I've been deep into porn sha... but withdrawing from it had always been easy for me. Like, if I didn't watch it, nothing happens. Its something I did when I wanted to. Infact, its only when I watched it that something begins to happen. As far as I stayed away from porn, nothing happens. Of course till I met this woman, that was when things began to happen regardless of if I watched porn or not. Just by disobeying the voice in my head I got severely depressed. Am not even going to talk about how I got easily addicted to her. Anyway, we are no longer talking. I will try to go to the hospital like you said.
True. If you are a new porn user, the depression goes very fast once you quit but if you continue long, the depression remains for a very very long while even after you quit. I might be wrong but I think obeying the voice might have simply left you just happy during your depressed state only for you to disobey and be beaten down by guilt. It's nice that you are cutting her off and going to see a doctor.
If you had a girl friend in your real life, you won't be watching porn to the extent that it messes up your mind.
You won't be masturbating chronically that your mind is drained of all it's energy.
You won't be falling helplessly for an online cougar who hears voices in her head.
Get a life and stop searching for fufilment where there's none. I am not convinced you have taken a hold of yourself. If that lady sends you a mail 2mrw to say she misses you and wants to get back, you will gladly jump at it sheepeshily.
Souless0: I've read the comments on here and I've also researched the shared delusion word. The things I read seems extremely closely related to my case to be honest... the normal me never believed the things I believe right now. To think that this woman told me to go my way and not contact her again or go back to her ridiculous teachings goes to show she really knows she is a schezophrenia patient and she was really doing me good by asking me to go my own way and not try to get back to her stupid ridiculous teachings. Honestly I've seen things in this life i swear... two good months wasted just like that? Woman, devil go punish you I swear. Anyway, thank you everyone. Hardmirror, Seun, NobodyKnows, etc... I no go ever forget this experience ever. Thats part of the lessons I've learnt in life...do you think am gonna make this mistake again? Hell nah. Thank God it happened now, if not who knows what would befall me in the future?
Luvmijeje... honestly I advice you to keep your teachings to yourself. I wonder why you felt it necessary to spread your teachings to pple who weren't even interested to listen. Imagine being depressed for not believing you are God? Chai! Life
I swear if I get over this, I will forever be grateful to God and to certain pple on this forum. No worry luvyoujeje, you go soon meet your karma
you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. Do you know the truth? What is truth? Are you ready for the truth? The solution to every problem is not the management of the problem, it is in cutting off the source of the problem. Unfortunately i would have to mention a name of an old friend here to drive home my point. Her name is Omolade, she graduated from Good Tidings Standard Collegiate, Onward Area, Osogbo. Mind you this is a true story and I dont like the fact that i have to give accurate details, but i dont want controversy on this. When omolade was in university, she became a disciple of Dr. Samson Ayorinde. A prophet here in Lagos. In time, omolade started posting incoherent messages on facebook, there were all centred on demons and stuff like that. Guess what in another 3 months omolade was missing, she had gone crazy. This was a very brilliant, simply humble lady. Gone psycho thanks to spiritual mumbo jumbo.
Are you sincerely ready to be free? Cut off the primary source of your problem. No two ways to it
If you had a girl friend in your real life, you won't be watching porn to the extent that it messes up your mind.
You won't be masturbating chronically that your mind is drained of all it's energy.
You won't be falling helplessly for an online cougar who hears voices in her head.
Get a life and stop searching for fufilment where there's none. I am not convinced you have taken a hold of yourself. If that lady sends you a mail 2mrw to say she misses you and wants to get back, you will gladly jump at it sheepeshily.
another good advice given. To even imagine him whining just cos of two months experience, hope this wont take another 20 years of his life, he seems so needy, begging for attachment.
Martinez19: True. If you are a new porn user, the depression goes very fast once you quit but if you continue long, the depression remains for a very very long while even after you quit. I might be wrong but I think obeying the voice might have simply left you just happy during your depressed state only for you to disobey and be beaten down by guilt. It's nice that you are cutting her off and going to see a doctor.
honestly i dont understand all this depression bullcrap, how can porn make you depressed? How can you watch people fvcking then you get depressed? I dont get it. I watch porn and i have never felt depressed. I go to strip clubs, it makes me happy. So how exactly is it linked to depression? Porn is not the source of his problem, we should stop focussing on porn. He watches porn so what. Did spatacus make people depressed? Were there no sex scenes in Game of Thrones? Please let's hit the nail on the head. Porn has nothing to do with this
With time my brain reset itself. Drugs may have helped and are very important but in my case I noticed I could be in a psychotic stage while fully complying with my drugs so I had doubts about its efficacy and wanted psychotherapy which my psychiatrists preferred not to give. Even then, with lots of pressure from family I take my drugs to avoid possible risks.
