@OP

It is with heaviness in my heart that I reply to this post. This is my parents' marriage all over again and I can feel your pain because I saw that pain in my mothers' eyes for almost twenty years. She begged, cried, prayed, visited the elders-nothing worked. Maybe that was God's destiny for her; maybe not. She only remained in the marriage because she did not want to leave an uncertain and perilious future for her children. But she really suffered. He treated her like a slave, like a piece of crap. I always wandered what happened while they dated because he was not ordinarily lukewarm to her; he HATED her. I have a theory: I believe he never loved her, was never ready for marriage, probably does not love anybody (apart from maybe his children), and probably only married to fulfil societal pressures. I know the suffering my mum went through and except a miracle happens, you seem to be headed in that direction. My advice is as far as you can, on your own, provide the physical,financial,mental, and material needs of your children to give them a fair chance at a successful life, pack your bags, dust you two slippers/sandals and run for your dear life. If not, and if a miracle does not happen, you will look back in twenty years time at a very unhappy and wrethced existence, and your only consolation maybe your children's success. If you can help your children be successful, dont let that man condemn you to a life of unhappiness. Nobody deserves that.

Do not run to just anybody to look for solutions. Rightly put, God first, and then, a good trustworthy counsellor, whoever that may be. Someone, both of you can trust.

My focus is on you because we cannot read/hear from your husband. Besides, most times we assume its our partner that is having issues when infact we the cause of their worries.

From what I read, its your attitude that might likely be pushing your husband farther. It may not mean that he does not have issues but your attitude is fuelling them even more.

You have been able to identify some things he doesn't appreciate and it seems you are sticking those things up his nose. You must humble yourself and ask yourself very simple and sincere questions as to how all came to me.

From my little understanding, a man neither changes so often nor drastically. Its either he used to do these things before marriage or someone is 'introducing' these traits in him, however, that introduction may be. I stand to be corrected.

You need to sit down and ask yourself a thousand questions even before seeing anyone.

Did he used to carry ladies even when you were in a relationship?
Did he lie about his girlfriends or not?
Did he prefer your company to that of others before marriage?
When did he start staying out? After fights or voluntarily?
Do you bruise his ego so often with your achievements? Very key to a man
How you do speak to him with your achievements staring at his face?
Are you the type that act 'I married you to be my husband'?

May God heal your marriage and make it Heaven on earth, in Jesus' name

Oh! GOD Men of earth. What do we do now with men like these? Do we still cling to the believe that marriage is still the answer no matter what. I am single and my life is complete and yes I can do with a husband for companionship. If I find a partner and he treats me like this then I am going to have to compare my life before marriage and after marrige and there is no way I will come up with answer that all is well in a marriage like this, especially when I know what being alone means.

"Things will get better someday". People have got to realise that tomorrow is not guaranteed. The only gurantee you have is this instant moment, you cant afford to waste it. Today is the best day I know and the best day I've got I shall therefore savour it. I will not be married to you today and wait to be loved by you ten years later. Time waits for no man. My happiness is today, here and now.

Your masculine resentments, anger, hostility please save it for another day maybe when I am dead because in my lifetime there's no room for it. I dont need it.

what BLEEPING advice do u want? do u need an angel to come down and tell u to RUN b4 u do?

larimo:


From what I read, its your attitude that might likely be pushing your husband farther. It may not mean that he does not have issues but your attitude is fuelling them even more.

Are you kidding me?which wife's attitude could push a husband to go have extra marital lovers outside;even up to ten?

It's out of respect for the OP that I won't describe her husband with some adjectives
However,Damysa your marriage or what you call your marriage is only so in language and not in reality,to think you dated this guy for four years  ,well you must  find out if he's married one of those his lovers secretly,if he has,then BEAT IT,if not then you really must do your best to solve this serious issue,seek God's face,there must be a respectable person known to you and your husband,go talk to them,if he's a christian then talk to his pastor,get him to commit to make changes just as you too in order to make this work.
If you try this once,JUST ONCE and he doesn't change,then BEAT IT,leave that man,he neither loves nor deserves you,else you may look back ten-twenty years from now and regret not leaving him now

@ all,

I resumed work this morning to see that my post has ran into several pages, I am so relief knowing that I people still care.
wot can I ever do without u guys at this point. I greatly appreciate, I will read over the replies and respond afterwards.

