Atk1nson:


So the husband's money is for the family and her own money (even though she admits she earns more) is "HER savings". Anyway I don't blame her, I blame the man who went to see his in-laws and they were asking him how much he earns to know if he is capable of "taking care" of their daughter and he still went ahead with such marriage.

I'm absolving the man of blame, but the husband has come to the realisation that she is keeping "HER money" and doesn't want to spend his either. Both parties are wrong but Op still insists that since she "intended" to disclose it at some future date, hence she is right while the man is wrong. Whatever agreement the man initially had with her was likely based on trust, following the discovery that his wife has is keeping an undisclosed sum somewhere, that trust has been eroded. You can't come and be planning how you will spend my money while you've stashed some away with a plan to tell me at a date u like.

The Op definitely has not earned the man's trust and does not deserve it based on her submissions here. I can't say for the husband because I haven't heard his side of the story.

Are you doing this on purpose?
Reading your post just gave me a splitting headache. And quoting me gave me the hives. If you really really read every post on this thread and still spewed out these comments, then I must say you are out of this world. And this is me putting it mildly and being extremely polite.

@ thotianna baby,Onegai has said it all. Personally I wish you will take her first option, so I can sit back in a year's time and watch our 'wise' men tear you into pieces.

thotianna:


First of all, can you honestly say that when your daughter wants to get married you will not show any concern towards her husbands ability to provide for his family? Answer that question truthfully to yourself.

Second of all what do you mean 'I cannot come and go and be spending your money'? When did it become a crime for men to provide for their wives? Or because she works it now implies that the man is absolved of financial responsibilities?

I believe in traditional marriage roles, the husband is the provider and wife takes care of house and children and besides we AGREED on those roles before marriage. I still have sense to save money for the future because I know anything can happen to his money tomorrow (God forbid) or he might lose his job. I saved that money for eventualities because nobody knows tomorrow, I just realized after reading through the submissions here that I was wrong. I am supposed to spend everything and save nothing in order to be a good wife.

When I met my financee parents' they asked what I did for a living and what my plans are. It seem condescending to ask how much I earn, I will definitely not answer that (my opinion), I will also not ask my daughter(s) (if I do have any) suitors such questions.

Secondly, gone are the days when women were full time housewives, most women now work, some even earn better than their husbands (as in your case). It's only fair to me that we pool our resources together and decide how to use it in the interest of the family, I find it strange that some people here find that unfair. I'm not saying you should squander your savings, I'm only saying you should see it as "OUR savings" and understand he has a say in what you do with it as much as you also have in his income.

I still maintain that it isn't unreasonable that any prior cost sharing arrangement become invalidated when information about some money ("YOUR money" as you seem to keep referring to it) you hid comes to light. Your husband may be acting immature, but I don't think you did well either.

Atk1nson:


Secondly, gone are the days when women were full time housewives, most women now work, some even earn better than their husbands (as in your case). It's only fair to me that we pool our resources together and decide how to use it in the interest of the family, I find it strange that some people here find that unfair. I'm not saying you should squander your savings, I'm only saying you should see it as "OUR savings" and understand he has a say in what you do with it as much as you also have in his income.
.

Thanks.
Since we should pool our resources together and contribute equally financially do you also agree that I am right to expect him to perform the same housework I perform? Should he participate equally in cooking meals and taking care of children and cleaning the house?
Like this week I cook for the family then next week he does the cooking. Or I clean the bathroom today then he does it next time it needs cleaning. Am I right to also expect this?

Please I want to know your opinion on this.

thotianna:


Thanks.
Since we should pool our resources together and contribute equally financially do you also agree that I am right to expect him to perform the same housework I perform? Should he participate equally in cooking meals and taking care of children and cleaning the house?
Like this week I cook for the family then next week he does the cooking. Or I clean the bathroom today then he does it next time it needs cleaning. Am I right to also expect this?

Please I want to know your opinion on this.

Even in gay/lesbian relationships, one person assumes position as the head. And it is not necessarily the person that earns more. So if you contribute more financially to the family, the your husband should become subservient. I'm young in my understanding of relationship, a more elderly person may give you a better perspective, but be wary of the feminist pushing funny ideas into your heads.

Timbuktuo:
Hahahahhahaha. Now, you're talking. You cannot make this up.

Just in case it does go this way, let me be the first to say, "Ramdeuter told you so."

