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The Kind Of Husband I Have - Family - Nairaland

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The Kind Of Husband I Have by kimbaby: 7:57am On Mar 09, 2010
what type of husband do you have? maybe you can judge mine and tell me what you think.

He never gives me allowance for the month. it's always in trickles weekly and sometimes i have to write every single item i want to buy.

Since i gave birth to our daughter we never go out together again.

He's always eager to for his guys to come and take him out drinking

He's a fan of all the social networking sites like facebook, twitter and takes a lot of females along as friends

he can come back from a wedding after-party at 2am

he can come home drunk

He never goes to church

He sends mails to female friends ending the mail with "with love"

He thinks he's the finest guy alive

He loves to keep malice and complains about me a nursing mother not having a job when he also has a brother that lives with us and is jobless too

He does no house work asides cooking once in a blue moon

i can go on and on but pls people am i being paranoid to complain?
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by SALady(f): 9:23am On Mar 09, 2010
@Kimbaby, there's always two sides to a story. I say let the baby grow up until the baby is at the right stage to be left at a day care centre, then get yourself a job this will help you become financially independant, and free from a life of a beggar. Dont forget to pray nothing beats that,

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Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by kimbaby: 10:48am On Mar 09, 2010
A
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by no1madman(m): 11:18am On Mar 09, 2010
When u find urself stressed, ask urself one question:
will this matter in 5yrs from now?
if yes,then do somethin about it.
if no,then let it go.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by SALady(f): 11:32am On Mar 09, 2010
Please dont get me wrong, I am not saying you should leave your home. All I am saying is that you should find ways to fend for yourself and take care of the bare necessities, e.g personal hygine, clothes, entertainment, niceties for baby. I'll tell you what, they say the best way to get back at adversity is to kill it with kindness.
This would be your chance to treat your husband in a way that he has never treated you before, like buy him nice things when you start making that money it will eat at his conscience.

Try to make your home as pleasant as possible, when he's away invite family and friends for dinner/lunch and cook up a storm. Make sure that everytime hubby sees you you are always smiling and laughing a LOT. This will make him start asking himself why is he being such a mean person. If nothing changes then I rest my case.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Nobody: 11:49am On Mar 09, 2010
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Centkaycee(f): 1:07pm On Mar 09, 2010
Kimbaby, you've got some pieces of advice try them, but put God first i.e with your prayers nothing is impossible. Goodluck.

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Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by ubiaa5(f): 6:51pm On Mar 09, 2010
great advice chaircover,i feel a lot of women find it difficult to communicate with their husband,just simple talk usually brings a lot of issues to the forefront that couples take for granted and think its no big deal.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Olisa4all: 7:16pm On Mar 09, 2010
chaircover:

Sorry, this is an essay but I will like to use myself as an example here.

My simple advise is to put the baby to bed and have a heart to heart with your husband. Crucially, you need to be honest with yourself on if he was like this before you married him and you just choose to ignore his excesses or if he has changed since the wedding.

If he has changed since the wedding then there is still hope that it is a phase and things can get back to normal again

You also have to question him deeply to find out if his attitude is as a result of something that you have done/do/not done etc

I am always reading one marriage book or the other and have just completed the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. I was discussing the book with my husband and asked him which of the 5 languages were his and he just told me point blank that none of them were and that his language wasn’t even listed in the book.

That wiped the snug smile off my face and I said OK so what is it? and he told me that he wanted my trust. When I got him to explain further, he wanted me to know that he wanted me to trust him totally in everything.

All along, I thought that I was being the good wife by making some crucial lone decisions without his input, such as picking holiday destinations, flights, mortgage lenders etc.

I thought that I was avoiding him being stressed or bothered by them, especially when he had other things on his plate but in actual fact it made him feel that I didn’t trust him enough to make good decisions and take care of us all. Thankfully my husband and I talk a lot so we were able to discuss this, otherwise resentment would have just grown over a period of time & I wouldn’t be any the wiser.

Now I make a conscious effort to guide from behind and not to be so much in his face; of course I will not sit back and watch him invest all our life savings in forex or some other non existent get rich scheme. . . . . I will stop him with “style” LOL

Sorry for the essay & back to the poster; call your husband and talk to him. He is your husband . . . emphasis on the “YOUR”. Get him to open up to you and try and take things from there.

Grass is not always greener on the other side and we all have our challenges in our relationships and as SA Lady said please please please try and find yourself a job.

on point
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by SUKKIE(m): 8:28pm On Mar 09, 2010
These vices are one too many,cant figure Y u didnt let him go way b4 u got married.Anywayz, Cover has said all.All d best babe!
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by no1madman(m): 9:27pm On Mar 09, 2010
There's always 2 sides to every story:
why is he treating u like dirt?
Have u hurt him in anyway?
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by ssumpta(f): 1:38am On Mar 10, 2010
Din't u see some signs while dating? Too bad.
Only God can change such a man.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by switosman(m): 8:28pm On Mar 10, 2010
hey poster you've got a lot in here anyway add this also.

