Onegai:

We will talk, hopefully soon.

Pidgin2:


Your own challenge seems to be only the fact that you should have asked about his opinion on work but how does that help someone who wants to avoid more serious issues like this

https://www.nairaland.com/3864454/man-brutalises-wife-port-harcourt

https://www.nairaland.com/3864459/woman-beaten-husband-refusing-early

I know you may have married right, but about 80% of married folks will face more serious issues. I'm your experience and looking at situations above, what questions should have been asked before marriage?

Poor work-life balance has destroyed lots of homes. At first I used to nag, complain, threaten to prioritise my work too. I could have kept on nagging and he with his inability to apologise, but we didn't do that, we had to talk and look for a way around it. If not, we would probably have gotten to the verbal abuse stage, maybe physical abuse . Then you would consider it serious. Lack of communication, understanding, tolerance and patience is what makes issues serious in marriages. Considering that lots of people don't get to know each other well, and be friends _it isn't surprising

Benignasweety:
Hugs back!

Thanks mah E-family

Incrizz:

Wow, you're pretty. I'm fascinated by big eyes

Daboomb:


You are sooo wrong!

Things like Money become important like you put it, because your marriage is already failed and dead, in the first place.
If the marriage was what a marriage is supposed to be, then one spouse money, is also the money of the other spouse.

As a matter of fact, the working spouse works hard for only one reason: To please and provide for the other spouse!

My wife works but l cant sat categorically how much she earns as of today, because l dont really care as long as she is fine (l know she earns well) but she tells me that she is not contented unless she spends from my own sweat!
So, giving her money has become a ritual sort of. She does not really need it but she still gets it. Women...ehn!
if she were to stop working today, she will still live the way she lives when she was working; because l will ensure that happens.

I have seen marriages where, for the sake of proper upbringing of the children, one spouse who was earning less but has a very good relationship with the children (husband), agreed to lay-off work for five years (bathing, feeding, school runs, lesson runs, e.t.c) were all done by him while the wife was at work.
Her salary is transferred into a joint account and both have access (including ATMS) to the same account.
It was never an issue because both understood that they are doing it for their family and their marriage.
It also never made the wife disrespect her husband such that everyone envied the man so much and heaped praise on his wife... for being the symbol of motherhood.

Maybe you were disrespectful of the same man whose income you depend on? (Just guessing, l know that when marriage goes wrong and love flies out the window, a lot of nasty things can happen).
But dont use your own bad situatuion, as a yardstick to generalise here.

solid3:


You divorced too? Pls share your experience if you don't mind.

solid3:

What is the one thing you regret having not asked your spouse before marriage?

We have all heard and seen how marriages which is meant to be enjoyed being endured by many women and men too.

Sometimes the marriages end within few months.

Most of these marriages could have been salvaged and prevented from ending abruptly if necessary questions were asked before the wedding.

This brings me to asked the married people (and matured peopel as well), what is that question or discussion you wish you have asked or had before you married your spouse?

Matured comments please.

Toks2008:



But there is nothing like having a wife who is dogged,patient and can persevere.

Katier00:
what a long epistle . I didn't Generalise, I said my previous marriage taught me bla bla. That man abused me in all ramification because I was not working. I begged for eventually everything because I don't earn. Yet he won't let me work. I will share my story some day here. It still hurts right here

Roseey0:


I can't believe that aspect that he abused you financially and still didn't allow you work.
Either you just didn't want to work or
You weren't matured enough to handle this. I am guessing you married a man far older than you and was never your friend. You got that all wrong again. Yes he is older, yes was not my friend and yes, he abused me financially and refused me a job. I got a banking job, he said no, I won't have time for my kids. I got a teaching job, he said no, they pay peanut. I got a job with a humanitarian organisation, he said no, it requires a lot of travelling. Why won't I want to work? Even being a stay at home is a bigger work itself.