Since in my case drugs are not a guarantee and professionals didn't help I went to relevant websites and forums on it. So I avoid stress which can trigger it, when I see shit coming I relax or sleep, talk to friends and family, find something to do like writing etc.
HardMirror: honestly i dont understand all this depression bullcrap, how can porn make you depressed? How can you watch people fvcking then you get depressed? I dont get it. I watch porn and i have never felt depressed. I go to strip clubs, it makes me happy. So how exactly is it linked to depression? Porn is not the source of his problem, we should stop focussing on porn. He watches porn so what. Did spatacus make people depressed? Were there no sex scenes in Game of Thrones? Please let's hit the nail on the head. Porn has nothing to do with this
First realize that people are different. So the fact that you don't react that way doesn't mean others won't. Tejuosho market burnt and some people died when they so their goods and wealth lost. Others bore the shock better.
I can relate to that though I won't say depressed. Guilty. Folks like you may be okay with porn since its naturally having sex. For me, I don't like it because it makes me see women as sex objects neither would I like it if my relatives were on it. It's pleasurable and addictive but something I dislike. It's hypocritical to do something one's morals shuns so for some that causes guilt or depression.
And porn can actually play a role in mental illness. I wrote an answer on Quora on that using my experience. In fact se of my posts here on NL in a psychotic state are related to that.
If you had a girl friend in your real life, you won't be watching porn to the extent that it messes up your mind.
You won't be masturbating chronically that your mind is drained of all it's energy.
You won't be falling helplessly for an online cougar who hears voices in her head.
Get a life and stop searching for fufilment where there's none. I am not convinced you have taken a hold of yourself. If that lady sends you a mail 2mrw to say she misses you and wants to get back, you will gladly jump at it sheepeshily.
SMH. There are even people married with wives that watch and wanck and are addicted to porn. It's not only a lack of sex, guys naturally like pretty women and porn more than caters to that.
This YouTube video is an example.among many of married porn addicts. This one was even a pastor.
HardMirror: honestly i dont understand all this depression bullcrap, how can porn make you depressed? How can you watch people fvcking then you get depressed? I dont get it. I watch porn and i have never felt depressed. I go to strip clubs, it makes me happy. So how exactly is it linked to depression? Porn is not the source of his problem, we should stop focussing on porn. He watches porn so what. Did spatacus make people depressed? Were there no sex scenes in Game of Thrones? Please let's hit the nail on the head. Porn has nothing to do with this
I am speaking from experience. I know beyond all doubt that porn addiction in the long run leads to depression. I know that from experience and I don't need a brain scientist to tell me that. The depression creeps in if you are a heavy daily user of porn for many months or just few years. That one I know from experience. I know certainly that when I stopped porn, my depression and brain fog dissappeared only to return after I did porn again. I have stopped for good and I no longer have these.
I am not talking about watching sex scene once in a movies and moving on from there, I am taking about spending hours, daily, on high speed Internet porn. I can die defending this.
However, I do get a little bit depressed just from glancing through my thread. I don't know why but I hope to heal completely soon.
It may be because of embarrassment on what you wrote which is normal. But don't delete it. People can learn from it because mental illness is real and is manageable in many cases. That Iron Man actor, Robert Downey is a bipolar disorder patient for instance.
I don't wanna take drugs though. Before now, I healed completely without taking any drug..
I will still STRONGLY advice you go to a psychiatrist for help and professional advice.
They won't immediately start you on drugs I can assure you. Even people who actually breakdown don't get started on drugs initially in many cases. It's when you have it more than once they strongly advise you take drugs because it suggests you are at high risk of it.
Why you have to go to psychiatrist is to reduce the risk of it in the future because some people like you show signs and think they are safe and nothing will happen. Till years later mental breakdown happens due to several reasons.
