even 500 naira is too much to pay for a brideprize. lol jk

but i think anything that cost anything that cost more than 700,000 naira is just asking for too much.
sometimes the parents are greedy.

Seriously if we women rely want equal rights and opportunities,
then we should drop the idea of 'BRIDE PRICE' completely!!
C'mon somthing's gotta give!

I know for us women, the idea of a bride price is very romantic but then a wife that aggitates for equal rights and opportunitiies wit her husbad belive me is very unromantic to the men folk!

@ poster, if ur friend insists on getttn her wish no problem she can press harder until her husband 2 be succumbs but she should be redy to trash her certificates and become a HOUSEWIFE wen her master want's his pound of flesh so desires

I see no reason why an african in the 21st century would want to live out the traditions of arabian desert dwellers. I think u need to think it tru b4 demandin 4 24k gold and what nots. The man might decide to enforce his muslim rights and give u good whippin every now and then or marry extra women or keep u in purdah. I think nig dowry traditions are quite affordable.

Akanniade:

I see no reason why an african in the 21st century would want to live out the traditions of arabian desert dwellers. I think u need to think it tru b4 demandin 4 24k gold and what nots. The man might decide to enforce his muslim rights and give u good whippin every now and then or marry extra women or keep u in purdah. I think nig dowry traditions are quite affordable.

agreed! most men think when they pay a bride price that they have somehow bought you.
and then they feel they can do anyhow. its just another form of slavery.
when they say "I PAID YOUR BRIDE PRICE" its as if they are saying "I BOUGHT YOU" so they feel they can do anyhow with their wives without respect.
even in nigerian movies they show this all the time.
its sad. in the 21 century we need to eliminate this bride price thing, putting to much pressure on these young people.

LET THEM KNOW THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BRIDE PRICE AND DOWRY!!



make una figure am out o.

One tribe in Northern Nigeria always collect there money back if the girl is not a virgin,cus she is worth no prize, itiju (Shame )

how would they detect if she wasnt a virgin.
would they go to the gynecologist?

The man and the woman will sleep together on the day of wedding in the wife's family house, and in the morning if the girl is a true virgin the husband will give more to the inlaws if he wishes , but if she is not a virgin, The husband will not greet anyone in that house that morning before he heads home, he will spit in front of the girl's parents and just leave, and after his best men will come for the money or fight with the inlaws

waxyweller:

The man and the woman will sleep together on the day of wedding in the wife's family house, and in the morning if the girl is a true virgin the husband will give more to the inlaws if he wishes , but if she is not a virgin, The husband will not greet anyone in that house that morning before he heads home, he will spit in front of the girl's parents and just leave, and after his best men will come for the money or fight with the inlaws

WHAT?? is that real?
how can you detect if she was a virgin or not by sleeping with her? thats not always accurate. but i guess thats their way of doing things. so if she is a virgin then i guess she will be extreamy tight? lol
then the girl can never get married again since she is officially not a virgin anymore? she only has once chance.

waxyweller:

The man and the woman will sleep together on the day of wedding in the wife's family house,  and in the morning if the girl is a true virgin the husband will give more to the inlaws if he wishes ,  but if she is not a virgin,  The husband will not greet anyone in that house that morning before he heads home,  he will spit in front of the girl's parents and just leave, and after his best men will come for the money or fight with the inlaws

INTERESTING

Thanks all for your contributions, as i said you all are entitled to your opinion. I also found out that i or we should concerntrate on the term DOWRY instead Bride Price. Dowry is what the bride culturally demands as a gift while bride price is what a sort of compensation to the brides family.

Those who feel offended by my mentioning her educational background, sorry. i had to do that cos some folks called her a gold digger and that she's trying to milk her boo. I remember the early "toasting" era, lol, this man spared no stone unturned in trying to meet up her lifestyle (i guess). he would take her on surprise foreign trips etc.  MY FRIEND IS IN NO WAY TRYING TO SELL HERSELF. BARS OF 24K GOLD CAN NEVER AMOUNT TO HER WORTH AS A DECENT BEAUTIFUL GIRL. And ofcourse, she's no different from a girl that schooled in yabatech etc(as someone said). I raised this issue cos i wonder why a man would feel comfortable spending big money on trivial things and even buying his sister a car worth 6 milion naira and making huge donations at launchings and notbother to fulfill his brides wish. It has nothing to do with selling one's self and virginity.

And for your information, not all virgins bleed on first time OK. So there's very little men can do in determining a true virgin ( virgin soaps are sold everywhere to deceive stupid men, lol) . I'm not saying is a virgin o, ( cos some people can twist words and ideas on this forum)

[center]I am going to make this one of my few exceptions and atually reply this post.[/center]

Though I believe you already got your reply from Post 12 quoted below.

