Some women use their hand to cause wahala and then turn round to blame the guy .I am sure when he was not doing household chore ,you would have shouted and abused the hell out of him.He now goes out and comes back late to avoid your squabbles ,you still did not learn and treat him with kindness ,you still harrass and shout the hell out of his brain to stop his useless behaviour.Since he is the only one working right now ,have you not thought that the load would somehow be heavy for him to carry hence he needs you to keep details of all the expenses so that you guys can plan ,but to you its a big wahala.its a vicious cycle ,treat your husband the same way you want to be treated and i am sure he would return back to his sense.Guys have ego ,he is a man ,taking decisions and it would be absurd if you his wife would now be berrating those decision without a reasonable reason and in a most diplomatic way .learn and change your ways ,forget about all those prayer shit .God has already given you the brain to reason and solve your problem use it!!!!

@kimbaby,

Let me summarise all the good views expressed by many people here:

1. In giving 100% attention to your new baby, remember you have a husband who needs love too
2. Make yourself look excellent for your husband - sexy, neat, smart, friendly, etc
3. Get a job to help finance your home
4. Look for a day care for the baby
5. Enjoy life with your husband
6. Share a time of good discussion with your husband - it's good to talk

omega25red:

I think the best thing to do will be to talk about all the things that is bothering you in your marriage with your husband. let him know everything as in you have the thought of possibly leaving the marriage if thats the case.

What?? Is this a threat? The worst advise i've ever heard in recent times.

@poster
don't try the above ooo or you ruined everything.

but you should never complain of his drinking habits and hanging out with friends because he must have been doing this when u both were courting. Remember you both hanging out late nights with friends at the point and kill joints. Now u are complaining.

I advise you pray for yourself first and ask God to forgive you then you can tell God to help you out in your marriage.

The problem is he doesn't ve respect for u as his wife.The only way out is to earn urself respect by letting him know u can carry on without him.
Get urself a job,and do thoes thing which he ought to do, And dont 4get to include GOD in ur marriage.

I am a man and I can tell you point blank. It is almost impossible to change such a man especially if he is a womaniser, obvoiusly there are some features that you lack which he might not have noticed before marriage that he needs other women to cover.

Good luck, just maybe with prayers he will change some day.

from d way u sound,u seem 2 be a house wife.piece of advice-get a job n dont ask ur husband 4 money again.after some time he'll notice u dont ak him 4 money then ideas mite start comi in2 his head dat u r cheating on him,so wen he's normal n he ask u were u got d money from tell him u've got a job or started a business n if he asks u were u got d money from 2 start a business tell him from ur parents,presicely ur dad,from then on he'll start feeling guilty n irresponsible,he's ego will be tampered with dat he doesnt provide 4 his family so he's a boy not a man dont put up a fight with him n treat him nicely even if he is kipin malice with u or tempting u 2 start a fight with him.if he comes back late in d nyt treat him real good.dats d way 2 break a man.he'll change.make him feel loved even wen it is not appreciated he'll start feeling stupid himself dat d woman dat he's trying 2 make her life miserable is still dis nice

well as some posters as rightly said
thats the way your husband is and has alwaz been from the begining
u just didnt notice it mayb cuz u were so engrossed in getting married to him
now u r maried and worst still u still look up to him for finances which i think was ur prior motive anywaz
he constitues u as a nusiance considering the fact that u are probably no more attractive and are now more bonded to him as the mother of his child
thus he sees no reason y he shud put up his mr nice guy act
he just had it up to his neck
and cannot b bothered

believe me u, dats how he was wen u both were dating but u were so engrossed in something else probably money, securtity or whatever, u didnt consider the futre, u though he would change and b more responsible when u get married

but there is no need crying over spilt milk, d deed is done, u cnt change someone except through prayer
even prayer wnt garantee u him becoming responsible, but prayer wud surely give u a home for ur daughter, meet ur finances and also emotional needs. grant u peace of mind, as long as u ve a friend in d holy spirit, its not gona b easy
but u also need to pray for his salvation, not just cuz its for ur own good bt cuz u love him, and so he wud b a good role model to ur kids

pple dnt change except d h.spirit changes dem and is usually for d good

i m positive ur husband needs to buckle up in his christian life, all this attributes wnt take him anywhere moreover he is not getting any younger
not going to church is the height , drinking is not necesary
he mite think he is cool, but he is actually immature,
so sister, pray for his salvation, he needs it,

