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| Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 5:04pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
[b]She forward this message to my mail box this morning and frankly speaking I don't know how best to advice this my friend, that's y I seek professional advice here. - - - - I would refer her to this page as soon as meaningful replies starts pouring in. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - *My marriage is just three months old. But the kind of problems we are already having is making me tired already. When my husband and I were dating we used to share his room and bed so I assumed after marriage we would share a room. But to my amazement, after a week, he told me to move my things into the next room. Even though the rooms have doors that link them together through the bathroom and toilet, I didn’t like the idea of sleeping on a separate bed from my husband at night. The more I tried to argue the point, the more determined he appeared to be. Since it was too early for us to be fighting over such a matter, I didn’t push it beyond registering my displeasures. Besides, I reasoned there is no way he would protest my sleeping in his room. But I reasoned wrongly as that night, he told me after making love to relocate to my room that he wanted his peace and space. He didn’t stop there; he told me it was a taboo for him to share his bed with a menstruating woman or a nursing mother. He also said by his upbringing, a serious minded man doesn’t allow a woman near him all the time. Finally, he told me that he would be the one coming to my room whenever he has the urge to make love. When I asked what would happen if I feel like making love, he didn’t give a reply. I thought he was joking but his attitude of the successive days showed he wasn’t. After I tried to force myself into his room once or twice, he took to locking his side of the two doors. He only opens the door when he felt like easing himself or taking his bath. It is so confusing. Another thing is the issue of joint account. He wants us to have a joint account. I don’t want it due to the experiences of my friends. He is equally adamant about it. I am honestly getting fed up with all these challenges. We dated for two years. I never knew he was this rigid and so traditional. We appear to be worlds apart. I don’t know what to do at all because the man I see daily in the house is a complete stranger who doesn’t have semblance to the one I dated and married. [/b] |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by uyiekpenm(f): 5:36pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Am so sorry for what you are presently going through. I don't know how to advice you because I am not sure of what I will do if am in your shoes. I can only say take it easy. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by aadetoyin(f): 5:48pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
3 months and u re already facing this. Its too early in ur marriage. Although for some religious reasons, some men do not sleep beside a woman during her menstral period but I am more surprised because u didn't notice this before u got married, the signs are always there. Ask him if u have done something wrong to warrant the urge for privacy. And love making shouldn't be only when he wants it. We re no longer in the stone age abeg. Try talkin to him about it but pls avoid getting angry in the process. The last thing you need is a fight or disagreement. Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ if u can talk him to letting u sleep in the same room except on occasions when u re on ur period which he might not be comfortable with. God will Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ u thru. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 5:57pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Thank u both for the advice , I wld also try talking her into convincing her husband to this page, perhaps he might just have a change of heart after reading through advices . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 6:05pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Step 1. Make sure your birth control method is rock solid. The last thing you want to do now is get pregnant and bring an innocent child in the middle of this when you don't know which way this is going. You may just be seeing the tip of the iceberg yet. Step 2. Say no to the joint account. If he can be so controlling and unreasonable about other things, then he may be about how the money in there is spent too. Stand your ground until he demonstrates himself as someone that can be reasoned with. Step 3. Well you have 3 options; accept all his conditions about sleeping and sex arrangements, accept parts of it (come to a compromise together) or push against all of it. First option is self explanatory. Second option; you could seek to compromise and accept parts of his weird, archaic demands, sleep in your own room when menstruating/nursing and in his room when you're not, make a timetable for when you can come in to his room to get yours e.t.c Approach in a non confrontational way. Third option; no be me go tell you how to do that one. I know what I would do. You got to find what works for you. aadetoyin: I am more surprised because u didn't notice this before u got married, the signs are always there. I agree with this. Though he was deceptive in this room/bed sharing instance, I bet there were some other signs before marriage that you chose to ignore. Anyway, I wish you all the best. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by feminineA: 6:19pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