Lol. I knew where this was heading and what was on her mind from the very first post, I just helped her to spill the bean

OP, no need continuing in this marriage, take your money out and go live separately. Better divorce in yr1, than in yr 4 or yr9

If you want the traditional role, then you shouldnt leave the house to work, Your husband wakes up you are already awake sweeping, the moment he wakes his warm water is in the bath, before he finish bathing the food is ready and you stay at home all day cleaning the house and taking care of kids

You cant live a modern lifestyle on one side and want a traditional role on another side within a marriage. The best way to get that is to divorce and live your dream

raumdeuter:


Lol. I knew where this was heading and what was on her mind from the very first post, I just helped her to spill the bean

OP, no need continuing in this marriage, take your money out and go live separately. Better divorce in yr1, than in yr 4 or yr9

If you want the traditional role, then you shouldnt leave the house to work, Your husband wakes up you are already awake sweeping, the moment he wakes his warm water is in the bath, before he finish bathing the food is ready and you stay at home all day cleaning the house and taking care of kids

You cant live a modern lifestyle on one side and want a traditional role on another side within a marriage. The best way to get that is to divorce and live your dream

Oh please!
Even in the seventies and eighties women who played traditional roles also had their own sources of income and jobs outside the house.
My grandmother was a typical village wife but she had her own farm and sold the produce to make money. Traditional roles doesn't mean I should sit on my arse all day doing nothing thank you very much.

thotianna:
Oh please!
Even in the seventies and eighties women who played traditional roles also had their own sources of income and jobs outside the house.
My grandmother was a typical village wife but she had her own farm and sold the produce to make money. Traditional roles doesn't mean I should sit on my arse all day doing nothing thank you very much.

Your grandmothers traditional role is first to take care of her husband and house first its when she has completed that, that she can go into her side hustle

So the best way to achieve all you want is to live on your own. and not be accountable to anyone

raumdeuter:

Your grandmothers traditional role is first to take care of her husband and house first its when she has completed that, that she can go into her side hustle
So the best way to achieve all you want is to live on your own. and not be accountable to anyone

I can balance everything perfectly well thank you very much. Traditional roles does not eliminate risks of bankruptcy which any sane woman would want to take precautions against by having backup funds on her part.

worry359:
You should feel proud that your wife has a cash reserve.
It is NOT your cash, you do not own her and all her property.

What it may show is that she is careful but you are a spendaholic and are not to be trusted with money.

But i always failed to understand this type of reasoning or mindset when it comes to who owns what when discussing husband and wife issues of this nature. To me, I belief that whatever the husband owns rightfully without any ambiguity belongs to the wife and whatever the wife owns also without ambiguity belongs to the husband. Hiding any material asset or money from your husband or from your wife is not what ought to be.
If the husband dies today, who becomes the legal owner of the properties he left behind...or if the wife dies before the husband, who owns whatever she left behind?

from day 1, i have made it very clear to my wife...no such thing as my own or your own in the family i'm building with her. I never hide anything from her and i know she doesn't too. In fact, she has all my ATM and i have since made her a signatory to all my accounts.

Any day I found out anything contrary to this arrangement would automatically end the union without option of explanation.

thotianna:


I can balance everything perfectly well thank you very much. Traditional roles does not eliminate risks of bankruptcy which any sane woman would want to take precautions against by having backup funds on her part.

You are gone the very day i found out you keep money or any asset away from my knowledge. It portrayed you as a liar.

AyeMoJuba:

You are gone the very day i found out you keep money or any asset away from my knowledge. It portrayed you as a liar.

So why are you taking the thread personal and getting insulting?

And what about my husband that is still hiding his money?

thotianna:


So why are you taking the thread personal and getting insulting?

And what about my husband that is still hiding his money?

Nothing is insulting about my post Ma...and you didn't mention it in your first post that he is hiding money from you

AyeMoJuba:


Nothing is insulting about my post Ma...and you didn't mention it in your first post that he is hiding money from you

Potrayed me as a liar was an insult and opening post was not enough to draw conclusion. Others asked questions after reading opening post to understand the situation better before deciding how to judge me.

AyeMoJuba:


Nothing is insulting about my post Ma...and you didn't mention it in your first post that he is hiding money from you

Maybe if you had gone through all the posts on this thread, you wouldn't have made this mistake. And yes, you insulted and misjudged her.

thotianna:


Potrayed me as a liar was an insult and opening post was not enough to draw conclusion. Others asked questions after reading opening post to understand the situation better before deciding how to judge me.