[quote Re: When Is A Brideprice Or Dowry Too "expensive"
« #12 on: Today at 10:45:46 AM »  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Question – When is the bride price or Dowry too expensive?

Answer – When the bride, groom or parents of either have any reservations about the amount.

Advise – Bride & groom to reach a compromise. It will give them some practice on the importance of give & take in marriage.

[quote][/quote]

Firstly there is a difference between bride price and dowry (mahr) in Islam. Islam has no concept like bride price which has to be paid to the family of the bride. Rather , there is the dowry (mahr) which is a mutually agreed-on gift given to the wife as a token. It is not meant to repay what the parents have spent on the lady.

In Islam, the mahr (dower) is a woman's right and that signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. There is no fixed amount of mahr in the Shari`ah. It should be given according to the financial status of the husband and according to the time and place. However, it should be reasonable and not too expensive.

Mahr is not a bride price. It is a woman's right and it signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. In the Qur'an it is called "sadaqah" which means a token of friendship. It is also called "nihlah" which means "a nice gift or present." Mahr also signifies a husband's commitment to take care of his wife's financial needs (nafaqah).


The value of the bride price is relative to your status, wealth and affordability. For a struggling man like myself, N5000 may be too high, while for someone else, he may be ok with N10 million naira.

The Prophet of Islam is reported to have said ""The best woman is the one whose mahr is the easiest to pay."

Note the word 'easiest'

The mahr can be as low as saying' I want a Quran ' and as high as saying I want my personal jet!  In Islam, there is the story of a man who just read some verses in the Quran to his bride to be as dowry; which shows that the essence is a token of love.

Hence if the guy is balking in this case (for any reason), then its not 'easy'  for him, and I belivee the lady should have done her  homework well to have an idea of what he would be willing to give, or talk it through with him, instead of feeling offended (and you feeling offended on her behalf too).

Even though the guy is rich, except the lady is planning to divocce him (and hence wants a keepsake), I think she should focus less on what she gets as the dowry, and work on ensuring a good relationship post-marriage with her fiance (and her mother-in-law to be).

The Prophet of Islam also warned ; “Do not go to extremes” meaning do not exaggerate in increasing the dowry. “A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her” means, until he begins to hate her when he is still paying off the debts incurred because of this mahr because it is too hard for him, or whenever he thinks about the matter.  


She needs to forget all this idea of  her high class, MIT stuff, if she wants to marry this guy, or else thats going to be the first thing she throws up whenever they disagree.

Tomorrow if she wants them to go on a vacation to Paris, and th guy wants to go to Obudu Cattle Ranch, she has to learn to agree or persuade him softly , rather than referring to the vacation trip to Hawaai that he paid for, for his sister.

In fact , both the lady and the poster have a lot to learn about marriage (no wonder most high-class marriages dont last long, I said most, not all).

I wish the lady the best in her marital journey! And let the guy too buckle up ! Even me sef pay pass N5000!

Amaka she can get married to divorces cus she is in the same level as them , the whole village will hear the story ofcourse,

cooljade:

Thanks all for your contributions, as i said you all are entitled to your opinion. I also found out that i or we should concerntrate on the term DOWRY instead Bride Price. Dowry is what the bride culturally demands as a gift while bride price is what a sort of compensation to the brides family.

Those who feel offended by my mentioning her educational background, sorry. i had to do that cos some folks called her a gold digger and that she's trying to milk her boo. I remember the early "toasting" era, lol, this man spared no stone unturned in trying to meet up her lifestyle (i guess). he would take her on surprise foreign trips etc.  MY FRIEND IS IN NO WAY TRYING TO SELL HERSELF. BARS OF 24K GOLD CAN NEVER AMOUNT TO HER WORTH AS A DECENT BEAUTIFUL GIRL. And ofcourse, she's no different from a girl that schooled in yabatech etc(as someone said). I raised this issue cos i wonder why a man would feel comfortable spending big money on trivial things and even buying his sister a car worth 6 milion naira and making huge donations at launchings and notbother to fulfill his brides wish. It has nothing to do with selling one's self and virginity.

And for your information, not all virgins bleed on first time OK. So there's very little men can do in determining a true virgin ( virgin soaps are sold everywhere to deceive stupid men, lol) . I'm not saying is a virgin o, ( cos some people can twist words and ideas on this forum)

thats very much true. ive had a friend tell me she didnt bleed. so that virgin test is pretty dumb.
but the woman cannot defend herself because she is a woman.
and everyone will look down upon her and she will not get married because she is supposedly not a virgin.
but what can i say, women have no rights in a lot of cultures.
but thats their culture and i respect that.

