Mindfulness:


Do it only if you don't look like an anorexic chicken.



Very true. It's quite normal for women to feel Hot during the phase of their menstrual cycle when they are fertile and it's pretty normal for them to lose some appetite after childbirth. If it is a permanent issue, the reasons can be plenty. However, very few Nigerians consult a gynecologist even though modern medicine can fix this problem easily - provided the cause is a physiological change.

But then again, sex is very much a mind thing for women so if preoccupied with a lot, it's hard for thoughts of feeling/being sexy to take hold.

Depression, I know is another libido killer, anxiety etc so the psyche does play a big part.

shaybebaby:

But then again, sex is very much a mind thing for women so if preoccupied with a lot, it's hard for thoughts of feeling/being sexy to take hold.

Stress can kill anyone's li.bido.

Depression, I know is another libido killer, anxiety etc so the psyche does play a big part.

True. And like someone pointed out, a woman who has been brought up to condemn her se.xuality will struggle in this arena too.

Mindfulness:


Stress can kill anyone's li.bido.



True. And like someone pointed out, a woman who has been brought up to condemn her se.xuality will struggle in this arena too.

Sigh, too many possible, plausible reasons that I'm just a bit weak.

However, the only way this can be resolved is for the Mrs to acknowledge that:
1) her man isn't happy
2) understand that it is something that can be changed if she is willing to explore why exactly she isn't as rampant as her partner desires.
3) understand what she wants from their sex life and what he wants as well

4) communicate with each even if it means some uncomfortable truths
5)after identifying where the dissonance stems from, work together on a suitable compromise

shaybebaby:

Sigh, too many possible, plausible reasons that I'm just a bit weak.

However, the only way this can be resolved is for the Mrs to acknowledge that:
1) her man isn't happy
2) understand that it is something that can be changed if she is willing to explore why exactly she isn't as rampant as her partner desires.
3) understand what she wants from their sex life and what he wants as well

4) communicate with each even if it means some uncomfortable truths
5)after identifying where the dissonance stems from, work together on a suitable compromise

See manual.

Mindfulness:


See manual.

Hehehehehehe, why? WHY??!
I'm laughing again like a nutter.

shaybebaby:

Hehehehehehe, why? WHY??!
I'm laughing again like a nutter.

The more fun you have, the better.

Mindfulness:
I am not sure but I don't think that anyone suggested doing all this each time the husband wants s.ex. I think that the idea behind it was to bring romance back to the relationship on the assumption that many men tend to neglect this aspect.

According to the OP, They have sexx which the wife enjoyed only that the frequency isnt okay with him. He would want like multiple times a week while the wife probably wants once in 2 months

In my opinion, The majority of sexx in a marriage of 2 people who work full time are just mechanical sexx. The sexx just to get it out of your system until a good day comes. Most time one party wants the other doesnt, But you just accomodate the other . You cant be coming from work have 1hr after meal to sleep and think its time to light candles, play soul music and seduce, You just want almost like a quickie and get it over with.

On Friday night and weekends you do the elaborate full course menu.

And the thing about sexx is the less you have it the less frequent you would till it gets to a stage you even forget its part of married life. At that point one or both partners are just a random flirt from falling

Some women make it seem like its soo much hard work just to get laid. Its just sexx not like astro physics or sending rockets to the sun where you have to prepare elaborately as condescending as it sound over a billion people even homeless people, agberos, refugees in IDP have sexx why should it now be a good looking, financially average, responsible family man that would have to beg for what every random Emeka, Sule and Ayo does without even being in a committed relationship never mind marriage

raumdeuter:

According to the OP, They have sexx which the wife enjoyed only that the frequency isnt okay with him. He would want like multiple times a week while the wife probably wants once in 2 months

It happens to many women after childbirth. I believe there are hormonal changes involved. I am not an expert though and you tend to know more on the subject matter than I do.

In my opinion, The majority of sexx in a marriage of 2 people who work full time are just mechanical sexx. The sexx just to get it out of your system until a good day comes. Most time one party wants the other doesnt, But you just accomodate the other . You cant be coming from work have 1hr after meal to sleep and think its time to light candles, play soul music and seduce, You just want almost like a quickie and get it over with.

