flow1759:


Thanks for being a die hard fan.

As a die hard fan, I need you to campaign for me to win Mr Nairaland 2015. ejor!!!!

i give u my word...
I will try my best... SAI FLOW1759 NA THE CHANGE WE DEY WANT...!

Pls guys.can I upload some pictures here?it's 4 flow's campaign o

ajumaxbabe:
flow send ur graphics to my mail lemme show dis peeps how to campaign jor

queenblessingellah@yahoo.com

Still u flow

Thanks for volunteering. Check your mail any moment.

“Chinonye can you define Computer!” Teacher Flow asked.

“Computer is….. Computer is………………….”

“Computer is what?” I yelled.

That is Chinonye for you! I made her defined computer eighty times the previous day, yet it never stuck to her very dull brain.

I was paid a forty percent of whatever the student paid as tuition bagging myself headache everyday. And having nightmare at night.


My nightmare often appear this way:

“Obama I have shown you how to open Microsoft word severally but you have refused to learn, is this how you will lead America!!”

“Goodluck Jonathan! Show him jor!”

“abi you too no know?”

“ok! I know even though all of you don’t know it, Bill Gate must know it!”

Yet Bill Gate too fail me.


Whenever I awoke such nightmare, I often asked myself why almost all my students in dreamland were dull while a handful are brilliant in reality.













“why are most of my student so so dull?” I asked myself as I faced Chinonye while she fumbled with ordinary defining computer.

“or was I not shouting enough?”

“or is it that they did all these intentionally so I would shout the more?”

“or is it because most of my students are married?”

“are married people that dull?”

“but Helen is also married yet she is very sound!”

“why is Chinonye so dull?”

“what she is good at is to open her legs wide for me to see the formerly white p’ant she always wore”

“and to bring her b’reast closer whenever I operated the mouse with her system”



Sorry to disappoint you guys, my “chieftaincy” never goes up whenever her "hard as rock" b’reast touches my elbow.

And whenever she opened her legs wide for me to see, my chieftaincy would be like “hmmmmmm! close that dirty thing!!”

But there is something she does that my chieftaincy has no choice but to salute.

That thing is caressing it.

I mean caressing my chieftaincy.


“stop it!!” I often whisper.

“stop what?” She would ask.

“shssssshh stop it oh!” e don dey sweet me be that.















After Chinoye’s class, I headed home to at least drink Garri since i was sure there was no food at home.

As I got home, I discovered there was no drinking water too.

A wise man once told me “A house without food should at least have drinking water, otherwise that house is worst than a prison house”



“which kin house be this sef! No food!! No water!!” And Papey our new neighbor burst into laughter.

“Papey! You get water make I drink small?”

“I no get for bucket. The only water I get na pure water, and e be like say na the last one!”

“no wahala come take am na!” He offered.


How could one sachet water be enough to "soak" the kind of huge bowl of Garri I had in mind?

Only time could tell.


A Garri big enough to feed a community I put in a bowl and poured the sachet water into it.

What was I thinking?

Before I finished munching two spoons,like parting the Red sea my Garri had over shadowed the water.





I searched tirelessly for water; searching every bucket I saw around even the ones in the toilet, for worst of bathing water to use for my “growing per seconds” Garri.

I wished I could dig a Well instantly.

This happened in the era when I quarreled with Angela and she had warned me never to buy anything from her. Owing to the fact that she was the only one that could give “awon boys!” whatever they wanted on credit amongst all the sellers in the street, I knew I was doomed.

Flow why you no go another place go buy pure water na? Did I hear you ask?

Answer: “because I no get she-she”, “as in, I no hold bar; one naira!”

And papey had just left. If not, i for beg am make him borrow me 50 bucks. I knew he wouldn't give.




I was choking.

I was so close to losing my breath.

My six was in sevens.

I thought I was gonna die.

The per seconds growth of the Garri in the bowl really scared me.


Suddenly I came to the conclusion that “all die na die!”, so I kept munching from my bowl of now "strong as rock" Garri without sugar.





My eyes grew thicker as I swallowed.

My nose became elastic and extended to maximum.