Dont ever throw away your dreams. what was your dreams before u got married? hold unto them at least, what remains of them after "marriage adjusted".
in your prayer give thanks, some one some where is in worst situation than you. then bare your mind to God for wisdom to handle your situation. Read books on related topics ( if u cant buy borrow).
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by mamagee3(f): 12:57am On Mar 11, 2010
You have a good husband, don't complain
there are actually women who's got worse.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by eyoniggar(m): 2:28pm On Mar 11, 2010
mama-gee:

You have a good husband, don't complain
there are actually women who's got worse.

Your own definition of a good husband?
MAMA-GEE, you need thorough brain check/surgery.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by latiana(f): 2:40pm On Mar 11, 2010
eyoniggar:

Your own definition of a good husband?
MAMA-GEE, you need thorough brain check/surgery.

She is speaking from her own perspective (like comparing her husby to the poster's).
No harm intended.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Nobody: 2:46pm On Mar 11, 2010
I think other ladies/women were supposed to tell us the kind of husband they have too inni?.

Please shoot out.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by airzzee(m): 2:58pm On Mar 11, 2010
chaircover:

Sorry, this is an essay but I will like to use myself as an example here.

My simple advise is to put the baby to bed and have a heart to heart with your husband. Crucially, you need to be honest with yourself on if he was like this before you married him and you just choose to ignore his excesses or if he has changed since the wedding.

If he has changed since the wedding then there is still hope that it is a phase and things can get back to normal again

You also have to question him deeply to find out if his attitude is as a result of something that you have done/do/not done etc

I am always reading one marriage book or the other and have just completed the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. I was discussing the book with my husband and asked him which of the 5 languages were his and he just told me point blank that none of them were and that his language wasn’t even listed in the book.

That wiped the snug smile off my face and I said OK so what is it? and he told me that he wanted my trust. When I got him to explain further, he wanted me to know that he wanted me to trust him totally in everything.

All along, I thought that I was being the good wife by making some crucial lone decisions without his input, such as picking holiday destinations, flights, mortgage lenders etc.

I thought that I was avoiding him being stressed or bothered by them, especially when he had other things on his plate but in actual fact it made him feel that I didn’t trust him enough to make good decisions and take care of us all. Thankfully my husband and I talk a lot so we were able to discuss this, otherwise resentment would have just grown over a period of time & I wouldn’t be any the wiser.

Now I make a conscious effort to guide from behind and not to be so much in his face; of course I will not sit back and watch him invest all our life savings in forex or some other non existent get rich scheme. . . . . I will stop him with “style” LOL

Sorry for the essay & back to the poster; call your husband and talk to him. He is your husband . . . emphasis on the “YOUR”. Get him to open up to you and try and take things from there.

Grass is not always greener on the other side and we all have our challenges in our relationships and as SA Lady said please please please try and find yourself a job.


I trip. Never knew there are wonderful ladies in NL. I always read some stupid advice from women, that runs my tummy.

Chaircover, this is it!. Thanx 4 dt.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by MsTom(f): 3:02pm On Mar 11, 2010
@Poster,

From your posts, seems you have problem in your marriage. You need to talk with your hubby and find out the source. It could be that he felt abadoned during and after the birth of your child. Men get jealous you know and only few know how to act on it. Have  heart to heart talk with your hubby. Go out together. Why didnt you go to the wedding with him? Really, dont see anything wrong in coming back from a wedding at 2am. depending on where you live though. There is nothing wrong with him hanging out with his guys. Let him loose a little. For my hubby, I let him hang out with his guy friends. I even organise a pizza nite at our house where the guys come over, watch football or any sport and eat pizza and drink beer while am in the bedroom watching my own show. I let them be. Try that. You get to know you hubby's friends too. Bring back the romance. Usually not easy with a child. Get a baby sitter and go out with your hubby. Make yourself beautiful. Lose that fat around the tummy. No tying wrapper. Wear sexy jeans and tops. Make yourself attractive again and go on a date with him. About you asking for money for stuff, I dont encourage that. Be your own woman and a virtuous one too. Work! From where I work, you have max of 6weeks to get back to work after child birth for which you are not paid. There is nothing like you are nursing and staying at home. Pump bre!ast milk for the child( you dont need a machine. you can use your hands), put in bottles and go out with your hubby or go back to work.  If you dont have a job, sell stuffs. You dont have to have a shop to sell. Start from your house. Sell clothing. sell phone cards. Do something. Make a little money for yourself. What happened if he walks away? How would you feed yourself and your child. Dont 100% depend on a man for money. Men get irritated when you ask for money for little stuffs. For your information, Most men dont do house chores after marriage. so, dont expect much from that angle.  I can go on too. Men are volatile. Any little thing can turn them off. Most importantly encourage him to go back to church. He is leaving cos he doesnt want his conscience pricked. Finally, pray for him and your marriage.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by omega25red(m): 3:03pm On Mar 11, 2010
I think the best thing to do will be to talk about all the things that is bothering you in your marriage with your husband. let him know everything as in you have the thought of possibly leaving the marriage if thats the case. After such a conversation you will find out his true intention. But then again from what i have heard things change when you have a child in a marriage. The guy recents you secretly because you were probably hormonal all through the pregnancy and now that you can't really work because of the baby he recents you even more because in his mind you already had the baby so why are you still sitting at home while he works and pays all the bills (This is from a man)

