ebos:

As far as I know, the suspicion is not essential in any case, considering what marriage is all about and you cannot build a home base on suspicion. You want to marry him, and there is doubt at the beginning which you cannot prove – he is not being caught in any foul play. Now you want to postpone the marriage because of a thought you cannot establish. Better right your action before there is confusion. You should know that besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials - suspicion

I still maintain you take my previous advice to you.

Sweetheart what you need right now is time, i think you should take the transfer back to nigeria, you know what they say about out of sight is out of mind, maybe when you are here you will be able to see how things are for yourself.

this year i will be getting married to a guy i have known for almost 10 years and i had a similar experience to yours it took me almost 2 years to make up my mind to decide to marry this guy, mind you this was after along soul searching on my part. my dear whatever you decide to do its your call and i wish you the very BEST. cheers

take me for example, i live in Port Harcourt mainly and i'm moving heaven and earth to get my girl to do her NYSC in PH so i can resist temptation better. There's so much temptation here in PH for young bachelors, especially for someone who can't cook!!

@texazzpete

sometimes men are strange creatures. they may have every intention of marrying you and will move heaven and earth to bring you over but it doesnt mean that in the interim before you arrive they wont keep seeing others.
only a true man is 100% honest and faithful even when his lady is not around.
some girls just cant deal with all that drama and third parties because if he does that when you guys are almost married what is your guaranty that he'll stop after?

Radiant:

I still maintain you take my previous advice to you.

So, you have hard-boiled your mind that you cannot even apologize to me? A whole me for that matter.

@ThiefofHearts: I agree with you that I’m quite naïve and it’s because I’m not married at 30 + – abi? What else do you want me to say? That the suspicion is a good portent for their future and she should postpone the marriage because the guy answers too many calls. Good advice from you. This is how you solomonise your wisdom. Listen, preoccupation for what we cannot prove amount to invitation of crises and when it comes to play in the marriage, there is nowhere left to go but where we have created the road.

We're in this forum for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.

oh gal i pity ya better run and postpone for life cos it says procastination is a waste of time o.i beg no answer him hin dey hide something.love ya babes.

my dear if u can postphone it, i believe it's for ur own good, to find out if truely he's hidden anything from u because marriage is not what u jump into and jump out so i wish u the best of luck.

Just like i said before. . . all these girls can do is advise she postpone the wedding before even talking things out with the guy. If i was in the guy's shoes and i'd hung on for 9 years to marry this girl only for her to postpone the wedding without even talking out our problems, i'd seriously doubt her commitment to the whole thing, in fact that'd even make me start considering alternatives.

Just like i said, loads of people fail to seperate their personal anguish from the advice they give out, as a result they come across as cynical and hard. . . an example is quoted below.

afrikangal:

oh girl i pity ya better run and postpone for life because it says procastination is a waste of time o.i beg no answer him hin dey hide something.love ya babes.

This creature i quoted is actually urging the poster to break up with the guy and 'no answer hin' on mere suspicion alone.

Oh well, we each have our lives to live. Just do what u like, remember that the 2 things Nigerians love 2 say are "I told you so!" and "Oh! Had i known. . ."

@texazzpete
Maybe you didn't read very well the initial post, but she said she tried talking to him many times about it and he kept on making excuses. Therefore, I am sorry to tell you but your arguments are not at all grounded!

postpone? what do u want to do after that? come back to Nigeria, live with him or watch him closely for a few months, if he changed and u r sure, then do the dip, if not - hmm - reverse gear.

@white 'Nkem
Don't be sorry. she hasn't told him that this issue is a make-or-break issue in their relationship, she hasn't told him if she's asked him to choose between her and his callers! At least, i dont get those vibes from her story.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-5291.0.html
See the link i just posted above? That's from the topic 'My Boyfriend of 5 years is postponing our Marriage'

You'll see that some of the people who've been writing in here to advocate postponing the relationship were bashing another guy for daring to postpone his marriage to a nairalander.
Postponing the wedding without concrete talks is sending a wrong message to the guy!