May the good lord help u both groom ur marriage, remeber , divorce is not an option
u ve to bare d cross, bt d good news is stay steadfast to christ cuz once u ve him, u ve all
God bless u

we cannot give u d best advice,because we don't know d genesis of d wahala. . .i got 1001 things 2 say but. . . . .

All these sounds like he's no more interested in you. I am sure it didn't just start, there would have been signs you were ignoring all along.

My advice is for you to check yourself, What were you like before marriage, before the baby and after the baby?

Are you now another woman?

Will a photo of you before baby look like you after having a baby?

Maybe he wakes up every morning and sees a stranger, different from the pretty woman he married in bed?

Check yourself ma'am, God help you,

@ poster,

Now we know the kind of husband you have, can you tell us what kind of wife you are! A balanced view will help us give very good advice.

But many ladies only dream is to marry.One just abandoned this year's UTME for a guy in Lagos.She has left town oh.Before you know it she don preg, begin talk talk. They do not wanna do a thing to bring in the cash but only talk-talk. If u r gud in observation u shld equally be gud in raking in cash.And attitude after birth-gussh.Drives men to the bars!

Oh yeah, another divorce lurking around.

Good advice all through,
but are you all considering the fact that she has a baby?

do you know how time consuming it is to take care of a baby,
that your asking her to be superwoman for her husband?

Is he the only that needs pampering? Is she the only one responsible for bringin up the child?

Dear Kimbaby,

sorry but reading ur post i don't feel like u r asking for advice on how to make things better. U r asking for a judgement. U might feel hurt and quite right to do so, but the problem is, it's not gonna make it any better. Point ur finger at him, convince the jury, get an army, but that way u r only making urself an enemy in him.

What if he posted a topic and asked for judgement on his wife, who always complains, doesn't take care of herself, always asks for more money, doesn't support his social life? What do u think ppl here would tell him? How would u feel? Would u love him more? I certainly would NOT.

It's no longer about who is right and who is wrong. U both ve done good and bad but judging and accusing leads nowhere. U need more of a life. Also a job, even a little one. Some fresh air and also a motivation / reason to be proud of urself. There is so much u can do even with a little child in scarf, without hiring nanny. It's not like u have to provide for the whole family, but u should always be able to take care of ur girlie things and needs without having to beg, or even explain. When u r fair and kind to urself, u will be happier, have more confidence and be able to treat ur husband more fairly.

sorry, you married a jerk, if after your 2nd child he doesnt change. divorce !!!

^2nd child ke!. .it's only a mad man that goes to bed with his roof on fire.

this "man" has some serious issues that need to be worked out and quick

^^

yeah he has issues without doubt
that only proves she must take care of her happiness herself

i think the woman should find out why the man change from a loving husband to a stranger.
if it is what men normally do after issue then win him back.

try to win him back you can do it. and take care of your child.
Again i'm sure you know he drinks before you marry him so it is your responsibility to win him back.
those that drinks are something else friends will push them to things.

God will help u

all the complains on NL are against the male folks,
are we saying our women and wifes are all saints?

I strongly believe in divorce.am single for now but when i get married if i realized that ma marriage is giving me problems that it should it simply file for divorce.Gone are the days when are mothers were molested and treated badly all in the name of marriage.if u are ma sister i will advice u d same thing. QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol. . .Men like me scarce true, true.