You have to talk about it so you dont go crazy which would lead to rash decisions. If your child is not old enough to be in daycare, explain this to him and i guess to show effort on your part cut your spending if you spend a lot that way money is less of an issue. I could go on and on but talk bout it
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by MsTom(f): 3:16pm On Mar 11, 2010
omega25red:

I think the best thing to do will be to talk about all the things that is bothering you in your marriage with your husband. let him know everything as in you have the thought of possibly leaving the marriage if thats the case. After such a conversation you will find out his true intention. But then again from what i have heard things change when you have a child in a marriage. The guy recents you secretly because you were probably hormonal all through the pregnancy and now that you can't really work because of the baby he recents you even more because in his mind you already had the baby so why are you still sitting at home while he works and pays all the bills (This is from a man)

You have to talk about it so you dont go crazy which would lead to rash decisions. If your child is not old enough to be in daycare, explain this to him and i guess to show effort on your part cut your spending if you spend a lot that way money is less of an issue. I could go on and on but talk bout it

A 6weeks old child is ready for day care not to talk of 5months old. Children should not be used as an excuse to ruin something beautiful as marriage. If you dont want to take the child to day care cos of your own insecurities, get a maid. Gone are the days when we have sit at home mums who dont make money. Get something going. If you are in nigeria, get a chair and an umbrella and sell phone cards. There is no shame in making money leagally. Contribute to the upkeeping your your home. It is your home.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Akuviv: 3:32pm On Mar 11, 2010
I'll advise you tell God everything; your needs and expectations, your hurts and disappointment, every tiny detail. Ask for wisdom to handle the situation. God has the heart of your husband in his hands and can change it. Pray that God give your husband godly friends and open his eyes to reality. In turn, ask yourself where you are getting it all wrong. Do you pay too much attention to the baby, neglect to take care of your physical appearance? Are you fun to be with or just too grumpy? Do you appreciate him and sing his praise for the little things he does for you? He is bound to spend more time outside if there's more fun and less contention out there. Are you more of a critic and competitor than a companion, friend and lover? Yes, talk about it but not confrontationally. Get a job or biz
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by SkySpirit(m): 3:48pm On Mar 11, 2010
mama-gee:

You have a good husband, don't complain
there are actually women who's got worse.

I too de believe u mamagee!

@poster!

He loves to keep malice and complains about me a nursing mother not having a job when he also has a brother that lives with us and is jobless too

Dis is where ur problem lies. Also, it cud b dat ur payin 2much attention 2ur child, thereby neglecting ur hubby. Dont use harsh words on him, compare him wit oda men & U MUST AVOID TOUCHIN HIS EGO! Weneva he cums back late/drunk, make sure u giv him wateva he needs esp sleepin wit him. Gudluck!
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Nobody: 3:50pm On Mar 11, 2010
I'll advise you tell God everything; your needs and expectations, your hurts and disappointment,  every tiny detail. Ask for wisdom to handle the situation. God has the heart of your husband in his hands and can change it. Pray that God give your husband godly friends and open his eyes to reality

here we go again - the prayer solve everything alliance - is God not already aware of your needs expectations etal?

@ op, i'm interested in your husband's side of the story.

you have made him out to be a complete cad - but that can't be the case, you married him after all
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by timmy(m): 3:51pm On Mar 11, 2010
now, im really feeling like a good husband,  good to know some men are loosers.