I use to be scared of being a house wife, because I saw many dependent unhappy house wives while growing up. I decided if I wasn't financially independent marriage wont cross my mind.
In the quest to become independent, I built my doggedness, patience and perseverance. After marriage I had to relocate to join my hubby. I was so scared of becoming dependent on a man but then I married my Friend so it won't be that bad. I prayed a lot too before making that decision to finally settle down . I dont even need to ask, for him to see there is a need and money is disbursed asap to solve it.

Having been independent myself I understand how burdensome it could be for another party to be cashing out on you for favourites. This restricts and guide my asking.
I won't be a burden forever and he knows that. I understand things may go south with him too, he has a lot going on from his family end, so I am trying soo hard to leave the housewive status as soon as possible.

Even if I asked all the questions in this world
I would still never have asked towards this direction wen though we dated for 3ye

Sterope:

Benignasweety

Why are you a tribal bigot? Whether Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa, Ibibio, Efik....No one is better than the other. If a Yoruba man causes you harm, he may just be a bad person who does the same to people around him. Same goes for other ethnic groups, it may have never been about your ethnic group. An as.shole will always be an as.shole.

I can't see how tribe can preclude one from acting like a jackas? So far you havent mentioned how these afonja people mentioned your tribe when they treated you unfairly? Even if they did, don't they treat their kind Kirk that too? You also haven't asked Afonja people how they have been misled by other ethnic groups when they are at the market, have you? If you did you would have been told a lot stories and most of them would have ended it with the same illogical conclusion that you did....they would have blamed their ethnic group instead of pure human greed.


With your intelligence, I can't believe you think Hausas don't lie. Please, when did Hausas stop being human? If they were so truthful, how come northern states are as underdeveloped as southern states? You don't see yourself as a bigot but you are a bigot. You are so easy to castigate God creations yet you keep praying to him. May he forgive you ma.

Benignasweety:
Tribal bigot kwa? wia did dat one emit from? certainly not my diary.
But come to think of it, Nigeria has made it seem d Northerners are honest people, Southerners liars, Easterners very greedy and then Westerners very wicked...

Am not Hausa so U see, I dont even stand in for any so to say.
Plz throw more light on how I castigate God's creations cuz I dont seem to get it...

Thanks for calling me out but I need to be lectured more on why you so think am a tribal bigot.

Katier00:
what a long epistle . I didn't Generalise, I said my previous marriage taught me bla bla. That man abused me in all ramification because I was not working. I begged for eventually everything because I don't earn. Yet he won't let me work. I will share my story some day here. It still hurts right here

Sterope:
From your diary

1) Afonja is a derogatory term
2) Afonjas sha, I no support tribalism but tru tru Afo joro ndia njo well well)

3)Nepa yaff cut our lyt stupid Afonja people! only the Educated Afonjas have sense every others are just too wicked and tribalistic!
Lyt wey we pay #4500 e remain just 2300 yet, they still cut d lyt, pulled the entire wire and rolled it inside our compound like say wey bin don dey get personal beef with them all because our Landlord is Igbo

I doubt if you know the whole story. Your Landlord is not the first Igbo Landlord in Lagos or the first landlord in Nigeria. It is worrisome if you think they cut the light ecaue he was Igbo. You better ask that landlord to tell you the truth instead of putting the blame on others.



4) They left all their afonja compounds house! NO WAHALA!!!... Lemme see how any of dem Afonjas will enter our compound to fetch water when light no dey.

How would you know? The Nepa I know don't leave houses that default whether Igbo, Hausa or Yoruba. When you default, they cut your light. If you reconnect without paying off your debt, they take away your wires.



I have been insulted by Igbo women traders before but I never summed it up to tribe because anyone from any tribe will do the me to me. Have I been insulted by Yoruba women traders before? Yes, times without numbers. Igbo traders be misled me before but I didn't see the tribe because anyone from any tribe can do the same to me. And have I truly been misled by Yoruba traders before? Yes, it happens every time I go to the market without my two eyes.