I said show signs because you don't seem to have a breakdown just some abnormal stuff but if it continues it can lead to breakdown which happened to me several times which is why I said mine is worse. My talk based on experience, not professional advice which you need.
When I started googling about the things she talked about and connecting them to her teachings, it came back again in full force. E go better. Thanks for your help
Great. Just worship God jejely and use common Sense so you aren't misled. Peace.
Never ever noticed I heared any voice or voices oo before this woman pointed it out to me. Right now, I hear not even a single voice
Cool. Then it was just the woman. I asked because people who hear voices are more prone to it. Still to remove all doubt visit the psychiatrist. Online wouldn't even be good because trained ones will insist they like to see you in person or strongly prefer it.
When my depression first started...I noticed that for example, if I watched porn this week, the depression would come like next month or next two months. That was two years ago though. Since it took that far for the depression to occure, I couldn't get a hang on why I was depressed.
About last year, if I watched it for example today, my depression would occure like next month or next three weeks.
Early this year, if I watched it this week, it would occure in say next week or next two weeks.
At a point I suspected that the porn was the reason for me being depressed but I couldn't just get myself to believe it...I mean how the hell can that be possible?
I continued watching my porn oo. Its not as if I watched it everyday oo... its something I watched like once in three days or even one week. But each time I watched this porn, after several weeks, depression occures and it kept getting severe with each time I refused to learn.
There was one particular time I was having this depression, I prayed and promised God that I will never ever watch it again. Bro at that particular moment, it stopped abruptly...I mean like magic...I can't just understand it. I know say some pple no go believe me but that doesn't mean it didnt happen. I saw it with my two eyes.
Even at that I didn't quit porn. The depression started coming like a week after or few days after watching the porn. The last one that happened almost made me run mad. That was when I swore to never ever ever have anything to do with porn. When I stopped watching it, for two months guy I didn't get depressed one bit. My life was ok, everything was moving fine. Within that period, I noticed that even having lusty thoughts would slightly make me depressed so I stopped thinking about lusty things altogether...stopped watching some music videos, infact anything that had to do with ass or breast, I stopped looking at it or even talking about it.
My life continued that way, I accepted my fate. Its not as if am the overly religious type oo. Before I met that woman, I find it really hard to pray two times a day. I believe in God oo but then I wasn't the religious type.
Then when this woman came, you know the rest of the story
I don't really know why its happening this way oo...I mean watch porn, get depressed. So far I haven't seen any medical report that has covered an issue similar to mine
Me sef I don't understand SOME of it except to be sure that there is still a lot about nature and the human body man doesn't know. And I have experienced stuff I can't explain. Science will explain some later. Some only God can resolve. What just concerned me was some of the strange beliefs as it the time the woman came in and of course why voices come when they do isn't well understood.
Now what I understand is that some people get depressed because they don't like porn. some more than others and and some people don't get depressed as in very sad it's just that (like me) they feel guilty. It's not unusual for guilt to come later. Some soldiers get PTSD from the stress of war even years later. Some people feel guilty for what they do some time afterwards. Even felt that too.
There are issues similar to yours. You just need to know where too look. Not that they are exactly similar sha. But the feeling depressed with porn, the girl and the advice she gave etc
You've cut the girl.off which is good. Seek medical help and live your life. That will be all from me. All the best.
Martinez19: I am speaking from experience. I know beyond all doubt that porn addiction in the long run leads to depression. I know that from experience and I don't need a brain scientist to tell me that. The depression creeps in if you are a heavy daily user of porn for many months or just few years. That one I know from experience. I know certainly that when I stopped porn, my depression and brain fog dissappeared only to return after I did porn again. I have stopped for good and I no longer have these.
I am not talking about watching sex scene once in a movies and moving on from there, I am taking about spending hours, daily, on high speed Internet porn. I can die defending this.
you honestly think the porn is the problem? Your your need for porn at that time was a symptom rather than the problem. I still dont get how porn cld be a source of depression. I wld advice you also consider other things you stopped doing or review your lifestyle. How can a man have time for hours of porn per day? That shld be the problem, not the porn itself
SMH. There are even people married with wives that watch and wanck and are addicted to porn. It's not only a lack of sex, guys naturally like pretty women and porn more than caters to that.