How do you expect anyone to know?

Thanks Ioma, I agree that we have a lot to learn about marriage. infact , everyone does, poor people too have divorces. my pal doesn't look at high priced things all the time, they enjoy visiting Gurara fals, cotonou and Ghana road trips etc. My Christian background doesn't provide me the right to demand dowry. but My friend is only exercising her religious given rights, and she definately knows what her fiance can afford conveniently.

You know, some men don't mind spending 10 or 15 million on a car. or sponsoring a friends wedding reception running into milions but find it difficult making tangible investment on their women, that's when they realse the sweat put in to make the money ,

@ cooljade

So the REAL problem here is that she/you think the Fiance is quite happy to flash cash at his family or at his choosing but is stingy when it comes to her?  Wonder how much he's really worth or does he selective as to how he shows off, so to speak?

I'm sure ideally she'd like her dreamed of gold bars, as someone else said, a happy husband won't deny her that.  If he won't budge on it then I think she really needs to consider something that is equivalent, and take her bars one year at a time.

The dowry does not make a marriage, they shouldn't get too caught up in the material but maybe it's too late for that.  Would like to know how it's resolved (eventually).

@ poster, I think your friend ought to be reasonable about her bride price. The marriage won't end only with the bride price as there're other things like her upkeep and the future family they will have together. As for the Dubai issue, Nigeria is not the UAE. Besides, after paying very are sums of money for very expensive dowries, the women married end up being treated as prized possessions instead of wives/confidant/best friend/partner.

@Cooljade:

I agree with you. Theres nothing wrong in wanting the best out of life, and all that. And from your post, her boo was giving her very good treatment i.e trips abroad and stuff, so well, I can understand her wanting the gold. Thing is how she might have gone about it. If her guy can afford it, then its ok, why not? If I got the cash, I can buy it for my wife. As long as I know she loves me for me, and its not about the cash. Its a thin line to walk between making a request for a gift and gold digging. Anyways, your friend should just psyche the guy, tell him about her fantasies and how she imagined her bride price would be and all, and let her just let him know its not as if its a hard core demand, and theres no pressure, cmon now, you know how you women work your magic!!
If the guy can spend so much on his immediate family, he should be able to do more for his wife. And the guy needs to cut the Mumsie apron strings like yesterday!
If you have the cash, spend it on yourself, and be happy, then you will be motivated to help others achieve the happiness you enjoy. So please, buy the yacht if you can afford it, we might race yachts together, who knows?  

In Islam giving out things either money or materials is not limited to a certain amount or quantity but the giver must give with the fear of God while the receiver must also receive with the fear of God. You can give to your spouse even a big estate only if you are giving it to her with God's fear in you. I think before you give your fiance expensive materials as dowry you must have taken good care of your parents and your immediate families and also the needy around you. The best wife for a man is a wife that is loving, caring and who advices you a lot. Mind you, if you dont spend for your parents and your immediate families and you are buying for your fiance expensive materials, even you in your right senses should know you are creating problems for yourself. This is africa not oyinbo land, we have rules and regulations that favours everyone.

wavemasta got it spot on. BINGO. He knows she wants it, he can afford it, but is scared mummy dearest will criticize him. I know that deep down his heart he wants to, but he puts his mother's feelings first.

Brideprice ko, groom price ni

It is not about spending the money on her, It is about preparing for the future ahead.If he did take her on trip, she should know that he can do what she is demanding.
   Buying the 24karat isn't a  problem, You are saying becos he bought  a car of 6million naira for his sister, Do you know when and why he bought this for his sister and do you know how this sister contributed to his status back when he was a NOBODY.
    Do you know that back in 2007 everyman can throwaway 20million naira without thinking, But this days times are hard and every spending has been limited the things you used to do back in 3 to 2 years, You can't do them no more.

  Even myself, I limit my spending this day, becos I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.If he use to tour her round the world before why Ghana and Cotonou,I do not fancy anything in this countries becos the economy is dropping real bad, It is hitting on men, but most women fail to understand this.
   Let me tell you sumtin, Sometimes as a wealthy man you make promises at launching and you end up not fulfilling them, But the public will know you pledge a huge sum, they will never know you did not fulfill them even in churches it do hapen.
  This he is doing to gain recognition in the society we are today.
  It is like showbiz, you do  or ask for what you can't afford.If the gold is too expensive  and she like her childhood dream accomplish, SHE CAN DO THAT HERSELF  IF SHE WISH, for her statue and family 3 million is a small amount, but for the guy 500naira is not small.
  Let her buy and give the guy if he won't feel insulted.There are many rich guys in Nigeria that will love and cherish her if she wish to leave the guy, she should concentrate on making the marriage work, The Dowry or Bride price is not a neccessity.
  Good wife should be planning on investment rather than thinking of a 24k gold.

