Chubhie:
I think 10 thousand dollars would've saved this marriage. quite sad.

You must dedicate the rest of your life towards working hard to provide the best living experiences to those innocent kids of yours.

Now, you miss your wife? really? I guess your penis would've risen that night your wife came to you if you have anticipated today's reality?

A prayer for the dead and signpost for the blind perhaps?

"10000 dollars would have save this marriage "


this must be a female talking..

tell me why can't she work for a while and raise part of the money.... I feel like slapping your mouth because some of you will be so lazy to source for money but you want to heap monstrous burden on your husbands. some of you have no heart at all ...


do you think paying back debt is an easy task nonsense

kunleajaye:
Some people here are still not getting the point, and that's because they didn't read my earlier thread on the issue -

1. The whole thing started when we got here some years ago. We were happily married for almost a year before we relocated. The reason for the relocation was because I got admitted for my doctorate degree. I didn't want to leave her back home alone, so we came together.

2. For the first year or so after coming here, she did nothing. She had our first baby about two months after our arrival. She spent the time caring for the little one. At some point, she started receiving orders for baby clothes from people in Nigeria. That's when the whole idea of business started.

3. Due to the "collect goods today, pay tomorrow" mentality of some of her customers, the business didn't really thrive for long. After a while, the whole crisis of the naira and the inability of her customers to pay ruined the whole thing for her. She decided to stop. By then, I suggested that in order not to remain idle, I would apply for her masters degree study for her. By then, she had already had the twins.

4. I guess she found out she was quite good at business, and I think someone suggested to her here to import african fabrics and wears.


The thing then continues to the initial thread and then that's what led to this point.

The state you're right now, you're on self denial mood. You'll blame yourself for everything,cook up excuses for her, then go into depression afterward with sobbing. In few months from now, sanity will creep into you to think logically.

An ex of mine took her husband over a 500km distance journey to pay me a visit and see how she was falling over me in the presence of her hubby and I felt pity for the guy. Mind you she has divorced her first husband she left me for cos the man understood quickly she never loved him. This is more than 7 years we separated and guess what, we chatted on WhatsApp just now cos she's holidaying in the USA as I type. Now imagine what present hubby will be passing through emotionally just like you.

As I Christian I know my boundary and will never do anything to interfere in her marriages but could she stop communicating with me, No.

As long as I live, she'll always feel that affection and attraction. I deflowered her anyway.

That's your wife situation.

kunleajaye:


Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

.

DO TAKE TIME TO COME HOME AND SETTLE D ISSUES FINALLY B4 ITS TOO LATE FOR U ALL. WE ARE AFRICANS, OUR PARENTS ARE KEY TO SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES. OBEY GOD'S COMMAND. DON'T FOLLOW OYIBO BEHAVIOR TO SPOIL URSELVES AND UR MARRIAGE.

Chubhie:
I think 10 thousand dollars would've saved this marriage. quite sad.

You must dedicate the rest of your life towards working hard to provide the best living experiences to those innocent kids of yours.

Now, you miss your wife? really? I guess your penis would've risen that night your wife came to you if you have anticipated today's reality?

A prayer for the dead and signpost for the blind perhaps?

by baby124 :
Leave her and let her be. She probably married really young and she needs to discover herself and why she wants to stay married. A temporary separation is fine. Just make sure your mum has access to visiting and spending time with your kids. With time, she will either work towards the marriage or tell you she wants a divorce.
I think she wants to pursue her own dreams and America is not the place for her. Believe it or not, abroad is not for everyone. I like that you stood against the loan as you could not afford to pay it. That is the attributes of a responsible man financially. But you are very reckless sexually, MouthAction could cause STDs. So you have put your wife and children in danger. A stripper for that matter, what were you thinking? The way you described it with so much pleasure is extremely disturbing. You need to do better and respect yourself.
Her own head is still filled with big dreams of what she can do. She knows she is intelligent, so she refused to settle for a regular job. To be honest the Nigerian fashion industry is doing well. So she may be well positioned in Nigeria for the business she wants to do.





this is a responsible girl's comment

Fourwinds:
how are we sure she is not planning to give her cookies to Awwal too....hmmmmm.

Exactly!!!

Kei144:
It is not good to be looking for a wife during NYSC or to marry when you haven't established your direction in life. I know that it is customary for Yorubas to marry so early in life. The story in the OP is just the result of such an early marriage. The stress of two young people coping with the demands of a full-fledged family when they are not standing well on their feet took a great toll on the emotions of the two married youths. If the man were a little more experienced, he would have been able to manage the emotional reactions of the wife even when he is financially challenged. He would have tried to accommodate the wife's reactions to the hardship she was experiencing; it takes some maturity.

Let this be a lesson to younths who get engaged in the university or during NYSC. Don't rush into marriage without being sure that you are ready. When the heat comes, all the beauty that caused the attraction that led to marriage become obscured.

True talk....If u think your girlfriend is giving u headache, just wait till u marry her and if u think dating is difficult, wait till u get married...