Once again thank u all

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK

There are two camps:

Camp stay married
Camp head for the hills


How about reaching heaven and God asking you what you did with your destiny and your reply: I gave it up for my marriage

We all have only 1 life. and you can be happy

hi, am a friend in the house and i believe what am about to tell u will help u if u do it because am married also, its just that we all have different challenges but this method work for me and i believe it will work for u also.
1. get dis film title "fire proof", watch the film and study the couple am sure u will gain something in the film
2.Give ur life to christ, and ur home let God take charge of ur thinking, character, attitude, ur husband, ur child
3.be a prayerful wife. tell God what u want concerning ur husband, the change,
4.Your husband background is not right, its mother is not with his father and its flow into the next generation which is ur own, u need to pray concerning generational cause
5.trust God to do it, avoid exchanges for words with ur husband
6. be romantic with him, get him gift, call him to hear is voice, take him out
7. spend time with him and the things he love most eg food, games, movies etc
8.invest in urself, be busy and plan for the future of ur child
9.Get to know the major priority of ur husband, what he desire?
10. Read ur scripture daily to guide u in all that you do
if u can try dis and i believe it will work
have a great day,

Hmmmm!!!! Have been so busy all day but hey thanks once more.

First and foremost I thank God for giving me the strength to keep on this far.

For now I will maintain the status quo, will try out all the tips I find useful from your replies and see how things goes. I use to pray so well but when things became this worst I have been so weak in prayer.

My mom keep saying  I should say put that even if he has to marry another wife let her come and meet me there , that I have to explore all areas b4 leaving.

Please guys am not playing a saint here neither am I washing my dirty Linen in public but even though I might not get help here (which I have gotten immensely) I just wanna pour my heart out and be light.

There seems to be some powerful forces at work in my marriage, everything seems to be so complicated. A critical look at my husband shows that he doesn’t really have a background per se though he doesn’t wanna own up but I  think might also be a reason for his attitude. Eg when he travel he doesn’t stay with his father nor mother, most of his sisters have left their husband’s houses, the younger lover the mother is with is a native doctor, most of his mother’s sisters over 40+are not married, his father married upto 4 wives etc I just wonder how I got myself entangled in this whole thing.

To be truthful I never saw any of this treats in him, I met him as a Christian and we wedded in court and church. Looking back now I know better, he deceived me into marrying him in that he was been very secretive and I didn’t know until very late. Shortly before the wedding I learnt from someone about his background I was very shock, right there and then I called off the weeding plans. my mom too was so dumfounded and said I should see a pastor which I did, the pastor said from what he can see, I will regret for the rest of my life if I should marry him.

Well I told my husband to be then I was calling off the weeding plans and there was no going back, he asked why and I told him my findings and that I was not ready to live in misery all my life and that he been so secretive mean he could be very deadly as well. Even before I could finish he started wailing and crying like a baby. He said he has been afraid that a day like this will come but he didn’t know how to tell me, that he was so ashamed that will run away if he had told me and that he has been begging his mother to quit the affair. I still maintain my ground, he would come wailing and crying at my house everyday and within days he was like a shadow of himself. He kept saying that I should help him that I shouldn’t abandon him when he needs me most. that we should take up the fight together, I told him the fight was not worth the sacrifice and that he should look 4 some1 else.

Somehow he searched my phone I saw the pastor’s number and called him telling him that he was dying that he should pls help. Later the pastor invited us over to Benin from Lagos, he interrogated him and he poured out every thing to him without any resentment and was asked if he was willing to be delivered from generational caurses? he submitted himself up for 3 days deliverance and after which the pastor said the coast was now clear, Infact we stayed inside the church day and night for 3 days, just d 2 of us and the pastor. We then married afterwards. He assured me that all was well that he is just a victim of circumstance and that together we can make a formidable force, now I don’t believe him anymore.

To worsen everything my husband now lie about every Goddamn thing Gooooossh am so sick of this man, right before my very eyes he would cook up a lie against me that anybody that hears him will believe.

