redcliff:
Two things are involved here.

1. Spiritual issue
2. physical issue

The spiritual issue is that the OP or his GF is either having spirit husband or wife whichever applies.
The physical issue is that OP is too immature and is not a man of himself. 1. for you to be 36 and you have not dated much.
Thank me later!

I grew up in the church and also a worker in the church. Dating is not encouraged.
Though, staying single still now was my choice as I was trying to build up my career and that of my younger ones.

tobaseye:


I grew up in the church and also a worker in the church. Dating is not encouraged.
Though, staying single still now was my choice as I was trying to build up my career and that of my younger ones.

I had always thought when it's time to get marriage I will just grab one of my close friends and get married to her. But I was wrong.

ladypearl45:
simple advice. seek the face of the lord
. change your current girlfriend to what you want her to be. and forget about your crush. she might not been well for you.



PS. this your church that is forcing to marry nawa oo

forget about physical look. go for the heart and character

No one is forcing marriage. I put her name forward to the marriage committee. I guess they are considering the age and trying to make it faster for us.

My brother.... Am 29, I av been into 5 serious relationship but married to my wonderful wife. The 5th Girl.

Of all I av dated and tasted, she is the less attractive of them all. When we became friends, she always admired my X's through my album but she never believed I can marry her because I happen to be ahead with wide gap...Social wise, Educational background, Family background.

One thing I love about her was her bn industrious and focused.

My X was messing up and I gave her red card, I started with my wife....shaped everything to suite my purpose and today we are happy moving with out lifestyle keeping God at topmost priority.

My brother I beg you, all that glitters are not gold. Shape her Tp suite ur purpose.

I started by Changing my wife's outfit despite that she runs a huge business solutions but believes in just saving and saving.

I proceeded to her Educational background and guided her, I offered to take her to sch weekends......

I then addressed the issue of having a mindset that my parents are educated and from an averagely comfortable family ahead of hers, I told her my parents would accept her.... then she met my parents accidentally and believe me, they had natural love above all the fair clean tall girls I always carry.

It doesn't take time my brother, I started d work in August 2015.....proposed to her 21st February 2016 and got married 24th December 2016. I shaped her my to my purpose within a year. Now I remain her World Best Man...,..And I love her naturally because she was the first girl that told me to stop wasting money on Laundry, Eateries, Irrelevant social outing and Newspapers which I get daily.

I started washing some myself, if we go to eatery she will only ask me to get drinks. Then stop me from driving to where I can easily use 100naira bus to achieve at a young age.

Brother, discover something different about her, redraft her to suite ur standard and purpose then leave the rest for God. If u eventually marry this girl pls let me know.

1 love bro

tobaseye:


No one is forcing marriage. I put her name forward to the marriage committee. I guess they are considering the age and trying to make it faster for us.

just seek the face of the lord

Btruth:
All I could see in all your story is that you are not in love with the other girl. And please, don't because of your church drag yourself into that marriage with the lady, so that both of you will not suffer for it.

Be a man. Take a break and re-search for another bird. My one pence though!

Be good.

Church is even the least. It's herself and her family is given me concerns.

babyface224:
but why propose wen ur having doubts..yes age is not by ur side but the truth is, its not ur age that will make ur marriage work, u need to be happy n frankly u should be honest with ur self...this marriage ish is not a days job..n for the new crush, maybe she has some personality deposition in her that you love...it might be infatuation..
so my advise is sit down n remember what made you to be attracted to ur gf in d first place...then u talk to her based on what u've reasoned out...but I beg of u if in any way u find out that ur still not happy n still not convinced to take the next step with her, pls jst walk away...

I was thinking I could make it works and also maybe because of distance and not having time together.

36?u never old Na maybe at 60 u go love her

Opakan2:
your case is similar to one married olosho here on Nairaland camouflaging as romance writer to do coded internet runs
They marry for marriage sake without proper counsel and consideration. They will now go about looking for young naive boys to take advantage of, even boys below 18yrs are not spared

@OP don't be like those ones in loveless marriages who hide secretly to call opposite sex at ungodly hours.. free the babe if you are not so attached, you'll surely meet new, cool ones

But your age sha.. it's far gone

The age things sha, it's a pity though. It now I 'm regretting it that I should have planned to get married 7 to 10 years ago because I was financially ok. Though was writing a professional exam that took most of my time too. I was working, doing my degree part time and when I got to 300 I added a professional exam. I was that busy no time for social life.