That was the day I knew Garri could kill.



“Flow! Why you wan kill yourself! Carry gallon go fetch water for Goldberg na!” Someone whispered to me.

“who talk!!” The voice was a combination of Snow’s and Junior’s.

Or was it my imagination?

I stood up, headed to the kitchen and carried containers that I would use to go fetch water albeit leaving my Garri to keep growing.







Goldberg Hotel was a stone throw; I mean 10 stones throw rather. It was really far for a hungry Flow that garri was rumbling in his stomach.




As I crossed the road, I heard the honk of a rickety car. Or so I thought.

“no be road be this! I block you!” I yelled.

But as I turned and saw that the car that honked was a “no nonsense” car, I comported.

“una go just carry una big-big motor dey disturb people!”


Then the Toyota Tundra packed behind me.


“Flow!” I heard someone called.

At first I thought the garri in my stomach was bringing to my notice that I might collapse soon.



“Flow Baba!!”

I turned I saw a chubby guy coming down from the Truck.

“Flow!” He called.

“how this one take know my name?” I was shocked.

“it’s me! Bigie!”

“Bigie? Who be Bigie?” I asked myself.

“Bigie na! Tupac and Bigie for Nekede that year! you don forget?”




“eeeeeeh! Bigie!” I hugged him, and was lost in the hug. Like when an Ant hug an Elephant.


“oboy you don chop up oh!” I hailed.

“na God oh!”

“This God good oh! See as Bigie just fat!” Na you get this motor?” I was at the top of my voice.

“naso oh! God don do am for me oh!”

“when will the same God do it for me?”I asked myself.

“Or was Bigie a better Christian than me?”

"wasn't he a better sinner?"










“What of Tupac na?”

“him dey! Him dey Delta State dey work for one construction Company like that”




“Flow! You dey go somewhere?” Bigie asked, “this one wey you carry gallon, you wan go fetch water?”

“me? Fetch water?” I wan go trowey them this gallons for dustbin, them no good, them dey lick!”



“ok enter motor make I go flex you! And make we gist” He said.

Over joyous, as I was about entering he said; “shebi you say you wan troway them the gallon?”

“yes na!” I answered.

“ehn Trowey am for here na!”

That was how I flung our precious gallons into a nearby bush.

With “bathroom slippers” on, I hopped into the Air conditioned Tundra truck.


That was the first day I entered a truck save the day I entered a Police truck to school way back school days.

Make una checkout my profile picture and tell me wetin una notice

cho25bc:
Pls guys.can I upload some pictures here?it's 4 flow's campaign o

Dear cho25bc you dey try no be small. God bless.

ajumaxbabe will join you soon. I have sent her some pictures already.

Rounakid:
i give u my word...
I will try my best... SAI FLOW1759 NA THE CHANGE WE DEY WANT...!

Everybody sai flow!!!

Yes boss!

flow1759:


Dear cho25bc you dey try no be small. God bless.

ajumaxbabe will join you soon. I have sent her some pictures already.

why are all my campaign crew members female?

Hmmmmmmm. Are there no males reading?

cc foxy et al

flow1759:

Everybody sai flow!!!

na the change we dey want...!

Rounakid:
na the change we dey want...!

Rounakid well done! i dey see your hand work.

flow1759:



Rounakid well done! i dey see your hand work.

my pleasure dear, will do my best to see u throuqh...

I need one Trypa here pls.

I have some very important questions pertaining the pageant to ask her.

Why must every females u come across seduce u?na so u fine reach?

#Saiflow

Reply my mail abeg

cho25bc:
Why must every females u come across seduce u?na so u fine reach?

#Saiflow

Reply my mail abeg

I have done that

What a life sef!



See what Bigie had attained for himself within the past 3 years since we parted.

“Bigie wey we dey tell that time say him no get future!” Now see what the future held for him.

“Bigie wey be thief! Pick pocket!!”








“Bigie yan me! Which kin business you dey do wey make you hammer like this?”

“FlowFlow!! You no go understand oh!!”

***Readers: whenever you ask someone how he/she made his/her money and he/she answers saying "you no go understand oh", have it at the back of your mind that he/she is either into money rituals or any other negative means of making money, i speak from experience asking that question***.

