I do not think that anyone would argue with me when I say that one of the most damaging issues that come between a married couple is an affair. When any married person gives in to the temptation to cheat on his/her spouse, the damage and the pain that is caused by the unfaithful spouse threatens to cause the very core of their relationship to weaken and to possibly even be destroyed. This core, around which their relationship was established, consists of love, trust, and a belief that nothing could ever happen that would come close to harming that sacred core. The anguish felt by the faithful spouse is often severe enough to cause the subject of divorce to be rapidly brought into the center of their heated discussions as both parties attempt to sort out what should be done now.

For many people, discovering that they have been betrayed by an affair is a death sentence for that marriage and a divorce swiftly follows; there is no looking back and no discussing the issue. But I believe that even something as damaging as an affair does not automatically spell divorce. If both sides of the relationship can admit that they still feel love for their spouse, and if they are both willing to commit time, energy, and work into rebuilding that crushed core, then there is most definitely hope that their marriage can be saved.

It will not be easy. It will be important, with the help of a counselor, to dig into and try to discover the underlying problems that have been festering in the marriage. Although there is never an acceptable excuse for a married man or woman to have an affair, there are often things going on in a marriage that may be making one or the other spouse feel unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated, or not respected; the list goes on and on. Once some of the deeper issues are exposed, then the couple can begin to slowly take small steps forward as they learn what they can do not only to make themselves a better spouse, but also what they can do to help their spouse feel loved and needed and appreciated.

The temptation will be great for the wounded partner to want to lash out at the offending spouse, bringing up the affair during times of anger or hurt. This is a normal phase to go through for someone who has had a spouse be unfaithful and is even a necessary part of the healing process. The faithful spouse will seem to be lashing out, trying to hurt their partner, but what is really happening is that the hurt spouse is begging for reassurance that this betrayal will never happen again. The guilty spouse needs to remain patient and ask for forgiveness as often as is necessary. It may take quite a while for the hurt spouse to gain complete trust again in their unfaithful mate, but patience and love can heal many a wounded heart.

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