coogar:

i am 100% certain ileoba would be one strict mum. deploying core african methods to train 21st century kids.

Lolz. Unfortunately, I'm not as strict as I would like to be. Pretty much everyone around me believes my kids are spoilt (they're pretty rambunctious and I allow many things that make some people wanna faint, especially the Naija crew). To me, I don't believe they're spoilt and I would never give them everything they want, but I definitely could be stricter.

ileobatojo:

Lolz. Unfortunately, I'm not as strict as I would like to be. Pretty much everyone around me believes my kids are spoilt (they're pretty rambunctious and I allow many things that make some people wanna faint, especially the Naija crew). To me, I don't believe they're spoilt and I would never give them everything they want.

like a true hardcore african witchdoctor.....
ileoba, i salute you.

ileobatojo:


Are you minding Jide, just because you can afford Sugarpova and not just baba dudu doesn't mean you should allow your kids destroy their teeth with candy everytime they want it.

Ahem...

Ile, abeg nor start...ma hand nor dey dia jare

Efemena_xy:

Ahem...

Ile, abeg nor start...ma hand nor dey dia jare

Ah! Efe! You've been gone too long. Jide and I are best pals now!

Welcome back!

^^ Abi? Thanks, Jare.

I have indeed-ie been away for too long! Girl, what's with the Nairaland Forum New Post list? It pops up every time I hit the reply button

Re: You and Jide - that's good to hear jare. I'm well pleased

I can't even beat my kids. Although I must say the environment in which you raise a kid also matters.

I was in Nigeria for a few months this year and my orientation I noticed had changed tremendously. I stayed with one of big aunty who had own kids, and in the Nigerian context was 'spoilt'. Esp. the last kid. He is very respectful, always prostrating to greet me and using 'sir' at every instance he addresses me which I sincerely was not comfortable with. I complained about this to the mom, but she told me to please let him continue. I had to bear with it during my stay.

The aspect where he was spoilt was that he does not know how to wash his plates, his uniform, etc. The housemaid does it or the washing machine sometimes. The mom decided that he needed to learn and he started his revolt in the house. One evening, he started crying simply because his mom asked him to wash a kitchen napkin. I asked him why he was crying.....and he said nothing. Soon after I was walked away, this boy hissed at me! The mom was shocked that I refused to discipline his son for hissing at me, citing various other instances where I also did not discipline her son for his spoilt behavior.

Needless to say, I did punish the boy after the mom talked me into it. I felt bad slightly afterwards for doing it, but environment do matter when it comes to defining what is a spoilt kid as such.

Pataki: I can't even beat my kids. Although I must say the environment in which you raise a kid also matters.

I was in Nigeria for a few months this year and my orientation I noticed had changed tremendously. I stayed with one of big aunty who had own kids, and in the Nigerian context was 'spoilt'. Esp. the last kid. He is very respectful, always prostrating to greet me and using 'sir' at every instance he addresses me which I sincerely was not comfortable with. I complained about this to the mom, but she told me to please let him continue. I had to bear with it during my stay.

The aspect where he was spoilt was that he does not know how to wash his plates, his uniform, etc. The housemaid does it or the washing machine sometimes. The mom decided that he needed to learn and he started his revolt in the house. One evening, he started crying simply because his mom asked him to wash a kitchen napkin. I asked him why he was crying.....and he said nothing. Soon after I was walked away, this boy hissed at me! The mom was shocked that I refused to discipline his son for hissing at me, citing various other instances where I also did not discipline her son for his spoilt behavior.

Needless to say, I did punish the boy after the mom talked me into it. I felt bad slightly afterwards for doing it, but environment do matter when it comes to defining what is a spoilt kid as such.

headmaster, pataki!
today's kids are complex and my biggest peeve is having to endure kids wailing in my ears. when the mum is not looking, i bribe the kid. people say it's spoiling but it's much better than the drama you would encounter while trying to straighten them up!

tpia on point!!

Pataki, did u not tell her
ban no omo ni, kode inu olomo

na u dey wan turn to enemy...

ur tale is a good illustration of not allowing kids do wat they want

how can a grown boy be crying over washing napkin...
the mum wanted a strong hand n felt u could be surrogate daddy during ur stay

Pataki: I can't even beat my kids. Although I must say the environment in which you raise a kid also matters.