At the slightest provocation he calls my mom, if my phone is not going he calls my mom, if he doesn’t meet me at home he calls my mom, if the baby is crying he calls my mom ehnnn, he has become so immature so very childish, he 38 while am 31+ he cannot handle any little matter on his own. Outsiders runs our home even when my house help was misbehaving he would still call my mom……… oh God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I came back from work and my house help was gone, he didn’t bother we should report to the police, the next day as we were going out I told me I will drop by the police station the make a report he said no, we can still wait after 24hrs, I was so uncomfortable knowing that it could be very dangerous for me and I needed a defence and he was not going to assist me in anyway, infact he was going to laugh me to scorn should there be any problem. I stubbornly went to the station immediately he called my mom that I had ran off to meet a man because he offered to drop me off at school, I was so shocked.


My people una don try, only God fit help me out of this situation. I go try my best if I no fit again I go commot make I no go die because of marriage abeg.  How many I go fit talk

Please you know what you need to do. You are a smart woman. I wonder why your help left though and why your husband does not want you to find her

Poster i commiserate with u on all u've had to go thru. Your hubby is truly possessed.
I belong to the 'camp head for the hills', just like sb said.
However, with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

But i also think in ur case, separation is necessary, until a certain time.
You must not die in that marriage.
God bless u.

Now that you know there is a spiritual angle to it, you need to ask God for direction. i was going to say move out of the house so that you can get your head screwed on, but i think it is important you hear the voice of God. Dont be surprised if you have a strong feeling that you move out for sometime, but at the same time don't be afraid if God says you have to fight the battle from within. also whatever he does, take it that he doesn't really know what hes doing and so don't get annoyed.

Am sure you counted your losses when you decided to marry him, maybe now is the time to fight for what really belongs to you. Nobody has an answer except God. you can try calling that pastor again for spiritual guidance. I will say a word of prayer for you afterall, what are nairalanders for, you know. Best of luck girl

He never misses an opportunity to tell you to leave home with your child, his daughter.

Despite the fact that his family hardly visits you, they have already badmouthed and condemned you as a bad and evil person.

He has 10 lovers, and those are the ones you know.

You are currently getting treatment for STD. Ati be be lo . . .

And this ain't enough for you to pick race and do a runner, albeit for a temporary period. I guess you are one of those Nigerians who believes that HIV/AIDS is just a "kokoro" which can be extracted and cured, okay oh, it is well.

Berra go and seek that your Pastor out or strengten your faith and seek God's face and ask him what is next on the horizon.

^^^^^^ this babe is too mush---- hahahaha!

@Poster.
Am sorry about the ill treatment you are receiving from your husband. That is not fare at all but since we don't know him, it is only u we can advice and that means it is only you that can change things.

My Opinions:
1) Your husband sees u more as a competitor than a wife and friend.
2) He feels threathened because u r more enterprising than he his.
3) Communication in the home is more of attacks than compliments.

My Advice:
1) Use your enterprising skills to help your husband.
2) Down play your own business or goal, and put his b4 yours.
3) Soft words can be more powerful than nuclear weapons. Use them.
4) A round of sex will definitely ease of some of his tensions. (lol).

Goodluck.

the pastor said from what he can see, I will regret for the rest of my life if I should marry him.


                                         




                                                      you made your bed, - lie in it












.

^^^ She broke up with him after this but the guy retrieved the Pastor's number from her phone and made contact, and this same Pastor later sanctioned the union.

I am sorry you found out all this buggage about him before you had to commit to him (maybe it was a wake up call).


but



you still went ahead. you allowed him to beg you into giving in.  listen one of you was gonna suffer, he was if you left him, or you if you went ahead.  but now look. its you.

are you still gonna keep suffering in the hope that mysteriously it will all work out, wake up and stop dreaming and save the rest of your life.  

I wont advocate divorce (its not my place)  but seperation yes.  maybe then he will fight for you (to come back to crap )

YOU have to hear God for yourself.  no one can.  and follow that voice.  I hate to say it but your on your own.
its your choice whather the rest of your life is good or bad.  but it really really can be good - you must fight this.

was he (the pastor) paid to save the union?


how do you even do that? with all the evident buggage.


pre marriage counselling is meant to find out if peeps are compatible.

if yes -good, if not yey - you will save someone a lifetime of misery.

.

You are a good lady.

And your heart is pure (ofcourse you are not perfect) - but i can sense your heart.

Some people on this site said things like maybe you made him feel threatened by your success and crap like that. It doesnt work that way. A relationship CAN survive a successful spouse - it just takes maturity. And i know they go through phases, and men change and stuff, but there is a limit.

