EfemenaXY:


The responses on this thread!

Now this is exactly the sort of scenario I had in mind regarding stay at home mothers in Naija, 100% reliant on the man who go cap in hand begging for handouts while waiting meekly (and patiently) for him as he reluctantly counts the pennies / kobos for her to buy her sanitary pads.

Cc: Edwife. Kimoni. Byvan03. Mindfulness.

Your views pls.

quivah:
This cute hector is just too dumb for my liking, and even worse he tries to act smart and that makes him more dumb!

EfemenaXY:


There aren't any generalizations within my post Eds. I've categorically stated (in the previous thread you're referring to), that I see how it can and can't work from both ends of the spectrum. (i.e stay at home vs working mums, within or outside Naija, with either a supporting/understanding husband or a with a man with contrary views). This example completely fits in with the classical example of a stay at home mum in Naija with a man who is non-supportive.

The 1^st and 2^nd points you make are contradictory to your follow on text. You start of by saying not many women in Nigeria are stay at home mothers by choice, yet you go on to mention that not everyone is cut out for a white collar job? If a woman isn't a stay at home mum by choice, it means that she wants to work, yes? And wouldn't stop searching till she gets what she wants, irrespective of the type of job she lands herself with, as long as it pays, abi? So why make the distinction between white collar jobs and non-white collar jobs? Of what relevance is that to a stay at home mum wanting to get back into employment?

Really?

But you also said this:

So how do you know it wasn't a joint decision initially made and agreed upon, by both of them, for her to stay at home and tend to the kids? Additionally, how can you be sure that just because the oldest is 13 years (don't know where you got that from), that the younger ones aren't of primary school age? Or that her last child might even be a toddler? Just because she's been married for 14 years doesn't automatically imply that they started having kids immediately they tied the knot. For all we know, the couple could have been late starters with very young kids in tow right now - and if that's the case, then going by your earlier assertion, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to be at home looking after the little ones till they are of secondary school age, yes? So why call her a dummy then?

from one quarrel to the other until a week ago he abused her physically to the point that her left eye was shut and watery. stripped her Unclad in the compound in front of her 13yr old son.

Well, this lady obviously does and has been doing so for the last 14 years.

Really? Never heard of these "housewife levels".

And for every Adaeze Yobo, how many thousands of destitute housewives are out there, forced into a life of destitution by the choice to park their education and brains aside?

Don't personalize it. Stick to the topic pls. This isn't about you, your friends, or the choices you made, neither is anyone on here judging your decision. I asked for your opinion of this story and nothing else.

byvan03:

Edwife is right oo, I didn't beg, not when am the accountant general. I think she is married to a stingy man and failed to use her brain. I also don't believe she knows anything about the course she studied, maybe she didn't even graduate. Some beg cap in hand but many run that department so no need to beg.
Some women never worked in their life but do much to show for not working, why many work but could barely buy a decent pair of shoes. It truly depends on the dynamics of the marriage. This woman is married to a mad man, she should know better.

How so?

You're only saying this now after 14 years of an unhappy marriage with nothing to show for. Would you still have held the same opinion if this lady was in her first 5 years of marriage?

I'm lost.

Did I miss something in the story that alludes to this lady not working because she wasn't able to think about anything else other then securing a white collar job? What's your fixation with women in "white collar jobs"?

Now you're going directly against what you've been preaching:

Why're you judging this woman now?

And you think after 14 years she still doesn't know whom she married?

When a woman is married to a man who is selfish and unbothered,i don't see why a woman like this will even consider staying at home,honestly.It is all about contentment. You don't even have to beg for sanitary towel if you are in a fulfilled marriage.

Tut, tut.

Now you diss the Nigerian educational system. A bit generalistic, no?

And let me get a little bit personal here. I'm a Nigerian graduate and I know how to write a job application letter, plus I believe I know quite a lot about what I studied back there.

PresVA:
Lol, funny.... how you get treated as a housewife isn't dependent on where you live... depends on the kinda husband you have....
Also depends on the value the woman places on herself, that you're a housewife doesn't mean you shouldn't have plans for your life...
People become (temporary) 'housewives' for many reasons. .

Anyone can be ill-treated irrespective of location. ..

PresVA:
Lol, funny.... how you get treated as a housewife isn't dependent on where you live... depends on the kinda husband you have....
Also depends on the value the woman places on herself, that you're a housewife doesn't mean you shouldn't have plans for your life...
People become (temporary) 'housewives' for many reasons. .