“wetin I no go understand? Tell me first make you see weda I no go understand”

He looked at the direction of his driver driving and said; “no worry I go explain when we reach!”

“reach where?” I almost yelled.




Jamming in the stereo was “many men” by 50cent. That song was a representation of the mood I was in at that moment.


Many men in my life that were swimming in Riches albeit they made the money negatively.



Segun was an Igboh dealer and wanted me to help him distribute it in Port Harcourt.


Man was dealing on drugs and guns, and he saw me as a good candidate for “Groundnut and Coke” marketing.


Pkc wanted me to come join him in Ministry; Rumour had it that he was a fake Pastor extorting money from his congregation.


Chima and Chidi were full time 419 advocates and internet scammers.


Ilorin left teaching for Agberology and pick pocketology.


Baba Jay told me to help him distribute cholesterol contained groundnut oil in Port Harcourt.


Snoop suggested I joined him in firm piracy.


Angom was arrested for distributing poisonous Beans from the North to Lagos. I was this close to helping him distribute it in Port Harcourt.


Who else?

Kelvin? I heard he enrolled in a popular robber squad in Enugu.


My prayer to my father in heaven was that I never soiled my hands with evil sometime soon.


And now Bigie.





“Flow wetin you go drink?” We arrived one bar at GRA.

“me? You don forget my brand?”

“ok! Stout abi?” He guessed.

“yes na! you be correct!”



As I resumed drinking, Bigie ordered that Nkwobi be served to me.

“you you no go drink?” I cared.

“mehn! I no dey drink again oh! I don change!” Talking of Satan turning an angel.

“how? When? Where?”

“dey there dey ask question, I no dey drink again!” Bigie answered, “Waiter! Bring me bottle water!!”



“guy which one you go dey drink water, I go dey drink beer” I said, “you want make people dey think say I be tout?”

“naso I want am na! I no dey drink again na!”




Nkwobi came hot and sizzling.

“So Bigie you go tell me wetin make you rich now!” I just couldn’t wait.

“Flow Nwanne!! O di ka o di gi osiso!”

“nna o dim osiso o!”



“ok Flow, I dey sell oil!” He said.

“which kin oil?” I asked almost immediately.

“the normal oil wey you know na!”

“hahahahahahahahahaah! Bigie! So na oil you dey sell wey give you money buy Tundra!” I said, “Na only you dey sell oil for this world?”

“guy! No be that kin oil I mean oh!”

“why? No be red oil wey dem dey take cook you mean?”

“no na!”

“which kin oil? Na groundnut oil?” I asked.


“guy no be that kin oil!” He replied, “na the main oil na!”


“I dey into oil bunkery” He spilled.

“oil wetin?”

“oil bunkery!” He answered.

“na the thing I involve myself and money dey comot wella!”

“eheeen!”

“Yes na, I don dey this Port Harcourt since 2013 and i no see work, na last year I start bunkery”


“but guy no vex oh! Them no dey catch una?” I asked.

“them no go fit catch me and them my boys na!”

“I don enter Benin go arrange jazz wey me and my boys tie for body” He said, “as I dey so if you shoot me gun, e no go enter!”


“I even get boys wey dey stay bus stop dey collect money!” He said.

“stay bus stop dey collect money as how?” I was lost.

“I get touts them na! them dey submit to me!” He bit his chest.


“ehnnnn! That mean say you be Oga of Agbero!” I asked.

“yes na, but government no approve my Agbero union oh” I chipped in.

“wetin you mean? Government dey approve Agbero work before?”

“hahahahahahahahaaha! Yes na! you no know say here na Port Harcourt, you think say here na Lagos?”










To cut all the long story the narrated short, I asked; “so Bigie which one of this things you go involve me?”


He looked for a while at the roof as if the answer to the question I asked was inscribed there.

“ok! You go fit do Agbero work?”


“me?”

“yes na? e no hard oh!”

“Bigie! you know say I no get strength to dey run pursue motor”


He looked at the roof again and said; “you know say you get muscle well well!”

“yes na I get am well well!”