No intention to sound insulting.
I think the fact that he hides money from you is critical to the issue you raised and it ought to have being stated in the opening post to avoid erroneous judgement.

raumdeuter:


Lol. I knew where this was heading and what was on her mind from the very first post, I just helped her to spill the bean

OP, no need continuing in this marriage, take your money out and go live separately. Better divorce in yr1, than in yr 4 or yr9

If you want the traditional role, then you shouldnt leave the house to work, Your husband wakes up you are already awake sweeping, the moment he wakes his warm water is in the bath, before he finish bathing the food is ready and you stay at home all day cleaning the house and taking care of kids

You cant live a modern lifestyle on one side and want a traditional role on another side within a marriage. The best way to get that is to divorce and live your dream

I thought I was dreaming when I saw that, but then again, human nature hardly surprises me anymore. I just love it when people hear what they want and go with their gut feeling. I wonder what the minimum wage limit for the next husband will be.

My dear, there were a few things that I read between the lines.

Firstly when a man is stripped of his ego, he fights back in any way possible, and these ways may be damaging because he is not thinking of the consequences at that point.

The first mistake was made when he was made to explain to your parents how he intended looking after you and having to put a figure on it.
Parents do love us but sometimes they overdo things. I am a parent too and I sometimes have to check myself to hands off certain things.

Your parents meant well , however you should have protected him (after all this is the man you chose to marry out of millions) and what you should have done was to be the middle person between them all.

If his own parents had insisted that you knew how to cook 100 dishes or they made you go for a fertility test before he was allowed to marry you and he agreed to this, you would have been pissed off too.

Secondly I don’t think that your husband earns anywhere near the 120k that he claimed he earns, that’s why he is cagey about his finances and that explains why he is upset that you have money that you have not disclosed to him.

This is a new marriage and you can’t afford to get the foundation & early years muddied as this is what will set the tone for the rest of the marriage.

My advice to you; work with him.
You both need to put egos aside. Egos do not build a marriage, they break and damage them.
Go to him and explain to him how the money came about and apologise for not letting him know about it.
Explain to him the reasons why you need to save the money and why it is not a good idea to spend it.
Ask him directly how much he earns and ask him if he needs help financially and how you can both go about sorting finances out.
Reach out to him.

You also need to let him be the man, I note that you say you look after yourself and you share bills 50:50.
That sounds rather clinical to me.
Give him an opportunity to let him spoil you and you be appreciative to him even if he buys you N50 nail polish. Even if you can afford N5,000 nail polish.
He who buys N50 nail polish and you appreciate will one day buy you a Range

Also wash your mouth out of the “let it end in divorce” statements. It’s too early and it affects mind-set and will affect your will to make it work.

Sis marriage is sweet but If only both parties are totally committed to making it work.

Unfortunately your husband is not here, so cant advise him
Hopefully someone close to him will do that.

Wishing you both all the best.

AyeMoJuba:


You are gone the very day i found out you keep money or any asset away from my knowledge. It portrayed you as a liar.

Stop comparing your relationship with your wife to that if the OPs. You've been transparent with your finances to your wife, and you expect the same. To whom much is given, much is expected. The OPs husband on the other hand hasn't been transparent, and even goes to the extent of deleting bank alerts on his phone . So why expect her to be open with her own finances?
Some relationships can still function without either partners knowing each other's earnings, however it's more efficient if both know what the other earns so they can both plan how to sort out their finances jointly.

worry359:
You should feel proud that your wife has a cash reserve.
It is NOT your cash, you do not own her and all her property.

What it may show is that she is careful but you are a spendaholic and are not to be trusted with money.

spot on. So spot on. Bar man, give this guy 1 trailer origin

tearoses:
My dear, there were a few things that I read between the lines.

Firstly when a man is stripped of his ego, he fights back in any way possible, and these ways may be damaging because he is not thinking of the consequences at that point.

The first mistake was made when he was made to explain to your parents how he intended looking after you and having to put a figure on it.
Parents do love us but sometimes they overdo things. I am a parent too and I sometimes have to check myself to hands off certain things.

Your parents meant well , however you should have protected him (after all this is the man you chose to marry out of millions) and what you should have done was to be the middle person between them all.