Anyone can be ill-treated irrespective of location. ..

EfemenaXY:


Agreed.

And that's why a plan B should always be in place. A safety net. There's no harm in a woman looking out for herself and her kids, should the unimaginable happen.

People change. Life happens.

edwife:


Then what are we doing here? How many women in Nigeria are married to man with non-supportive view?

edwife:
Yes not many women are stay at home by choice, lack of jobs is the major factor in most cases.
I didn't say not everyone is cut out for white collar job, most of the excuses people give is that after staying home for long who is going to employ you? And majority of graduate in Nigeria think that the only job they can do is office job because of the certificate they hold. That is why i said, it doesn't have to be a white collar job, anything is acceptable.Go back to my discussions with byvan.

edwife:
So if the couple were late starters with young kids, how do you know if she wasn't working before that? What was she a housewife for? And nope, i didn't say a woman should stay home till the kids are of secondary school age, stop putting words on my mouth, i said of school age and when i said of school age, it means nursery.Go back to my conversations with byvan again.

edwife:
How do you know? Do you know if she has been saving? Did she tell you that? The fact that she's putting up with friends or wanting to come back to her lunatic husband doesn't mean that she doesn't have anything to her name, after all the banker that just died, wasn't she working?

edwife:
Then hear it now, housewife gets levels. A woman married to a millionaire is different to a woman married to a 18k salary guy. A woman who receive 100 to 200k allowance is very different to the one who receives 10k. This is the level.

edwife:
You started generalising and i gave you an example.Who forced them? And how their decision to remain in destitution the problem of housewife in general? In my post, i said as long as it is their decision or joint decision not forced.

edwife:
I had to personalised because you generalised.You asked for my opinion on this story based on my previous post which you brought your sanitary towels theory otherwise byvan wouldn't have post this:

edwife:
Yes i would have, didn't you say unhappy marriage? Will we have been here if she was in a happy marriage?

edwife:
Don't be lost, I was only giving a scenario here which is more common among graduates, who believe they can't do any other thing except work for what they have studied, just like you alluded she must have been begging her husband for sanitary towel for 14 years.

edwife:
You called me to give my opinion, i didn't go straight to her and say why are you staying at home for 14 years? I din't judge her for being a housewife, for what she wants to do by bringing the little girl in order for her to save her marriage.

edwife:
Then she is enjoying it and i wasn't referring to her 14 years old marriage but the fact that she was a housewife to a stingy man who according to you was forced to beg for sanitary towel.

edwife:
Well i said this because many were emphasising about her being a graduate, and in Nigeria, not all graduate are really graduate and for the record i said some, i didn't generalised unlike you who generalised that all housewives in Nigeria beg for sanitary towels.

EfemenaXY:



1000+ Likes!

You couldn't have said it any better.

Kimoni:
Efemenaxy, why are you pushing edwife's buttons naa lol

Back to the story, I think the problem has to do more with this woman's character and less of the fact that she is a stay at home mum although being a SAHM may have contributed to her inherent weakness. Like the husband rightly said, she was the type that never talked back, or took any decisions in the home, so why is she starting now? Hence, he would rather nip things in the bud than allow matters to get out of hand. And I am sure there are several working women out there who also run their marriage like this. They have no input on how the home is run. The husband dictates everything in the home, including how her income is spent; her income does nothing to empower her, it empowers the husband more instead. It's a slave-master type of relationship.

So my advice to women is not to start what they can't finish. Don't be a dummy wife in the beginning and hope to be independent later. It will most likely not work. I know a lot of SAHMs whose husbands will not sleep at home for months if they dare to impregnate the maid. For the OP's friend, the husband has already sent her packing, so she might as well dust her certificate and horn her skills. It's never too late to take back control of one's life. But if she wants to continue being the dummy wife, she should apologize and bring home a more beautiful maid for the husband. I guess the old maid has run her course in the house.

Lastly, like mindfulness said, it's always better that a woman works and earns her own money, at least on the long term. Or have some sort of fall-back plan such as savings, insurance etc The question we should all ask ourselves as women is - if anything happens to my husband's income today, can I single-handedly maintain the living standards we are presently enjoying for a period of time or do I resort to begging almost immediately? Women should always think about tomorrow when making some of these decisions/sacrifices in the home.

