A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) - Poems For Review - Nairaland
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| A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 9:52pm On Aug 31, 2013 |
A Critique of Some of the Poems I have read. Before I start I'll like all concerned to know and respect the fact that this is MY opinion and you are free to think contrary. I am no professional, I am just trying to help out where I can. So here we go  .Russigin's My Alter Ego. This topic (in my opinion) isn't exactly hard as first glance but presents a difficult task in terms of translating into words to create a perfect picture. What I liked. The way you presented your alter ego as if it was your tender lover, and yet one who was strong hearted and somewhat cold. I also liked your play with words, such as "amigo, Incognito, shoe and shoe laces. What I didn't Like, In your poem there wasn't really a wow moment or anything out of the blues. One that leaves an impression in the mind of the reader. Plus your poem seem to lack continuity, in the first stanza, you described your (second stanza: line one) alter ego as "it was created with the original me" and in the eight (final) stanza, line two "we met by chance". Typographical error? Stanza four; line one, "who wouldn't WEEP my tears". At first I thought that was intentional but the subsequent line proved me wrong. "instead would cry with me...". To WEEP, is to morn or cry over something. So I am guessing you meant WIPE, which means to dry. All in All your poem was nice. Shugamania's Two Hours to Live. Your poem started out like its subject matter was 'water', which had me a bit confused, reading further (stanza two) brought more clarity. As I read your poem I couldn't help asking myself if it reflected what we'll really do if we had Two Hours to Live. The answer wasn't encouraging. What I liked. I liked the use of the word 'reaper', it sends the image of the hands of death approaching. Thus re-enforces the theme. What I didn't Like. You didn't explore the the death well enough (my opinion), and also didn't play with words to create a perfect imagery. Princesa's I am Guilty of Murder By Default. The possibility and direction of this topic is endless. And I must say, I love where you took us. What I Liked. I liked your play with words, your imagery is beyond doubt excellent (no flattery). What I didn't Like. Nothing much, aside from the use of 'i' instead of 'I' in the concluding parts of your poem. Also it ended rather abruptly (my opinion). I would have loved the character to have been portrayed as feeling guilty and yet acknowledging the necessity of her action and willingness to do it all again ( I am not a hater of remorse but there is an attraction towards venturing into the dark side of poetry. Who better than You to explore it). Jackbauerballs's Rapture The first thing that captured my attention in your poem is "I missed the Rapture". That alone demanded that I adjust my sitting position to pay more attention. Your approach to the subject 'Rapture' is definitely unconventional and I liked it. You weren't afraid to explore the 'dark side' and you did just fine (hope you don't get left behind though). You portrayed those left behind as 'Kings' and reaping the fruit of 'Freedom'. When in fact they are slaves to the pursuit of freedom and their perverse desires. And if anything freedom is the last word suitable to describe the post-rapture years. You did little to build in the mind of readers detailed pictures of life in the the era you speak of. That would have been more appreciable. She-blayze's Letter To My Future Husband. Wao! First thought in my head, really long poem. That's what I noticed first. I believe you could have made it shorter and yet achieved same or better quality. Its a nice poem, you did justice to the topic. I would have loved to see an ounce of jealousy in your poem, wondering who he is with?, planning your future with him like kids do. 2 Likes |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 9:54pm On Aug 31, 2013 |
I'll update the my earlier post as I proceed. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 9:57pm On Aug 31, 2013 |
For the poems visit this link www.nairaland.com/1402354/nairalands-poet-competition-season-2 |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 10:24pm On Aug 31, 2013 |
yet you say you did only a crash course in literature, well dude, you are proving that wrong and are doing excellently well with the review  so about my poem, can i defend the flaws you mentioned you saw in it? 1 Like |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 10:33pm On Aug 31, 2013 |
princesa: yet you say you did only a crash course in literature, well dude, you are proving that wrong and are doing excellently well with the review Thanks  . Yes! you can, the floor is yours. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 12:22am On Sep 01, 2013 |
ayd91:okay, but lets make it later, let me put myself more into perspective |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by Mynd44: 12:24am On Sep 01, 2013 |
Why is this in Literature/writing? |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by badmusace(m): 12:34am On Sep 01, 2013 |
Nice one bro Will be waiting for others |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 7:16am On Sep 01, 2013 |
Mynd_44: Why is this in Literature/writing? Its a critique, a write up about literature (poetry). Its not poetry. I can't think of a better place to put it. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 7:18am On Sep 01, 2013 |
badmusace: Nice one bro thanks bro. . |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 7:19am On Sep 01, 2013 |
princesa: okay. Take all the time you need. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by Mynd44: 8:59am On Sep 01, 2013 |
