thotianna:


Thanks. I will find time to have a very serious discussion about our finances.
I will insist he tells me and if he doesn't I will not spend out of my money because I assume he has a lot that's why he is hiding it.

As for the savings, I have been saving that money since university even before I met him, I am going to invest it how I like. Even if I still spend from my salary on the house, I will not touch that savings. It will be kept away for a rainy day.

thotianna:


We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me

thotianna:
It wasn't a struggle.

The wife just happened to be richer than the husband and he found out about her money.

How would you feel as a guy if you were in the husbands shoes?

sunvick:
I will feel so betrayed. If you can hide such from me, then there are more you are hiding. It also shows that there is trust issues in the family.

Jaygrl:
Did you understand the OP at all Her husband hasn't given them room to discuss about their finances. He doesn't want her to know how much he has,so why should she let him know how much she has in the bank? My marriage is also less than 1yr,my husband and I have never discussed my money,he asks for list of stuffs we need at home at the end of the month and gives me the money,he gives me money to make my hair e.t.c. Recently we are searching for a bigger apartment,the ones we have seen so far are quite beyond his budget, I volunteered to complete the money and he refused saying it is his duty to take care of me. He says always that I should save my money for our future...lol. Some men are not interested in however their wives decide to spend their money,he made a promise to her family to take care of her,that he should fulfill not minding how much she has in the bank.

Berbierklaus:

[b]Please be wise in this end time sister,First of all you shouldn't have allowed him realize you are richer than him,since he didn't know before hand,that's where insecurities starts,watch how he will soon start questioning your movement and suspecting you of infidelity.

Now that he has known,its a dicey situation and you have to be wise,invest your money 'in your name', build houses 'in your name',sister things are happening.

Now that he knows you have money,you have no choice but to contribute a quota to the family upkeep,I'd advice you do it in moderation,because anytime you show signs that you are capable of taking up the whole responsibilities,be ready to do that for the rest of your life....Why would he suddenly start complaining about fending for his family after he discovered you have money,sister that Is a trait of gigoloism. He will soon bring business proposal,a land to buy etc,I hope you will be able to handle it when it starts.


In everything please seek financial advice from professionals before handing out your money(you worked for it even before he married you,so its yours)When loving and becoming a good wife,be wise remember we are in the end time[/b]

Jaygrl:
Did you understand the OP at all Her husband hasn't given them room to discuss about their finances. He doesn't want her to know how much he has,so why should she let him know how much she has in the bank? My marriage is also less than 1yr,my husband and I have never discussed my money,he asks for list of stuffs we need at home at the end of the month and gives me the money,he gives me money to make my hair e.t.c. Recently we are searching for a bigger apartment,the ones we have seen so far are quite beyond his budget, I volunteered to complete the money and he refused saying it is his duty to take care of me. He says always that I should save my money for our future...lol. Some men are not interested in however their wives decide to spend their money,he made a promise to her family to take care of her,that he should fulfill not minding how much she has in the bank.

thotianna:


Thanks. This sounds very intelligent.

Imagine people telling me I was wrong to hide the money when our initial agreement was that he would be in charge of finances in our household and I also added that he was not struggling to support us.

Yet am wrong to keep my money to myself. I must spend it on our house. If I demand that he enters the kitchen to prepare dinner those days when I am too tired to do so the same people will start shouting about traditional gender roles.


Mtsheew

thotianna:


Thank you my dear.

Isn't this how it should be?
With the husband going out to fend for daily bread while the wife takes care of house and children.

I have never seen a scenario where a woman is told that she must provide for the family whether she likes it or not.

Nobody tells men to cook or clean whether they like it or not.

I am not spending my savings. If worst comes to worst we end the marriage because this is oppression.

Timbuktuo:


But he knows how much you earn? Oh, wait, he doesn't know either. Which would explain his sudden attempts at research and interrogation. You do realise youre as guilty as he on financial secrecy, right? Right?

