On a royal pursuit, I am barred by the high tides: the king's edict cannot be flouted, and yet I dare not brazenly dive into the river

As sad as your situation is, I will not be quick to condemn your parents for their actions. They took the decision based on the information available to them, and, for all intent and purposes, they likely had your best intentions at heart feeling that the man would be able to meeting your need and make a good home. If you don't mind my asking, what is the age gap between your parents? as these might have also affected their overlooking the age difference issue. Anyways that his done already, so there is no point in crying over spilt milk.

As per your ex (or any other interests), forget him. There are many valid reasons for him having a selfish agenda, and even if he is genuinely in love with you, the complications that would arise from you divorcing and marrying him would likely be too much to bear. His own family will likely not support his marrying you and I doubt your parents (especially your dad) would approve also. Most importantly, your kid would also be caught up in the whole palaver. Please put all your effort into making the best of your marriage.

I do appreciate the challenges that generational gaps can put up against finding the sparks (forget about fireworks for now) with a loved one, and the additional problems of dealing with a man above 40 who is more or less set in his ways (like reinforced concrete). Add the Nigerian factor of 'I am the man, and am always right' to it, and you are really up against it. As bad as it sounds, it is not hopeless. I know of a couple in a similar arrangement and they have made quite a success of it.

I am glad that you said that your husband loves you, and tries his best to make you happy. This gives you a foundation on which to work on ( I cant imagine the alternative). Despite being married, you need to go through the courtship process with your husband. You need to get to know him for who he is, and let him appreciate you for who you are. Do not look for the pros of a youthful spouse in him, as you would likely be disappointed, but rather see him for what he has to offer given his age and likely maturity. You might have to start from a pseudo father-daughter relationship to overcome certain restrictions in communication. Focus more on what he has, and less on what he lacks. They key is to find the things you love about him.

@ poster,
Will it be possible for you to go to a different state or city to study or something?
That way you'll be away from your husband and you have some free time and can decide what you really want.
While i wont advise you to stay with a man you obviously are finding more difficult to stand by the day, i wouldn't advise that your primary reason is your first boyfriend.
While he may genuinely love/ like you, the probability that he's trying to use you to travle abroad is very high.
You just might meet another guy and he'd be the real deal.
Having said that, are there changes that you can make happen in your husband that can make you more attracted to him? like the way he dresses, smells etc

scktaggif:

You love your husband but you have not given yourself the space to know that, if not why did you marry him in the first place. I can tell you have feelings for your husband, and you need to say i can do it. Forget about your first love and build on the marriage you have now, you have taken the vow already am sure you weren't forced into marring him. Put your mind to it, he becomes annoying because you have your mind elsewhere. That’s an evil spirit, that can't be from God. And your first love is not a real man not to accept the fact that you are married, a real man knows when its over. Girl, face your marriage and forget outside, this is evil.

my friend read d thread properly,she was forced into amrriage

Might be an illusion, better b wise!

This almost made me cry because being in a loveless marriage means a lot, no one but the victim understands better.
Being in a loveless marriage means:
u wl never feel the fantasy in love making in your life,
u will never enjoy (erepa) rough play wit yr hubby,
u will never be proud of your husband
u wl feel intimidated wen u see young couples
u will feel inferior

For Christ sake while i dont support divorce i see no reason why one should live this kind of life all her life.

She has never KISSED her husband in 6 years obviously this lady is suffering.

Forget about your ex dearie but make yourself happy, make your decision without him in the picture he might not be real afterall

But that with a child u cant get a husband? wrong! my landlady is married to a single guy and gave him 3 kids after she already had 3 kids from a previous relatioship and they are happy together for over 10 years now.

Its good to consider the kids involved but the girl needs to be happy as well staying with someone who is disgusting to you is a serious sickness.

