guess i dont need to comment on this.She is matured .she should be able to sort her self out.

You can't force something like that on someone. It's her life and she has got just one alone. She can be with another man and give her child the best. Her life doesn't end with marriage. She deserves to be happy and I am sorry for the man, but he brought this upon himself. Next time he'll learn never to marry a girl young enough to be his daughter and want to deprive her of her youthfulness.

Whatever u decide, make sure you're ready for repercussions, cos freedom comes at a price Choose wisely! I also think u shud make it clear to yourself that it's the opportunity to make independent choices for yourself that appeals to you. i wouldn't advise you to let Ur ex into the picture, you'll confuse yourself, and Ur family will use it against you. They may not support your decision, but make sure your integrity is not undermined. Blood really is thicker than water, they'll come around. Make Ur decision an independent one.

ezinne1212:

Whatever u decide, make sure you're ready for repercussions, cos freedom comes at a price Choose wisely! I also think u shud make it clear to yourself that it's the opportunity to make independent choices for yourself that appeals to you. i wouldn't advise you to let Ur ex into the picture, you'll confuse yourself, and Ur family will use it against you. They may not support your decision, but make sure your integrity is not undermined. Blood really is thicker than water, they'll come around. Make Ur decision an independent one.

I  cant think of a better solution than what you just wrote

nj11:

Thank you guys so much for your advise,you guys are awesome,i am finally able to talk to somebody about what has be en eating me up for years. I am very much trying to find something to love in my husband,all there is,is that he loves me genuinely,which is hard to find now and he is a very kind individual.

My thing is the attraction,when you are not attracted to somebody is hard to enjoy being around them,intimacy is a problem,when it comes to that am still withdrawn, feels like being raped,waiting for it to be over.

I don't trust my ex 100% ,but am happy when am around him can be myself,i think he feels thesame way too,at-least he showes to be so into me,has that energy I've been longing for.

My only pain in it all is my child,don't want to hurt him,but i want to be happy.

I strongly encourage you not to leave your husband. Marriage is a sacred lifetime commitment and if you give in to the temptation you are likely to regret it later on. It is possible to rekindle your feelings. You should get counseling.

michelin89:

She didn't travel to Nigeria to meet her ex, she met him by chance and fell in love for the second time.

shes a very confused person,she cant just say she fell inlove when she saw her ex again

she really needs to sort out her feelings,cos d way i see it,she saw d guy,remembered wat it was then btw them,dat im sure arose d feelings in her,but i bet u,i doubt it if she really loves dat guy,she is infatuated?(In my own opinion anyways)

shes lonely,she needs a man,her ex happened to be d one she met by chance,hence her thread,i tell u if she had met a guy in america dat showered lots of love to her,and really got her her deep down her heart,she will also claim to "love him"  i dont blame her,there is a vacum in her life dat needs to be filled up

shes not even sure if d ex loves her,d guy might be looking for a gateway to america or more success,she did not in any time in dis thread say,wat did the ex did when she was getting married?was he communicating wt her even after marriage?the one year she stayed in naija b4 going to meet her hubby,wat exactly was she feeling for her ex,wat was her ex feeling for her,wat did her ex do during dat time,she did not say she thought of her ex or even still have feelings for him when she got married,she only tot about him when she got to meet him

seriously she needs to sort out herself and be ready for d worst or best

1. her ex might not be so much into her like he claims

2. if he dumps her,wat will happen to her

@nj11, I feel your pain but I will sincerely advice you not to leave your marriage for your ex-boyfriend, at least not yet. Yeah, it's your decision but what if 2mths into the relationship, everything goes kaput? You go from very bad to pretty worse. However, if you are "well equipped", then feel free to make your decision regardless of your ex-boyfriend.
Being well equipped means you have the necessary tools to succeed in life (with your child; I'm sure you want to be a good mother). My guess is that you do not have a degree yet and probably do not work or have a decent job. How about you burn some time and at least get something from your marriage since you are currently in a stable albeit unhappy relationship? Your hubby is satisfying himself with a youngin; you might as well satisfy yourself by increasing your value/self worth; that's one thing no man can take away from you even if your husband or ex-bf kicks you out in the cold. I'd advice you to focus your "frustrated energy" in getting a degree and getting a good job. If at any point you feel you can self-support yourself without anyone's aid, then the decision is all yours. Remember, you are no longer the 18yr old teenager; you are a now a mother. It will be very risky to make a decision based on the words/feelings of a boy/man who has nothing to lose. All the best!