ayd91:No you are reviewing poems which makes it better suited for "Poems for review". |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by Shugamania(f): 7:45pm On Sep 01, 2013 |
ayd91: A Critique of Some of the Poems I have read. Hi there ay, i really appreciate this review. There's a part of the poem i deleted after uploading cos it seemed too long to me, Maybe that part would have created d link with water. Now, to my excuses.. The poem i submitted is actually like a rough draft, i jst wrote down d thoughts in my head at d time and intended to work on it before i submit...but i couldnt, for reasons i cant disclose here. Coupled with d whole design trouble, I almost opted out sef, i eventually submitted a few minutes to the deadline. Well, am learning.. Thanks once again, i'll love to see more reviews if u have d time.. pls check out my other poems. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 3:51pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
Shugamania: I'd love to. We are all learning , and glad you didn't opt out. Its worth the experience.I understand the effects of time constraint on proper delivery. I faced something similar. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 3:51pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
Scorpidmo's Female Circumcision. "Pools of red"? So vivid. I couldn't help feeling like I was present watching all the action (Circumcision). If I hated the action, now I loath it. What I didn't Like. Your poem needs improvement the area of punctuation. This makes it a bit difficult to read the poem comfortably. Also you made use of 'i' instead of 'I'. I noticed your poem's first word has its letter in lower case. Same with all the first words in your stanzas. What I liked. I liked the way you portrayed the event. Its almost like you lived the experience. You did well (especially for a guy). I loved this part "mama whispering songs and praises", sought of like a faithful shepherd leading his sheep to the slaughter house. Your poem also highlights how man (woman) is enslaved by his culture and brought to conformity. And how the vicious circle continues from mother to daughter, to daughter to grand daughter on and on. Kennikazi's I am Guilty of Murder by Default. I'll try to be as straight as possible, you could have done much better than you did with this topic. Perhaps this isn't an area suited for you. What I didn't Like. Use didn't make use of imagery, i didn't feel this poem (I am being straight with you). It was flat. Also I couldn't get the angle on your poem. I know its easier to criticise than write but someone has got to say it. What I liked. The correct use of 'I' and proper punctuation. D-hammer's Female Circumcision. What is most noticeable in your poem is your system of narration. Getting three perspectives is really appreciable (a touch of genius). Its gives us the opportunity to assess all the point of views (nearly free from bias). The old woman's perspective helps us understand the old cultural ways, while the blade's perspective provides a strong imagery for the readers and the girl's (victim's) perspective provides the insight in what goes through the minds of the victims and their cry for change. What I Liked. Its a balanced poem (my opinion). What I didn't Like. Don't know whether this should be a dislike but your writing technique is a "free verse". This makes it rather difficult to read. Oms's Rapture your poem is very descriptive and your imagery is pretty nice. Your diction, also admirable. I like this lines "doubt is murdered" "Jill loses Ben". It paints an almost 'perfect picture' of what would happen when/if Rapture occurs and the crazy thoughts that would creep in their minds. What I didn't Like. Your poem ended rather abruptly. I'd have preferred you exploring more into the subject "Rapture". Like the aftermath, and destination, even if you make it mysterious. The more the mystery the better. You left me with the questions, Raptured to where? What happens to those left behind? Plus your poem didn't capture any emotion of the subjects in the poem. Like where is the horror? The jubilation? Badmusace's Rapture. Your poem's account of Rapture is somewhat inadequate. The last two stanzas (for me) made the most sense and related well the rapture. Your work is promising and I believe with more time on your hands you'd have done a lot better. What I liked. I liked what you did in the first three lines. What I didn't Like. Your poem's title is rapture but it 'seems' like a poem about the end of the world. That's why I preferred the last two stanzas. They center more on Rapture. Irshittabey's My Alter Ego. I consider you poem as lite, your diction is simple, little or no word play. This makes it easier to read for an average reader but a bit boring to poet 'freaks'. There isn't really anything surprising to look out for, no serious application of Imagery, irony and its like. It tells us about "Your Alter Ego", but I really wish you made it more poetical. 1 Like |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 4:00pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
My apologies for the long delay. I was out of town and sadly out of cell coverage. I am currently on my way back. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 4:17pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
Mynd_44: you've made your point. So, how do we correct this error ? |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 5:16pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