This YouTube video is an example.among many of married porn addicts. This one was even a pastor.
see porn is never the problem, our need for sexual gratification is natural and unfortunately some are obsessed which cld be a problem. But porn itself can never be the problem. It is rather an outlet for an underlaying problem and yes maziomenuko whom you quoted is right, in SOME cases it could be a lack of sexual satisfaction in real life. But that is not always the case. So his advice cld work in many cases.
HardMirror: you honestly think the porn is the problem? Your your need for porn at that time was a symptom rather than the problem. I still dont get how porn cld be a source of depression. I wld advice you also consider other things you stopped doing or review your lifestyle. How can a man have time for hours of porn per day? That shld be the problem, not the porn itself
I never had any problem. I watched porn, then, because I enjoyed it, I wasn't running away from something or facing a hard time. I watched it because porn is sweet. It's true that being idle can be unproductive but being Idea doesn't lead to depression and brain fog. I am sure of what I am saying. The issue here is whether excessive porn use can cause depression or not.
All happened during the 2013 ASUU strike. I had just finished waec so I finished sec school early and combine with the ASUU strike, I had enough time on my. Even after I quit, I was still idle and the brain fog and depression disappeared. Why was the depression and brain fog coming up when I watched porn? Why did they go each time I quit even though I was idle? I have never had brain fog and depression in my entire life apart from those excessive porn moments. Truth is, porn is addictive and addiction inevitably leads to excessive indulgence.
I had slight depression just by admiring a woman's ass and lusting about it like any normal human being...pls how can you explain that?
Sometimes its not even depression that would come as a consequence, it would be pride or my food digesting like 15 minutes after eating then I'd be hungry like I haven't eaten the whole day.
In your case, when you were a porn addict, after watching porn, how long does it take for you to get depressed?....like, how many days goes by b4 the depression starts?
When I became a heavy user, I had depression immediately after watching. Your case is LIKELY a mixture of both porn and religious guilty.
HardMirror: honestly i dont understand all this depression bullcrap, how can porn make you depressed? How can you watch people fvcking then you get depressed? I dont get it. I watch porn and i have never felt depressed. I go to strip clubs, it makes me happy. So how exactly is it linked to depression? Porn is not the source of his problem, we should stop focussing on porn. He watches porn so what. Did spatacus make people depressed? Were there no sex scenes in Game of Thrones? Please let's hit the nail on the head. Porn has nothing to do with this
Lol...isn't porn supposed to be sweet and exciting? Which on is depression after porn again. All those moans of pleasure from the lady can't possibly make me depressed...mbanu.
Maziomenuka pls can porn make u depressed? U should know better
Martinez19: I never had any problem. I watched porn, then, because I enjoyed it, I wasn't running away from something or facing a hard time. I watched it because porn is sweet. It's true that being idle can be unproductive but [b] being Idea doesn't lead to depression and brain fog. [/b]I am sure of what I am saying. The issue here is whether excessive porn use can cause depression or not.
All happened during the 2013 ASUU strike. I had just finished waec so I finished sec school early and combine with the ASUU strike, I had enough time on my. Even after I quit, I was still idle and the brain fog and depression disappeared. Why was the depression and brain fog coming up when I watched porn? Why did they go each time I quit even though I was idle? I have never had brain fog and depression in my entire life apart from those excessive porn moments. Truth is, porn is addictive and addiction inevitably leads to excessive indulgence.
at the bolded, i cant believe what i just read up there 'idleness and unproductiveness cant lead to depression, but porn can lead to depression? Jesus! Martinez i cant believe i just read that. Are you for real? I rest my case. Read and think over what you just wrote up there first
HardMirror: at the bolded, i cant believe what i just read up there 'idleness and unproductiveness cant lead to depression, but porn can lead to depression? Jesus! Martinez i cant believe i just read that. Are you for real? I rest my case. Read and think over what you just wrote up there first
Martinez got it wrong in this one.
I go with u on this.. If anyone gets depressed after porn he had an unresolved issue.... Sometimes its guilt. Again people watch porn as a means of escape from some underlying psychological issues. If u are lonly and idle and watch porn u are definitely going to be depressed because the porn wouldn't eventually help u be productive... The realization that u are just wasting ur life on unproductive things can make u very very depressed.
