Daboomb:


Do you think her "financial dependence" was what caused the marital breakdown?
Do you think being financially independent would prevent all those things that led to the "bad feelings" in the past?

Reflect for a minute and think about the starting years when things were rosy and lovely. How come financial dependence did not affect feelings back then?

Financial dependence may become an issue when Divorce is being considered and the man has to fork out money to maintain the ex-spouse without income

I say that it was when other problems crashed the "good feelings", that the financial dependence became obvious and caused further problems.
It was not the initial cause of the problem.
When LOVE vanishes from a marriage, every other thing becomes a PROBLEM
But When there is LOVE in a marriage, every other PROBLEM sort of Vanishes or become inconsequential

happy you have both moved on.

Bro it's a lts a long story.

The truth is that love is never enough cos she loves me like kilode cos she came right back after 3 years and I gave her a second chance but her body language still remained the same until we eventually settled for a permanent separation but she still want us to be together against all odds.

No matter how deeply a woman loves you,pray you don't have issues with your finance cos that will always bring pressure..love is best nourished if you have adequate finance that is proportionate to the financial affinity of that lady in your life but anything short of that will tilt the affair in a negative direction.

Trust me on this, marrying a lady who does not have a tangible personal income is like harboring a ticking time bomb that will certainly ignite if you ever face financial turbulence...

If you have money,set her up in business as I did but incase the business fails,pray she is daring and hardworking enough to weather the storm.

All mah married folks here will jex be hyping upandan...
Though itz normal and a necessary thing to do, jex like living in an imaginary paradise, after all, who no love em better half?

I LOVE MY HUSBAND NO DOUBT BUT I WISH I KNEW ALOT OF THINGS THEN, I WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER!!!

Let's say we are like this cuz itz early marriage but me I no go lie, I wldnt wish early marriage for my enemies let go my friends cuz everyday, I jex have to learn to adjust to what we call "YOUTHFUL EXOBRANCE!!!" "PUTTING OTHER BAES AHEAD OF YOU JUST CUZ U WANT TO STILL FLEX YOUTHFULNESS"

Abeg lemme come and be going...
MARRIAGE IS SWEET AND FUN WHEN MATURED MINDS ARE INVOLVED...

Benignasweety:
All mah married folks here will jex be hyping upandan...
Though itz normal and a necessary thing to do, jex like living in an imaginary paradise, after all, who no love em better half?

I LOVE MY HUSBAND NO DOUBT BUT I WISH I KNEW ALOT OF THINGS THEN, I WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER!!!

Let's say we are like this cuz itz early marriage but me I no go lie, I wldnt wish early marriage for my enemies let go my friends cuz everyday, I jex have to learn to adjust to what we calOTHER BAES AHEAD OF YOU JUST CUZ U WANT TO STILL FLEX YOUTHFULNESS"

Abeg lemme come and be going...
MARRIAGE IS SWEET AND FUN WHEN MATURED MINDS ARE INVOLVED...

It doesn't have to be imaginary. As long as the two agree _they can achieve that paradise. The problem is: most times we spend more time hammering on the problem/running away from it, than fixing it. I (we) got married early, I faced same challenges you're probably facing. I still face some.

Marriage isn't a bondage, except you guys make it so. Talk to your husband , don't be on the defence _listen and reach a compromise. You both can figure out how to bring back that spark. Please, stop comparing yourself to your single friends. You can't get a degree of freedom back. It comes with the institution.

LifeIsGuhd:


werent you spoiling your Ex-wife well enough?
who initiated the divorce?

whats "temi yemi"

You can only spoil a lady in proportion to your income and yes I did spoil her cos I gave her an average of10% of my monthly income(over 200k) regularly(my error i guess) for over 11years asides setting her up in different businesses that failed due to her lack of perseverance expecially the bridal makeover biz she started which was really very promising.

So I really can't say I did not spoil her to the best of my effort but there is nothing like having a wife who is dogged,patient and can persevere.