You can say you are not a bigot but indeed you are.

Roseey0:


I can't believe that aspect that he abused you financially and still didn't allow you work.
Either you just didn't want to work or
You weren't matured enough to handle this. I am guessing you married a man far older than you and was never your friend.


I use to be scared of being a house wife, because I saw many dependent unhappy house wives while growing up. I decided if I wasn't financially independent marriage wont cross my mind.
In the quest to become independent, I built my doggedness, patience and perseverance. After marriage I had to relocate to join my hubby. I was so scared of becoming dependent on a man but then I married my Friend so it won't be that bad. I prayed a lot too before making that decision to finally settle down . I dont even need to ask, for him to see there is a need and money is disbursed asap to solve it.

Having been independent myself I understand how burdensome it could be for another party to be cashing out on you for favourites. This restricts and guide my asking.
I won't be a burden forever and he knows that. I understand things may go south with him too, he has a lot going on from his family end, so I am trying soo hard to leave the housewive status as soon as possible.

Even if I asked all the questions in this world
I would still never have asked towards this direction wen though we dated for 3years.

Approach life per day basis

Benignasweety:
? Wow...1st am wowed u re following my diary gratia ma/sir...

But in your embolded, am sure you saw wia I said only d educated ones... I didnt jex specify dat itz an alround afonja thingy...
Well dos Nepa pipo made it very obvious dey had a beef with us! We paid 5500 out of 7000 Nepa bill and dey still cut n rolled our wire in, normally itz not done like dat!
Besides dia fellow Afonjaz leaving around, dey didnt disturb dem... I had to go ask one Iya ibeji how much she paid and mrs told me 3500naira! Why wasnt hers cut?
Another granny afonja was jex telling me if you enter my house ehnnnn and dey wia like Ekusheee ma, jex pay anytin and she gave dem only 1k for my koro koro eyes...

Well, thanks to Seun Osewa Nairaland, I for noknw wetin Afonja mean o, na nairalanders spoil me sef...

WE ARE ONE NIGERIA
LETS LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY...

Happy Sunday n dont forget to pray for me...

Benignasweety:
[b]Okpolo eye no be open eyes ooo[\b]


Am blushing here... thanks swt

Daboomb:


First, l am surprised that you would take this 'tribal thing" to your real life!
I am shocked that you actually would treat people, innocent strangers, based on the rubbish we write or do in politics section!
To me, l think you are actually a very "tribal, wicked person", in real life.

We all insult ourselves and call each other names, in the Politics section ( from IPAD, Afonja, Cone head, Igbo, e.t.c! you need to read some of my own abusive post! it is fire-for-fire )
but l wont expect any matured person to now carry that to the real world and begin to insult and discriminate against fellow Nigerians, based on what they do anonymously on a "yabis platform" like Nairaland.

I was even expecting you will tell us that "You are not actually like that in real life" but treat everyone with respect and dignity they deserve.
In the real world, l am blind to anyone's tribal affiliation and would treat them solely on how they present themselves, in their interaction with me thus, l have friends from virtually all the corners of Nigeria.

Please, dont carry what you read or do on Social media, to real life otherwise, you will just become something else! A vexed and angry person.

Now, as to your Landlord & Nepa:
We all know that nepa staff are corrupt and what they need is just some "bribe".
It "could be" that your Landlord has done "I too know" wit them (Like threatening to report them, doing gra-gra with them or even physically threatened to beat them, in the past! These are all conjectures, mind you) ..and this has soured the relationship between them such that they wont give his house a "second chance" like they would do the other houses.

So, when your house owes a small amount like this, they are very eager to remove your cable.
It so happens that you are Igbo and your Landlord is Igbo (Seems there is something in common between both of you!)