I was in Nigeria for a few months this year and my orientation I noticed had changed tremendously. I stayed with one of big aunty who had own kids, and in the Nigerian context was 'spoilt'. Esp. the last kid. He is very respectful, always prostrating to greet me and using 'sir' at every instance he addresses me which I sincerely was not comfortable with. I complained about this to the mom, but she told me to please let him continue. I had to bear with it during my stay.

The aspect where he was spoilt was that he does not know how to wash his plates, his uniform, etc. The housemaid does it or the washing machine sometimes. The mom decided that he needed to learn and he started his revolt in the house. One evening, he started crying simply because his mom asked him to wash a kitchen napkin. I asked him why he was crying.....and he said nothing. Soon after I was walked away, this boy hissed at me! The mom was shocked that I refused to discipline his son for hissing at me, citing various other instances where I also did not discipline her son for his spoilt behavior.

Needless to say, I did punish the boy after the mom talked me into it. I felt bad slightly afterwards for doing it, but environment do matter when it comes to defining what is a spoilt kid as such.

coogar:

headmaster, pataki!
today's kids are complex and my biggest peeve is having to endure kids wailing in my ears. when the mum is not looking, i bribe the kid. people say it's spoiling but it's much better than the drama you would encounter while trying to straighten them up!

Lol! I think you are simply compounding the problem for another day.

Spoiling a child could have repercussions for the future. I did punish the kid (12yrs old), but I drew him closer thereafter and explained to him why I did punish him. And I bribed him with goodies just before I left Nigeria. So he promised to be a good boy forthwith.

deols:

Abi. Some people fail to see the question being asked. They have their own ideas or agenda to propagate.

Thanks for hammering it.

I saw ur first ?. Was very busy otherwise I would hv explained myself but I got cold feet when I saw this naw.u don't expect me to still expantiate after this?

biolabee: Pataki, did u not tell her
ban no omo ni, kode inu olomo

na u dey wan turn to enemy...

ur tale is a good illustration of not allowing kids do wat they want

how can a grown boy be crying over washing napkin...
the mum wanted a strong hand n felt u could be surrogate daddy during ur stay

You are very right. I realized the position I was being "entrapped" in. But considering that this kid has always been respectful, but was starting to develop the teenage rebellion years, I needed to let him know he cannot always have his way.

The mom sincerely appreciated the discipline I gave her son. Just when I was about leaving Nigeria, that anytime he misbehaves forthwith, she will apply the same punishment on him and also draw him closer afterwards to explain to him why he had to be subjected to such discipline. And quite honestly, I find beating a child very very demoralizing.

I almost fought with a woman inside a taxi in Abeokuta when she kept on smacking her child giving her "abara" repeatedly! I was shocked! But once I spoke up.....she stopped. The innocent girl was not even crying, but I could feel the moral strength of that child fading away with every slap in the public space.

Pataki:
Lol! I think you are simply compounding the problem for another day.

explain, how?
a child is reluctant to wash his plate and he's throwing tantrums. the mother wants me to deal with the situation and i go to the kitchen to talk to him.

i went: "junior, if you wash the plates without complaints, i would get you a big gift". how's that spoiling? every human needs some sorta motivation or bribery. as long as the job is done with minimum fuss, everyone wins!

Spoiling a child could have repercussions for the future. I did punish the kid (12yrs old), but I drew him closer thereafter and explained to him why I did punish him. And I bribed him with goodies just before I left Nigeria. So he promised to be a good boy forthwith.

motivation is not spoiling......
as you can see, you bribed him in the end and he promised to be good. kids are the most manipulative set of people in the world. throw them the offer and watch them change their mind almost immediately. he would have washed those plates that day if you had promised him 5 cones of ice cream!