You are not being irrationa, You just seem to understand the sverity of a marriage and thats why you are being careful.

But really girl be realistic. Did you expect him to be in Nija and not have any female friends or even girlfriends?
Sorry but am just keeping it real.

The fact that you are in different countries is just not a good idea. You really need to decide what you wanna do- visiting four times in a year is not enough and not as good as seeing the one you wannabe with everyday.

And if you are willing to go and live in Nija- make sure you go there for like a month and have trial runs o living there cause its just not the same place you left 6months ago.

DONT LEAVE THE DECISIONS TO HIM, MEN TEND TO SELFISH SO DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY AND IF YOU ARE A BELIEVER, PRAY ABOUT IT AND MAKE THE DECISIONS THATGIVES YOU PEACE.

But girl dont be fooled - whats gonna happen when you move in with him, you will have problems cause he is used to being a free agent and you moving all the way down to him will only 'cramp' hisstyle which will lead to hassle.

texazzpete:

You'll see that some of the people who've been writing in here to advocate postponing the relationship were bashing another guy for daring to postpone his marriage to a Nairaland user.
Postponing the wedding without concrete talks is sending a wrong message to the guy!

If the guy truly believed their forth-coming marriage was top priority, each time she raised the issue of his multiple female callers, he would go out of his way to reassure her that nothing was going on, and he would put a stop to it, or probably reduce the calls to the barest minimum. Sometimes, a guy who has nothing to hide would even put the phone on speaker, so that his girl can hear the details of the conversation, and realise that his friendship with those other girls, is totally above board.

But has he done that? Nope. He is not even willing to do so. So what signal is he sending to the girl? You tell me. He is behaving as if their relationship is NOT even important enough for him to discuss the fears she has & resolve them. If he felt she was top priority, he would go out of his way to allay her fears, not continue to fuel it, by maintaining calls with all those other unknown babes.

Marriage is supposed to be for life, and if he is not willing to sit down & put her fears to rest at this early stage, what do you think will happen if she goes ahead to marry him, without resolving these issues? She might end up discovering that she married a serial philanderer, with no regard for her feelings! Nine years is no joke! But a broken courtship is better than an acrimonous divorce. So everyone should be careful about jumping into holy matrimony. It sounds as if the guy is bored with their relationship & is seeking a diversion elsewhere. That's probably the reason for all the female callers, in his life.

I have a great phobia for long courtship, if I can make an excuse for you I will say you are hoping you have a relationship because of the distance between you. But come to think of it does it mean you were apart these 9 years and you never gave another man a chance Please don't get me wrong I don't mean sleeping around but i mean being a good friend to some other nice guy out there. I don't want you to feel bad but girl friend I don't believe in putting my eggs in one basket. Its not late if you will agree with me since you have not tied the knots, pull yourself together girl and get a life.
If you are the person pushing for the wedding to take place I will suggest you should hold on, allow him to take the lead in the whole preparation now and use that to know how serious he has ever being in that relationship. If you will agree with me allow him to live out the way he wants don't try to stop him because i believe that if a guy wants to be committed in a relationship you don't need a soothsayer to tell you.

But I have come to realise one thing, that most times the guy in question will do every possible thing to show a lady that he is no longer interested but the lady instead of opening her eyes wide enough to see or ask questions to be cleared rather chooses to stay put hoping that the guy will change because she has spent so much time in there. I tell you whoever has been fortunate enough to have a break up after a long relationship should take it as a period of training to learn more about male and female behaviour and be better equipped for settling down.

Girl friend I don't mean to bore you with my epistle but I feel i should throw more light on the issue at hand, VERY LONG COURTSHIP does not normally end in marriage because both parties always get bored with each other most especially when they are sleeping with each other. Please you need to pray hard and seriously too before choosing a life partner no matter how long you have been together for God's guidiance because I believe He has a better plan for you and all His children.

All the best girl but I suggest you Leave that guy someone who will cherish you more is around the corner.

Nt again!when will this ex issue die.They always want to destroy happiness when ever they come across it.