And they said love was all you needed when getting married. Madam, do you not love your husband again? Or is this what your brand of love demands?

thotianna:


Thanks. This sounds very intelligent.

Imagine people telling me I was wrong to hide the money when our initial agreement was that he would be in charge of finances in our household and I also added that he was not struggling to support us.

Yet am wrong to keep my money to myself. I must spend it on our house. If I demand that he enters the kitchen to prepare dinner those days when I am too tired to do so the same people will start shouting about traditional gender roles.


Mtsheew

thorpido:
No.
You're going about this the wrong way and you're starting to have a mindset that could affect your marriage.

Your husband wasn't open about his finances from the beginning and you also hid your money from him.You both are to blame here.Don't act like you are blameless.You chose to marry him even when there was some distrust.

You need to start to build that trust now.Have a discussion with him about this situation.He has seen you have some money somewhere.Let him know that money is kept for rainy days and don't be coaxed into spending it.However,chip in sometimes to house expenses.It's your house too.
I hope your husband can cooperate and be more open about his finances with you.Your marriage is still young and you need to steer it on the right path.

It's too early to think about separation or divorce.

*singing*where is the love....

sisisioge:


Babes, it appears you not only didn't know the man you married, you aren't a team player too. I don't see anything wrong in you chipping in when the chips are down though I strongly oppose the woman championing the bread. Whew, indeed no carry your savings eat food o. It is better you invest and help out in the house with proceeds. Pick some bills dear...you are a teammate...don't allow the team to fall.

By the way, if your bobo is one of those guys who wouldn't mind the woman championing the bread...hide the money further You be him helpmate not his mother!

fluxbush:
Nice one you have here.

Still,you missed some salient points. She contributes to household expenses from her salary. I am pretty sure her husband knows how much she earns. She explained they contribute 50-50. The bone of contention is her SAVINGS. Savings she's had since her college days,which he insists she spends.

From some comments above, I had to wonder if I read this story upside down. I don't understand how people will put ALL the blame on the lady while absolving the husband who should shoulder most of it. And when you try to correct them,they start chanting the feminism warcry. Well,this is nairaland,home to progressive women haters club.

Berbierklaus:

Ma'am you need to calm down.
I observed you and your husband did not have much level of understanding before getting married?
First of all you shouldn't compare your marriage/husband to others (that's a time bomb)
secondly,the love and commitment was not there initially,I'd advice you try to build it and see how it goes, what I mean is that,explain how the money came about to your husband,then tell him you will commit the money to him, then give him a part of it that you can part with and keep the rest,make it look like you have no money anymore, if he feels there is more,tell him people that saved it with you have collected their money, Then watch his next move ---That is testing what he really wants,then know your next move.
Lastly,please purge your mind of divorce,did you go into the marriage to divorce few years after? marriage is not relationship you can go in and out,forget about the conditions your parents gave to him,you are now a grown woman who should look after her affairs, come to an agreement with your husband,both of you are now one body,he probably agreed to their terms coz he was in a hurry to marry you.
God will see you through the first years of marriage it is usually rocky

unapapadeycraze:






you like marriage talk. Are you married?

thorpido:
Her husband can't make her spend that savings.It's not for him to insist.
If she contributes to household expenditure and buys gifts for him once in a while,then that's okay.
Op,just needs to find a way to get the husband to be more open about his finances.He says if she knows how much he has,she will start to demand.She should find a way to disabuse that mindset.

thorpido:
Her husband can't make her spend that savings.It's not for him to insist.
If she contributes to household expenditure and buys gifts for him once in a while,then that's okay.
Op,just needs to find a way to get the husband to be more open about his finances.He says if she knows how much he has,she will start to demand.She should find a way to disabuse that mindset.

sisisioge:


Yes, with four childrenes. My husband is a great man. My in-laws are wonderful people, our dog's name is Rudy. Any more questions? Enjoy buddy

Viking007:
[/b]
You can see the op is not willing to listen to any opposing view or take any blame whatsoever, gets all defensive when You don't support her "its Your money, invest it crew".