^^^ i hope the kid keeps to that

this is the reason teenagers need a mentor not too old to be seen as a father and not hip but close enough to appreciate the trends.. girls, myspace, fb etc

those who are well guided get it while those who are not throw teenage tantrums up n down

May God help us with guiding our kids

They are our legacy

i will rather use monies withheld to use as seed money for a child's education or business idea than 'spoil' a child giving him all he wants in his morning and he gives me grief in my latter years

Then he gets used to being 'bribed' and 'sweet-talked' to wash his plates or clean his toilet

when there are no such inducements, he becomes the spitting roach-man who keeps his toilet unwashed for 3 months as we all saw in the last thread

the chronic lord of the flies

coogar:

explain, how?
a child is reluctant to wash his plate and he's throwing tantrums. the mother wants me to deal with the situation and i go to the kitchen to talk to him.

i went: "junior, if you wash the plates without complaints, i would get you a big gift". how's that spoiling? every human needs some sorta motivation or bribery. as long as the job is done with minimum fuss, everyone wins!



motivation is not spoiling......
as you can see, you bribed him in the end and he promised to be good. kids are the most manipulative set of people in the world. throw them the offer and watch them change their mind almost immediately. he would have washed those plates that day if you had promised him 5 cones of ice cream!

coogar:

explain, how?
a child is reluctant to wash his plate and he's throwing tantrums. the mother wants me to deal with the situation and i go to the kitchen to talk to him.

i went: "junior, if you wash the plates without complaints, i would get you a big gift". how's that spoiling? every human needs some sorta motivation or bribery. as long as the job is done with minimum fuss, everyone wins!



motivation is not spoiling......
as you can see, you bribed him in the end and he promised to be good. kids are the most manipulative set of people in the world. throw them the offer and watch them change their mind almost immediately. he would have washed those plates that day if you had promised him 5 cones of ice cream!

You have made the situation so simplistic. Lol. This is a kid who is the headboy in his school, very respectful and never jokes with his books. But in other aspects as relating household chores, he is deficient. I was in my room when he started crying about washing a simple napkin. All I did was to ask why he should be crying and the next thing he did was to hiss. Yeah I did overlook at that time, but soon afterwards, I did feel I would let his mom down and also make the kid feel his behavior was allowed. Hence I later decided to discipline him.

I am truly against spoiling a child, but also not of the mindset of excessive discipline on a child. Kids are very manipulative esp, kids who are raised by single parent and in most scenarios by their mother.

biolabee: Then he gets used to being 'bribed' and 'sweet-talked' to wash his plates or clean his toilet

that's not the way to look at it....
remember, he's been motivated to complete the task in the past - so he now knows how to do them. the excuse that he doesn't know how to do it simply becomes non-existent. i don't forget to put the hype machine in action too. "OMG, junior is the best dish washer on the planet, when he washes, he does it better than gordon ramsay".

his head swells, job done, case closed!!!

when there are no such inducements, he becomes the spitting roach-man who keeps his toilet unwashed for 3 months as we all saw in the last thread
the chronic lord of the flies

oh please.....
there's no human that can be dirty as that. that's just baloney. teenage dating alone improves the way boys groom themselves. tidy clothes, nice haircut, good smell and the whole works. that's a given!!!

biolabee: Then he gets used to being 'bribed' and 'sweet-talked' to wash his plates or clean his toilet

when there are no such inducements, he becomes the spitting roach-man who keeps his toilet unwashed for 3 months as we all saw in the last thread

the chronic lord of the flies

You also believe that chronic bunch of lies the idle OP packaged on that topic?

coogar:

that's not the way to look at it....
remember, he's been motivated to complete the task in the past - so he now knows how to do them. the excuse that he doesn't know how to do it simply becomes non-existent. i don't forget to put the hype machine in action too. "OMG, junior is the best dish washer on the planet, when he washes, he does it better than gordon ramsay".

his head swells, job done, case closed!!!



oh please.....
there's no human that can be dirty as that. that's just baloney. teenage dating alone improves the way boys groom themselves. tidy clothes, nice haircut, good smell and the whole works. that's a given!!!

damn that guy was a lord!!!

remember it was said he was perceived as a clean guy but inside na .....

i get u but kids test boundaries man...

Pataki:

You also believe that chronic bunch of lies the idle OP packaged on that topic?

actually i was laffinf at first but when siena and slimyem brought thier own stories,.. at least such people exist
the tribalistic connotation killed it for me at the first

even osisi brought a story of a guy in the states

biolabee:
damn that guy was a lord!!!
remember it was said he was perceived as a clean guy but inside na .....
i get u but kids test boundaries man...

i don't believe that nonsense....
no heterosexual man can be that dirty.

chaircover: Every single child is different. Some only need to read the expression in mummy's eye to fix themselves and some have to have the devil beaten out of them. As a parent you have to apply the right medicine to the right condition. Some kids you say NO to and they say ok mum, while some kids will throw tantrums and disgrace you on walmarts floor.