It also happens that both of you are Bigoted to the core, otherwise, you should have approached one of the "Afonjas" and ask them to help you "sweet talk" the Nepa staff, even beg him (as long as he leaves your Power supply!) to not mind wetin Oga Landlord for don do am in the past.

This is what we call DIPLOMACY!

At the end of the day, you will have light, like that Iya Ibeji.

But your bigoted mindset would not allow you to do "the needful", instead you will go about still re-enforcing your hatred towards others, Afonjas in particular.
We all know Afonjas are top-notch, when it comes to DIPLOMACY and that is what the "some" Igbos seem to lack in a large dose.
(Just look at how the Acting President douse the ND tension and spoke to everybody on a level ground)

But that is why Igbos also call Afonjas. "Coward"!
What an Afonja would achieve using Diplomacy, his Igbo brother is still standing there "vexing like mad" and not getting the same thing.

If l were in a position to advice igbo brethren, l will tell them to learn Diplomacy. (But l am not!)
That is the first step in winning any war, before even a single shot is fired.

Benignasweety:
? Wow...1st am wowed u re following my diary gratia ma/sir...

But in your embolded, am sure you saw wia I said only d educated ones... I didnt jex specify dat itz an alround afonja thingy...
Well dos Nepa pipo made it very obvious dey had a beef with us! We paid 5500 out of 7000 Nepa bill and dey still cut n rolled our wire in, normally itz not done like dat!
Besides dia fellow Afonjaz leaving around, dey didnt disturb dem... I had to go ask one Iya ibeji how much she paid and mrs told me 3500naira! Why wasnt hers cut?
Another granny afonja was jex telling dem if you enter my house ehnnnn and dey wia like Ekusheee ma, jex pay anytin and she gave dem only 1k for my koro koro eyes...

Well, thanks to Seun Osewa Nairaland, I for noknw wetin Afonja mean o, na nairalanders spoil me sef...

WE ARE ONE NIGERIA
LETS LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY...

Happy Sunday n dont forget to pray for me...

Daboomb:


ASKING QUESTIONS leads to getting FRAMED ANSWERS..... when everyone knows the goal is to make a 'decision" about the relationship!
What you get are outright lies, half-truths and cooked-up stories!

DONT ASK QUESTIONS so you wont be TOLD NO LIES!
I hope we all remember that cliche?

What "l think" you need to do are:
- Be yourself at all times! Let your very 'baddest' and good part show. Just live normally, dont try ot impress your lover.

- Observe and be super observant, taking note of minuet gestures, body language, reactions to events (good and bad),, choice of words in situations, etc
- Be spiritual (meditation,, prayers, etc). These things focus your power of perception. You need to be "perceptive" of your lover, at all times

- Be "extrapolative", that is, be able to stretch events into the future.
Okay, this might be a little hard to explain but l will try.
When something happens, observe how your lover responds or reacts to it (in action or in words)... then imagine say in a few years down the line and yo are married, how will this his/her "genuine reaction" affect your marriage, if and when you get married to him/her?

Exp: Say your girl friend 'disses' he friend because she could not fulfil a situation that her friend is expected to fulfil.
Say she retorts: can you imagine, she is expecting me to loan her my own money, when she never told me how she spends her own money. Now that she is in need she is running to me, abeg, make she swerve.

Most guys will hear the above and just laugh over it and say: Dont mind her, she think say you be mugun!

Now, inside that seemingly harmless or even justifiable statement, is a lot of information that a would-be partner can process!
*What you have is a lady who is uncaring!
*What you have is a lady who is selfish!
*What you have is someone who is self-centred!

Now, if such behaviour is her "norm" and is repeated often, then you can extrapolate it into your marriage and ask yourself, (if you dont already know), How will she behave/react, if l lose my job and does not earn income for a considerable time, being unable to perform my financial responsibility to our marriage?