  Sometimes you women do not think before acting, Don't complain after the 24k Gold, he starts hitting or hating you for his downfall.
  The days of too much spending are gone, Real men think before they spend their money this days, If it were 3 years ago he could buy 10 of the 24karat gold.But now times are hard.
  If you doubt me ASK Dangote or  Mike Adenuga How far,RECESSION IS BAD.

  Even my Godfathers are complaining on daily basis.
   If I see your type or your friend type for road. I no go Marry again be that oh.

@loma

thanks for the post; it gave us a good understanding of the islamic culture

@poster

its like your friend is already having a problem with the sister of her man and this portends great danger for the future.

i believe hapiness in marriage is betta than silver and gold. it takes mutual understanding to achieve that happiness, not 24k gold. if u get what i mean. so  think ur friend should concentrate more on how to build a solid and lasting marriage by making up with her hubby. if u still thinks otherwise, i have another option, let her marry me!

@cooljade

Kini big deal!

let your rich girlfriend pay her dowry and marry herself!you girls will not give men heart attack.

"Abeg, make we hear word jari"!

Well, there is nothing wrong with a bride to-be trying to fufill her dreams(fantasies), just to make herself happy. This can be done through customary/religious rights. It's just that some may never work out as one may want it. At this of kind of situation, she may be forced to choose another alternative to will compensate her over time. I mean by saying if she really loves her man and will be ready to do anything to make him happy. Even the man in particular has the obligation to fulfill his bride wishes, I don't think it would be that difficult for him to do. It's just a matter of love & understanding in matrimonial cases.
Cooljade, I think it is better u explain to ur friend the need for her to know this. At least, it will help her know what she really wants in life. Also let her explain to her husband to-be her fantasies & why she really wants it. Am sure the guy will left with on other choice than to find a way to make her happy. Am sure this will help out a lot between them. Good luck to her oncemore!

Partners should have some understanding of each other before proposing to marry each other, so in my opinion the dowry becomes too much when the bride knowingly asked for the groom would not be able to afford.

Donvilo:

Cooljade, I think it is better u explain to ur friend the need for her to know this. At least, it will help her know what she really wants in life. Also let her explain to her husband to-be her fantasies & why she really wants it. Am sure the guy will left with on other choice than to find a way to make her happy. Am sure this will help out a lot between them. Good luck to her oncemore!

Cooljade doesn't want to hear this kind of advice. There is a thin line between fantasy and madness

cooljade:

Thanks Ioma, I agree that we have a lot to learn about marriage. infact , everyone does, poor people too have divorces. my pal doesn't look at high priced things all the time, they enjoy visiting Gurara fals, cotonou and Ghana road trips etc. My Christian background doesn't provide me the right to demand dowry. but My friend is only exercising her religious given rights, and she definately knows what her fiance can afford conveniently.

You know, some men don't mind spending 10 or 15 million on a car. or sponsoring a friends wedding reception running into milions but find it difficult making tangible investment on their women, that's when they realse the sweat put in to make the money ,

Please do not find what I am saying offensive, some men don't like their woman to hang out with friends cus of some pple like you cus to me you knw too much in this ppls relationship (WHERE THEY GO, WHAT THEY EAT, HOW MUCH HE SPENDS AND WHO & WHAT HE SPENDS IT ON are you like their Accountant or something) So what if he spends on his family all this while that he has been taking your friend places and stuff now becomes ZERO jus cus he is not buying 24K GOLD BAR.

Well you have talked about his mother, sister and friends that he has done something for but but haven't mentioned anything about the kind of advice that you actually gave your friend in all this,

You & your friend don’t sound like you were born into wealth. It’s more like you ran into along the way. People born into wealth don’t make a lot of noise about it.

Btw, what your friend is asking for is really stupid, shows she doesn’t love the guy. If she does, she shld be more excited about getting married to him than helping her greedy family to bloat the dowry. She will only continue to demand, nag and complain, in marriage till she kills him

These are some of the reasons why marriages fail these days. This one has far as I am concerned has already failed b4 it even started. I don’t blame her it’s the baboon that’s still sticking around thinking if he shld pay the stupid dowry or not that I blame.