Mechanical s.ex? It sounds terrible; not that I need candles and soul music each time oga wants a round but mechanical sounds really terrible to me.

On Friday night and weekends you do the elaborate full course menu.

That's something, isn't it?

And the thing about sexx is the less you have it the less frequent you would till it gets to a stage you even forget its part of married life. At that point one or both partners are just a random flirt from falling

Very true.

Some women make it seem like its soo much hard work just to get laid. Its just sexx not like astro physics or sending rockets to the sun where you have to prepare elaborately as condescending as it sound over a billion people even homeless people, agberos, refugees in IDP have sexx why should it now be a good looking, financially average, responsible family man that would have to beg for what every random Emeka, Sule and Ayo does without even being in a committed relationship never mind marriage

Well, you say it's just s.ex. Many women were brought up to believe something else. Maybe that's one of the problems / causes?

tearoses:
https://www.nairaland.com/3150116/husband-selfish
Just saw this
Coach TV, dayo, Rilokley........

The truth is men and women are different.
In most cases
A boys dream even from teenage years is to sleep with as many people. penetrate bust a nut and get on to the next one. They only change when they grow older and want to become more responsible as a result of the societal wishes.
A girls dream even from teenage years is romance with one super person. cuddle, kiss, go for a walk and live like that forever

As a man when you are begging your WIFE for sexx, it tells you that you are not desirable to her and to start all those convincing dancing, begging for sexx, it hits your pride and you just think of it that "I cant be that bad, there would be a woman who wants to fucck me even if she isnt this top professional, even if its a woman from my village, I just want to fucckkk"

So for a monogamous marriage between the two to work there have to be a lot of compromise from both sides.

...continued. And I'll tackle specifics here, and share a little on how I handled this.

RiloKiley:
Having the same issue with my wife. Love her and all but the sex is waaaay below par. Strangely enough, she was an Olympian in bed pre-marriage. I talked and talked, raged and pleaded, did all the house chores I could lay my hands on, dialed up the romance settings and talked some more. All with little improvement.

Almost universally women will advise you to apply this technique, and I'm sure they are very well intentioned, but due to a vested interest and blind spot, they hardly ever see, or understand why this advice can only work in very few instances, or like you've noted yield disappointingly meagre results.

It's typically 1 of 3 broad things; 1. Attraction, 2. Libido, 3. Situational trauma, or possibly a combo. That determines your approach. This sounds like 2/3, and includes things like illness, pregnancy/birth, hormonal changes, increased stress etc. I'm presuming it's not in any way 1. related,based on what you've said.

RiloKiley:
I finally resolved within myself that she was telling the truth when she said one day that after our first kid the urge in her withered. I decided to ignore her and see how long she could go. It wasnt easy .I've studied her and have tabulated her sexual needs at once in six weeks, as in , after six weeks she starts throwing me subtle hints and green light. As for me, I'm a tri-weekly fellow, and I think that's not too much.

I'm happy that you've communicated with, and trust your wife. And also studied her. As I posted in the linked thread, you ultimately have to reach a compromise, and this is where the work and commitment come in.

You may not become a 6 weekly man anytime soon, and it's unlikely that she get's to thrice a week in the near term . But what you have to do is find ways and possibly a key to help her ramp it up and possibly introduce variation so that you get more frequent release along with the less frequent romps.

I've been there. I made a comment earlier on this thread; note the subscript - https://www.nairaland.com/1582623/boys-night-out-discussions/53#30649405

It was a traumatic birth, the second, and I knew my wife would need time. No problem, I was happy to give her all the time she needed. It's marriage right? In it for the long-haul. But after a while, and far longer than after the first, things weren't progressing as I would have liked.

So I met it head on. You have too. heard her out about how she felt and what she thought. After the first birth,things returned to normal without me getting to the point of being concerned, after the second, she was finding it that much harder and the appetite just wasn't there. The changes can be wide-ranging.

The physical ones, made little difference to me, if anything I loved her more. Then it hit me, I realised she had to get to a place like we were on honeymoon, Feeling good, sexy, desirable. I applied a slight variation of the model I apply to men - specifically around exercise.

It took a while, and there were other adjustments, but starting with a personal trainer - it couldn't be me I'm too hard a taskmaster - she worked her way up to 4 sessions a week. The transformation was amazing.