My point is that guys should marry a hardworking lady who is ready to do her best to make her own money and bring something to the table no matter how small and this is also why I discourage ladies from becoming a full housewife cos it could turn out to be a terrible idea if there is a problem with the man's finance which of course no man is immuned to

Toks2008:


You can only spoil a lady in proportion to your income and yes I did spoil her cos I gave her an average of10% of my monthly income(over 200k) regularly(my error i guess) for over 11years asides setting her up in different businesses that failed due to her lack of perseverance expecially the bridal makeover biz she started which was really very promising.

So I really can't say I did not spoil her to the best of my effort but there is nothing like having a wife who is dogged,patient and can persevere.

My point is that guys should marry a hardworking lady who is ready to do her best to make her own money and bring something to the table no matter how small.

Okay...
My point is that some hardworking lady who brings something to the table wouldnt still wanna touch their income/salary... they still want you to provide everything.
So basically, you would just have to pray for a lady that is patient, faithful and can persevere.

one more question: is this the first time you are coming out as a divorcee on nairaland?

Toks2008:


Oh yes but that will be on a whole new level...you can't really understand..

I love to spoil my lady and I'm an alpha male to the core meaning even if my wife makes N2m a month I will care less and never ask her for 1kobo but instead I will spend what I can afford on her.

But if hard time knocks I believe she won't be a threat to me because she can take care of herself at least while she allows me the chance to pick up but when a lady totally depends on you for finance and you are facing hard times,the pressure doubles and the resultant effect is usually bad...

True it can be very devastating. Happened to me as a single. But I personally think it is more on individual or personality basis. Some independent women may even be worst. But honestly it hurts and can be very devastating when someone telling you lovey attitude when things were fine turn into something else.

LifeIsGuhd:


Okay...
My point is that some hardworking lady who brings something to the table wouldnt still wanna touch their income/salary... they still want you to provide everything.
So basically, you would just have to pray for a lady that is patient, faithful and can persevere.

one more question: is this the first time you are coming out as a divorcee on nairaland?

You are right though and No I have always made it open that I was technically married or how else will a never married guy be giving out marital advice and how on earth will a straight cute guy at 40+ wouldn't have been married before?

But can I also ask a question...if you had a registry wedding without a trad wedding and your bride price paid would you really say you are married or the man is married to you?

jhudit:

Why are you so bitter.
If they all came here to say men are wicked, it's your type that will still get angry...Do you want them to paint their husbands bad to please you?? ?? It's a lie because their husbands are good.

Why do people like to hear bad news like this?

its got nothing with being bitter or wicked. the question is WHAT YOU REGRET NIT KNOWING ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.

Josh44s:


First of all answer me. Are you married?

Not yet. Getting prepared to marry a nairalander.

Toks2008:


Oh yes but that will be on a whole new level...you can't really understand..

I love to spoil my lady and I'm an alpha male to the core meaning even if my wife makes N2m a month I will care less and never ask her for 1kobo but instead I will spend what I can afford on her.

But if hard time knocks I believe she won't be a threat to me because she can take care of herself at least while she allows me the chance to pick up but when a lady totally depends on you for finance and you are facing hard times,the pressure doubles and the resultant effect is usually bad...

Very good Toks2008, I can relate with all you said, really. I have been in such situation. Being an alpha male is good. An alpha male wants to prove till the end of the world that he is 'domineeringly responsible' (pardon my English). The unattractive part is that he rarely ask for help. I pray divinity will provide you with a lady that sincerely identifies with you through thick and thin. If you find such, when hard times comes knocking, lower your 'Alpha Male' guards. Ask for help. Move over the hard times faster. My people will say "eniyan l'aso mi" (I wish i can translate that).

Nothing .
Everything is just in place.

rainerboy1010:


are you a baby mama?

do i look like one or not

Toks2008:


You are right though and No I have always made it open that I was technically married or how else will a never married guy be giving out marital advice and how on earth will a straight cute guy at 40+ wouldn't have been married before?

