Postpone the marriage. The calls from his ex, on a regular basis should convince you that the girl may be emotionally attached to the guy.

my sista!tell yourself the truth.D guy is cheating on you.Postpone then maybe even cancel the wedding. Do it first b4 he shocks u, (hearing he is getting married to someone else)Takia

thats wat comes with long distance relationships, guess u have to move on,cos thats how,cheating starts.though it'll be painful but u have to move on, or contend with sharing your man.

someone has a 9 year relationship still going strong, someone still calls his babe every single day, someone made an effort to convince his fiancee to relocate to Nigeria and someone has plans to marry his babe and all you people can do is to advise the girl to ditch him just because of a few calls? I mean, gimme a frigging break!

I have many female friends (hell, even my best friend is a girl!) and i love talking on the phone. at times it irritates my girlfriend, but nothing is happening! It gets to a level, since i know she isn't too keen on the idea, but if i need to answer a call from one of them, i leave the room! Does this mean i'm cheating? NO! My girlfriend has several male friends, i don't sweat it when a guy calls her. the only time i lost it was when some dude called at about 3am (Glo midnight call), i took the phone and let him have it!

The guy knows his babe doesn't like it when he's chatting with other females, when he shows enough sensitivity not to answer the phone in front of the woman you people upbraid the guy for being a cheat. Any ape can talk with anyone and pretend it's a business call, can't they?

@poster
don't let bitter, cynical people here (like the 2 people above me, among others) spoil your fun. ask yourself questions couched in solid logic; If he didn't want you, why move for you to relocate?!
rather, focus on why you hung on for 9 years when you don't even completely trust the guy.

This could be making a mounting out of a mole hill.

Let us forget about calls from other members of the

female species. I do get calls from them also ( don't fret )

The issue here is about the emtional attachment they both

have for each other. Even as at the moment we are discussing

This, how does he react to her presence? Is he making out like

he doesn't want her again or does it sound to her like he is

pretending? At times I do act strangely so much so that I realise it myself

and I end up laughing and of course we make up, what else is there to do?

Now my advice: First what date is the propose wedding? If it is in 3 months or more

do not postpone. Just sit him down and talk things over with him and again set your

priority straight, if it is him you want then stay here with him. Heck! it is even difficult for us

staying here with our spouses to stick to them much less him that has his abroad. you

come say four times a year and stay how many months with him? Two weeks? or more?

You need to talk things over with him and where the fault is from you, apologise and where

it is from him forgive him and both of you turn a new leave. This is a minor issue.

Like my beloved sister said, you can call the ex and have a heart to heart talk with her.

Remember civility

Postpone the marriage. But what about his family members? What are they saying. Are they aware of the changes? Why not confide in anyone of them and see what information you can get. Marriage is not what you rush into because its a long time market.

These are my thought and mine alone, and points to what I would think/do if I were wearing your shoes.

Your fiance has a good number of female friends he is playing second fiddle with. These are his alternatives should things fall apart between the two of you. They serve as his buffer.

While you may not be his ideal woman, (nobody suits that description), you are however No.1 on his list because amongst other things, you have a secure job IN THE UK. Even when you relocate, it still is a splendid internationally mobile job function. That is a plus to the financial security of his prospective family (with you).

Nine years or nine months, it's all the same considering that he's in Naija and you're in the UK. Never underestimate the power of distance. While he will not jeopardise your relationship with him (even though he already is), he may not let go of all those chicks in naija especially his ex. They will continue to creep around and meddle in your stuff every now and then.

So, which way forward? Better lay the facts to him on the table. Tell him what you think is going on. If you're wrong, he will prove you wrong. If he cannot, then you've got to be right.

As for the wedding, postpone. I hope you realise that most (say 80%) contemporary Nigerian men consider dating outside marriage as normal. Many will never admit this even to themselves, but their actions buttresses my opinion. This doesn't make me any happy, but it simply is the bitter truth.

I may sound a bit hard, but so is divorce, separation, infidelity, and life, sometimes.

@Rhea
why try to insinuate the guy needs her for financial security? She did say the guy has a fantastic job!
i think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. besides, this only proves that you ladies aren't entirely reasonable at times; She's upset that he gets many female callers, yet she shouldn't worry about the kind of message she's passing across to him by postponing the marriage?
Hell, if i was engaged and my fiancee postponed the marriage for reasons due to distrust (distrust which she shouldn't even have) i'd feel SHE wasn't the serious one.
If the guy takes it without question that she's faithful to him overseas, why shouldn't she? What's wrong with the guy talking to other females? What happened to relationships ending in friendship? why can't he talk to his ex? is that so abnormal?

anyway, i'm done talking on this issue. if she's smart, she'll think carefully before making a decision. and i still think many of you on this forum dispense advice to others based on your own personal relationships.