My dear, here's my own two kobo. First you need to pray to God to give you the right words to say to YOUR husband. Sit you husband down and have a heart to heart discussion with him, ask him what it is you've done or didn't do. Let him know you're not a fan of him browsing all the time and staying out sa late, especially if its becoming excessive. Another thing is that you need to work and make some kind of money, a man respects a woman that can handle her own business, trust me. Its not like before when the husband took care of everything, we live in a different world now. Empower yourself and bring se"xy back! Give him a nice treat when he comes home, i know i personally have been warned to maintain my se'xy after the kids, so bring out the heels, tight jeans and get your hair done!

@poster first of all id like to ask this - did he behave in the way that you described BEFORE you two got married? if yes why did you go ahead with the marriage?

since you are now married and have a child you now have to look at solutions - if everything you've said is true - he is not behaving like someone who is interested in keeping up his own end of the contract, marriage is NOT a one way agreement it involves TWO parties who BOTH have their parts to play, it doesnt sound like he wants to or knows how to play his own part, since a child is involved your best bet is to try talking first to see if any of the problems you have mentioned can be resolved.

i dont think it is right for a woman to stay in a marriage suffering and smiling all because of what people will say - beleive me you will be worse off in the long run if you continue to allow him to treat you like a doormat.  Try talking to him or get any close relatives who mean well to talk to him. 

You say you are from a rich family - if that is the case cant you get your family to help you get back on your feet so that you can be financially independent and not have to be treated in this manner?

finally as i said above talk - divorce or seperation should be the last resort once every other avenue has been exhausted.

@Iranoladun, your advice is really good, Most women pamper their husbands when they have not given birth,but once they give birth they transfer all the attention to their kids.This is not really good.
Also some women dont keep themselves presentable to their husbands,maybe they believe that he has already married them therefore no going back and they keep themselves out of proportion (if I may be permitted to use this adjective) they dont know that there are some cool chicks out there looking for a man to occupy and once they succeed in occuping your husband there will be no longer space for you in your own husband and by then complain will full everywhere.
Cook good food for your husband,make sure you come close to him and know his need and discuss issues with him,try and show concern over his problems and also contribute good ideas because if you do ,he will always tell you everything. Marriage is not an official afair so try and crack jokes and laugh with your husband often it makes marriage enjoyable.
Women take the final note before I close, make sure you perform your MATRIMONIAL duties on Bed very well towards your husband.Dont do it reluctantly saying afterall we did it yesterday rather let every round of it be done beyond his expectations,thats one of the greatest weapon a woman will use to keep her husband.Do it anyhow ,anywhere and anytime he wants it .Please dont complain.

SA Lady:

Please dont get me wrong, I am not saying you should leave your home. All I am saying is that you should find ways to fend for yourself and take care of the bare necessities, e.g personal hygine, clothes, entertainment, niceties for baby. I'll tell you what, they say the best way to get back at adversity is to kill it with kindness.
This would be your chance to treat your husband in a way that he has never treated you before, like buy him nice things when you start making that money it will eat at his conscience.

Try to make your home as pleasant as possible, when he's away invite family and friends for dinner/lunch and cook up a storm. Make sure that everytime hubby sees you you are always smiling and laughing a LOT. This will make him start asking himself why is he being such a mean person. If nothing changes then I rest my case.

You got the formula, baby. You got it.!! I am a man so I should know what am talking about to confirm to you that unless that man is incorrigibly irresponsible, he is sure to melt when a woman does what you just recommended instead of the infamous nagging

As a man I may see you as lazy ,  my situation is similar to your husbands. Here are my points

1. I easily spot lazy lame women,  Its not as difficult to start a business at-least home based business. Vending i.e things you could sell to friends and family. The type of things you buy and just market over the phone or to people you know around. I believe my baby mama is lame and lazy and always create excuses about the job thing. I made her go for catering and event planning courses while nursing our second son; Now that lazy backside can make cakes from home but still doesn't care about doing anything than ask for money,  I swear the only money she gets is a calculated upkeep money for the house and not to buy are shoes blah blah,  though she get some money randomly when I'm impressed.  though she keeps robbing my wallet; which is dangerous to her health I've warned her!!! ,  I can't believe you guys married us for money only. The intimacy is so horrible that man would prefer to self-service ,  so stop that rubish talk here!! Get a Job!. Personally I'm born entpreneur I hate working 9 to 5. She should emulate me ,  I've adviced her on different stuffs for 4years. I've advised strangers that are now doing well!!!!!!!!! I don't like this woman. She's part of reason I'll never marry! I'll remain single and have kids.