Every poem has its purpose, a message, a goal set out to achieve. This is guided by its topic. If at the end of your poem, you haven't accomplished that, then your poem isn't complete. If you need to interpret your poem before it is understood, then your poem is obviously lacking. In our attempt to make beautiful poetry we shouldn't lose sight of what is important. Which is getting read and being understood. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by Irshittabey: 11:11pm On Sep 03, 2013 |
ayd91:Thank you very much for the review,I really find it hard to do anything when I am tied to a topic, I prefer the lines being inspired by my emotions rather than topics,I guess this is my acchiles's heels. And I guess my majoring in the sciences isn't helping either ,I'll just keep trying till I get there(become a better poet). Thanks once again. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 12:41am On Sep 04, 2013 |
Irshittabey: . This was my first time writing outside pure inspiration. Having to select from a host of topics posed a challenge to me. I chose the one I felt the most connection to.Being able to write on a topic of some else's choice is the next level of poetry. My advise to you is try random topics (perhaps relating to your field or experience/ something you share a connection with). Before long you'll be totally versatile. Wish you the best Irshittabey .1 Like |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by Irshittabey: 10:16pm On Sep 04, 2013 |
ayd91:Thanks alot,I'll take to your advice,and I hope I do become 'totally versatile' as you mentioned. Thank you. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 11:58pm On Sep 04, 2013 |
#walks in for defence of my poem# - let me start with the dark side thingy: why would you think i have the ability to explore dark side in poetry? Did you read any poem of mine where i explored that theme? Anyways, i do have a thread on something like that, but its past and was done quite far ago! And So is my thirst for exploring dark sides - you also say it ended abruptly? Well, am not one to love lengthy poems, so while i was writing it, i was very conscious of its length so i dnt put off and bore scanning readers. that should be my defence for ending the poem rather abruptly. - then i instead of I?  for crying out loud, its a poem not some English essay! Have you Heard about poetic licence before? Okay, am not trying to say am right, but just that error like that should easily have been over looked, especially by the infamous judge 1 who am sure marked people down because of it  - and finally the lady was very remorseful all tru out the poem, remorse was basically one of the motif of the poem, so i don't know why you feel she wassnt remorseful enough... |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 8:37am On Sep 05, 2013 |
Reserved |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 8:40am On Sep 05, 2013 |
Irshittabey: ,See you at the top where champions dwell, for the path you thread, heads to where all is well. 1 Like |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 9:09am On Sep 05, 2013 |
princesa: #walks in for defence of my poem# Literary Court is In Session. Miss Princesa for Defence, Ayd91 for Prosecution. Dark side: I have read some of your poems and your Nairaland persona seems to suggest you'll be well suited for it (don't ask what I mean 8-)). Abrupt ending: while I am aware of Length issues and Readers, I am sure you could have manipulated it to suit your desired length. Poetic Licence ke? That won't save you o! . Judge One got me thinking, " is it a function of the number or " even I scored Low.Remorse: Her remorse was okay, my issue was she didn't seem defend her action and willingness to do it over again. It makes me wonder if she'll do same differently if given another chance, or perhaps do it again, thus proving her action was a 'Necessary Evil'. Its one thing to soak over an action, its another thing to wish to undo it. ;( bring back the dark side bring back life to that side. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 9:38am On Sep 05, 2013 |
No way, am now on the light side and trying big big hard to erase the memories  and the urge  well, since the poem has been graded already, i guess the chapter is closed? Thanks for the review though #do i have a dark side personality on nl? I thought it was a happy-go-lucky one |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 9:41am On Sep 05, 2013 |
But... If you're still strung on blood, here's the link to the bloody side of me www.nairaland.com/146433/lets-get-bloody-rhymed-poems |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 10:24am On Sep 05, 2013 |
princesa: No way, am now on the light side and trying big big hard to erase the memories lol, okay. *hands out a magic eraser*, you can use this .Your personality is what it is, subject of another essay. I just might open a thread on that . |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 10:26am On Sep 05, 2013 |
princesa: But... If you're still strung on blood, here's the link to the bloody side of me do I need to wear red? Off to go read. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by princesa(f): 10:35am On Sep 05, 2013 |
ayd91: oh please don't, i like to remain in the shadows and no, you don't need to wear red, just hold tightly to ur heart  |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by ayd91(m): 11:16am On Sep 05, 2013 |
princesa: shadows seem dark (darkside?) to me . I sure will .Now back to this reviewing business. |
| Re: A Critique Of Poems Featured In Nairaland's "The Poets" Competition Season 2 (2) by timpaker(m): 1:27pm On Sep 05, 2013 |
princesa: But... If you're still strung on blood, here's the link to the bloody side of me I just dropped a little piece there.... I must confess I got scared reading some poems there. people get mind ooooo ***Doing sign of the cross*** As for the review/critique of the featured poems.... I'm silently following 1 Like |
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