Its not fair for you to carry all this weight. You are honest to yourself - i can tell, but take time to really think. And think hard.

this is a battle you were created to face - its a test you must pass. whether you stay married or not - you can come out of this properly. your daughter doesnt need this. you can see.

sometimes they say seperation cause maybe your husband needs time alone to grow up. you certainly dont need him to put you or your daughter through that. get some time, clear your head and hers, and counsell her.

poster

your marriage will not crash if you do not want it to crash in Jesus Amen.
irrespective of what i write, you have to PUSH (Pray untill Something Happens)

i will like to know if your husband beats you, and if you've got any issue for him,

1 if the answer to my first question is No, then he still got some level of respect for you which can be converted to love.

2 you equally need to know that men are polygamous in nature and u must watch the way you confront them on this issue of extra-marital affair.

3. i will equally advise that you give him a beat of quite i mean stop nagging him with his wrongs

be a quite good wife:

wash his cloth, cook and serve his food even if he will not eat, make sure you always look good and clean(Ur hair, night gown, body spray, e.t.c)

4. in addition to all this, contact your pastor and prayer group for prayers.

5. if you are a Christan, let me tell you something that works for me; always tie your need to a seed.

challenge God with your substance be it in cash or kind, ask him to restore your marriage and see what will happen

Well you need to lock yourself up and pray until something good happens.

@ iyaski, i support ur principles, (pray, and improve urself, love him more and work on urself to bring back the love that once brought u guys together). thats good and i hope the person involved will find a lasting solution wt this. THERE'S NO PROBLEM WITHOUT SOLUTION. Stay blessed and fulfilled in ur marriage

I sure know that I am on my own and so will have to take my destiny in my hands.

No the pastor wasnt paid and they never met until we arrived Benin.
Actually it was after he related everything to the pastor and underwent deliverance, that he said since the yoke has been broken we could go ahead (I never knew the pastor until  my mom gave me his number).

I must be frank to say that there was obvious sincerity in his eyes, his whole world was crashing and he needed help and he willingly submitted himself up to be helped.
And again all through our dating period he was all good and the pastor said since it was a foundational problem and it has been taken care of spiritually that he was now ok. Now he doesn’t even pray.

I am a very strong woman on the inside and I know my life is mine alone. I have actually been doing a lot of thinking these days, that was why I came to NL to see well different perspectives to the matter other than the people around me.

I am giving it my best and final shot right now and earnestly waiting to see how it plays out. I am not prepared to live in this trash  all through my life, certainly not.
Still wanna keep my fingers crossed and thank God I am graduating now.

I allowed sentiments took d better part of me the first time but not any more. Will do what I know is best for me and my daughter, she is the only reason for my existence right now. Funny enough she seems to know wot is happening; anytime we are beginning to raise voices she starts to cry profusely infact my hobby stopped beating me cos of her cries. She is so emotional and has not been allowing daddy carry her like before, she look so much like the dad but took my fair complexion. I could feel the psychological trauma she is going through; certainly not good for her. I will do wot ever it takes to protect her

I got tired of reading some of the bad advises proffered here. Lady, do you actually think life will be back to normal if you leave? I'm trying to see things from your husbands perspective. Firstly you seem to have Everything going for you. Seems you have no use for his money, no use for him on bed, you Require no emotional support, he basically has nothing to look forward to from you. It seems you bring him into the picture when you have already decided on what to do.
He doesn't feel like a man because it seems you are the man. Why would he want to bring you down if you don't rub it in his face? Your marital problems seem big an insurmountable when it basically boils down to respect. Smart women know what they want and know how to make it look like their husband brought up the idea, money, whatever. You just haven't made your husband feel like he rules over you & until you do these problems of your wouldn't go away. Trust me its going to be more difficult out there without your husband. Why would your husband want your downfall? Does he feel what is yours is his or he feels you're trying to be the boss? You're stepping on his ego so he is on self destruct button. He like you knows what he wants but I think you're too busy and too self centered to see that. If you show him that he and all that is his is your main priority you probably will see the change you crave. Above all you need to fast & pray. Probably in hitting the self destruct key he brings home powers & principalities from the pits of hell all in the name of pleasure seeking. Lay hold to your husband probably as a child that's the only way he can get your attention. May the grace of the Lord be with you. Amen.