2. My younger brother lives in my house too with my baby sister last one from my mum. They have to take care of the house. How would i be paying their tuitions and feeding them without giving back atleast to the house. Your husband should handle that part they should with you. Because mine doesn't want maids like you ,  I would prefer maids sometimes because I can ask them to do all sorts of odd jobs without complains. Though my younger brother does a lot for me whenever he's around

3. Yeah you know he was drinking before now. And when he married you became very boring person! I swear you very similar to the woman in my house.  All the excitement is from my friends,  though many times I dont have to go far I just stay in my house and we all dirnk together and talk. But she's angry everything she see how happy I'm to have my friends around.

4. I don't do social network though. Its waste of time. And dont have tme to chase girls till I'm ready for another baby mama. I need another house. Any cultural wife on Nairaland? I'm a nice guy. Young too. Not even 30!

5. Religion is just scam! The so called church C.E.O's buying jets from money you guys contributing thats silly!!! You complain you dont have job and still have to give money to those people worse than Nigerian politicians. Spirituality is real. Its in my soul. Forget that thing called religon is just a mind control and political tool by power hungry groups. Even the bible says the temple of GOD is in me. Dont let know man fool you. He's not special than you are. I believe in fellowship; Christianity which means trying to live life like Jesus Christ. And not the organization called CHURCH!

6. You always start the malice by nagging,  and boning face all around the house. Then he withdrawals to himself. Then you get tired of the malice first and start complaining.

7.  Well as you can see I'm not your husband. And you're not my baby mama because I know that lazy backside wont even there come near to the computer. God knows what she does in the house all day.

At a point I was thinking I was just doing my baby mama a favour to let her live in my house. Because everything she does house maids can just do everything without nagging or troubles. I'm a logical thinker. No sentiments. Woman that says she loves you will just turn lion because of money ,   I like if you dont steal from him,  because mine does that And she'll be banned from the upper room soon!

8 Yeah  we got EGO! Most especially if we mistake get change for pocket. Na money no be by fine boy. Btw that doesn't mean I dont look good. But I know its beyond the looks we get older

Who knows that R.Kelly's song? IF it wasnt for the money, cars and jewels all the things I've got? I wonder!!!

chaircover  Re: The Kind Of Husband I Have « #5 on: March 09, 2010, 11:49 AM » 

Sorry, this is an essay but I will like to use myself as an example here.

My simple advise is to put the baby to bed and have a heart to heart with your husband. Crucially, you need to be honest with yourself on if he was like this before you married him and you just choose to ignore his excesses or if he has changed since the wedding.

If he has changed since the wedding then there is still hope that it is a phase and things can get back to normal again

You also have to question him deeply to find out if his attitude is as a result of something that you have done/do/not done etc

I am always reading one marriage book or the other and have just completed the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. I was discussing the book with my husband and asked him which of the 5 languages were his and he just told me point blank that none of them were and that his language wasn’t even listed in the book.

That wiped the snug smile off my face and I said OK so what is it? and he told me that he wanted my trust. When I got him to explain further, he wanted me to know that he wanted me to trust him totally in everything.

All along, I thought that I was being the good wife by making some crucial lone decisions without his input, such as picking holiday destinations, flights, mortgage lenders etc.