I am her Karma, please go back to her teachings and persuade her to recruit me too. I bet the only way it will end is giving her nice fucckss frequently until we both agree to end the world �
But to be sincere, the beginning of your problem is that you believe in God in the first place. I dare that woman to try to bring me into God's army. If you believe in God and they told you he is recruiting soldiers, you have no choice than to believe and that's the highest form of stupid.ity
The depression you suffered was self induced. Your mind is still messed up, and if you still keep hanging on to your imaginary friend. Then you're still vulnerable.
Pretty chick she is. Met her once here in Lagos when I was still active on literature section.. Dark skin and fleshy but not fat... Wonder why I didn't proceed to bang the chick then.
Now she is a religious fanatic and out of my reach
Souless0: i want to tell you my story. Am a guy, about 20 yrs of age. When i was younger, i was really close to God, went to church, went to confessions, etc, even won many gifts as a result through my block rosary crusade. Growing older, i was exposed to porn. At first, it started little by little but my life never remained the same. I became proud (i was rarely proud when i was close to God), that pride affected a lot of things in my life. When i was out of school, i watched more porn, however, i did notice that occassionally, i just get depressed just for nothing. Or at least, at first, i thought i was depressed just for nothing at all. Well, i took things that way, i mean anyone can just get depressed i thought. However, as time went on, and i watched more porn, the depression came more often, not only depression, my pride too, sometimes, i also tend to loose weight because my food wouldnt stay close to 30 mins in my tommy. At a time, i began to make a correlation: These things happen when i watch porn!. If i didnt watch porn for as long as i never cared to, it never happened. I also noticed that i contantly had dreams, even to this very moment (as of the day before yesterday, i could interpret my dreams). In the beginning, when my dreams became too frightening for me to keep to myself, i shared about three of them on a forum. A lady interpreted it for me. This lady contacted me via email and told me how powerful i am, how my dreams are not ordinary and are so interconnected with eachother. It was easy for me to believe her even though i've never seen her before nor do i even know what she looks like till this very moment because the dreams she interpreted were somehow related to my past, my future or my present moment. As time went on, i had more dreams, she interprets them and they come to pass. I developed an unusual feeling for this woman than i've done for anyone. Things were happening so fast. I began to hear a voice that i belive i've never heard before. She told me it was the voice of God and that i was meant to listen to it all the time. Well, you know, its hard for pple to just do stuff like that but you know what? Each time i refused to listen to this voice, i get depressed. Like, seriously depressed. This sort of thing had never happened to me before. I had no option. Sometimes, the voice told me to help pple, sometimes, it told me to eat things that i wasnt supposed to eat. For example, i've drank a little water used for washing dishes, i've eaten soap, i've eaten a nylon. I've been told to peck my mum which i did. I do things when the voice commands me to otherwise i get depressed. The lady told me that all of that was happening just so i can learn to be obedient to God. To do His will and His will alone. I believed. I did everything the voice asked me to, otherwise i get depressed, not just that, my life would be miserable at that moment as a consequeance for my dissobedience. Sometimes, this lady would block me on social media saying she had been instructed by God to do so. Before then, i had no problem with anyone blocking me on social media no matter how much i loved the person. But this time, it was different. I cried, i called her number severally but to no avail. I got depressed, got proud, i had stomach ache, lost happiness and peacefulness till after one week, she unblocked me, we got talking and instantly all of that left...like magic. She said we were kinda joined to the hips and so if things went wrong, i would not feel comfortable. She said i am so special my purpose is even written on the book of revelation. She told me my rank is higher than that of the prophets and apostles in heaven and that i can never die. Things continued. Suffice to say that one of my happiest moment was with this lady, one of my saddest moment in life had been with her too. I find it hard to comprehend even to this very moment. She told me am a God. I told her how hard it was for me to accept because i know of one and only true God. Guess what? I was punished for that too. So i had to believe i was a God even if i didn't want to. As time went on, she sent me an audio, the audio reads that she is a God in a woman form, the commander of God's kingdom, that she is perfect, etc. When i heard the audio, i found it hard to believe and she told me that her rank in spirituality was much more higher than mine so i should never ever demean her or question her authority that she is the commander of God's army and that am just one of the army. When i doubted I was severly punished by depression for that. Well, i tried as much as possible to believe that too. At a point, my feelings for her started decreasing. I could be able to control my feelings much more than before so i stopped chating her much and didnt give her the kind of respect she wanted as the 'commander of God's