Kimoni:
Efemenaxy, why are you pushing edwife's buttons naa lol

Back to the story, I think the problem has to do more with this woman's character and less of the fact that she is a stay at home mum although being a SAHM may have contributed to her inherent weakness. Like the husband rightly said, she was the type that never talked back, or took any decisions in the home, so why is she starting now? Hence, he would rather nip things in the bud than allow matters to get out of hand. And I am sure there are several working women out there who also run their marriage like this. They have no input on how the home is run. The husband dictates everything in the home, including how her income is spent; her income does nothing to empower her, it empowers the husband more instead. It's a slave-master type of relationship.

So my advice to women is not to start what they can't finish. Don't be a dummy wife in the beginning and hope to be independent later. It will most likely not work. I know a lot of SAHMs whose husbands will not sleep at home for months if they dare to impregnate the maid. For the OP's friend, the husband has already sent her packing, so she might as well dust her certificate and horn her skills. It's never too late to take back control of one's life. But if she wants to continue being the dummy wife, she should apologize and bring home a more beautiful maid for the husband. I guess the old maid has run her course in the house.

Lastly, like mindfulness said, it's always better that a woman works and earns her own money, at least on the long term. Or have some sort of fall-back plan such as savings, insurance etc The question we should all ask ourselves as women is - if anything happens to my husband's income today, can I single-handedly maintain the living standards we are presently enjoying for a period of time or do I resort to begging almost immediately? Women should always think about tomorrow when making some of these decisions/sacrifices in the home.

Kimoni:
https://www.nairaland.com/3131757/corpse-roseline-sougie-killed-husband

Efemenaxy, have you seen this story on front page?

She was the breadwinner o yet she allowed herself to be subjected to abuse over and over again till she met her death A a lot women don't have that mental strength to get up and act.

Kimoni:
https://www.nairaland.com/3131757/corpse-roseline-sougie-killed-husband

Efemenaxy, have you seen this story on front page?

She was the breadwinner o yet she allowed herself to be subjected to abuse over and over again till she met her death A a lot women don't have that mental strength to get up and act.

EfemenaXY:


Again, several Likes for this.
You totally get my angle.
Infact, I agree with your post.
And yes, I intend to push Ed's buttons today. It's been a looooooong while coming.

Cutehector:
not in my dictionary.. the innocent has ta be freed from the criminal!

EfemenaXY:




4 kids, 1 eye, prayer key....LMAO!!!







Chei!

Mindfulness:


Thanks to statements such as:

'God hates divorce.'

Mindfulness:
'Nobody will want you anymore.'

Mindfulness:
'Your children will suffer if you divorce their father.'

Mindfulness:
'A woman without a husband cannot be fulfilled and will cry herself to sleep at night.'

Nonsense!

Kimoni:


Your love for Edwife no be today naa, I know that already

@edwife, lucky you. I wish I had someone who loves me this much

EfemenaXY:


Again, several Likes for this.

You totally get my angle.

Infact, I agree with your post.

And yes, I intend to push Ed's buttons today. It's been a looooooong while coming.

EfemenaXY:


Yes, I've just read it.

And the story also says she was dissuaded by family members from divorcing him 2 years ago. So yes, another "righteous" but dead Mrs.

Mindfulness:


Thanks to statements such as:

'God hates divorce.'

'Nobody will want you anymore.'

'Your children will suffer if you divorce their father.'

'A woman without a husband cannot be fulfilled and will cry herself to sleep at night.'

Nonsense!

EfemenaXY:


Mtcheew!



Mtcheew!! Mtcheew!!



Mtcheew!!! Mtcheew!!! Mtcheew!!!

Like they aren't suffering now she's six feet under?



Nonsense!



I would personally give him transportation money and a one-way ticket to take his sorry @rse far, far, away.

Like seriously?

EfemenaXY:


Agreed.

And that's why a plan B should always be in place. A safety net. There's no harm in a woman looking out for herself and her kids, should the unimaginable happen.

People change. Life happens.

Kimoni:


Lol...but God hates divorce naa, His wish is for us all to have a happy union but...

External parties need to stop forcing couples to stay in relationships because we didn't force them together. If a woman says she needs to leave because of what she has endured in the marriage, then let her leave and if she says she isn't tired of the marriage cuz she still loves the man and believes he will change, then by all means, stay.