I supply both wants and needs for my children (most parents do this anyway) and at the same time letting them know that it is a privilege and they should not misuse it. IMO Parenting is an all round affair and its not just about discipline or being frugal. Its about communication, being there for them, spending time with them and being in their world too . . . these are the things that also shape a child. Its also about how you as parents are and how you behave in front of them. their brains are like sponges and they take everything in even though you may think that they are not watching.

Do I "spoil" my kids? maybe! . . . .but the major overall objective is making sure that when they step out into the real world they are well adjusted, happy, and a benefit to their community.

yh. parenting is all encompassing but there's a base/mindset on which the method used is created.

coogar:

i don't believe that nonsense....
no heterosexual man can be that dirty.

wat of osisi, siena or slimyems stories

jidegirl12:

^^ 2.5 mins per calendar year I.E 2yr old X 2.5mins= 5 mins timeout compared to overboard lots??

Compared to withdrawing vacation threat , duh?

I knew jide was goin to pick on withdrawing vacay.Thats abuse innit (let me go souf london on you ).Just joking.
Ok let me use another example.My daughter is a very fussy eater.I remember how I used tear my hair out that she was not eating this bla bla.So the advise I got and used make sure she is hungry and give her what she likes.That was working for a while when she liked healthy wholesome foods.eg fruits, veg, fibre cereals etc.

As soon as she clocked 3, I noticed she acquired a taste for either waffles, pancakes or croissants for breakfast.No cereals, no juice just that 3.My husband (her chief manipulatee) was like if that is what she will eat lets just give it to her.I was like but its not healthy for her, he like you just said lets just give her what she wants.I was able to reach a small compromise by putting fruits on them, blending smoothies etc.She obliged for a while but then decided she did not want the fruits as well.So it was plain croissants or pain au chocolat or pancakes or waffles with syrup.I continued with this for like a month and then she started getting constipated.

Last week I just thought to myself who is the mother in this house.Why should she be eating what she likes because that is what she wants even though its not good for her? So on that fateful day I made sure it was a day my husband left home early.She came down for breakfast and I put cheerios and orange juice on the table.She was like mummy I want pancakes or waffles.I said we have no pancakes or waffles you are having cereal and juice.She was like but I dont like cereal and juice.Ok is there croissant.I said no you are having cereal and juice.She was like cereal is disgusting.I just ignored her and went upstairs to bathe her brother.

She wailed, cried, threw tantrums, I just ignored.By the time I was ready to take to her to nursery the cereal was untouched and congealed.She said mum am hungry.I said you have food in front of you.She faffed about and we were going to be late so I took a pack for smoothies she could have on the road.In other words, she left for nursery without breakfast.Shocking but I was not going to budge .I knew the smoothie was strawberry and bannana so could hold her tummy.

Next morn, it was mummy no croissant or waffles, I said no honey its wholemeal toast and egg.She normally does not egg but she had a bit of the egg, like half the toast and drank all her juice (this time I remembered to give her apple cos she prefers it).
By this morning, she has not had waffles, pancakes or croissants for a two straight weeks.Might just give her a treat tomorrow. .Might.
All I am trying to illustrate is not ALL things they want is necessarily good for them.

Efemena_xy:

Hmmm...I can't help but feel this aspect of 'spoiling' your kids is veered more towards materialism (in a good way..)

@ Deols: what about the emotional aspect of 'spoiling' your kids? You can't always give them what they want! C'mon. There is a reason why you are the adult and they, the child(ren). You the adult, are meant to direct, guide and lead the way. They are meant to look up to you for guidance. So how do you achieve this if you give in to their every wants, needs and desires?

the emotional part, inclusive. I have always put that in mind.

So say for example, your teenage daughter (yes, teenager with the raging hormones), tells you she wants to spend the night at her boyfriend's home, what would your response be? Are you gonna give in to her because you want to 'spoil' her?

Or if your teenage son informs you that he wants to drop out of school because school's 'uncool'? What would you do then?

Here is where the environment plays a role. A child brought up to see this as wrong wouldn't demand it.

that is why it veers more towards materialism.

chaircover:

honest answer is I dont know. we try to keep them as comfortable as possible and at the same time draw the reigns as appropriate.