Long/short, she's back firing on all cylinders, is more proactive and surprises me occasionally. We often sneak off work Fridays as the children are in nursery - just to catch up on sleep 0 !

It's still a different setting to before kids, but we work with that, you simply have to. Work with her to get as closely back to that optimum state. Whatever it takes, but the key is figuring out what that is. Medical, physical, situational, relational, etc.

And of course you both have to want it and be ready to work at it. And, the point I keep coming back to, if you don't both feel the other and the relationship are worth it, whence the motivation?

We went to a party recently and the woman next to my wife spent a lot of time bonding with her. Afterwards she said she hoped I appreciated my wife, how good she looked and all the effort she made. I just laughed .

All the best. Don't look outside, look inward. All you need is there. Trophy wife by fire by force .

RiloKiley:
I worry sometimes if this is how we r going to be until....whenever. But I guess everyone has their issues and no marriage is perfect.

I think the ladies on here hate to admit it, but they just don't have the same sexual libido as us guys. Inasmuch as they crave romance which I don't think its a bad thing in itself, it behoves them to realize that we men are wired different and are highly tempted to go outside if we can't find our sexual satisfaction indoors.

For any lady reading this. Its good to make love. It's good to give and receive romance. But for goodness sake once in a while help your husband and just have sex with him, whether u are romantically inclined to do so or not. Take it as your sacrifice and know it benefits both of you on the long run. Don't be selfish with your bodies. Help us out. We men hate rejection too and being rejected over and over and over again, well, there's just so much any man, trustworthy or not, can take.

Thanks.

True talk, but good luck with the vested interest and blind spots.


TV

Mindfulness:
It happens to many women after childbirth. I believe there are hormonal changes involved. I am not an expert though and you tend to know more on the subject matter than I do.

Thats a posibility or the thought that they have bagged the guy already and no need to put extra effort unlike while dating when bedroom skills was probably one of the things done to impress

Mechanical s.ex? It sounds terrible; not that I need candles and soul music each time oga wants a round but mechanical sounds really terrible to me.

Maybe straight to the point sexx would sound better to you but you get the gist. We both need to get to work tomorrow, Lets just satisfy our lust

Well, you say it's just s.ex. Many women were brought up to believe something else. Maybe that's one of the problems / causes?

Maybe. But IMO not realistic. Just like food, you cant hope to eat well prepared 5 course meal everyday which took 4hrs to prepare, Many times you just warm left over food in the microwave or just cheerios, corn flakes or garri and move on until the next 5 course meal comes

raumdeuter:


Thats a posibility or the thought that they have bagged the guy already and no need to put extra effort unlike while dating when bedroom skills was probably one of the things done to impress

Thinking that you don't need to work on the relationship once you get married and showing no appreciation for your spouse as a result of such thinking is a recipe for disaster.

Maybe straight to the point sexx would sound better to you but you get the gist. We both need to get to work tomorrow, Lets just satisfy our lust

Straight to the point s.ex sounds way better.

Maybe. But IMO not realistic. Just like food, you cant hope to eat well prepared 5 course meal everyday which took 4hrs to prepare, Many times you just warm left over food in the microwave or just cheerios, corn flakes or garri and move on until the next 5 course meal comes

Nothing wrong with a quickie. Variety is the spice of life.
My two cents.

raumdeuter:


The truth is men and women are different.
In most cases
A boys dream even from teenage years is to sleep with as many people. penetrate bust a nut and get on to the next one. They only change when they grow older and want to become more responsible as a result of the societal wishes.
A girls dream even from teenage years is romance with one super person. cuddle, kiss, go for a walk and live like that forever

As a man when you are begging your WIFE for sexx, it tells you that you are not desirable to her and to start all those convincing dancing, begging for sexx, it hits your pride and you just think of it that "I cant be that bad, there would be a woman who wants to fucck me even if she isnt this top professional, even if its a woman from my village, I just want to fucckkk"

So for a monogamous marriage between the two to work there have to be a lot of compromise from both sides.