If his own parents had insisted that you knew how to cook 100 dishes or they made you go for a fertility test before he was allowed to marry you and he agreed to this, you would have been pissed off too.

Secondly I don’t think that your husband earns anywhere near the 120k that he claimed he earns, that’s why he is cagey about his finances and that explains why he is upset that you have money that you have not disclosed to him.

This is a new marriage and you can’t afford to get the foundation & early years muddied as this is what will set the tone for the rest of the marriage.

My advice to you; work with him.
You both need to put egos aside. Egos do not build a marriage, they break and damage them.
Go to him and explain to him how the money came about and apologise for not letting him know about it.
Explain to him the reasons why you need to save the money and why it is not a good idea to spend it.
Ask him directly how much he earns and ask him if he needs help financially and how you can both go about sorting finances out.
Reach out to him.

You also need to let him be the man, I note that you say you look after yourself and you 50:50 bills. That sounds rather clinical to me.
Give him an opportunity to let him spoil you and you be appreciative to him even if he buys you N50 nail polish. Even if you can afford N5,000 nail polish.
He who buys N50 nail polish and you appreciate will one day buy you a Range 

Also wash your mouth out of the “let it end in divorce” statements. It’s too early and it affects mind-set and will affect your will to make it work.

Sis marriage is sweet but If only both parties are totally committed to making it work.

Unfortunately your husband is not here, so cant advise him
Hopefully someone close to him will do that.

Wishing you both all the best.

Lé sigh. FINALLY

I had honestly resigned myself to only reading the mostly unbelievable comments on this thread so far. My opinion was it's either this woman wasn't really married and just came here to kill boredom OR she is married,is tired of the marriage, and desperately wants out.

Atk1nson:


Even in gay/lesbian relationships, one person assumes position as the head. And it is not necessarily the person that earns more. So if you contribute more financially to the family, the your husband should become subservient. I'm young in my understanding of relationship, a more elderly person may give you a better perspective, but be wary of the feminist pushing funny ideas into your heads.

But why do most people feel its subservient for a man to Cook and clean a place where he eats and sleeps? This is 2016....
Even if the man is the sole financial provider in his home, there's nothing wrong or subservient or emasculating about that.
Everyman (male and female) should know how to cook, and clean. Those are like basic needs that should be met. Why live in a dirty house? Or starve when you've got food stuff?
Why do you need anyone to wait hand and foot on you? Can't you live decently without a woman or maid in your home? ( These are rhetorical questions, not directed at you but everyone).
Nigerians cannot seem to live without a maid in the home or a MIL for omugwo, but when they get abroad where nobody sends them they joyfully do these things unassisted with the men helping with the new baby, and household chores.
But then again, life may be more difficult where everything is done manually with no washing machine, dishwasher, no water etc but that still shouldn't be an excuse not to clean up after one's mess na.

Onegai:
Okay, thotianna, you have 2 options:

1. Spend your savings. Even though you have constantly said you contribute to the family expenditure from your salary and this is your savings, there are too many deaf people hearing the sound of their own stvpidity to actually listen. So spend away my darling! Next year, hopefully when you are broke, come back to NL. You are a wife and mother, congratulations, you qualify for the Family Section Desperate People Association. Use this your moniker to open the thread "we are about to die, hunger, God, mother, baby, last N100, help us" as keywords. I will personally find every single person that encouraged you to spend and hound them till they either send you money or deactivate and use their 9 other monikers on NL.
.

Thanks, this part made me really laugh.

Your posts have been a breath of fresh air to me.

eyinjuege:


But why do most people feel its subservient for a man to Cook and clean a place where he eats and sleeps? This is 2016....
Even if the man is the sole financial provider in his home, there's nothing wrong or subservient or emasculating about that.
Everyman (male and female) should know how to cook, and clean. Those are like basic needs that should be met. Why live in a dirty house? Or starve when you've got food stuff?
Why do you need anyone to wait hand and foot on you? Can't you live decently without a woman or maid in your home? ( These are rhetorical questions, not directed at you but everyone).

I don't understand it myself. I cannot wrap my head around how cleaning ones own mess is now equal to being subservient.
Me I don't claim superiority when I assist him with finances.

whaooo, cant believe i have jotted out two and half pages of notes from this forum, really helpful alot, really learnt alot from pros and cons of this topic, would use it for serious financial discussion when the need arise...


seriously, have learnt alot, and would do the OP good if she can pick up some good points out of here, leaving out the bad ones, like divorce, cos the marriage is just too young for this, and please try to erase that option from your mind, and stop saying it, cos you eventually become what you think and say about....


keep the advises rolling in, while i keep on taking solid notes...