COvo:
You are 36 and you are letting a committee of old men and women and they call themselves "marriage committee".
Bros get sense and choose a lady you have feelings for and a lady that meets your specs.
It's not the marriage committee that'll live in thesame house with her.
Wait o,why will you propose to someone you haven't met or even dated,and you even waited for the marriage committee to give you permission to start dating.
This is so hilarious.
Which church be that abeg?
Bros choose your wife and don't give a Bleep about church marriage committee.

No committee is forcing me. I forwarded I name to them. Because I need to do that before I can contact her.

pressplay411:
I was going to say something but you're a church boy so go with your pastor.
You're only here cos what you want is at loggerheads with what the church wants for you.

Don't get it wrong. I was seeking for advice not because of the church but because of myself. Nobody in the church can force me to do again my wish not even my parents before I am old enough. But just for the girl and her family that I have brought to the scene. I hope they will forgive me.

tobaseye:
I live abroad at the moment, I will be 36yrs by May this year. I proposed to a lady I met some months before I left Nigeria in 2015, we did not have any contact while I was in Nigeria, and as at the time I proposed to her she had not met me in person because I did not approach her then. I asked someone to get me her contact while I was in abroad and contacted her thereafter. I involved the church because we both attend the same church, and one must seek the permission of the marriage committee of the church before approaching a lady in the church which I did before contacting her. We started chatting and asked her to send me her current pictures, because she hardly takes pictures and there were no current pictures of her on her Facebook wall. After I got some of her current pictures, I found out that her look does not attract me anymore but still continue chatting with her. But I encourage her to make good pictures and send to me.
After some month I was given the permission from the Church to propose to her, which I refused and told my Pastor and the marriage committee that am planning to go to Nigeria in some months to come that I will do that when I get to Nigeria, though I was persuaded to propose but I still maintained my stand that until I get to Nigeria before I will propose.
When I got to Nigeria I proposed to her after one week but told one of my close friend that the woman am about to get marriage to is not that attractive to me that I don't even feel the urge to call her phone, that I only forced myself to call her phone when I even manage to call her.
But with all these, I still go ahead to do parental consent in which I met her family and she also met my family. Thereafter, the church gave us the permission to commence courtship but we are yet to start the courtship.
She asked me not quite long why I delayed to propose to her and I told her that I just felt things are just going too fast.
The problem I have now is that, I met another lady before I left Nigeria. She is a family friend, she came with her siblings to visit my parents on the 1st of January and we talked for few minutes before she left. But that night I was restless and could not sleep because I didn’t take her contact. I was so troubled because I had just one week to leave Nigeria and I was not sure of seeing her again because I don't live with my parents, was just there for two days visit. I was supposed to leave my parent’s house the following day but I could not leave because I said I need to find a way of getting her contact. With the help of my mum I was able to get her house address and I visited her house uninvited. She was surprised to see me that morning we talked for some minutes, took her contact and take my leave. we have been chatting since then.
The problem is that I like this new lady so much but am afraid of hurting my girlfriend and the her family and I don't know what to do because I am of age, I have waited for so long, I want get it right and I want to enjoy my marriage. I don't want to cheat on my wife after marriage.
The relationship I have now is my first relationship, it is now about 7 months but my girlfriend just met me in person in December, just less than two month ago.
The relationship is first for two reasons; one is because my church does not encourage boyfriend and girlfriend relationship and two, some friends that I had asked out over some years now were in a serious relationship before I met them.
For the last 10 years I have only asked 3 girls out before my current girlfriend, two of which are my very close friends but were in serious relationship before I met them. The third one was not that close but she refused me said we can only be friends.
I don't even know if my new crush is even in a relationship too or not.
I need serious advice please!!!
Thanks.

Marry only someone you truly love and you know you are fully compatible with. Use your head and not your heart

My dear what are the things you do not like about her? It could be that you are looking at the wrong qualities instead of understanding who the girl is. Things happen for a reason. You sound like a very quiet type of person. You do not need a woman who would grow wing and mess you up later. There are reasons why your church chose that particular lady for you.