But then my fears:

we've been hearing news of men shooting their wives and kids because their wives are leaving for another man, im afraid of someting like this

your father told you he will go to the next village to kill you if you dont marry him, when you now divorce him nko i hope he is not that wicked to kill u sha

Whatever you will do think very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy well and block all loopholes

                    

damn! this is ridiculous! this modern age and we still got arranged marriage! this is crap!  You should have ran away when your parent threatened to kill you if you don't marry him. 6 years and no happiness? haaaaaaaaaaa! when will happiness come? this sucks! 

Such a sad scenerio. I advice that first of all surrender your life to Jesus Christ. He is the only one who can help you carry this burden. Cos your situation, if not for the grace of God is capable of leading you into committing suicide. You will need to forgive all those that played a role in putting you into this mess. You will also need to forgive yourself for the part you played.

On whether to leave your husband or not, the answer is simple: If you feel your marriage to this man was not conducted according to the will of God, you can leave. But if otherwise, you can not leave cos that will amount to adultery.

You will need to find a reputable pastor or a counsellor who will prayerfully help you. But you must know that the final decision is yours to make. You must be bold enough to decide your fate.

Good luck!

Did u marry dis ya husband at gun point? Was ya first love 'dead' when u married ya husband? where was he? better be sensible n take care of ya family.

Passie:

Did u marry dis ya husband at gun point? Was ya first love 'dead' when u married ya husband? where was he? better be sensible n take care of ya family.

same question i have been asking

amebo no1.:

my friend read d thread properly,she was forced into amrriage

Listen to me, if you are a man know this. When a woman's fed up or her eye don dey outside there is nothing you can do about it. She will cook up stories to justify her action.

I agree with @scktaggif 100%. Concentrate on your family. That your feelings is an evil one, after you have done what it will lead you to do, you will regret it, the former boyfriend fit even run leave you.

Love is not mystical, it can be cultivated.  That’s why you can be in love with two people at desame time, if they both have your qualities that make you happy. You can bring up someone exactly how you love him to be.  Change is constant; men are like kids and can be brought up.  That thing in your ex that makes you feel very comfortable around him can be cultivated in your husband. If he is not a social person, you can make him one. If he is a sadist, you can build him exactly the way you want him to be. You said your husband is a nice man, so it is left for you to make him the way you want him. There is a child in this marriage, please note that a child is better of with both parents. When the he grows up, he will be made to understand his mother left his dad because she doesn’t love him anymore (can be translated to Adultery)

From what you have said, your husband is not an abuser, not a cheat, not a thief.

Do you think your husband deserve this? What if you were living happily with him and your kids and he suddenly filed for devoice, and got married to his ex.


MAKE YOUR HUSBAND THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO BE.  Go to church, God will give you the answer, the devil is trying to destroy something here.

Your boyfriend has only come to steal, kill and destroy your marriage. Don't give him chance

Haba @ poster. You said you came back to Nigeria, met your first love and feelings and experiences with him started rushing in you again or what? I don't believe this.People, do you all buy this? Not one bit! When did you start dating him? At 15yrs? If true you must have seen and taken it all and no 16yr-old will convince me that she didn't relish going to America or abroad for anyhow man. Luckily for you, this man is not anyhow one.They suffer alot to make it and when they are at it age catches up with them. Government is corrupt, family setup eats up people's time and resources.Even people who marry early abroad break up early too.Enjoy it and enjoy him. Am in my 30's now and I talk with a 17yr-old girl who sounds okay and mature.She knows my age and if I propose to her now and she agrees then I will be annoyed to see her post on Nairaland about feeling being raped when kissing me and shagging with me.I don't believe this at all. Say more things on this story. It is fake!

ferdiii:

Haba @ poster. You said you came back to Nigeria, met your first love and feelings and experiences with him started rushing in you again or what? I don't believe this.People, do you all buy this? Not one bit! When did you start dating him? At 15yrs? If true you must have seen and taken it all and no 16yr-old will convince me that she didn't relish going to America or abroad for anyhow man. Luckily for you, this man is not anyhow one.They suffer alot to make it and when they are at it age catches up with them. Government is corrupt, family setup eats up people's time and resources.Even people who marry early abroad break up early too.Enjoy it and enjoy him. Am in my 30's now and I talk with a 17yr-old girl who sounds okay and mature.She knows my age and if I propose to her now and she agrees then I will be annoyed to see her post on Nairaland about feeling being raped when kissing me and shagging with me.I don't believe this at all. Say more things on this story. It is fake!