Ladyhippolyta88:
Oya go and try polygamy.The thing is some women would not kill themselves because of marriage and they now have options,so she won't have time to compete with another woman because she is not an housewife.The polygamy excuse has no weight because a lot of women won't kill themselves because of marriage they would gladly leave if they discover discomfort.

my brother,we are in very tight corner,if we men fail to learn other tactics,i tell you,women will take over leadership from us and that is a coup! my brother dont mind me,i hate polygamy but i beg, can you profer solution to this women problem? where can a man find a loyal woman? education and gender equality is making them mad! maybe ehn,we need to visit farms regularly now,i perceive that is where we can find good wives for now.

You had 69 with a stripper, seriously

-I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.
-I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife
-I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage
-My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay( family economy really facing recession)
-I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore.
-She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares.
-Our sex life became virtually non-existent.(marriage killer)
-I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone.(affair with the stripper)
-They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one( I guess she is scared of STDs and fear for her life)
OP ,I TOOK SOME POINTS FROM YOUR TWO POST AND I KNOW TIMES ARE TOUGH FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY (you don't care, financially wise and it shows your wife is concerned and it affected your love life ) I know how a man feels when finances are not forthcoming and she feels she can support the family . i don't see AWWAL as a threat ,she said so to make you jealous . i believe she came back to Nigeria for you to miss her. Don't allow her to stay too long almost 3 months without professing your love for her and send your brothers and friends here in Nigeria to beg and talk to her. lastly BEAUTY FADES (pretty face and hips) BUT TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES.

I know your wife and she might be reading this

The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

Guy you no dey tell us about ur wife wahala again o

sauceEEP:
You had 69 with a stripper, seriously

..

Off all the girls roaming about in his neighbourhood...
Op@ please see the Movie; The blue-eyed butcher...it's based on an event in the US

masterchi:
Guy grow some guts and balls and fight for ur marriage except u are happy to let go.

I concur. Please fight for it. Don't let it hit the rock just like that.

Ladyhippolyta88:
Oya go and try polygamy.The thing is some women would not kill themselves because of marriage and they now have options,so she won't have time to compete with another woman because she is not an housewife.The polygamy excuse has no weight because a lot of women won't kill themselves because of marriage they would gladly leave if they discover discomfort.

haha,i am sorry for addressing you as a male.but seriously,i have fasted and prayed for a good wife and yet could not find anyone,making things worst,the testimonies from married men are hopless than my situation.my sister,dont you think we should try the fishing camps,farms,palmwine camps,ranches and even fulani camps for wives? there women face their husbands businesses and not theirs.abeg no personalise am abeg,na bad wife na im make person dey crase for nairaland so but good ones dey sha but where them dey? show me the road,i swear i go find am go.i am ready.i need a wife!!!!

Marriage is an institution ordained by God and kept for "men and women". Devil who is always against anything instituted by God always attack it. You went wrong when you started seeing another woman. The Devil got you right there. At that point, God took his leave. You are now alone and that stripper will soon taste bitter in your mouth cos there's nothing like family after God. Go before Jesus sincerely and ask him to help you. He always give people another chance though some damages might never be undone in your marriage because sin is a destroyer. Take hold of this opportunity to get closer to your maker and watch him lead you back into the arms of the people you cherish. Do this and thank me later.

jbhitler:
my brother,we are in very tight corner,if we men fail to learn other tactics,i tell you,women will take over leadership from us and that is a coup! my brother dont mind me,i hate polygamy but i beg, can you profer solution to this women problem? where can a man find a loyal woman? education and gender equality is making them mad! maybe ehn,we need to visit farms regularly now,i perceive that is where we can find good wives for now.

I believe in gender equality(equal rights and opportunities)and I am not mad.Which farms and I don't believe leadership is meant for gender just prove yourself and you will get it.About the wives just look for a lady that shares some of your view on things and whom you feel you are compatible with.

kunleajaye:


Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

"At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States..." This is what I have been waiting for!
Go and son no more, you've just spotted your error. Don't go look for trouble abeg. Let her be. I won't say it again.

gonea02, luminouz and Oyindidi, could you kindly resend the PM requests?

What is your present status in America. Are you still on F1 student VISA? If you are,what's your initial plan for settling in America?

Stop seeing the stripper,find a way to talk to your wife,talk to your children. Western culture brings lot of stress and pressure. Many Nigerian families in Western world are passing through similar experience or even tougher. Are you not hearing of husband's killing their wives in America? Your case is not the worse.

.

kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

kunleajaye:
gonea 02, lum..inouz and Oy .indidi, could you kindly resend the PM requests?

Done

jbhitler:
haha,i am sorry for addressing you as a male.but seriously,i have fasted and prayed for a good wife and yet could not find anyone,making things worst,the testimonies from married men are hopless than my situation.my sister,dont you think we should try the fishing camps,farms,palmwine camps,ranches and even fulani camps for wives? there women face their husbands businesses and not theirs.abeg no personalise am abeg,na bad wife na im make person dey crase for nairaland so but good ones dey sha but where them dey? show me the road,i swear i go find am go.i am ready.i need a wife!!!!