But can I also ask a question...if you had a registry wedding without a trad wedding and your bride price paid would you really say you are married or the man is married to you?

Okay, but I wasn't referring to being technically married but being divorced.

Uhm, that's a tough question... personally I would say I am married but my family might insist I am not.

So was that what you did?

LifeIsGuhd:


Okay, but I wasn't referring to being technically married but being divorced.

Uhm, that's a tough question... personally I would say I am married but my family might insist I am not.

So was that what you did?

Yeah sis exactly my story so in order to keep my sanity I just tell people I was technically married since the lady in question tells everyone who cares that I have never paid her bride price and looking at it deeply I think she is right regardless of the borrowed practise of white or registry wedding.
We had an agreement to do the registry and wait a little while before doing traditional for some reasons asides finance.

So if I say I was married I guess I'm partially right and if I say I have never been married I can also say I'm right so I kuku ma use the word "technically married" but I'm happy now that both technical registry or whatever is anulled so I'm very free to carefully marry any lady of my choice and meticulously pay her bride price so I can boldly and clearly say I'm married for the first time in my life but each day I keep asking myself..."who will it be"?

Pls i want to tell him dis.dnt wnt him to brg his parent issue espcly d moda near me agn cos I dnt knw why she wld brg hersf into d rltnshp wen not marid frntg smthgs.she had her birthday (nt celebrtd) i prtnd as if dnt knw cos we parted ways bf, all causd by d mom,so weneva I c her nt alws hapi.nw I feel shd tell him wont sign a life cntract wth hm evn if its God will if his moda wld be a burden on me cos I have mine nt dstrbg him.please,is it ok if I tell hm ds cos we nt yet tied?

Toks2008:


Yeah sis exactly my story so in order to keep my sanity I just tell people I was technically married since the lady in question tells everyone who cares that I have never paid her bride price and looking at it deeply I think she is right regardless of the borrowed practise of white or registry wedding.
We had an agreement to do the registry and wait a little while before doing traditional for some reasons asides finance.

So if I say I was married I guess I'm partially right and if I say I have never been married I can also say I'm right so I kuku ma use the word "technically married" but I'm happy now that both technical registry or whatever is anulled so I'm very free to carefully marry any lady of my choice and meticulously pay her bride price so I can boldly and clearly say I'm married for the first time in my life but each day I keep asking myself..."who will it be"?

It could be me, it could be you, it could be someone by your side *singing* LOL

Well, I understand now though!

Two more things: any kids?
2. Was the court wedding done for papers? I.e green card/ permanent resident things

fohlarp:
Pls i want to tell him dis.dnt wnt him to brg his parent issue espcly d moda near me agn cos I dnt knw why she wld brg hersf into d rltnshp wen not marid frntg smthgs.she had her birthday (nt celebrtd) i prtnd as if dnt knw cos we parted ways bf, all causd by d mom,so weneva I c her nt alws hapi.nw I feel shd tell him wont sign a life cntract wth hm evn if its God will if his moda wld be a burden on me cos I have mine nt dstrbg him.please,is it ok if I tell hm ds cos we nt yet tied?

Please please I don't know if you're doing this on purpose but the shorthand abi abbreviation you're using is making your whole write up unreadable

LifeIsGuhd:

It could be me, it could be you, it could be someone by your side *singing* LOL

Well, I understand now though!

Two more things: any kids?
2. Was the court wedding done for papers? I.e green card/ permanent resident things

I guess I'm writing too much..we could chat on watts up as I believe you will be very friendly.

Lol! Okay!

LifeIsGuhd:

Lol! Okay!

Good..you can unquote me after retrieving...

Marriages are meant to be with hinges but resolvable ones, because you two are not siblings, even though you asked everything you feel you have to, Along the line, there will be Little issues that may arise. what matters is understanding and love. another thing is knowing the fault and try to overlook some but handle it amicably. For those who would want to know more and avoid some silly mistakes in marriage. look for " The disgrace of marriage by Odimegwu Onwumere and read it. You can also search for him and order for it. For intending couples and existing couple. some churches use the book for marriage counselling.
Marriage is an institution. you can't graduate till death comes knocking and you don't know all.