I believe there were warning signals of his rigid believe in culture before you got married but what has happened has happened now the way forward. The truth is there's nothing she can do but to pray. Pray to God to soften his heart. On the issue of joint account I will say she should hold on. So he can encourage joint account and reject sharing same room  . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 6:19pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
ileobatojo: Step 1. Make sure your birth control method is rock solid. The last thing you want to do now is get pregnant and bring an innocent child in the middle of this when you don't know which way this is going. You may just be seeing the tip of the iceberg yet. I think this ur first step is a difficult pill to swallow. I do know this couple very well and can vouch the love exist , this room issue is the only problem they face , other than that , they are perfect together as one. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 6:31pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Hhmnnn My advice might sound blunt. But its all I can give. RUN so far away from him while ur legs can still carry u. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 6:32pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: As long as it is settled in her mind and she is sure of what she's doing and the implications, then she can go ahead. If all this achieves is getting her to think seriously about the implications and be sure of her decision making instead of going with the flow (or doing it just to 'cement her postion' as wife), then it is worth something. If she can ask and answer that question confidently in her mind then they are in real good shape. I know there is love but I said that because this is a young marriage and there are still many more potential challenges coming. If he can be so rigid and inconsiderate of her feelings in these things, we don't know how he will act in other upcoming trying situations. That's the reason I said that. Not just based on these two complaints she has. It does seem a bit harsh but it a reality that she will have to live with if things ever go south. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 6:35pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: And the joint account issue |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 6:37pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
candygosh: Hhmnnn what sort of advice is this Don't u get THEY ARE MARRIED . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by obyikye(f): 6:44pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
please talk to your hubby about the seperate rooms and if he insists then a matured person he listens to to talk sense into him. if he still needs his peace and space after marriage then he has no business getting married in the first place. Let her also take it to God in prayer. Good luck |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by nobniger: 6:48pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Wow! It's a problem because the idea is no mutual. However, this is her life now and just have to make the best of it. She missed all the obvious signs when they were dating and besides, you never mentioned they cohabitated. What is obvious is, some women stop FULLY taking care of themselves after marriage like they were when they were dating. Proper hygiene is a universal language. To some women and after marriage, they will ignore this and equally ignore the fact that men and women are very different. Some will even be taking care of their menstrual thing right in front of the man, or tossed away things in an open trash even though they weren't doing it before. All these can be a big turn off. Men are wired very differently and you better believe that. Accept it and make changes your own ways. I'm not a believer of divorce except for the obvious and I sincerely wish them well. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 6:54pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: The same advice I will give my. Dear friend. * three months after marriage and the husband decides he can't share his room with a menstruating n nursing woman. I tell u ask that man ; he's got an hidden agenda. * he uses her for lovemaking in the same room he doesn't want her to stay. And then throw her out like thrash. Still ask that man ; he's got something up his sleeve * and then joint account. That's a red light for her to know. She's in the wrong place. Make una ask dat man ; he's gotten something big he's planning. Well if all the point above fails. She should result to prayer. And if that doesn't yield any good result. I still maintain. She should RUN *literarily* |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 6:57pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