“you go fit do Body guard work!”

“Body guard? I fit na! na for who?” I thought he would answer saying; “na for one Politician like that”


But I was shocked when he yet looked at the roof and said; “For me na! I need body guard!”

What a life sef!

flow1759:


I have done that

Ok

cho25bc:

Ok

Babe timetable for interview don comot oh! my own na Thursday, 6pm. https://www.nairaland.com/2365859/mr-nairaland-interview-update

mehn....this is serious... Bunkery money plenty,but i no fit do illegal runs/biz

Yes boss.I'll try to be around

flow1759:



Babe timetable for interview don comot oh! my own na Thursday, 6pm. https://www.nairaland.com/2365859/mr-nairaland-interview-update

Bin campaigning for u naaaaa...abi anoda tin still dey wen u nor wan tell me?

cc Flow1759

eROCK247:
Bin campaigning for u naaaaa...abi anoda tin still dey wen u nor wan tell me?

cc Flow1759

Erock247, another way to go about this, is for flow1759 to make and deliver comprehensive list of his fans moniker for u to tag while u vote so they can follow ur lead by voting as well. Abi, wat do u think?

eROCK247:
Bin campaigning for u naaaaa...abi anoda tin still dey wen u nor wan tell me?

cc Flow1759

Erock dear,u av really tried. God bless u. Let's just continue d gud work. Pls also post comments on FP threads so dat ur signature wit flow's campaign can be visible 2 a wider audience,n be online on thurs to support him during d interview.
Once again,God bless u

Melancholy:
Erock247, another way to go about this, is for flow1759 to make and deliver comprehensive list of his fans moniker for u to tag while u vote so they can follow ur lead by voting well. Abi, wat do u think?

U are right. Seconded

Melancholy:
Erock247, another way to go about this, is for flow1759 to make and deliver comprehensive list of his fans moniker for u to tag while u vote so they can follow ur lead by voting as well. Abi, wat do u think?

How do i do that?

cho25bc:

U are right. Seconded

I just sent you my profile you asked of.


PS: The Profile funny sha!

You know i am always funny.

cho25bc:

U are right. Seconded

i dey see ur campaign for flow tnx. i don try to use his pix frm my email it was nt showin. Pls can u send d grahic work to me thru watsap 08035754290

6th of June …………………….. **una notice something about the date?***




I returned from work early. And yes, I always had classes on Saturdays too.

“guy no be so oh! Why you dey look my game na?”

“who dey look your game?” Junior said.

“oboy you dey look my game abeg no dey lie jor!” I wasn’t finding it funny that Junior was “giraffeing” what I would spell next.

“guy even if I look your game, even if I no look am! Na you go still carry last for this game!”



Of a truth, I always came last whenever we played Scrabble. The reason behind me always coming last wasn’t far fetched; it was due to the fact that I was always cheated.

Junior and brother Snow always mastered some killer words, words like VD, QT, IQ, KT, KO, OX.







”Flow this word FL no dey dictionary!” Junior announced after checking up the word I spelled in the dictionary.

“na lie jor! E dey jor!” I argued.

“how e take dey,? No be him I just check so?”

“but Snow don spell FL before na! That day wey we play na!”


“Me? Spell FL? Na FT I don spell oh!” Snow denied.

“na ojoro oh! Una go just dey cram word wey una go spell for una head” I wasn’t happy.




“no be so Flow! You no never understand the game!”



After playing three rounds of the game, we ate ABC of nutrition and slept.

Who can guess what the ABC of nutrition is?









Well, let me let the Cat out of the bag. Was the Cat ever there?

The ABC of nutrition is: A for Akara, B for Bread, C for Coke. Coke and not C’ocaine.

You can imagine taking Akara, Bread and C’ocaine; that na madness be that oh!

Maybe the person that consumes such would see men as trees. Maybe the person that consumes such would walk on his/her head. Or better still, he/she might acrobat home.






The ABC that "nourished" our bodies made us sleep till 5pm.

What woke me up was when my phone rang.

Guess who?


Gift!

Gift from "p'enis kicking".

“hello Gift!”