I thought that I was avoiding him being stressed or bothered by them, especially when he had other things on his plate but in actual fact it made him feel that I didn’t trust him enough to make good decisions and take care of us all. Thankfully my husband and I talk a lot so we were able to discuss this, otherwise resentment would have just grown over a period of time & I wouldn’t be any the wiser.

Now I make a conscious effort to guide from behind and not to be so much in his face; of course I will not sit back and watch him invest all our life savings in forex or some other non existent get rich scheme. . . . . I will stop him with “style” LOL

Sorry for the essay & back to the poster; call your husband and talk to him. He is your husband . . . emphasis on the “YOUR”. Get him to open up to you and try and take things from there.

Grass is not always greener on the other side and we all have our challenges in our relationships and as SA Lady said please please please try and find yourself a job.

@chaircover
This is a good piece of advice.

Pls, could u advice me genuinely on my case posted on: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-359397.64.html

What I did was bad, I know. Some ladies are attacking me & making me feel terrible about the whole issue. I just need a way forward; sisterly/motherly advice without sentiments as a woman - just like you did to this thread. I saw many people commending you too & chose to come to you as an unbiased umpire.

Pls, take time to read through all my story, my comments/responses to questions. Just do me that favour and God will bless u.

You can also mail me (if u wish). My email addr is in my profile.

The thread again is: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-359397.64.html

Well all you said is about your husband and it might not be all true or may be you too contribute to whats happening to you.May you kindly tell us what kind of wife are you?

I am preggie and heavy and mine expects my car to be always clean, nags about us needing a help when i have explained that with assistance we can both work it out.

I work thankfully and he gives me absolutely no money for house up keep, ive tried to ask, but it always brings trouble. Use some of the money he gives you when he does to buy him something he loves. I get him with icecream


he demands to know how i spend every penny of the money i make and at a time i was submitting monthly cash statement of every pomo and biscuit i buy. I could not cope so refused to continue.

Yours cooks at all? Well mine has never ever, and i dont think ever will not to talk of cleaning, i had to get a weekly cleaning lady when i could not cope and he complains about her rates always. But he assists with laundry though, sure its becos hes more finicky about clothes handling than i am. I am always grateful when he launders and i tell him so.

Bottom line is that i know i am not perfect so cannot expect him to be

i love him with all his wahala and i respect him. Read a book on the love and respect cycle and it makes sence. Respect him unconditionally and results could be good. Dont ever trample on his ego, praise him sometimes, not alot since he thinks he is a fine boy!

Stop complaining, esp when he expects u to.

Try to talk to him, if he would listen, mine hates talks passionately, he believes its a waste of time.

Find other sources of happiness, i dont let my joy depend on any man.

Make friends, bond with your parents or siblings get joy from other sources. When he decides to sulk or ignore me. i watch a movie or read a book, thankfully i get so absorbed that he becomes jealous of the book or movie.

Pet him, cook for him, love him, smile at him, pull his ears, serve him. Mine can demand for food at midnight, i always have a meal ready for him. If he complains the meat is too hard, appologise and next time make sure its soft. Do all this for the love of God and u will be happy.

Be more active on twitter and co, add him as friend and butt into his gists

Good luck!

This all calls for what I like to refer to as a "come to Jesus" meeting or a "real talk." Your husband sounds extremely distracted and I cant begin to imagine how you feel. Ndo oh? But please remember that you have an obligation to your little one to try everything in your power to try and make it work. I would encourage you to - one night - send your daughter to the baby sitter and schedule a time to have aserious conversation about where we are headed as a team/unit. Men are over oblivious sometimes and he may need to hear the words (as in your feelings) come out of your mouth before it hits him. Stay strong, trust in the Lord, do not lean on your own understanding and he will guide your path, He is good like that. Aunty you are strong, you will get through this.

BTW - there is a new premier online community for young, married, Nigerian women in the diaspora - www.naijadivas.com - COMING VERY SOON! Iwill be launching it this weekend. If you would like to share your current story or a success story of your marriage (AMEN!), let me know. Ndo oh?