Only God knows how many relationships here have been soured by bands of bitter, cynical women . Afterall, 99% of the time you girls advocate breakups

texazzpete:


If the guy takes it without question that she's faithful to him overseas, why shouldn't she? What's wrong with the guy talking to other females? What happened to relationships ending in friendship? why can't he talk to his ex? is that so abnormal?

Why are you talking like you KNOW that there isnt something there? Just because there isnt anything supposedly happening between you and your girls doesnt mean that it's the same situation here. Is your gf miles away from you? Nothing is wrong with postponing it until they finally talk it out and come to a respectable decision.

Postpone it and come and marry me

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm! For a nine year old relationship.
Girl! u guys need to sit down and talk. Be Careful not to take decisions on your own 'cause u guys have come a long way.
please talk over it as soon as possible and be free to express your fears. Better now than never!

I have noticed a lot of comments I perceive to be negative and I ask myself: As it come to this!
Why do we distrust ourselves so much, and surprising guys also add to this, sometimes u just like certain peeps doesnt mean u guys got something going. Do i have to choose between my friend and a lady i want to marry. Haba!

my advise for you is that, you should sit him down and tell him if you have not discuss thid b4 in ur courtship your likes and dislikes, he should be able to respect your opinion as his wife to be someday,tell him he should do something about the other kady no matter how close they her now, one other thing, you have to be very sensitive and protect what you ve got, cos you cant really tell what has happened while you were awaylet him no your stand, and dont just fold your arms, am of the opinion that you should not rush into the marriage tin too fast, so as not to rush out,BE SENSITIVE.
COSBY

The main thing here is that the man should respect her feelings and stop denying he ain't got nothing with his ex when we all know how it is with exes

Priorities must be layed out!!! Ex? Helloooo?

A good heart to heart talk(no pride is allowed now) with the guy will resolve this matter. The result can either be white or black but I pray it will be white

Postpone the marriage and compound the problem. Right now, the guy is single and that is why other girls feel like hanging around him. Once he is married with you, they must distance themselves. Don’t use your hand to invite those girls to the guy. Don’t give them chance to have him. I understand the guy has not refused marrying you, it is you that want to create problem simply other girls hang around. Sit him down and have one on one talk.

I have many female friends (hell, even my best friend is a girl!) and i love talking on the phone. at times it irritates my girlfriend, but nothing is happening! It gets to a level, since i know she isn't too keen on the idea, but if i need to answer a call from one of them, i leave the room! Does this mean i'm cheating? NO! My girlfriend has several male friends, i don't sweat it when a guy calls her. the only time i lost it was when some dude called at about 3am (Glo midnight call), i took the phone and let him have it!

@texazzpete
why are you contradicting yourself
you admitted it irritates your girlfriend when you talk to other girls!  . it may be nothing now. but one day it will be something.
a guy called her and you took the phone? and let him have it? why? you should have left them to talk now. i thought you were understanding. even if its 3am. "its just a friend". just her friend and theres nothing.!!
se you see that it makes no sense!
i think we are saying the same thing. a marriage doesnt need those nonsense calls!

ebos:

it is you that want to create problem simply other girls hang around.

Your whole comment just sucked with this sentence. Get a life, pls!

ebos:

. Once he is married with you, they must distance themselves

where did the term "aristos" come from again?

What's "aristos"

_{(Tiffy, how u doin sweetie?)}

it's either a girl that goes after rich married men or a married man that goes after young girls. either way that other dude is totally naive with his ":when he marries it will all stop" nonsense.

_{im fine, love. you?}

Ohhh. . .I see. Yeah, you right


_{I'm good.Just hangin here}

@spoilt

Nice one

@texazzpete

Were you not the one who said any ape could make a personal call sound like a businesss call?
Why did you bother to lose your rags when your girl received a call at 3am in the morning?
How would you react if you find out your girl's "3am guy" reverts to calling your girlfriend during the day then something happens?

A guy who is so busy taking calls from his -ex is definitely enjoying 'something' on the side. If a guy refuses to take a girl's calls, or pretends as if he is on a business call when he is actually talking to other girls, then that guy is still a player.

Don't let him break your heart. A guy who truly loves you, will have eyes for you alone & would be itching to make you his bride, not spending his valuable time calling or receiving unneccessary calls, from other single chics.

Sit him down & ask him to define his relationship with those babes. If he says its' business, tell him to confine the calls to office hours.

A chap who takes so many calls from other single babes, definitely enjoys hearing their voice & likes being in their company. If he didn't, he would find a way to stop all their calls. Who knows if his antics will stop, after the wedding?

The wedding vows say "forsaking all others," not "carrying them along with you." Think girl, think!

@topic
You seriously need to ask yourself and your fiance this questions.

1. How would he react if you were to pick up his phone if it rings? Would he be cool, edgy, shifty, etc

2. Would he be willing to respect you and introduce you into the conversation by letting the caller know you are around? By these i don't mean those sick and twisted girls who don't usually bother single guys as much as attached guys though.