Child teen abuse! Think again.

What kinda advice would u need again, your post says "you want to", so go ahead.
Good luck, grass may seems to be greener on the other side, however, it cld be fake grass.

wakagirl:


Child teen abuse! Think again.

So we should wait until the thing gets 'sawa' first? LOL! No lording it over here.We live afar and no pressure at all on anybody. I don't even intend to marry her or wait for her to be a grown-ass woman.This thing is up for chop! But am just not an it-must-be-now or it-must-be-you kind of man.However men are equal to what women want.

@poster! okay, its an arrangie marriage. how do u both try to make it work and its not working? is it ur faul or his

@Poster. hey am new here so pls pardon my errors. Like they say water always follow the path of least resistance. Leaving your husband I think is following the path of least resistance but there is never a guarantee of your 1st love. Most people are at their best when u meet them occasionally but when u stay with them for long that's when u can see their unpleasant side. One thing u must also put at the back of your mind is that divorce is against God's commandment, and breaking the covenant is going against God. There is no problem that cannot be solved, if you put ur mind to work it ur marriage, it will work. it might take time but at the end u will be glad u did.

@poster nj11,please lets contact me on felixfred@yahoo.com, thanx

I have read most of the comments and some seem very practical, some filled with perfect way to live a married life. I am a woman, and i tell you , you can not feel any love for a man you are not attracted to and feel like been raped anytime he climbs you, Trust me it a terrible feeling and no one should pass through such , married; unmarried; desperate to marry; or perceuted to marry. When you do not feel anything for a man, his love advances and niceness irritates you the more, So please what good sides are we talking abt and even if she has a kid, so bloody what. From this lady 's comment, i think she is most like 4rm the east cos this is where u see old men been cradle snatchers and where marriage is seen as a do or die affair([esp americana ones) instead of a union based on true love

nne, please leave for your happiness but make sure you are economically empowered and for your ex boyfriend , take the risk but sweet he might not even be the one, might be a useless case but bottom line you are happy and have the opportunity to get the kind of man u truely want.

NJ11, sometimes love is overated you know. Biina your response got me thinking you know sometimes as people we need to concerntrate on things that are positive about our situations and the people in our lives. I say love your husband for all he is, as I am sure you will want the next man to love you with all you are. Yes it may have been forced on you but you lacked the character to say no when you had the chance. I fell preganant at 18 I was still a baby but I knew I didnt want the father of my child in my future and I made it clear to everyone, his family and mine. I didnt want to bring a child in this life to experience a life made of lies.

Today I look back on the decision and I am wowed! I know I couldnt have done it by myself, God has always been on my side. It has not always been perfect but I am the kind to own up to my decisions (its called character). I've got a friend who got married a year after I got a child. Now you must know in SA getting married to a doctor in the early nineties was big, girlfriend had hit the jackpot and she was the envy of all her peers. After two kids in two years of marriage the whole thing collapsed.

The message I am trying to drive home here is that, experience has tought me that Love is totally overated, people have their best and poor qualities. I gather that you havent even had a chance to know who you are, what you are made of and what you stand for. My advice is that and I hate giving advice "DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND FOR ANOTHER MAN, LEAVE HIM BECAUSE ITS TIME TO BE WITH YOURSELF AND GOD"

Sometimes in life we need to turn our lemons into lemonade, its called being creative with your problems. Make sure whatever decision you take today you will not look back with regret. This is the essence of your situation, Dont forget to talk to God,

::

its ur life, u can live it the way u want it