Nobody should be forced to stay beyond their breaking point. The story says she didn't even scream when the violence was going on, she had probably lost it and was just waiting for the man to do his worst. And he did just that. Sad!

EfemenaXY
Let's answer your question with a question:
How many threads do we have opened here about women in happy marriages with supportive husbands, versus women in unhappy marriages with unsupportive husbands?

No, I won't go back to your discussions with Byvan03. I don't have to. A lot of threads opened by women looking for work aren't based on "white collar jobs" only. Come to think of it, I've never seen anyone male or female for that matter saying, "I graduated from xyz with ABC qualifications and will only do ABC type of work." Since you strongly believe that such people think along these lines, can you provide me with a few links to such threads on NL? Additionally, there's hardly any thread that hasn't got people advising those looking for employment to take up anything including the famous, "set up a shop" or "run your small business from home". So I ask again where you get your assumptions from?

The story is about her life post marriage, not pre-marriage. Assuming she was working prior to getting married, her circumstances were obviously different - but what's your point though? What's her pre-married life got to do with her situation post marriage?

Just because she's been married for 14 years doesn't automatically imply that they started having kids immediately they tied the knot. For all we know, the couple could have been late starters with very young kids in tow right now

And what makes you think she's saved a kobo to her name? Okay, let's assume she's got some savings. Why then would she want to go back there after being beaten up with a damaged eye to show for? Hasn't what she's saved enough to sustain her and her four kids, get herself some sort of accommodation, with some leftover to start up a business / search for work?

And what's the ratio millionaire housewives receiving 100 - 200k allowance to those married to 18k men receiving 10k allowance? Is the ratio disproportionate or grossly disproportionate in a country like Nigeria, on the edge of a recession? Tell me.

Just because you think I generalized doesn't mean that's true. I argued for both sides and I've countless times I've seen the pros and cons. This is just one of the scenarios and yes, I believe this woman has got absolutely nothing to her name after 14 years of marriage with nothing (apart from her kids) to show for. You know it too, hence your calling her "dummy, senseless, etc". Abi?

Why does the sanitary towels bit seem to get to you so much? Would it have made any difference if I said such women go cap in hand, begging for soup money and pocket money? Does it matter which specific item they ask for? The underlying principle is the same, which is, since they don't earn, they are 100% reliant on the man for EVERYTHING. Begging for weaveon money doesn't make it anymore dignifying than begging for money to purchase sanitary towels. Begging is begging, irrespective of what is begged for.

Do you by any chance, think her not working could be one of the causes of her being unhappy in that marriage?

Redundant points, both of which have already been addressed. Reiterating what's been said doesn't add weight to the argument.

No? Then why call her unprintable names like "senseless", "dummy", cast asperations on her educational background / qualifications?

And more importantly, why d'you think she's going to such desperate measures to save her marriage? Especially if she's got a safety net / nest egg?

She's forced to beg for everything! She's got zero income and fully reliant on the man. She can't even raise her voice.

Really?

Prove it.

EfemenaXY:


Again, several Likes for this.

You totally get my angle.

Infact, I agree with your post.

And yes, I intend to push Ed's buttons today. It's been a looooooong while coming.

TheArchangel:
The thesis writers are here.

How do you people manage to write all this long epistles?

Damn.

Mindfulness:


I believe that Edwife is right when she says that stay at home mothers need to be shown more respect. In fact, it is annoying that women have to justify their decisions all the time, whether they stay at home or decide to pursue their careers BUT what we shouldn't encourage is for women to bring children into this world without knowing how to take care of them in the case that anything doesn't go as planned. Now Edwife is located in a country that has established a support system for people in need. This is non-existent in Nigeria and yet women decide to have plenty children, of which many suffer because their own parents are not able to take care of them.

Edwife, if anything had gone wrong in your family (God forbid), you would have at least be granted minimal support that would ensure your survival and that of your children. It is a different story for women in Nigeria. For the sake of all unborn and born children, let us not encourage people to have children before they have established a safety net that they can fall back on if problems show up.

Poverty is at the heart of this society's problems. Even in the West a middle-class family father is not able to ensure a good living standard for a family with four children so most mothers resume work as soon as possible. Either have fewer kids or make more money. Most people are not part of the upper class and cannot afford it to have only person making money.
There is nothing idealistic about it, it is all about calculus and pragmatism.

Kimoni:


Your love for Edwife no be today naa, I know that already

@edwife, lucky you. I wish I had someone who loves me this much