kingdom'. Need i say that at a point in our convo, she told me that if God tells me to watch porn, i must do that for nothing is sin except dissobedience to God. Well, at that point, i watched lots of porn and nothing happened..no depression, nothing at all and i was happy. However, i had new commandments for myself, quite different from the ones Moses gave the people of Israel. For example, i did 50 leg exercises everyday, if i didnt do it for one day, i would be so miserable, my life would be turn apart. So i did everything but to accept that this woman was truely a God over me. I mean my subconscious never permited me to truely accept no matter how hard i tried. So one afternoon, i was having another horrible moment of my life. This time, i had no idea why. it was a mixture of depression and hopelessness. I didn't want to talk to her about it. So when i eventually came online, i saw some messages from her. She said a lot of things then said i was DISQUALIFIED. She said i was disqualified because i was so arrogant to not accept that she was far greater than me. That since i cant serve, it would be impossible for me to be among the army of God. When she said that, to be honest something inside me was very happy even though i tried as much as possible to be sad....i mean i was supposed to be sad for being 'disqualified' but i wasnt. Anyway, she prophesied to me about my future and asked me to go in peace. Among the things she told was that i will be great, i will live a life free of sickness, etc. Instantly, everything ended- the depressions, etc. She had asked me not to ever call her again. She claimed God had asked her to her to block me and never talk to me again so she did. However, towards the evening i started getting depressed again. I tried to reach her via calls but she had blocked my number. I tried to call her using another number but she wasnt picking up so i sent her a message. She replied but her reply came as a shock to me. She told me that all my blessing had been taken back for questioning God's judgement of disqualification, etc. she said that if i tried to call her again, worse calamities would befall me. I cried my eyes out. I thought about how to start my life afresh. I begged God tp forgive me. I was dissoriented and felt like killing myself. However, after some minutes, she called me back telling me that God asked her to give me my blessings back and that i should accept my fate and never call her again. I promised myself not to ever try it again. However, my depression never left me. My mind was asking me to delete everything that had to do with her and i did. I deleted her number, deleted all our chats which included all my gifts and my dreams. I burned the book where i wrote down important notes about our discussion: the things i can do with my gifts, my personal commandments, etc. The depression left at tthat moment then came back again at night, while i was about to sleep. Meanwhile at that point, i had received a message from her which said that the voice tool (the voice of God) will guide me to make sure her prophesies about me came to pass, to enable me interpret my dreams, to act as a companion, etc. About ten purposes altogether. From that moment, i could hear the voice speak to me, it answered the questions i asked it. That night while i was still depressed, i had to delete my account on nairaland, delete my facebook account, delete all my emails, etc...the voice asked me to delete all memories of her and i did. In the morning, the depression stopped. The voice truelly became my companion. It answered most of the questions i asked it. Told me about my future and what it would look like, when i will die, etc. I asked for its opinion whenever i wanted to do things. It helped me interpret my dreams that day and the next day and all of that came to pass. The last one is actually happeneing right now. Anyway my spirit led me to read stuff about spirituality on the internet just so i can develop myself more spiritually. While going through the articles on the internet, my eyes were opened, my brain began to make rapid correlations to the things she said and why she said them. I recall her say something about using me...i recalled a lot of things. At that point, my depression began to set in rapidly, it dawned on me that i had disobeyed. I tried to pray and beg God for forgiveness but my heart refused to allow my pleading to really come from it. I became confused, i didn't know which to believe anylonger. I've never felt so confused in my entire life. I was depressed the whole night. The voice had stopped talking to me till this very moment. As morning approached, i began to think of how to tell my ordeal to a priest. I woke up and began to read stuff about the possibility of being disqualified by God. Many people said God can never disqualify anyone no matter how big his sins are. I began to believe this woman used me. Or at least she was almost at the verge of using me. My depression left abrubtly and i became so happy. Things began to fall into place abeit not completely at the moment because i still feel depressed occassionally. Am happy, am awakening, but i need someone to put me through because am still confused
t want to talk to her about it. So when i eventually came online, i saw some messages from her. She said a lot of things then said i was DISQUALIFIED. She said i was disqualified because i was so arrogant to not accept that she was far greater than me. That since i cant serve, it would be impossible for me to be among the army of God. When she said that, to be honest something inside me was very happy even though i tried as much as possible to be sad....i mean i was supposed to be sad for being