Vickiweezy:
Counselling charges: $50 per hour.

So, how long do you need my advice?

Yes it costs $50 for half hour actually and $100 for an hour.Better still, he could get it for free if he has health insurance.

It's very important that you marry someone that you have feelings for & always excited to see/talk to. Do not make the mistake of marrying someone because of what your church/pastor will say rather they will be happy you quickly inform this lady now that you are no longer interested than divorce in the future. I've been married for 23 yrs and am giving you the advise I'll give to my kids. If you want to be happily married then marry someone you're excited about & come home to. All I ask is that you inform this lady quickly if you are no longer interested, time is of the essence.

Let her know your mind, dont marry her out of pity biko! Cus as a yoruba adage would say "iyawo ti a ba fe, ni omo e n wun ni" meaning it is when you love a woman, that you can love her children. If u dont love her nd u go ahead to marry out of pity or cus of wat d society will say; i dont know how you can cherish the children she will born for you

My one cent!

Marriage is not by force. Looks can be deceiving except she is extremely ugly.

tobaseye:


That's why I have been bothered. I can claim to love her and still be having feeling for another girl. I can't love two people at the same time.

Bros, physical attraction is nothing but a facade, that not too attractive lady may be Olajumoke, unknown. Those people that recommended the guy loves you, so go on, marry her and enjoy marital bliz.

I understand what you are going through, I have a perfect understanding of your frustration , the same doctrine is in my church and its frustrating, yes very frustrating but my church is a good church, one doctrine that may be amended in the future won't make her a bad one. Pls listen attentively, I know your fear

i. You are scared of loosing the respect of your top pastors that see you as a responsible person, you see this is the problem I have with my church too, u can't date a lady without a letter, in most cases that right it in the letter, when u bring the letter just to start talking to a sister u won't be to withdraw it easily , they will tell u there are procedures. Everyone will start looking at u like your a bad person. I was there before, I will share my story later .

ii. You are scared of hurting the lady for real, since she may remain in that church and seeing u or hearing your marrying another lady while she still single will make u her enemy for life especially if u are the active type in church, that everybody loves, someone have already told her she's lucky to have such a serious brother, our spirituality or activeness in spiritual activities doesn't determine our emotional direction, you truly don't love her. Its not a sin, don't condemn yourself. I know your worried and you have blamed yourself for going to collect that letter that makes it difficult for u to walk out of a relationship that should still be at dating level but if u collect letter of introduction they will tell u , u have made up your mind to marry her before why did u change , how can u make up your mind to marry a sister u barely know, you have not been friends but like my church they don't give room for this . Their is a way out. Don't loose your peace, stop talking to yourself on this matter, I know u do that. Their is a way out.


iii. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder , sir, people telling u here that u should look at substance and not container are right , but they forget that men are moved by what they see, yes even u that u are reading this I don't care if your a pastor. At marriage lecture when preparing for wedding the same people that tell u to pray will tell u your wife have to be attracted to u and u to your spouse but she's not to u. You are at a stand still now Cos the letter is like a gum and a big weight u don't know how to loft away, u are dealing with alot of people in this relationship, when u quit it, u will quit alot of relationships.,,,, your pastors and church members may hate u for a long time . These are relationships u don't want to loose, u felt dating a lady just like the last one you just met is easier, its your opinion and decision, collecting a letter from church makes u feel everybody have to know your nusery opinion , u don't even know if the courtship will work or not but the letter makes it look like it must work, u should make it work, why u see other peoples relationship outside church even unbelievers enjoying their emotional connetion, yours lack this, relax but u will need to opt out, but the lady wont go easily, her hopes are high, she will cry she will beg u, all the ladies in church like a small community know she has done small formality . Its a kind of irritation and rejection she will feel u have towards her. It will affect her self esteem like maybe shes not good enough, but u cant marry out of pity, going out of the relationship will help u and her. Dont talk to old pastors, look for a youth pastor to talk to, not even nairalanders. But I will tel u what to do...., I will continue later, pls let me have your consent if this describe the situation .....

MrMcJay:
Pray - Pastor - Pray - Marriage Committee - Propose - Courtship, etc.