nobniger: Wow! It's a problem because the idea is no mutual. However, this is her life now and just have to make the best of it. She missed all the obvious signs when they were dating and besides, you never mentioned they cohabitated. What is obvious is, some women stop FULLY taking care of themselves after marriage like they were when they were dating. Proper hygiene is a universal language. To some women and after marriage, they will ignore this and equally ignore the fact that men and women are very different. Some will even be taking care of their menstrual thing right in front of the man, or tossed away things in an open trash even though they weren't doing it before. All these can be a big turn off. Men are wired very differently and you better believe that. Accept it and make changes your own ways. I'm not a believer of divorce except for the obvious and I sincerely wish them well. I completely concur with u on the bolded, though I can't tell if this my friend is guilty of this. Thanks all the same . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by ayobase(m): 6:59pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Two 'wrongs' can never make a -'right', so also two 'rights' can 'never' make a wrong. As far as this case is concerned, the man is doing the 'wrong' thing (he considered it the 'right' thing though), and the woman trying to do the 'right' thing (which is gonna be termed 'wrong' by the husband) is gonna bring HEAVY clash in the home. Two 'wrongs' can never make a 'right' What you need do is making sure you accept your husband's RULES and REGULATIONS! Make sure you are always there for him, get his food prepared at the right time, set out time to attend to his laundry, don't argue with him, watch his favourite programmes with him as often as you can, send him msgs at reasonable intervals (like asking him what he is gonna like for dinner, how much you love him, and the likes), and above all, ALWAYS PRAY FOR HIM AND YOUR MARRIAGE! The fact is this, God respects the wives more than the husbands in any marriage...the success of a marriage is determined more on the wife, likewise its failure! About the joint a/c issue. Try to cooperate to an extent (maybe a certain percentage of salary every month). I wouldn't advice you to give in all. Be wise in this regard! U wanna catch the monkey, then you are gonna need to be like a monkey. Man is known with his ego, trying to break it is gonna cause more harm....allow him....let him have all the scenes to himself....nobody is gonna tell him before he starts asking questions from his wife about some certain things when the chips ae down.....and the you wife should always be ready to give SOUND and SPECIFIC ANSWERS....don't talk much! Above all things, the husband is the head of the house, yield to his COMMANDS (its not hard at all, just take off your pride...its for your husband u love so much) and be more LOVING and CARING than ever. PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. U can do away with my pieces of advice if u want your marriage to pack up, or you want out, or you want your man to bring in another woman! BE PRAYERFUL, ALWAYS PRAY FOR HIM. AND ALSO DO A PROPER CHECK ON YOURSELF TO BE SURE U AINT DOING SOMETHINGS WRONG AFTER YOUR WEDDING! God bless you! |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Idowuogbo(f): 7:01pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Hmmm.... |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 7:07pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Idowuogbo: Hmmm.... Ur advice would be appreciated . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 7:12pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
candygosh: The man is a ticking time bomb,if she is my sister,I ll say RUN!!!before you are stuck with kids. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 7:15pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Ayobase, thank u very much for ur advice, I believe it will go a long way . |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 7:16pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
The kind of marital issues one sees on this naira land boggles the mind.OP,I really doubt the love you claim existed between this two.Seriously,I rather read others advice,as I won't want to advice what I won't do. 1 Like |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Rooneyboy(m): 7:23pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
byvan: I think u and candygosh are completely wrong, I for one like my space so much and I'm pretty sure I'll do same when I get married. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by ayobase(m): 7:27pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: Ayobase, thank u very much for ur advice, I believe it will do a long way . We pray so IJN! |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 7:33pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: Just make sure you let her know in clear terms before you get married. Not pretending before marriage and changing things up the moment she says I do. Will you also tell your wife that you both will have s*ex only when you want to and that her own s*exual needs are basically not your problem? 4 Likes |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by vanbonattel: 7:35pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
candygosh: Hhmnnn There is no big deal in seperate rooms, because, The man farts too much at night The wife snores too loudly The wife has body odour The wife/the man dey play karate when asleep She demands for love making everyday and the young man wants to live till 45 years at least. 2 Likes |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 8:03pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Rooneyboy: May be they are not compatible. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Nobody: 8:06pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by ayobase(m): 9:14pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
chaircover: Not looking too good & something is wrong somewhere. Both parties need to be honest with each other on why they got married and their expectations of marriage. When the husband is not even listening, let alone of discussing! |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Ivynwa(f): 9:26pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