Some of these women need a reality check. Ironically there are other women who would kill for a man who wants to shine her congo three times a week
I don't think these women even understand the wide range of options available to a married man. Starting with social media (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat e.t.c) if he's not tech savvy what of the day to day interactions with women young and old who just need someone to warm their beds. Personally for women that don't want to give it to their husbands I suggest a tour round Opebi-Allen axis on a typical Friday night. All my married friends tell me that marriage has unlocked a new level and bevy of women to them, women that would ordinarily play hard to get even for single chaps like us are now falling at their feet

pickabeau1:
Good discussion all

Surprisingly kimoni is still on this her crusade

Carry go ooooo

Which crusade?

Kimoni:


Which crusade?

Lol

You just replied

..that there are no issues in relationships with earning disparities skewed to the woman

pickabeau1:


Lol
You just replied
..that there are no issues in relationships with earning disparities skewed to the woman

No vex Pick...work too mush ni. But really, no issues naa. If there are issues, then it's something else.

Raumtedeur, how do you do?

Kimoni:
No vex Pick...work too mush ni. But really, no issues naa. If there are issues, then it's something else.
Raumtedeur, how do you do?

I dey like Dele Times jare any news?

raumdeuter:


I dey like Dele Times jare any news?

Naijababe, another old skull spotted. ki lo n je Daily Times?? In this day and age

Kimoni:


Naijababe, another old skull spotted. ki lo n je Daily Times?? In this day and age

Dayo is beyond old skull, he is a dinosaur abeg

Kimoni:


No vex Pick...work too mush ni. But really, no issues naa. If there are issues, then it's something else.

Raumtdeur, how do you do?

i feel u... in this economy...hustle must double

no problem

Hello peoples, how una dey. Recently came across an interesting article which I would like y'all to talk about. Our sisters welcome too.

Kimoni
Tearoses
Bukatyne. Etc...

Crackhaus, I decided to post it here after all.

So. Here goes.

I'm In Debt To My Ex-Husband. I Pay Him $120 A Month
Vanessa Garcia

Debt: $16,120

Source: Car loan

Estimated years until debt-free: Around 10 years

I’m about to marry my true life partner, and I’m carrying with me a debt to my ex-husband of $16,120. For the sake of clarity in telling the story of how this happened, I’m going to call my ex-husband Franco and my future husband by his real name: Ignacio.

I married Franco in my early thirties. We’d been together seven years by then, and marriage seemed like the right thing to do. Franco insisted that if we were going to get married, we had to share expenses, “50/50,” he called it. Feminist that I am, I had no problem with that. We agreed, and started to go about our married life. I paid for half the rent, half the couch. Groceries: same. If the nice area rug we bought online cost $300.82, then I paid $150.41.


The problem, however, was that he made 3 times the amount of money I did. I’m a writer and artist by profession. He owned a web design company that was doing very well.

It wasn’t long before I started getting very tired. I felt like I was working three times as hard as he was in order to meet my “half.” One day, I walked into his office at home, and he was sitting, shirtless, feet on his desk, playing with his chest hair. A realization hit me. He’s coasting, said the little voice inside me. The 50/50 model wasn’t balanced. I had to sweat much more for my 50%. I was investing cash and sweat equity.

I brought it up. I told him I thought it was unfair, but he wouldn’t budge. I started to worry. Was this a real partnership? Was this a union? This had nothing to do with feminism. Actually, if I didn’t speak up, fight against what I felt was an injustice, what kind of feminist would I be? But the question that had me in knots for days for days was: what would happen if we had kids?

To lighten the tension between us, we decided to take a little vacation. We took my car, a ’96 Mercedes Benz, out to the Mojave Desert. This was probably around 2010, so the car was old, but it had always been a real trooper. On our way home, however, the Benz started to choke, jumping up and down, like something was strangling it – the heat, our weight. It wasn’t working.

We had no signals on our phones, so we knew that if the car gave out, we’d be in trouble. But trusty as it was, it sputtered all the way back to Los Angeles, and, I’m not exaggerating, the second we pulled into our parking spot at home, it flat-lined. Franco, an agnostic, looked up and said out loud: “If there is a god, this sure is proof.” Relieved, we had a good, nervous laugh.

The next day when I brought up what we might do about the car, he made it clear that I was on my own. The only thing I could afford was a cheap lease, so I told him that. He thought that was a financially unsound idea, and concluded that he wouldn’t mind loaning me the money to purchase a new car.