If you like fast and pray if you are not ready to act on yourself and make a decision on the type of woman you want you would remain single.And marriage failure is not caused by ladies alone,to me if a marriage fail both of them failed and if it succeeds they both succeed it is not tied to one gender.Who is the "we"oya go to the idp camps or any of the camps goodluck on your search but as for me I know what I want which is a partner,bestfriend and a companion I want an egalitarian relationship and dem nor dey for camp.As for me I am facing my on business and not another persons business.

I like her hustling spirit o, but dislike her stubbornness.

issues like this are the reasons i don't fancy over-intelligent ladies.

Ladyhippolyta88:
If you like fast and pray if you are not ready to act on yourself and make a decision on the type of woman you want you would remain single.And marriage failure is not caused by ladies alone,to me if a marriage fail both of them failed and if it succeeds they both succeed it is not tied to one gender.Who is the "we"oya go to the idp camps or any of the camps goodluck on your search but as for me I know what I want which is a partner,bestfriend and a companion I want an egalitarian relationship and dem nor dey for camp.As for me I am facing my on business and not another persons business.

wait a minute,i must confess,you are begining to interest me.can i know you better? joke apart please.remember this is january.

marriage dey fear me.I can't imagine myself this unhappy

Nutase:
Congratulations..... Now you can turn the stripper to a wife.

Those strippers have more morals than most naija girls.

I don't believe your marriage is over, if truely you want to rebuild your union, just find a suitable time to travel back home and involve both families to engage in reconciliation talks and let her know that you have realized your mistakes by promising her to support her dreams of becoming entrepreneur while you'll continue to talk with your children...

Try it... you'll laugh at last because your children are your futuristic joys

SIaye:


Guy come naija make i give you charm for free when you use go use tie your wife well she will never misbehave, she will forever love you. Nor be long story, if you need come get it, i know how it feels to be in love and your partner they misbehave that's why I want to help you if you need it.

Don't mind this guy o .

No jokes but walai I don read this story before

I find the comments of most females here distasteful. They're all blaming the man for turning to another woman forgetting his wife has been denying him sex for eons.

To my second point, let's flip the script ladies. You're in the heat of an argument with your husband (not boyfriend or fiance please), and he tells you to your face he regretted choosing you over some other girl he was romantically involved with at a point.

Yes, the OPs wife told him to his face that (after five years of being married to her) she still prefered the other guy. She crossed the line at this point and NO MAN, worth his name will take this insult.

And yes, it was after she not just rejected him in the bedroom, but also voiced her rejection to his face that he was pushed to the other lady. Personally, I'll never have an erectïon for such a woman again, because I'll just find it hard to get it out of my head that she's just giving me a pity fvck.

Perhaps untill y'all understand the importance of sex (to a man) in marriage, y'all shouldn't get married.

I'm curious why she left USA and relocated to Nigeria with the present harsh economic situation of the country.Is Awwal in Nigeria and yet to marry?If Awwal is still unmarried,her heart is still fixated on him and she may have relocated to Nigeria for them to seal their love.You should come down to Nigeria for the both families to intervene in the matter with a view to settling it,but if she insists that the marriage is over,then fight for the possession of your children.I don't support the idea of her keeping the children while you send money periodically for their upkeep.If she truely loves her children and considers the consequencies of divorce on them,she may change her mind and return to you.But,for people to suggest that you send money to her periodically for children's upkeep while Awwal "samples' her here in Nigeria is not acceptable to me.Come home first and let her open up,from there you may have a clue of what really bothers her.Lastly,stop going to the whores for sexual satisfaction.Gudluck!

I think one of the reasons for frustration in this marriage is that the OP brought in naija style of marriage,the type where duties are relegated to woman type and man type.

Op you both failed to work together and support each other.You mentioned something about the children going hungry and I want to ask if you are handicapped?So you were busy marking time and waiting for hunger to finish your children because it's your wife's job to feed them? Both of you should have been able to work with and round each other.If She's in school ,you deal with home stuff,if you are in school she does home stuff.This is the only way to survive abroad especially for a couple who are still finding their feet.

You both can choose one thing after another esp with her own ambition..na turn by turn till you stabilise.A happy loving home situation with calm discussions would have taken care of this.After all,you love each other.

Its easy to see how she became cold towards you.Stress and thinking de kill am.She left Naija not really knowing what America is.You sef hustling and school stress would make things more tense at home.All you both need is understanding & working side by side.You must drop all your preconceived notions about marriage and forge your own style.

Its veey disappointing that at the smallest hint of trouble you went to a stripper and worst of all you were doing 69..no hiv test,you don't know if she has herpes,you carried your wide mouth and chooked inside stripper Kini..

Your wife was wrong ,very very wrong for the words she said,it was below the belt.Please forget Awaan,she CHOSE you,she CHOSE to be with you.People hurt each other and say horrible things sometimes when arguing especially as a semi newly married couple.She tried to atone by offering herself to you and she was humiliated by your rejection/ lack of erection..
She really had no choice but to leave and have some space.

This marriage is very young & can be salvaged.Its not too late.The time apart can help you both re evaluate & decide to help each other out.Ambition when supported within reason can yield massive fruits

Go and save your marriage,kpatakpata wear red pant..Good luck