#Copied When people have very close friends or confidantes outside their partners, difficult times could force such relationships to turn catastrophic. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about; all those standby ‘friends’ you text/call/hang out with to ‘let off steam’ when Le-boo is driving you crazy. They are harmless, (aren’t they?); they are in your church, your office, your school, from your childhood … you even call him/her ‘brother/sister’. However, if caution is thrown to the wind, several weak moments might lead to serious damage. Cheating doesn’t start when the clothes are on the floor or lips lock with another’s.
It starts the moment someone else begins to
occupy that space in your heart and thoughts that you have reserved for your significant other. The popular word for that is ‘emotional infidelity’. The feelings associated with emotional infidelity are quite common; in fact it is one way your heart tells you something is off balance. And it can go on
for very long, while you are ignoring all the tugs and signs, until one day it happens. Most people wait till that point and often they end in tears and regret, bearing the blunt impact of their self-deceit.
To make sure that this will never be your potion,here are 7 signs to take note of:
#1 – ‘We are just friends’
So why are you telling us? The truth – which you are busy forming ninja one-eye for – is that people around you are noticing the closeness and the new vibe, and they are asking questions; your heart is telling you something is not right, something feels different. Instead of you to swallow your Pride syrup and seek help, you keep rehashing that phrase – ‘Just friends’, trying to convince people that what is happening is not happening. If there is somebody whom you have to constantly remind yourself and others that he/she is ‘just a friend’, chances are you are not just. You both are more than friends and you are in denial.
#2 – You take extra time to pick out your clothes and/or do your make-up
You have been working in that office for centuries, going to that school for years or worshipping in that church since 19-korondo. But before you go these days, you suddenly have to spend an hour choosing between the sky blue and ocean blue tie
which highlights your nose better. And the moment you step into the place your eyes laser-locate Mr./Ms. Just-friends, and you wait for their validation. People compliment you, but it never feels as good as when he/she does. And at the end of the day you go home and tell your baby, “ever faithful art my name”. My friend, stop that nonsense dia!
#3 – You make time to ‘hang out’ with this person
The first time it was coincidence; the bus was late so you both started a conversation while waiting. Warm intelligent conversation, it was so refreshing. You were both wearing rings so there was no hidden agendas when you exchanged numbers.
Just friends.
The next day you are up early, you get the children ready and off to school a full ten
minutes ahead of time – magic! – and half an hourlater, you are at the bus stop enjoying your warm cup of ‘intelligent conversation’. Soon you become an early riser (halleluya!); you dress better to work and you leave home every morning with two bounces – one in your legs and another in your heart. Before long, mornings are not enough; you
make your lunch hour coincide with his, you start to attend his church, you take dance classes together, etc. If you make conscious effort to repeatedly include Mr./Ms. Just-friends in your daily activities, ello bae, you h-are h-a sheater!
#4 – You start comparing your partner to this person
This is the point where ‘water haff pass Ijebu gari’; in other words, your Ijebu gari is rising faaast. It usually starts subtly and you might think light of it at first, but at this point, almost everything Mr/Ms. Just-friends does is better than your partner’s attempt, especially little things. Her upturned-W nose is not sexy anymore, it now reminds you of the subway tunnels; and his Father Christmas laugh does not tickle you anymore, it is too loud. You begin to compare everything, seeing ‘greener pastures’ in Mr./Ms. Just-friends.Smh.
#5 – You start having intimate conversations
Some of us have friends that we share intimate parts of our lives with; however, this is very different. When you are in a committed relationship, one diamond rule is that there are certain conversation that are reserved for the confines of your relationship. Like how many beauty marks you have, and where they are located on your body, like how the hair is curly on your back and thighs, or how heavy your period
is. When you start having such intimate
conversations with Mr./Ms. Just-friends, you are opening yourself up, and the line is being crossed.
#6 – You start imagining a relationship with this person
At this point, there is fire on the mountain. In the comfort of your solitude, you start painting picture of what life will be like with this person; of course, you will paint it to look better than the life you have with your partner, because you want it. This sign is dangerous because you are already replacing your partner with Mr/Ms Just-friends in your heart. A solid give-away of this sign is the guilt it comes with. You will want to deny it but you feel tiny slices of guilt at odd moments, like when wifey wants to play but you are too ‘tired’, or when Harrysong’s Reggae blues wails “… cos even your boo get a boo”. Trust me, you are already there.
#7 – Your partner starts to REALLY irritate you
You cannot bear it anymore! All of a sudden, your tolerance level significantly drops; things your partner used to do, that were okay, suddenly rob off on you very wrongly. This is not the small nagging or petty vex that soon goes away, no, you find yourself holding onto hurts, never forgetting and constantly threatening break-up. Dearest, you have merely worked that fantasy up
to the level of grace where you cannot afford to not live it, and so you are seeking an out to explore. It is your choice, you may leave, break her heart, break his bank account, whatever you want … but please, never say you did not cheat.
Why? Duh! You deeeed! Emotional infidelity, brothers and sisters, is just as bad as the generic ‘cheating’. No matter how harmless it may seem, it is neither a fix for the issues you are facing neither is it a better chance at love. Leaving one relationship for another (back-
to-back) is hardly ever the answer. If you need to end your relationship for good reasons, do so and give yourself time … plenty time to pull yourself together.
If you notice any of these signs, find yourself
slipping, and want to save your relationship, it is early enough to make necessary changes. The first step is to admit it. Tell yourself the truth and you have started your journey of retracing your steps. http://www.wordsarework.com/index.php/2015/10/03/winnie-says-7-signs-of-emotional-infidelity/ |