But let me just add my 2 kobo, my wife is also nursing our 3 months baby and our marriage is barely a year, but don't yu think yu just might be the reason,
How? yu may ask.
well IMO, what if yur not taking care of yurself like yu used to, when my wife was always smelling of baby drool and breask milk, i had to call her attention to it, AND thats becos during a counsel session we had, someone shared that option, probably yur husband dont want to complain,  i think yu should strike a balance with how yu were before the baby came,  try to dress as sexy and neat as possible, and dont make the baby come btw yu two,  try to engage him with all the talks that happened to you all day,  I go to work but somehow, my wife always have more tales to tell me, either how Davina( our baby) scratched her face or how some truck almost cut out wire or the how africa magic yoruba repeats movies too much or how the gen guy wasted fuel or this or that,  just be the ideal woman,  try that,  it sure wuld work,
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Teminio: 4:06pm On Mar 11, 2010
Akuviv:

I'll advise you tell God everything; your needs and expectations, your hurts and disappointment, every tiny detail. Ask for wisdom to handle the situation. God has the heart of your husband in his hands and can change it. Pray that God give your husband godly friends and open his eyes to reality. In turn, ask yourself where you are getting it all wrong. Do you pay too much attention to the baby, neglect to take care of your physical appearance? Are you fun to be with or just too grumpy? Do you appreciate him and sing his praise for the little things he does for you? He is bound to spend more time outside if there's more fun and less contention out there. Are you more of a critic and competitor than a companion, friend and lover? Yes, talk about it but not confrontationally. Get a job or biz

Can't agree less.
@ poster
You may just be the change your marriage needs
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by minute(f): 4:15pm On Mar 11, 2010
Hmm . . . . doesnt want to be seen with you and your daughter in public?

This is not how a man treats his family. undecided undecided undecided

Your daughter is going to grow up with a distorted veiw of how

a family treats one another . . .she would think this is the kind of

man she should find . . . like daddy . . . undecided undecided undecided
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Nobody: 4:36pm On Mar 11, 2010
No courtship before marriage?
There are always signs, always!

Anyways, just try and talk to your hubby.
For all you know, he might not think he has any problems.
As a married woman, please draw nearer to God, He sees and cares. He will cause a change.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by yfirstson(m): 4:45pm On Mar 11, 2010
From your mail, u don't have a job and that's why he doesn't consider you important enough. Financially your value add to the family is very minute and he consider u not important in deciding when or how he spends his money.
My advise is to get yourself something doing first so that you become less financially dependent on him. By that he will respect u more and consider u an important decision maker in the family.
On his attitude of not spending time at home, I think it's much of your ignorance. He did not just start this, it's obvious he's been living his life this way before u met him. The best way u can deal with this is to ask him that you would like going out with him the next time he's going. U can always drop ur baby with somebody and that will make both of u return home early. Before uwill do that ten times, his friends will start encouraging him to stay at home with you or they will start coming to play with you at home.

On his interest in other girls, try to improve urself; ur look, ur carriage et al. What I've discovered is that most Nigerian ladies fails to take care of their looks once they have their first baby, especially those that are not working.

Wishing u all d best.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Nobody: 5:02pm On Mar 11, 2010
kimbaby:

what type of husband do you have? maybe you can judge mine and tell me what you think.

He thinks he's the finest guy alive
I get all what you said, but I do not get this particular statement. How does that affect your marriage in anyway?

Advice wise I totally agree with chaircover. I could read her post over and over again though it is long.
Really amazing advice. She is absolutely right! talk things over with him, if not he will just continue with his
(I really do not want to use the word but I guess I have to) useless behaviour and you will just keep on developing
hatred for him. And yes you really need to get a job there is no avoiding that, you just can not depend on men nowdays.
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by victorazy(m): 5:05pm On Mar 11, 2010
switosman:

hey poster you've got a lot in here anyway add this also.

Dont ever throw away your dreams. what was your dreams before u got married? hold unto them at least, what remains of them after "marriage adjusted".
in your prayer give thanks, some one some where is in worst situation than you. then bare your mind to God for wisdom to handle your situation. Read books on related topics ( if u cant
buy borrow).

i think i have a dream
Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have by Iranoladun(f): 5:05pm On Mar 11, 2010
@poster
1. Work on your attitude - don't expect much contribution to household chore from him until you get back to your pre-baby attitude with him.  Show more feelings towards him and his needs; cook his favorite dish, help him pick his clothes, cut his nails, most men respond well to pampering especially when you are fussy over them (my hubby is one good example; I always treat him like a king wink)

2. work on your space - try to take care of Little things e.g. your appearance; clothes, hair, figure, skin, shoe, perfume, home; your bedroom; tidy things up don't litter or clutter, improve your cooking skill, tidy up your home; sitting room, kitchen, toilet etc most men cannot stand the 'baby smell' that surround new mothers. tone that the smell by perfume and make effort in dressing up don't laze around all day in your nightie or wrapper just because you ain't going to the office undecided

3. Get a job or business while you are still nursing your child even if it is teaching, cake baking, chin-chin, recharge card business etc Marriage in which you are not a financial contributor is always lopsided.  He pays the bill and you may actually be treated like one of his possesion; he has the economic power and he's currently mis-using that power so you need financial independent

4. Talk to him if there are no changes after you have try all the 3 suggestions above to find out what the problem is

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