Apart from instances the man shooshooed her out of the room after lovemaking and his being selfish and insensitive to his wife's s*exual needs, having separate rooms isn't such a bad idea. It gives a man and a woman some tiny degree of privacy and personal space but it shouldn't be the way this man in question is being selfish and insensitive about it. A woman that just made love to her husband should not be treated disgustingly by telling her to "go to your room, now I want my space", she will need to stay wrapped in the euphoria of the moment and dream away  till the morning comes. The good part of having separate rooms is that you get to have your personal feminine stuffs and get to handle some feminine "timing thinz" with some privacy. I will prefer that separate rooms scenario and that doesn't mean that I and hussy can't lime all night long till the morning comes on my bed or on his or can't be with each other any time of the day on any of the two rooms we find ourselves. When I was young and visits a cousin of mine, I noticed that she has separate bedroom from her husband and they are still very happy.The joint account issue, she shouldn't refuse blatantly like that or it will start causing a big rift. She can still have her private bank account, there's nothing wrong with a couple having one joint account where they contribute for the upkeep of their family first before all other accounts they may have individually. I have always been of the opinion that a woman should be allowed to have her own thing/her own bank account after the joint family one to enable her do other things she may be dreaming and wanting to achieve as a person. In this case we are discussing now, the man has spoilt his separate room arrangement with some lil bit of insensitivity and selfishness which has the woman hurting. She should communicate her hurts to her husband, no man shooshoos out a woman after making love to her as if he finds her disgusting the minute he is done taking his pleasure. Having separate bedrooms doesn't mean that his wife is bound out of his room even when she needs him. If they solve these little problems around both issues at hand and structure things in such a way that nobody feels maltreated, they will both be happy. I mean this man doesn't want to be too closeted together in a room with his wife and we can't tell the wife to pack into his room and insist on sharing a room just because that is what she wants. They have to find a better way around it that does not hurt her feelings as the man is getting on with it now. 3 Likes |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Tobiegal(f): 9:46pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
ayobase: Two 'wrongs' can never make a -'right', so also two 'rights' can 'never' make a wrong. Seriously, all these advise to be taken from someone who decides when she can come into the room and when she can not. Why should she do his laundry? That would mean she would have to enter he's precious 'mancave'! And if he thinks he's the boss and locks his room at night, by all means she should lock her's too. Two wrongs never make a right, but everyone deserves to be respected and equally sensitive to the other. There's no written book on how marriage is. For crying out loud, we must all learn to tolerate each other in marriage, that is the foundation of anything that would last long. The wife can be respectful for all you want, but without a husband that is equally responsible, tolerant and sensitive, her efforts to make the marriage work might as well be described as luring water into a basket. 3 Likes |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Tobiegal(f): 9:46pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
ayobase: Two 'wrongs' can never make a -'right', so also two 'rights' can 'never' make a wrong. Seriously, all these advise to be taken from someone who decides when she can come into the room and when she can not. Why should she do his laundry? That would mean she would have to enter he's precious 'mancave'! And if he thinks he's the boss and locks his room at night, by all means she should lock her's too. Two wrongs never make a right, but everyone deserves to be respected and equally sensitive to the other. There's no written book on how marriage is. For crying out loud, we must all learn to tolerate each other in marriage, that is the foundation of anything that would last long. The wife can be respectful for all you want, but without a husband that is equally responsible, tolerant and sensitive, her efforts to make the marriage work might as well be described as luring water into a basket. |
| Re: Advice Urgently Needed "He's Adamant On Having Separate Rooms" by Tobiegal(f): 9:49pm On Mar 17, 2013 |
ayobase: Two 'wrongs' can never make a -'right', so also two 'rights' can 'never' make a wrong. Seriously, all these advise to be taken from someone who decides when she can come into the room and when she can not. Why should she do his laundry? That would mean she would have to enter he's precious 'mancave'! And if he thinks he's the boss and locks his room at night, by all means she should lock her's too. Two wrongs never make a right, but everyone deserves to be respected and equally sensitive to the other. There's no written book on how marriage is. For crying out loud, we must all learn to tolerate each other in marriage, that is the foundation of anything that would last long. The wife can be respectful for all you want, but without a husband that is equally responsible, tolerant and sensitive, her efforts to make the marriage work might as well be described as luring water into a basket. |
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