It's sad you got into an arranged marriage but leaving your husband who you have 4 kids with for an old flame won't make things any better.Come on, wake up.4 kids?And many years gone by?Yes, you will feel that flame but after a lil while, you'll know it's not worth him.He definitely wouldnt want anything long term, i can assure you of that, Dis no be yankee and even for there, dem fit marry 3 husbands in 8 months, thank God say you be 9ja else you for don misbehave.

Thing is, not everything in life leads to happiness and from what i see, you are not helping the strain in your marriage.And you say you hate everything around you now?And you must be arguing with him or quarrelling at the drop of a pin.That's usually a sign of a woman who's heart isnt in that marriage anymore and more often than not, has been unfaithful (Cold truth critics).

Talking about all the unhappiness and all, back in the days, it was the norm.Even throughout the bible.I never read one passage where anybody (you can quote me wrong pls) "dated" before marriage.All na arrangee.Its too much education and white man knowledge that's causing all this katakata and women are becoming increasingly undisciplined by the day (True talk).They naturally don't know what they want (although they think they do, thanks to "women empowerment" and Oprah Winfrey).

Woman, close your legs,control you urges and make that marriage work.No man, no matter how demented would settle down for anything meaningful with a married woman with kids to top it.After the sex, una eyes go clear.

She doesnt have 4 kids, where did you get that from

NY_WM:

I strongly encourage you not to leave your husband. Marriage is a sacred lifetime commitment and if you give in to the temptation you are likely to regret it later on. It is possible to rekindle your feelings. You should get counseling.

Forced Marriage isnt "sacred" so be quiet

jenny, while I agree with you. Ex aside, what do you say she should do?

@sky-walker

My husband knows about us,i told him everything, he is pleading with me right now to stay in the marriage.My ex doesn't need money from me he is doing alright for himself.I have opened my heart to my husband,still nothing is working.

@ ezinne1212
Thanks.

@ amebo no1
After i got married my ex and i did see each other for a little bit hoping that i could still get out of it. Off curse i thought about my ex,missed him, he was and still is my best friend.After i left he has been in other relationships,but they don't workout.

@Delta007

Thanks, i hear you,i'm doing just that,i'm in school, starting a business and i have a good job that can sustain me and my son if things goes bad.

@mccloud224

Abeg oh!,i have just one kid and my legs are closed,i'm just not happy.Thanks.

Thanks you guys.

I'm scared of telling my family what is going on,afraid of rejection and being the bad seed in the family.Am loosing my mind here! the only person that knows about it is my younger sis.

nj11:

I'm scared of telling my family what is going on,afraid of rejection and being the bad seed in the family.Am loosing my mind here! the only person that knows about it is my younger sis.

I really dont know what to say again.Leaving ue husband is really gonna hurt him a lot.I really respect him a lot pleading with you.A lot of Nigerian Men would have dealt seriously with you on that type of issue(telling him you saw ur ex? ).He loves you but you dont love him back.All i can say is the Man is just unlucky for you not loving you back.
Besides is he the one taking care of your family?If he is the one,then he will definately stop.

Since you have told him everything,i suggest you make ur decisions fast.He gonna talk to his friends and dont think his friends are are nice as he his cuz they are gonna cloud his judgement.He gonna be suspecting you on every move you make now

You choose now .You stying or going?

nj11:



@ amebo no1
After i got married my ex and i did see each other for a little bit hoping that i could still get out of it. Off curse i thought about my ex,missed him, he was and still is my best friend.After i left he has been in other relationships,but they don't workout.

how did you know it did not work out,u r being naive here,was dat wat he told u?how sure r u,u were in d states he is in nigeria,and the fact dat it did not work out does not mean its cos he was inlove with you,maybe hes yet to meet the right one,which might not be you

u missed him but the feelings were not there,u said "the feelings came back when u two met again" missing is not enoff,even happily married women smtimes miss their ex when they remember them,missing them does not mean they wanna be wt them,im going by ur post here
how old is ur ex honey?