“Flow!!! see ehn if I see you near my sister!”

“if I see you near my sister!!”

“who is your siter?” I asked.

“you don’t know who my sister is abi?” She yelled, “that your long p’rick you wan to use it to chuk my sister”

“Why I go chuk her? I be chuk-chuk?”

“na you know that one!” She said, “wetin I know be say if I catch you with my sister, that your p’rick you go find am!”

“you say?”

“you know who my Papa be abi?” she boosted, ”if I enter Enugu for your case ehn!!”


Gift had once told me her father was a traditional herbalist that uses herbs to heal diseases.

Lies! I knew it was a big fat lie. That she just fine tuned the name from Babalawo to herbalist so i wouldn't be scared of her. The truth later came out when i saw some feathers wrapped with red clothes in her bag.

“now listen to me and listen very attentively! If you like go to your father, I am not scared!” I spoke at the top of my voice, “na your sister dey pursue me up and down, I no want her!”

“that one concern you!” She hung up.






“wetin this girl mean sef?”

“so she dey threaten me?”




In the actual sense, I wasn’t the one chasing Onyinye Gift’s sister, she chased me like bee to nectar; not giving me a breathing space. But I no want!!!!!



“guy why gift sister dey disturb you na?” Snow was awake.

“guy I no know oh!”

“you know jor?” Junior yelled.

“how I take know?” I asked.

“when you dey teach the girl Maths you no know?”

“you no get sense!! I never ever liked the girl, she just needed me to teach her maths, and that was what I did!!”

“that was what you didn’t!” What kind of grammatical blunder Snow threw.

“me? I didn’t! I did jor!” I joined in the grammatical blunder.

“see ehn! Make I tell una I no like that girl, that time wey I dey teach her maths, she dey open her body so that I go browse her cyber café but I refused”

“Flow! You! You refused?”

“guy I swear I no do anything with that girl!!! She no fine na! I get taste”

“I fit use my p’rick swear say i no do anything with her!” I offered.

“oya use am swear!” Snow longed.

“if say I sleep with that Onyinye, make I my p’rick cut!”


No Fears! I did not do anything with Onyinye other than a “forced kissed”.

“forced kiss” in the sense that she said if I don’t she would scream “r’ape!!!!!!”




Mehn when I finally with eyes closed kissed and mistakenly dragged in a cupful of her Ogbono soup, I ran to the kitchen to throw up.


Ask me where I threw up?

In our drinking water bucket.

Onyinye’s Ogbono soup tasted like four days old and maggot infested.


“kai! You no dey brush mouth!” I almost said as i returned.






“you like the kiss?” She asked.

“Me? Like it? No…………..I mean No……………. I don’t like it!” My tongue slipped with the Ogbono soup it still contained.

“you said no!” Her already ugly face added 50cm of ugliness.

“no oh! I no talk say no, I say yes!” On saying that, I had mistakenly swallowed the about one litre of Ogbono soup in my mouth.









Since that day, I stopped the Mathematics class abruptly telling her I had forgotten some formulas we needed to progress.

flow ne man, barin ta yi kuri'a kidaya..change shi ne duk muna bukatar, change shi ne duk muna nema,. change! change!! change!!!..kuma flow shi ne wanda ya kawo canji......


Don't mind ma hausa,,...just dey learn ni.



Everybody sai flow...


But u neva rate my story yet....

I go wait till after election don't worry..



Everybody sai flow

jayhaywhy:
flow ne man, barin ta yi kuri'a kidaya..change shi ne duk muna bukatar, change shi ne duk muna nema,. change! change!! change!!!..kuma flow shi ne wanda ya kawo canji......


Don't mind ma hausa,,...just dey learn ni.



Everybody sai flow...


But u neva rate my story yet....

I go wait till after election don't worry..



Everybody sai flow

No vex abeg!

Ok make i go read am right away!

I will rate it over there in the thread.

cho25bc, eROCK247, ajumaxbabe, Melancholy, Rounakid ............. Them don shift my own interview date to tomorrow oh.

flow1759:



No vex abeg!
Ok make i go read am right away!
I will rate it over there in the thread.

Tanks...