Loan? My husband is going to “loan” me money? Something felt wrong about the whole thing, but I took the loan, and bought a car, while our marriage continued to sputter. We ended up in couple’s therapy, went through two therapists. One of them straight out suggested a divorce. The other was subtler, though she finally got us to unthread the knot we had woven when we decided to marry.

We filed an amicable divorce and remained friends. I told Franco that he should keep the car – I hated debts. His response was that the car had already devalued and was now worth less than the loan, so I would have to pay him the difference between its current value and the loan itself. I didn’t think this was a good deal at all. So, even though it was only a verbal agreement inside a marriage, I still carry the debt to this day. I pay my ex-husband $120 every single month. If I feel I can pay more a particular month, I do that.

Now older and wiser, I know what partnership means for me. Ignacio and I are in harmony. At one point, Ignacio offered to help pay my debt to Franco, but I refused. It was not his mistake, nor is it his responsibility. Also, sending off that electronic payment every month helps me to remember my mistakes, and, to some degree, reinforce the love I have for Ignacio.


https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/sep/12/split-everything-marriage-money-debt-divorce

Timbuktou, sure was a funny read to me as well.

Do I feel sympathy for the woman? Absolutely not.
Do I feel she deserves what she got out of her feminism? Absolutely.

The worst kind of feminist is one that either doesn't work, or one that doesn't earn enough money to cater for herself without being a burden to a man/husband. Lmao..

What right does a woman like this have to be called a feminist?
Did Beyoncé and Chimanmanda just wake up one morning to become feminists without being strong independent women in their own rights...hehehe..

This one in the article probably believed that equality starts and ends at equal pay, equal rights, equal treatment, and equal approach to house work/chores —she didn't think it also included finances being split right down the middle.
This is how you identify a PSEUDO-feminist.

I like Franco her ex-husband, I would share a beer with that kind of man.

crackhaus:
Timbuktou, sure was a funny read to me as well.

Do I feel sympathy for the woman? Absolutely not.
Do I feel she deserves what she got out of her feminism? Absolutely.

The worst kind of feminist is one that either doesn't work, or one that doesn't earn enough money to cater for herself without being a burden to a man/husband. Lmao..

What right does a woman like this have to be called a feminist?
Did Beyoncé and Chimanmanda just wake up one morning to become feminists without being strong independent women in their own rights...hehehe..

This one in the article probably believed that equality starts and ends at equal pay, equal rights, equal treatment, and equal approach to house work/chores —she didn't think it also included finances being split right down the middle.
This is how you identify a PSEUDO-feminist.

I like Franco her ex-husband, I would share a beer with that kind of man.

Bruv, I just dey laugh as I dey read am. But the part that got me is where she identified as a feminist and then divorced her husband for treating her with equality. This feminism is a bit confusing to be honest. I think these people need to publish a list issues on which there will or will not be equality. Or they should organise equality classes so we can know what's what.

Another interesting thing was going through the reader comments, they mostly seemed to have nothing but criticism for the guy and sympathy for the woman. One even said, the arrangement was emotionally abusive to the woman.

Oh I love Franco.

This is exactly my problem with some of these feminists. They want equality but when it comes to finances at home, they'd prefer equity. Infact, they don't want to be involved in the major bills.

This is also why I don't take NL pseudo-feminists seriously, they all come here to make mouth but I dare say none of them shares the bill equally with their man. How many of them drop one naira to pay their kid(s) school fees and rent?.

A man handles all these things and one woman will now come and start dictating/apportioning chores, na her father house she go end up unless he's a sissy.

Franco my man.

Funny story
This is what you get when you don't allow the man to lead therefore you don't enjoy the warmth & security that that avails.

She also wasn't clever enough to see that the 50/50 model wasn't going to work in an ideal world.
She should have seen that coming
If they did have kids, would he have breastfed them 50% of the time?
or would he have woken up to feed the baby 50% of the time?....of course not

I think her brain was on vacation when she agreed to the 50% finance sharing
I guess she was so concerned about not letting the feminist side down that she didn't take time out to think things through properly.

My thoughts on the matter........
If you let the man be the man, you will be a "spoilt" and pampered wife

What feminism wants, is not equality. Maybe at one point, in it's innocence, it was after "equal opportunity", but even that was misleading. What Feminism wants is power and privilege. Without the responsibility. Without the toil, the sweat, or the sacrifice.