The answer is in those statements you heard.
*She will Bleep-you up.
*She will remind you it is her money
*She will take control and become the boss, to your resentment.
*She will starve you of funds
*She will tell her friends, how you have become 'useless' and no longer the 'man of the house'
The list goes on.

The thing is, BEHAVIOUR is not a one-day thing, it is ACQUIRED over many, many years and the good part is you cant also CHANGE IT overnight!
So, observing the little nuances of your lover is a good way of ANSWERING all the UNSPOKEN QUESTIONS that you have.

Observe, observe and observe.
But it takes some level of intelligence to be able to interpret what you are observing.
Most of us even observe these things but we cant make any useful deductions from them.

Sitting your Bae or Guy down and asking a long list of questions, is a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
You will be properly lied to.

If you do due-diligence and you are satisfied, then it is worth taking the risk


NB: A female was used as an example in the above scenario, just for ease of explanation but does not imply that such action is restricted to women alone.
There are guys who will do the same thing.

Sterope:
Uneducated or educated, Yoruba people are the same.
2) I just told you that the word ‘Afonja' is a rogatory name. It is not a nice name at all

3) Perhaps something had happened prior to that event. Either way, they were st.upid. Also, you didn't tell me you visited all the buildings on the street to find out if they cut their lines. If they did cut your line out of bigotry, it is their beewax. But I will suggest you not to take it to heart.

I will pray for you

yvesboss:


two questions..

1. Are you a marraige counsellor?

2. All these points stated above, did you get them from a research, project or observation?

Benignasweety:
? Wow...1st am wowed u re following my diary gratia ma/sir...

But in your embolded, am sure you saw wia I said only d educated ones... I didnt jex specify dat itz an alround afonja thingy...
Well dos Nepa pipo made it very obvious dey had a beef with us! We paid 5500 out of 7000 Nepa bill and dey still cut n rolled our wire in, normally itz not done like dat!
Besides dia fellow Afonjaz leaving around, dey didnt disturb dem... I had to go ask one Iya ibeji how much she paid and mrs told me 3500naira! Why wasnt hers cut?
Another granny afonja was jex telling dem if you enter my house ehnnnn and dey wia like Ekusheee ma, jex pay anytin and she gave dem only 1k for my koro koro eyes...

Well, thanks to Seun Osewa Nairaland, I for noknw wetin Afonja mean o, na nairalanders spoil me sef...

WE ARE ONE NIGERIA
LETS LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY...

Happy Sunday n dont forget to pray for me...

Pidgin2:


I'm not Yoruba but all I'm reading in your post reeks of tribal sentiments, stop saying AFONJA!

Benignasweety:
All mah married folks here will jex be hyping upandan...
Though itz normal and a necessary thing to do, jex like living in an imaginary paradise, after all, who no love em better half?

I LOVE MY HUSBAND NO DOUBT BUT I WISH I KNEW ALOT OF THINGS THEN, I WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER!!!

Let's say we are like this cuz itz early marriage but me I no go lie, I wldnt wish early marriage for my enemies let go my friends cuz everyday, I jex have to learn to adjust to what we call "YOUTHFUL EXOBRANCE!!!" "PUTTING OTHER BAES AHEAD OF YOU JUST CUZ U WANT TO STILL FLEX YOUTHFULNESS"

Abeg lemme come and be going...
MARRIAGE IS SWEET AND FUN WHEN MATURED MINDS ARE INVOLVED...

kataleya:


Gbam! I wonder why they get married when they are not ready to let some habits go

Daboomb:



Just leave her alone, some of these Bigots are irredeemable!

She's already got her comeuppance!

Benignasweety:
Dats a question without an answer...

My marriage jex ended officially dix mrning...

Piiko:
I am sorry dear, you will be fine, God got us, please reach out to me

Seriously, leave God out of it joor.

Nothing to be Sorry about, l am sure she is an adult who made an adult decision to end her own marriage.

Both parties should go about and live their life to the fullest.
I dont want to hear any pity-party stories.