DeReloaded:

She doesnt have 4 kids, where did you get that from

Forced Marriage isnt "sacred" so be quiet

jenny, while I agree with you. Ex aside, what do you say she should do?

my dear i really don't know,when she said she wants to leave i tot it was d best for her since she wants to be happy,but first off i wanna know his age

the devil she knows is better dan d angel she does not know,shes not been wt her ex for 6 yrs,d guy would have changed alot,her husband she claims still loves her,and has not cheated on her,d guy is pleading for her to stay,now if she leaves her husband wat is d guarantee dat her ex wont dump her,if her ex dumps her wat is d guarantee dat she will accpeted back into her family? if shes not accpeted back how will a young girl who is not even up to  25 cope wt a child,which man will take her back after knowing she left her husband for her ex and her ex dumping her aferwards?

i want her to be happy but at d same time,her ex might one day tell her its over,he does not wanna end up wt a tokunbo,or a woman dat has a child,he wants his own blood to be d first and then he might go end up wt some fresh girl,men r not to be trusted

Im not telling her to stay but i think she can make her marriage work if she wants to,she has to let go of those pains shes felt all dis yrs :pains of being sold off to an older man,pains dat her family or father does not love her, pains dat she wasnt able to see life before being married off to one man,pains of being denied a chance to choose a suitor,pains of not having a say in her life,pains of suffering d aftermath alone,she can deny it as much as she can but dat is wats holding her back,if she lets go,she can love her husband againh

@ Sky-walker
Yap, he is a good guy,doing everything to make the marriage work,that is another reason why am still hanging on,don't want to hurt him.
Do i sacrifice my happiness for him?

@ amebo no1
You have touched my heart,brought me to tears.I still can't let go all the pains I've been through and still going through,because of a selfish father that thought giving me to a man in American will solve all his financial problems.I hate him for it.

Should i stay married to a man that i can't hug,never kissed him b4 in our six years of marriage?
Cause i can't stand it.

nj11:

@ amebo no1
You have touched my heart,brought me to tears.I still can't let go all the pains I've been through and still going through,because of a selfish father that thought giving me to a man in American will solve all his financial problems.I hate him for it.

i understand how u feel,i was about ur age when i got married to,but i wasnt forced,it was wat i wanted

like i said ,let go of all d pains,and see if u can make it work

u missed him all dis yrs but why didn't u run away since?why didnt u divorce ur hubby during the one yr u were in nigeria?why did u not leave ur husband d minute u started missing your exg? u wanna run away,cos ur ex has put in words into ur ears,words of leaving ur hubby and coming to spend ur life wt him,dat was when d tot of leaving ur hubby for him came to ur mind

listen honey,let me ask u some qstions,how r u so sure dat ur ex does not wanna hurt u for leaving him?how r u so sure dat he does not wanna take u away from ur hubby and then leave u stranded just to pay u back for dumping him?how r u so sure dat he has not changed dis past yrs?why does he wanna take u out of ur hubbys home,when he knows u r married?how r u so sure dat hes not pretending?how r u so sure he does not have a serious girl wt him

Listen hon,no responsible man will wanna take a girl away from her husband,infact even if d girl wants it,a good man will surely be against it
And how r u so sure he still loves u like crazy,cos if he did,why hasnt he contacted  u all dis yrs?