Hi ant. Iam actually writing cos I am an SAP SD consultant here in London as well and I thought us ladies should compare notes on whats happening in the industry nowadays. Sorry this isnt about broken (or breaking ) homes.

Sleekman your advice is bad



Ok must she get another STD and they then both land up dead? what use is that




clever people are not saying divorce but seperation - UNTIL HE GROWS UP
the dude has 10 women for goodness sake, its not a marriage struggling were by he has
one other woman - 10!

you probably cheated on your wife tons of times and are expecting this one to lay low forever too.


so stop using your poisonous medicine on other cases. "sleek" man indeed

Sleekman it is said that in marriage they are no longer two but one, wife be submissive to ur husband, husband love your wife. I might not be perfect but am strong. Did u read my initial post thoroughly if not please go back and read the part where I said I tried to discuss our problems with him but he wouldn’t give me audience. He keeps saying I don’t trust and respect him cant he just point them out. If he feels am overriding him and playing the man cant he call me to order, okay how do I right my wrongs when I don’t know where I have erred.

It might interest u to know that it was as a result of his bullies that I discovered I could run a supermarket. I always share my dreams and aspirations with him like wot I will like to became in 10yrs, how I intend to climb my career ladder and stuffs like that (he is a career person too). Sleekman do u know wot he tells me? “your mates are in the market selling, some are doing business” even b4 marriage we already discussed our paths in life, now see the responses he gives me. It was cos of his pressure and bullies about being a career person that I decided to be looking out for what I could do by the side. This supermarket business was supposed to be a joint business but it’s coming out to be that am the only that is now involve, that was actually why I told him that am married but I feel so single taking all the decisions myself, I said this in my initial post. I did a market survey around my area and discovered supermarket could strive, I then brought it up for discussion. We were meant to be looking for a store together, raise funds etc he never came home to say I did this or that about the business even when I later got the shop, I told him he said he didn’t have money, God saw me through that, I discussed the store partitioning with him and that we will need a carpenter he didn’t bother, when I eventually got and pleaded with him to negotiate with him he said I should go ahead. At the end I found that I did everything all by myself and was not really happy then I went up to meet him and asked that why should it be me a woman taking all the decisions.

I am only 31 and am just graduating from school (doing my thesis) it is not that my foots are so strong but I know wot I want.

Sleekman I know how to worship and adore my man, I know how to say am sorry, I always seeks to improve on myself attitude wise. Since I have failed please I will oblige u teach me cos I really wanna learn.

damysa ive been following this post and i do feel for you - however i think you've really got to prioritise what is in your best interests and not look at things in terms of what people will say, first of all your health and the well being of your child should come first, from what you have revealed your husband has put your health at risk by conducting a highly promiscuous lifestyle.  not only are you at risk of hiv but other std's which despite not being as fatal as hiv can still lead to infertility ie chlamydia, herpes, i think you need to put this at the forefront of your mind.  secondly you are right when you say that you are alone in the marriage, marriage is a partnership between two people - yes there will be ups and downs however both parties must be willing to compromise and work together, you cant be the only one pleading, crying, begging and adapting while the other party continues with their bad behaviour, once you accept that as the way to be in  your marriage you will officially become a victim of abuse, your husband will know that no matter how bad he treats you you will never challenge or confront him you will absorb it and there will be no incentive for him to change - unfortunately that is how abusers behave, many of them have no conscience and their sole aim in relationships is to dominate and control.  You might ask why does he want to control you well first of all he is intimidated by your intelligence and success he finds it threatening, most men dont like to be around let alone be married to women who are more successful than themselves, this is his own way of cutting you down to size, his ego is extremely fragile, however he is going about things the wrong way, what he should really do is talk and tell you how emasculated he feels when you succeed at things ie your supermarket business  - that way he opens up to you which im sure you will appreciate, if he were to do this both of you could address the problem in a mature and calm way, both of you could be open about how to resolve things without you trampling on his ego and without him demeaning and humiliating you with his promiscuous lifestyle.  

no marriage is easy however it is up to the two people involved to accept that each party has its own part to play and no matter how much one person wants things to work the marriage will be doomed if only one person is doing all the adapting, crying, pleading and praying.  i hope you find a way to make things work - remember your child did not ask to be born into these circumstances and she should now be your number one priority,  dont expose her to an unhealthy environment as she will absorb all the negativity and it may affect her psychologically later on in life - hope things work out.