Instead she has chosen to listen to all these nairaland feminism activist. Oh well, wetin concern man pikin.

thotianna:


Imagine people telling me I was wrong to hide the money when our initial agreement was that he would be in charge of finances in our household and I also added that he was not struggling to support us

thotianna:

I am tired, if it gets too bad I will end the marriage.

Timbuktuo:


Look, I've come to realise people will do what they want and coming to nairaland for advice is mostly just look for an echo chamber She already has her mind made up and wants to be told she's right. Another aspect, though, is hubby also has his mind made up, and they both have divergent opinions on how their personal and family finances should be run. The interesting thing is to see how it all plays/works out in the end.

Some of the sistren have even cited the economy. Oshey, Buharinomics is now a potent alibi!!! . You really cannot make this up. One minute we are equal, the next, they are just housewives trying to save for a rainy day. This is hypocrisy gold.

fluxbush:
Nice one you have here.

Still,you missed some salient points. She contributes to household expenses from her salary. I am pretty sure her husband knows how much she earns. She explained they contribute 50-50. The bone of contention is her SAVINGS. Savings she's had since her college days,which he insists she spends.

From some comments above, I had to wonder if I read this story upside down. I don't understand how people will put ALL the blame on the lady while absolving the husband who should shoulder most of it. And when you try to correct them,they start chanting the feminism warcry. Well,this is nairaland,home to progressive women haters club.

PresVA:
I don't know how you run your home but I wouldn't hide my money/assets from my husband. ..

and if I find out my husband hid his money from me, I would be angry, not because of what the money would have provided for me but because he didn't trust me enough to let me into his savings/investments..

a good marriage should be partnership.

thotianna:


How else would I disabuse it?

I don't take money from him for anything personal, I know this sounds ridiculous but it's the truth. I buy my own clothes and personal effects, there is nothing in the house that we both make use of which I don't contribute to buying. Even last month I bought the bags of foodstuff we usually buy to use for the next month.
I don't demand anything from him, as God is my witness.

How on earth should I disabuse his mindset? How?
What else do I need to do?

I am tired, if it gets too bad I will end the marriage.

Atk1nson:

So the husband's money is for the family and her own money (even though she admits she earns more) is "HER savings". Anyway I don't blame her, I blame the man who went to see his in-laws and they were asking him how much he earns to know if he is capable of "taking care" of their daughter and he still went ahead with such marriage.
I'm absolving the man of blame, but the husband has come to the realisation that she is keeping "HER money" and doesn't want to spend his either. Both parties are wrong but Op still insists that since she "intended" to disclose it at some future date, hence she is right while the man is wrong. Whatever agreement the man initially had with her was likely based on trust, following the discovery that his wife has is keeping an undisclosed sum somewhere, that trust has been eroded. You can't come and be planning how you will spend my money while you've stashed some away with a plan to tell me at a date u like.

thotianna:


First of all, can you honestly say that when your daughter wants to get married you will not show any concern towards her husbands ability to provide for his family? Answer that question truthfully to yourself.

Second of all what do you mean 'I cannot come and go and be spending your money'? When did it become a crime for men to provide for their wives? Or because she works it now implies that the man is absolved of financial responsibilities?

I believe in traditional marriage roles, the husband is the provider and wife takes care of house and children and besides we AGREED on those roles before marriage.
I still have sense to save money for the future because I know anything can happen to his money tomorrow (God forbid) or he might lose his job. I saved that money for eventualities because nobody knows tomorrow,
(Lastly, please kindly change your friends or advisers. Note that eventuality happens to everyone no one is exempted).
I just realized after reading through the submissions here that I was wrong. I am supposed to spend everything and save nothing in order to be a good wife.

thotianna:
Assuming you found out your wife has a stash of cash somewhere that was enough to single handedly cater for you, herself and the family, would you resent her for not spending it on the family?
What if she said she wanted to save it instead, would you resent her for not spending it on you and the family instead?

This is actually about me and it happened between me and my hubby
Thanks for your honest opinions.