Like I've maintained for a while, I'll give them some credence, when they are happy to marry lower status men with no problem whatsoever. I would wager that even if the case presented had "proportionate financing", she would still have wanted equal power.

Where are the screaming hordes? - actually, best stay off


TV

What I liked in this case was that they had no children so the lady had no emotional blackmail argument of carrying the baby for 10months

If they ask the woman what she did wrong in the first marriage, I would wonder what she would say

She wanted equality, she got equality now she is complaining about it

Benefits comes with responsibility. If I have 2 cars, I would give the better one to my wife(a non feminist) and take the one in poorer state cos if it breaks down, I wouldnt want my wife to be stranded.

But If she is a feminist and everything should be 50-50. I would keep both my cars and let her use her own money to buy hers and keep it
Bills split down the middle and even for childbirth maybe we would get a surrogate and we both contribute equally to the surrogacy fees

Equality comes with accountability and we would use a calculator for everything since we are equal

Timbuktou:


Bruv, I just dey laugh as I dey read am. But the part that got me is where she identified as a feminist and then divorced her husband for treating her with equality. This feminism is a bit confusing to be honest. I think these people need to publish a list issues on which there will or will not be equality. Or they should organise equality classes so we can know what's what.

Another interesting thing was going through the reader comments, they mostly seemed to have nothing but criticism for the guy and sympathy for the woman. One even said, the arrangement was emotionally abusive to the woman.

Lol, these classes will definitely come in handy...maybe Mindfulness can help with that.

Their criticisms for the guy is borne purely from sentiments. Oh that guy is so insensitive and a total jerk, bla bla bla...

Well if a woman is going to be a jerk by using feminism and equality as her go-to-weapon when demanding equal partnership in the cooking/cleaning, then a man can also be a jerk by using equality as his go-to-weapon when it comes to finances.

In equality, there's no such thing as women should be treated with dignity and consideration when men can't also be treated with same dignity and respect.

She's a Queen, guess what? He's a king.
She's deserves the Princess treatment, guess what? He deserves the Prince treatment.
EQUALITY!

Princesses don't buy their own cars or pay for their own gifts? Well, guess what? A prince doesn't wash his own clothes/plates or cook his own food.
This is dignity and respect all round, everybody wins.

Thanks everybody for your responses.

One more thing, though, I noticed user Peter Null state a couple of times that the 50-50 financial arrangement protects the guy's assets post-divorce. I think the rationale is, if he doesn't put up more than 50℅ of the finances for an item or expenditure, upon divorce the courts rule that that is the "life she's accustomed to" and as such he parts with nothing. Meaning if he had decided to spend more than the greed 50%, he would be required to part with assets upon divorce and even still pay alimony.


Our obodo oyibo peoples, TV01, Grams Tearoses, Raundeuter et al. Am I right in my interpretation or is there something I'm missing?

Crackhaus, another part that got me is when she became jealous of him playing with his chest hairs. . I'm eager to see our sistren's take on this.

Timbuktou I may be wrong, but I sometimes get the impression that what the wife comes away with in the event of a divorce depends on how good her lawyers are and which side of the bed the judge got out from.

To be honest you hear some stories and you kind of know where its all heading to,
Any couple that is so rigid in finances were going to be inflexible in other areas too, and it was inevitable that they will reach breaking point eventually.

The grand kids say hello BTW

tearoses:
Timbukto I may be wrong, but I sometimes get the impression that what the wife comes away with in the event of a divorce depends on how good her lawyers are and which side of the bed the judge got out from.

To be honest you hear some stories and you kind of know where its all heading to,
Any couple that is so rigid in finances were going to be inflexible in other areas too, and it was inevitable that they will reach breaking point eventually.

The grand kids say hello BTW

Hmm, I ask because that dude I mentioned seemed to be speaking about some policy or guiding principle to divorce awards. He seemed to make it sound like Franco deliberately provided not more than 50% per expenditure.

You do have a point with predictability in certain situations. Unfortunately, Vanessa wasn't interested in sowing what she hoped to harvest. And even more unfortunate is she hasn't learnt her lessons. I wonder what her relationship with Ignacio will be like in seven years.

Awa gan-an ki won.