Op, please drop the ego that you are capable of being independent, it could pose fear on your husband, please this is marriage , is an eye opener, now you can really see and know who your husband is truly, and try submit to him as well, men doesnt like any woman to brag on them even when she has millions in her account, thats men for you ooo, so try submission, and see how it works out.. i also have a long term savings I have at the moment, but plans to start my marriage expenses on my monthly income from the month i get married, while my hard earned savings as a single lady, i would discuss with my husband and set it apart for project, not for food at all # my opinion

thotianna:




Thanks, this part made me really laugh.

Your posts have been a breath of fresh air to me.

Good thing you're smiling. Now, start from this weekend: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I feel you haven't been open with me as well. We both need to work on this together, how much do we have together, what are our family financial goals..."

It is posts like This that makes me realize that Nigerian women are not ready for Gender equality.

Imagine your parents educated you then started asking man to " Take care of you "

You too got into a marriage taking it as a financial plan so the man will be suffering and sweating with N120000 in this economy having zero savings while you are stashing your money.

What the heck do young intending couples talk about? Financial education and black and white financial blue print saves 80 percent of marital problems.

Go and sit with your husband on excel do an expense sheet and income sheet then plan how to share bills and save either together or jointly.

He cannot be suffering like a goat to pay all bills while you are stashing away your own money that is a silly mentality and shameful too in 2016.

Eketem:


Go and sit with your husband on excel do an expense sheet and income sheet then plan how to share bills and save either together or jointly.

He cannot be suffering like a goat to pay all bills while you are stashing away your own money that is a silly mentality and shameful too in 2016.

She has said several times, she pays for household bills and takes care of upto 50% of household expenditure regularly, stating as an example that she paid for all their groceries last month.

Onegai:


She has said several times, she pays for household bills and takes care of upto 50% of household expenditure regularly, stating as an example that she paid for all their groceries last month.

Read my post I said they need to financially plan together instead of this buying food by chance routine. Let everyone know what they are responsible for, she has stated several times here that she wants to be a traditional wife where he provides and she stashes, they both need to live within a budget and have savings.

If you can have unprotected se-x why the heck won't you be financially honest

Eketem:
Read my post I said they need to financially plan together instead of this buying food by chance routine. Let everyone know what they are responsible for, she has stated several times here that she wants to be a traditional wife where he provides and she stashes, they both need to live within a budget and have savings.

If you can have unprotected se-x why the heck won't you be financially honest

Rent is the biggest expense in a house, How is it handled

One party cant pay rent for 2m and you buy groceries for 50K and say you are splitting expenses

Eketem:



Read my post I said they need to financially plan together instead of this buying food by chance routine. Let everyone know what they are responsible for, she has stated several times here that she wants to be a traditional wife where he provides and she stashes, they both need to live within a budget and have savings.

If you can have unprotected se-x why the heck won't you be financially honest

Yes they do, and they should have a Joint savings plan. But it would be unwise to pool ALL their resources into one Joint account. I have seen examples of that concept failing badly and even my FiL will not allow us do it. Because there are repercussions in the future. The best idea is to have a Joint Savings and Joint Checking, contribute to them, pay bills out of the checking and have their separate individual savings, no matter how little.

raumdeuter:


Rent is the biggest expense in a house, How is it handled

One party cant pay rent for 2m and you buy groceries for 50K and say you are splitting expenses

Bless you. He paid two year rent advance and she hasn't bothered to ask how they will make rent but she is shouting 50-50

raumdeuter:


Rent is the biggest expense in a house, How is it handled

One party cant pay rent for 2m and you buy groceries for 50K and say you are splitting expenses

Bless you. He paid two year rent advance and she hasn't bothered to ask how they will make rent but she is shouting 50-50

Onegai:

Yes they do, and they should have a Joint savings plan. But it would be unwise to pool ALL their resources into one Joint account. I have seen examples of that concept failing badly and even my FiL will not allow us do it. Because there are repercussions in the future. The best idea is to have a Joint Savings and Joint Checking, contribute to them, pay bills out of the checking and have their separate individual savings, no matter how little.

Again read my post I said joint or separate savings but they need to run their household and pull resources g
Together first