Definitely, na Deeper Life this bros dey go.

nigga I swear u too correct, nah the church I dey go but I nor fit marry from there

Without attraction there will be no interaction which will definitely led to separation. Don't please people and displease yourself. You can't make love to a woman you are not attracted to and even if you manage to do it you won't enjoy it which means your sex life will be in shambles.

Heeeneeehn, no wonder churches are springing up everywhere, this is lucrative business oh. So all churches have marriage committees for this same corrupt obodo, God have mercy, i should think all these marriage committee members and pastors will be married, how come naija come woor-woor like this naa. Na wah-ohh.

Anyways na advice omo-boy ask, my chairman, you are too focused on looks, 1 year after marriage all that looks go clear comot from your eye, if look for character, fear of God, nobi all these church-church oh, i mean genuine fear of God, then look for a home-maker, i.e mother for your kids, how does she relate with kids, do kids love and adore her, her siblings etc then finally, pray to God sincerely, mind you, ladies will be interested in you cos you're an escape channel from recession..... all the best to you my broda.

tobaseye:


That's why I have been bothered. I can claim to love her and still be having feeling for another girl. I can't love two people at the same time.

Of course not, you can't love two ladies equally. That's the problem created when you allow the church to have a greater influence on you when choosing your life partner. I want to believe that the lady you just met actually meets up with the exact requirements you want in a lady but, I still sense lust. The best thing is that you should now open up to your fiancee about how you feel and let her know where she stands with you instead of wasting that lady's time, let her just move on with her life and you continue with this new lady since you claim to love her. But, let me tell you a trick about most ladies, when we see something good for ourselves, we try all we can to be at the best behavior so as to get the "thing" in question and after, we exhibit our real behaviors. I'll implore you to study her more before you're lost in love with the new lady. I wish you good luck.

But don't forget, pray! pray!! pray!!!

phemocheee:
How can a 36years old man not know what he wants for God's sake? You said it yourself that you don't find her attractive and you also struggle to call her. Please sir, what other red flags are you hoping to see before you move on?

Church red flag. See how a mature man has allowed pastors and church doctrine to control his life. I hope your pastors would add divine sugar to your wedding when it gets bitter. In your heart, you know the truth, but you're here asking us questions.

The lady may not even love you. She might just be sticking with you because you live abroad, a thing to brag about to her friends. Call her, tell her you don't feel OK about the whole thing and you can't continue. Your happiness is at stake here. Don't come here to ask us questions after marrying her because it's clear you won't be happy if you marry her.

You will never find a lady whose features will make you not notice or even attracted to others . This is the nature of man . You may find another but it's not a guarantee that you will not be tempted.
Think of the future in making such a decision, she may not be the best person you want in bed but if she can hold down your household as you have envisioned for your children then stick to her .
From my personal experiences there is even a blessing each time you overcome a major sexual temptation and your woman will be more desirable like you have not seen her before .
It can work if you are willing to make it work .
God bless you .

tobaseye:


Church is even the least. It's herself and her family is given me concerns.

in that case, must you marry with a pity? Must you sacrifice your happiness because of her family? What you are trying to protect now will come to materialise if you go ahead with the wedding, and then, both the lady and her family will hate you more. You don't pretend when it comes to 'love' matter.

But if you think you want to make her and her family happy, then, make the sacrifice and stick by it.