then try kissing him,try out the things uve never done to him with him

like im not telling u to bite his tongue,im telling u to start feeling intimate wt ur husband,start hugging and kissing him more at nights ,cos then the d whle place is cool and quiet

try and make things work,try and make ur marriage work,if it does not after uve tried,then its all left to you

i advice u to stop thinking about urself for once and think of ur husbnad

you r being selfish here,thinking about urself alone isn't the right thing to do here

yes yes yes u have been hurt,we all know dat,but life must move on,ur husbnad has hurt u,ur family have hurt u,u have also hurt your husband,yes u denying him all dis yrs little things like kissing and huggin and other things is enoff to hurt him,yet he still loves you even when hes yet to kiss his wife,if u can allow him make love to you,then why cant u allow him kiss you?if he can be ontop of u during pentration(sex) then why cant u hug him? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF FOR ONCE AND THINK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND

Does he return your feelings,this other guy? It must be intoxicating to meet someone you'd had romantic feelings for, your marriage being what it is. But be careful, don't get carried away by exciting new feelings and let yourself be fooled or used. You're not kids in high school anymore.

Your husband's old enough to be your father and had no qualms about taking an unwilling 17-year-old to wife. Did he or your indescribable parents spare your happiness a thought? Seems all they thought about were themselves. Marriage is hard even when you're in love. It's intolerable if you're not. You gave your parents permission to live your life for you when you let them marry you off. What's the worst that could've happened if you'd refused?They would have huffed,puffed,threatened,cajoled,bribed,insulted or 'reasoned' with you.They would've been displeased for a while, and then they'd forget the whole thing. But you were very young and you can't be blamed for giving in to their wishes. They had no right to do that to you.

What you do now is your decision alone to make. Your parents shouldn't have pawned you off on a man when you should've been continuing your education. But that was six years ago, and you're not 17 anymore. Life is just too short, and there are no guarantees. Your life is yours and it's tragic to continue to let other people run it for you. You have to start taking responsiblity for your own life and your own happiness.

Im not telling her to stay but i think she can make her marriage work if she wants to,she has to let go of those pains shes felt all dis yrs :pains of being sold off to an older man,pains dat her family or father does not love her, pains dat she wasnt able to see life before being married off to one man,pains of being denied a chance to choose a suitor,pains of not having a say in her life,pains of suffering d aftermath alone,she can deny it as much as she can but dat is wats holding her back

How easy is that? especially since it's been 6 years

i understand how u feel,i was about ur age when i got married to,but i wasnt forced,it was wat i wanted

Then how do you understand?

DeReloaded:

How easy is that? especially since it's been 6 years

Then how do you understand?

its not easy i know,and like i said even if she married a younger man now d pains will still go wt her,d hatred she's got for her family will still be there,now shes not going to enjoy a healthy life,will she?

i understand cos ive met alot of pple like dat,ive met wt some patients who were also forced to marry men they have no feelings for,ive seen them cry and ive cried wt them,and when they tell me their stories,and what they go thru i feel it in my heart,its like its me it happened to,my closest friend in nigeria was also forced to marry like dat, so when i say i understand i dont mean i have personally passed thru it,nope,but ive shared d pains of d pple dat passed thru it

few of them decided to make it work,and yes they r happy in their homes now,some were maltreated and beaten by their hubbys,they had to leave their home,my closest friend and her husband came over to see us in germany, believe me she wouldnt trade her husband for anything now


they sold her out,we all know,but im kind.a like scared for her,and i keep asking myself dis qstion,d person shes going to leave her hubby for(be it an ex or whoever) will dat person turn out better or worst

at least at that time, it'd be her own decision.

and why did your friend chnage her mind when she saw you guys in Germany

she changed her mind few months b4 they came over

her husband knows my husband ,yea everybody knew we were very good friends, my hubby talked to her hubby via dis YIM voice chat for a long time,(stingy man trying to save money) her hubby wanted smone to talk to,so my hubby told him to make their marriage work,d best part of it is dat the man loves her like very much,and my husband told me to tell her too, to make their marriage work,so we both were kind.a like playing a part in their marriage, until they made up, her husband knelt down before her and asked her to forgive him in anyway he's hurt her,wt tears running like rivers of living waters (atleast dats wat we were told,we were not there ) the man had a lot more to do than d woman,he acknowledged dat fact and yea did sthg to make it work

well we invited them over cos we wanted to see it with our own eyes and d next week they came,we all went out cos then me and my hubby took a 2 weeks break at work,and yea it was quite interesting,infact that was when their honey moon started she has a daughter now

at least at that time, it'd be her own decision

u r right here

@ poster
1. Where you in any way forced into this marriage?
2. You can work things out with your husband
3. 4 years is not a day that you can throw away like that
and this your x that you want to go back to( you dont know sh*t about him he might just be a photocopy of your hussy, )
I dont advice people to LEAVE there marital home for ANY REASON, my dear you can still WORK IT OUT, you AND UR HUSSY lack COMMUNICATION,

ijleke:

@ poster
1. Where you in any way forced into this marriage?
2. You can work things out with your husband
3. 4 years is not a day that you can throw away like that
and this your x that you want to go back to( you dont know sh*t about him he might just be a photocopy of your hussy, )
I dont advice people to LEAVE there marital home for ANY REASON, my dear you can still WORK IT OUT, you AND UR HUSSY lack COMMUNICATION,

Let her go and make the biggest mistake of her life.

It is so annoying when people dont add value to their marriage. Habah! it is a pity

Dear poster,

If you really love yourself and want long lasting happiness, pls follow to the letter the advice of[b] ameeeebo[/b]. Forget about ur so-called ex and any other man. Even if he really wants you, what about his family and friends Given our background here in Africa, i'm not sure they'll want him to marry a runaway tokunbo.

PLEASE be wise, you can make your marriage work.

@ amebo no1

Thanks for your advise,am trying to make it workout with my husband,it's hard but am giving it a shot.

Am still talking to my ex,haven't said anything to him yet,scared of losing him.

I've just read through all this, and it makes really sad reading.
In short, her parents used her as their "meal ticket." Selling their 17-year-old daughter to a man over 20 years older, a man she's never met?
If in 6 years she still feels that making love to her husband is akin to being raped, she's never going to be happy with him!
God willing, she's got at least another 70 years to live on this earth, do you guys suggest she spends those years miserable?

As for some saying they feel sorry for her husband, I don't! He knew how young his "wife" was before he married her - barely out of his teens, what about her feelings, don't they count?

No, I don't believe she should leave her husband merely to return to her lost love, but she deserves to be happy with someone else, or as a singleton for a while! I would leave the husband, take her child, and get herself some qualifications, become self-sufficient. The fact she has a child doesn't mean she can't leave, this isn't 1925, there are lot's of single parents out there doing well, and there are guys that will marry a single mother, and love her child just as he would love his own.

I think there should be a law against parents that just see their children as meal tickets, trying to buy "prestige" by being able to claim, "my son-in-law's an American / Brit!" She was literally trussed up like a turkey, and sold, period. And as for her father threatening her with death, I'm sorry to say, he doesn't deserve to be a dad. He couldn't have loved his daughter to have done such a terrible thing, unless I'm missing something here.

@ nj11: Do what makes you happy, if you feel you'll find happiness in your old flame, then go for it, though I doubt that's the answer. Start afresh, on a clean slate.

As Nigerians, we're taught to respect our parents, and our elders, but sad to say, I feel nothing for your father, bar contempt. He hasn't got paternal feelings at all. Any man can be a father, that's easy. It takes more however, to be a Dad.

Sorry, made a mistake - "Barely out of her teens."

What's happened to the "modify post button?"

@ Sky-Walker:

Wrong, she's not mature, she never had the chance to grow.

Women and this their first love syndrome. Reality is, the affection she has for the first love is based on fantasy.

4 Play:

Women and this their first love syndrome. Reality is, the affection she has for the first love is based on fantasy.

But she wont know it until they both REALLY get together

Wow! This is a tough one, especially with a kid involved. However, you have to do whatever makes you happy. Your father/family are the ones to really blame for this. You got married at a very young age to a man that's much older than you. A lot of times, these types of marriages do not work out. Heck! you really have no feelings for him, if you feel like being raped while making love, It's time to move on. Just make sure when you run he cannot find you. Anything can happen. There is the story of a a guy in St. Louis that killed his much much younger wife. Some of this Naija men cannot take it and will do anything.

Best of luck to you.