Toks2008:


Why sorry? shits happen in life and you either let it weigh you down or you learn from it and move on.

Why else do I want to marry a financially independent lady? it's because I have learned a big lesson from my previous marriage

Pls share your experience if you don't mind.

LifeIsGuhd:


Please please I don't know if you're doing this on purpose but the shorthand abi abbreviation you're using is making your whole write up unreadable

sorry all am saying is want to tell him never to allow his mom interfere into our relationship agn.as it was d same reason we brk up first.just want to knw weda its ok to tell him cos am tired with her palava.

Katier00:
shits really do happen. Marriage is an eye opener. The worse thing that can happen to any woman is to be financially dependent o n her man. My previous marriage taught me that too

You divorced too? Pls share your experience if you don't mind.

R.E.A.L.I.T.Y

Daboomb:
I married my Enemy, we hate each other back then and we were very nasty to each other (and you can imagine how enemy looks at only the bad sides of their enemies! ).

- We went our ways and fate brought us together again, after many years and we have matured!
- Then we started being less critical and became just Hi-hi friends.
- Then we started realising that "this person is not that bad as l used to think"?
- Then we became "good friends" and make jest of each other and "those days" when it was fire for fire!
- This is when we realised that we knew too much about the other person!
- Then friendship got so good and so close that one couldn't do without seeing the other for even just one day!
- Then each person said: l cant marry you because you are my friend and l dont want to lose such a good friend like you!
- Then each person began to realize that life cant be just complete, without the other person around..... and that is when LOVE overcame all other outstanding obstacles.

In our case, all the questions were not asked directly but all questions were answered by real life events that unfolded with time.
Marry your FRIEND and all other things will fall in-place!
Mind you, your 'FRIEND' is not necessarily that person that smiles at you, say good things about you or stick around you just because things are rosy for you!

Your real friend is that person who has seen THE WORST of YOU...and still thinks you are wonderful to be with.
He/She has seen you in Poverty, in Anger, in Sickness, in unfaithfulness (cheating!), without make-up , smelled your mouth when you have not brushed your teeth , in Joblessness, e.t.c`

Nothing surprises them anymore.

Married to that same "enemy" of mine now, for over a decade! ..and l am loving it like Mad!

fiona14:
before i got married am a very social person and loved to party, i and my hubby courted for Jes 3months before we got married tho we knew each oda when we where in soul he was 5yrs older dan me in class ,but when we met again we picked tinz up. he's romantic but it not enuf for me maybe bcuz of my past relationships av ad in d past,i endured all of it but one day i had to come out and said my mind that i needed more romance b4 sex but to my surprise he improved gradually and now everytin OK... i never wanted a perfect man but i prayed for a man who is ready to correct his mistakes. no marriage is perfect i av my clauses.

solid3:

Pls share your experience if you don't mind.

I have...just browse the pages of this thread.

Wow keep it coming guys...we are learning

Toks2008:


I have...just browse the pages of this thread.

Toks..honestly your story is so emotional..sorry to ask, you were 'technically married' for how many years
?

What are the questions we should ask our spouse before we say YES...

Please married men and women, what are the important questions we should ask our spouse before we say Yes?

prettyblaqy:
Marriages are meant to be with hinges but resolvable ones, because you two are not siblings, even though you asked everything you feel you have to, Along the line, there will be Little issues that may arise. what matters is understanding and love. another thing is knowing the fault and try to overlook some but handle it amicably. For those who would want to know more and avoid some silly mistakes in marriage. look for " The disgrace of marriage by Odimegwu Onwumere and read it. You can also search for him and order for it. For intending couples and existing couple. some churches use the book for marriage counselling.
Marriage is an institution. you can't graduate till death comes knocking and you don't know all.

Nice one ma'am. I will look out for this book. Thanks

Understand the word of God on marriage and enjoy your lives together