tobaseye:
I live abroad at the moment, I will be 36yrs by May this year. I proposed to a lady I met some months before I left Nigeria in 2015, we did not have any contact while I was in Nigeria, and as at the time I proposed to her she had not met me in person because I did not approach her then. I asked someone to get me her contact while I was in abroad and contacted her thereafter. I involved the church because we both attend the same church, and one must seek the permission of the marriage committee of the church before approaching a lady in the church which I did before contacting her. We started chatting and asked her to send me her current pictures, because she hardly takes pictures and there were no current pictures of her on her Facebook wall. After I got some of her current pictures, I found out that her look does not attract me anymore but still continue chatting with her. But I encourage her to make good pictures and send to me.
After some month I was given the permission from the Church to propose to her, which I refused and told my Pastor and the marriage committee that am planning to go to Nigeria in some months to come that I will do that when I get to Nigeria, though I was persuaded to propose but I still maintained my stand that until I get to Nigeria before I will propose.
When I got to Nigeria I proposed to her after one week but told one of my close friend that the woman am about to get marriage to is not that attractive to me that I don't even feel the urge to call her phone, that I only forced myself to call her phone when I even manage to call her.
But with all these, I still go ahead to do parental consent in which I met her family and she also met my family. Thereafter, the church gave us the permission to commence courtship but we are yet to start the courtship.
She asked me not quite long why I delayed to propose to her and I told her that I just felt things are just going too fast.
The problem I have now is that, I met another lady before I left Nigeria. She is a family friend, she came with her siblings to visit my parents on the 1st of January and we talked for few minutes before she left. But that night I was restless and could not sleep because I didn’t take her contact. I was so troubled because I had just one week to leave Nigeria and I was not sure of seeing her again because I don't live with my parents, was just there for two days visit. I was supposed to leave my parent’s house the following day but I could not leave because I said I need to find a way of getting her contact. With the help of my mum I was able to get her house address and I visited her house uninvited. She was surprised to see me that morning we talked for some minutes, took her contact and take my leave. we have been chatting since then.
The problem is that I like this new lady so much but am afraid of hurting my girlfriend and the her family and I don't know what to do because I am of age, I have waited for so long, I want get it right and I want to enjoy my marriage. I don't want to cheat on my wife after marriage.
The relationship I have now is my first relationship, it is now about 7 months but my girlfriend just met me in person in December, just less than two month ago.
The relationship is first for two reasons; one is because my church does not encourage boyfriend and girlfriend relationship and two, some friends that I had asked out over some years now were in a serious relationship before I met them.
For the last 10 years I have only asked 3 girls out before my current girlfriend, two of which are my very close friends but were in serious relationship before I met them. The third one was not that close but she refused me said we can only be friends.
I don't even know if my new crush is even in a relationship too or not.
I need serious advice please!!!
Thanks.

You have put yourself into a deep mess by not calling it off when you realized that you are no longer attracted to her. A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage, call it off before things get messier than it already is.do not waste anymore of the lady's time. From what you wrote, i could deduce that looks is what you are attracted to, looks fade o, so its better you know what you want and don't loose diamonds while chasing stones. and about ur new babe, stop behaving like a mumu na how can you say u dont know if she's in a relationship or not, cant u ask her? better grow up and be a man

This is why I hate church dictating our lives for us. There should be freedoms for us to live our lives and experience things. Now u want to please ur pastors and other authorities. At your age u don't know jackshit about women.
Forget about all this church preaching, marriage is not happily ever after if u like marry and angel send directly by God.
You have identity confusion, something most teenagers suffer. You don't even know ow what u want and can't handle situations.
Imagine u started doubting ur feelings for her and insisted to come down to Naija before proposing,yet you proposed despite knowing u don't feel her.
Ask yourself what u want in a woman... Why do u love the new one? Why did u propose to the old one. What attracted u to both girls. Rate them with an open mind, be honest to urself. Stand on the truth u tell urself and do the right thing.
And for go sake, get laid and learn more about sex. There is more to life than doing holy holy

Is it possible for u not to love ur fiancee before marriage nd then all of a sudden u start loving her after marriage...so impossible...nd if it is...itd be on rare occasions......cant tell u to marry someone u feel nothing for....nd moreover uv always felt like that even before you met the new crush...do whatever makes u happy so u dont get to regret at the end

I'm kind of surprise that you will reason that way @36. The problem is with you and not your fiancee. sorry to say this, you are not mature enough yet to go into marriage. sit yourself down and do some soul searching. you get attracted by appearance alone and not by who a person is. what is the guarantee that you will not feel love for someone else tomorrow when you meet someone else prettier than the new girl?. chairman grow up and don't be lusting after looks.

my advise to you bros.... don marry a lady becos of self pity, don't marry a lady becos of outward appearance, don't marry a lady becos your church member as ordained it, its what you told your church member that dey are working on they are just middle man between you and the girl....so my brother, marry someone you believe ur heart believe in.....becos marriage is not something u buy in market and return it becos u don't like it again. . you marry someone u like even if the outward appearance is nothing to write home about...you can take her to d market and do otherwise to ur own taste.