Yes. That is the answer right there. If you compare an average Nigerian and how they think a child should be deprived in order to be successful with you making them as comfortable as possible, you'd see that yours are in LUXURY.

biolabee:
wat of osisi, siena or slimyems stories

exaggeration borne out of myths!
just like we were told as kids that nigeria once played india and we lost 100-0 because our goalie kept seeing carnivorous cats instead of a round leather object.

coogar:

exaggeration borne out of myths!
just like we were told as kids that nigeria once played india and we lost 100-0 because our goalie kept seeing carnivorous cats instead of a round leather object.

HAHA.... damn... those stories made some people i knew way back seem as angels

deols:
the emotional part, inclusive. I have always put that in mind.



Here is where the environment plays a role. A child brought up to see this as wrong wouldn't demand it.

that is why it veers more towards materialism.

Errm I was brought up to see this as wrong.Even as a 25 yr old working lady, my parents still would not knowingly let me sleep over at my fiance 's (fiance not boyfriend o) house.
BUT as a teenager though not that as extreme as sleeping over but I often wanted to have boys over to vist.Even my boyfriend sef cos I had one .Despite my parents very best efforts.

Kids push boundaries, they need to know that yeah you might be comfortable and all( besides comfortability is relative.my 3 yr old has a tablet to some people that might be 'spoilt' but to us its cheaper than our ipads and she uses it for learning as well.to some people its nothing at all) but the world owes you nothing.As most people have said I want them to know that they are more priviledged than some and loads of other people are also more priviledged than they are.

Its a thin line between the material and emotional aspects.

@ tpia

.

your thread title and subsequent post started off on the wrong footing, you sound like people who see things in either black or white, ie good or bad with no in between. One dimensional thinking.

I used to just have my own thoughts and just do my thing my way. But I have seen the wisdom in hearing what other people have to say. If I was one dimensional, I wont be here.

why should you think its normal for another person to beat, bully, shout at or hurt your kids?

No. I dont think it is normal but there are some people who think there is nothing wrong with others spanking their kids. I have had a similar discussion with people of my age group who think it is ok if others beat their Children.

how does not allowing demented characters to abuse/insult your kids, amount to the kids being "bad people"?

if you dont take that kind of crap for your own self, why are you wondering if its ok for your kids?

I wasnt wondering. I was asking of what you think. The question is not only for the beating part but everything that connotes 'spoiling'.

I have the records of almost all, if not all of the beatings I got in secondary school. I dislike everyone involved for it. There is no way I would want such a treatment for others, let alone my own children.

Now, if you were an aunt who gets the stare/remark against hitting someone else's child, would you find it offensive, see the woman as a bad mother or the children as spoilt?






these define being human.

parenting is much more.






i wonder if you were able to glean something?[/quote]

deols:
the emotional part, inclusive. I have always put that in mind.



Here is where the environment plays a role.

Sorry, I don't get you on the bolded part. The initial post stated quite clearly, a determination to 'spoil' the child, giving in to their every wish (be it 'needs' or 'wants'), so how does the environment factor in this? In bringing up the child?

deols: A child brought up to see this as wrong wouldn't demand it.

On the contrary, it's a well known fact that most teenagers rebel against forms of authority in order to 'assert' themselves, parents included. They would go against the norm, push the boundaries which is all normal. (It's no fun experiencing this as a parent but it does happen).

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is this: Firstly, you haven't really answered the questions I asked, regarding how you would handle those two scenarios I've drawn, if presented to you by your teenage kids. What would you do? Give in? Or put your foot firmly down and say 'no'?

deols: that is why it veers more towards materialism.

Actually, it goes beyond materialism and extends into the emotional part. Saying yes to every material desire simply paves the way for them expecting a 'yes' to their emotional demands. Think about it. If I child is brought up believing the world owes them everything and not vice versa, whose to say what happens when they get much older and find that real life really doesn't work that way?

How would they cope then, as young adults?

How would they understand the concept of working hard for what they want? Without it being handed over to them on a plate?

Just asking...

damiso:
Errm I was brought up to see this as wrong.Even as a 25 yr old working lady, my parents still would not knowingly let me sleep over at my fiance 's (fiance not boyfriend o) house.
BUT as a teenager though not that as extreme as sleeping over but I often wanted to have boys over to vist.Even my boyfriend sef cos I had one .

but did they?