Please, do listen to every body's advice but

yield to your own council putting into cognizance

the fact that it is your life and your future that is

at stake not ours because it is easier to give advice

from tha sideline when you have nothing at stake

than when you wear the shoes.

big_bumper:

@texazzpete

Were you not the one who said any ape could make a personal call sound like a businesss call?
Why did you bother to lose your rags when your girl received a call at 3am in the morning?
How would you react if you find out your girl's "3am guy" reverts to calling your girlfriend during the day then something happens?  

spoilt:

@texazzpete
why are you contradicting yourself
you admitted it irritates your girlfriend when you talk to other girls!  . it may be nothing now. but one day it will be something.
a guy called her and you took the phone? and let him have it? why? you should have left them to talk now. i thought you were understanding. even if its 3am. "its just a friend". just her friend and theres nothing.!!

this has nothing to do with her getting calls from males or not. It's because i actually DO have to work for a living, and my job requires me to be at the office at 7am. naturally, at 3am everyday i am fast asleep. She isn't working yet, i am! So when a loud ringtone wakes you up at 3am (when you normally sleep by 11pm) you tend to be really cranky. If you doubt, however, please send me your phone numbers so i can flash you at 3am  .
and this wasn't no business call, 'twas a cheap guy who wanted to use Glo free nite calls to disturb my beauty sleep.
In relationships you have to put up with things that irritate u sometimes, d'ya think it's easy agreeing to let her watch 'Gardener's Daughter' between 9-10 everytime she's around? Even when my beloved Man Utd is playing, even if i wanna watch Arsenal lose i cannot if it falls between 9-10pm weekdays. we've had so many arguments on this issue but i lose every one of 'em . it rankles at times, but there's nothing i can do!

My point is, there's no reason for this paranoid fear of ex lovers. besides, there's a logical gap in this, if they've been dating for 9 years, does that mean he broke up from his ex 9 years ago?

Look, the girl has been out of Nigeria since, d guy isn't questioning her faithfulness, why is she doing same? What message will she be passing the the guy by postponing the marriage?

ThiefOfHearts:

Why are you talking like you KNOW that there isnt something there? Just because there isnt anything supposedly happening between you and your girls doesnt mean that it's the same situation here. Is your girlfriend miles away from you? Nothing is wrong with postponing it until they finally talk it out and come to a respectable decision.

and that's the problem with you girls here. YOU are talking like you know something's going wrong. postponing the marriage is sending a strong message, and that's just on a mere suspicion. Why advocate postponing before even talking things out?
and when you say 'you and your girls' you make it seem kind of dirty. Is there anything wrong with a guy talking to a girl? Me, i make friends with everyone i can, from rich to poor, irrespective of age or sex.

@texazzpete

of course you can talk to exes. they just dont have to call all the time to update you on their lives . for what?
when the ex calls he doesnt pick up if his fiancee is there or he switches off the phone kpata kpata.
haba. i know suspicious behaviour when i see it!

by the way what is the ex calling and calling for? doesnt she have a new boyfriend of her own?

@spoilt
i see what you mean. but we shouldn't just crucify the guy o! here, lemme show u what i mean!

look at the 3 posts above my first comment. One advises the girl to break up with the guy ASAP before the guy breaks up with her. Does that sound like sensible advice? I mean, a guy pushes u to relocate to naija only for hin to break up with you?
I think the guy had to have been feeling the pressure from many females and he needed his girlfriend to be with him so he can better resist temptation.
take me for example, i live in Port Harcourt mainly and i'm moving heaven and earth to get my girl to do her NYSC in PH so i can resist temptation better. There's so much temptation here in PH for young bachelors, especially for someone who can't cook!!

.

good u chose to talk first before any decision
like seun said its better not to have doubts in your mind before u get to the altar

keep us posted on the outcome of the meeting,
while i hope this isnt too late,

remember civility,, dont let it sound as if the "TRUST" has disappeared
he might get pissed off, especially if he's being unfaithful

Radiant:

Your whole comment just sucked with this sentence. Get a life, please!

As far as I know, the suspicion is not essential in any case, considering what marriage is all about and you cannot build a home base on suspicion. You want to marry him, and there is doubt at the beginning which you cannot prove – he is not being caught in any foul play. Now you want to postpone the marriage because of a thought you cannot establish. Better right your action before there is confusion. You should know that besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials - suspicion

if i was the one yea i will not eveb postpone it i would have ended it while i was living nigeria coz i dont believe in long distance relationship but its happened already you need 2 postpone it and sort stuff out with him

@Texazzpete

My last post was directed at the originator of this topic, and not to you.
In as much as my opinion does irritate you and contradict your own flawless views, please concentrate on the topic and not on someone else's candid and personal opinion. We are here to share and exchange views. My views are mine, wrong or right, stupid or wise, they still remain mine.