Some psychologists tell us that of all issues in a relationship that have an impact on its quality, trust is near the top. Trust has a huge impact on the way we think, the way we behave, and the choices we make. Consequently, trust can make a huge impact on the quality of our relationships. And in the way we view trust and view the way it affects our relationships we often make two mistakes:

Mistake No. 1
We typically view trust in a very limited way. We view it as an absolute. We believe that in a relationship, trust either exists or it doesn't exist. What we fail to see is that trust can exist in certain areas but not in others. If we are to develop trust we must learn to develop it one step at a time in each of its individual areas.

Mistake No. 2
In trying to develop trust we look to others to make changes, rather than looking to the person who potentially is best qualified to make changes--our self. As much as we would like to believe we can influence change in others, the truth is, lasting and meaningful change can only happen within us if we, ourselves, make it happen. Change comes from certain attitudes such as commitment, understanding, acceptance, and willingness to pay necessary prices. Changes-or improvements-in these attitudes can only come from within ourselves.

Now, let's look at how trust-or the absence of trust-can affect our relationships. Then, we'll look at how we can earn trust and how we can develop our ability to trust.

Elements of Trust
First, we need to better understand these two elements of trust:


1. trust earned
2. trust learned

Each has it's own separate and unique way of deterring fear-or mistrust, and each has its own unique way of promoting greater trust.

So, to begin understanding more about these elements, let us examine them both.

Element #1. Trust Earned
To understand how we can earn trust, let's look at 3 positive components that contribute to a nurturing relationship.

Component A : Understanding
If we are going to expect members of our family to discuss with us certain problems they may have, problems that may involve their hurts, fears, needs, etc., it is essential that they trust us to listen, understand, and withhold judgment and criticism. Unless we are willing and able to do this, we will have little hope of gaining enough of their trust that they will be open with us.

Component B: Honesty
In earning trust from others about our honesty, often we will need to choose between the benefits of being trusted and benefits of deception, such as personal pleasures, recognition, and validation. To earn greater trust we sometimes may find it necessary to be more transparent and vulnerable. The more mistakes, selfishness, and pride we hide from others, the more we invite their mistrust.

Component C: Caring
Few psychologists or human behaviorists will disagree with the premise that being valued and loved is an essential factor in creating and maintaining a loving and trusting relationship. If we are to develop and maintain this kind of thriving relationship we must earn trust from those who need our love and caring, and those we depend on for this love and caring. Such trust can only come from honest and sincere caring and appreciation. Any attempt to create an insincere impression of caring and appreciation, where real caring and appreciation do not truly exist, will eventually backfire and destroy any trust that might have already existed.

Element #2. Trust Learned
Some human behaviorists believe that inability to trust is linked to one of two beliefs or perceptions:

Perception A. Painful Experiences
If we have experienced emotional pain which we believe another person has caused, and if we believe-even if this belief is unconscious-that we are still vulnerable to emotional pain, we will likely find it quite difficult to trust.

Perception B. Failure To Believe In Our Own Empowerment
Some family therapists believe that certain types of mistrust are, in reality, fear of being hurt. Some believe that this mistrust is a defense against emotional pain. They will tell you that the person who has found a way to a) resist or avoid emotional pain, or b) rebound from emotional pain, is less likely to fear emotional pain. This person is, therefore, more likely to trust. The person who has gained greater empowerment has learned from experience that a well-developed sense of empowerment not only can reduce the severity of pain but can also reduce its frequency. In either case, he will have less need to protect himself, less need to fear, and less need to mistrust.

So, if we are willing to learn more about ourselves and the changes we can make to earn trust and to learn to trust, we will have taken the first step in developing these two kinds of trust. And having learned and developed them, ourselves, we can be more assured that others in our family will also learn and develop them.

Sterling Mayfield has served as personal counselor and group facilitator for a 1,000-member divorce support group in the Midwest, served as counselor in a crisis center and youth drop-in center. He was a corporate officer in the largest foster parent program in Minnesota, where he developed its parent training program. He was a partner in a business that provided interpersonal relationship counseling to their clients, and he has taught classes in communication, conflict resolution, and parenting. Currently he provides family relations and parenting coaching services to families.

Its been over 2 hrs since this post published. Much as women lament about the need for a trusting relationship it's a pity not one has responded to this post. Now if the topic was about cheating they would all be here giggling. . .

Good write up

Iice,

I'm in agreement, its a brilliant work.

Big ups to you for the article, i dont know if you are still online but i need some explanations

how does one know when trust becomes blind Trust?

you know that whole trust him/her when u arent with them, dont kill urself thinking they are cheating and all what not.

all fair and square but

i need clarification, when does common sense trusting becomes blind trusting.

also i need to know is it possible for a person to TOTALLY lose the ability to trust the opposite sex again?,

well, again nice article bro, finally sumthing we can all learn from



word is bond!

Too long. Why don't y'all make your write-ups pithy? All these long articles don't make so much sense. Summarize your points and make them compendious -- that way it'll be read to assimilation. Good job on the article anyway. Props to you.