tahir01:
Thanks for the update. U no update if I was a girl again?

ona no like the story sha...but I don update am

do4luv14:
You wanna join us in facebook?

not join us, lol... he will run after us on Facebook *shines teeth*

Ciara9251:
.
I read every part and it was quite enticing but the use of pidgin English was just too much...Do you have another story I can add to my story list alongside this one?

I write mostly with pidgin, if you can't go with this... the others will be terrifying... click on my username.

are you a Nigerian?

Healman:
Father of a million babies, win election finish, all of dem go show face. lol

Wehdone sir.

to come claim "I am the first son" *shines teeth*

Lakesc:
Thanks op. Honourable talk and do should seek help interpreting this dreams, in other to avoid story that touch.. Each update was fun reading thru...

were have you been? you went on Evangelical mission. is good to have you back *shines teeth*

OGA LANDLORD 21+




Subtitle: Fu*ck fakers.




Episode 67




Mad woman: you, wise! wise!! wise!!! *laughing* fool!!

Ugochukwu: the mad woman know say you be mumu too *laughing*

Me: *I nudge him* make we disappear from here.

Mad woman: those two ladies will be your ruin *laughing* hahahaha.

Ugochukwu: correct English kwa, this mad person go university of mad people oh!

The mad woman turned and started walking away joggling the container in her hands laughing and talking to herself.

Ugochukwu: talk truth, you don see that mad woman otu?

Me: are you insane or you are outsane, why I go fu-ck mad person with my precious and expensive prick?

Ugochukwu: the woman dey talk about you, tell me bro. You don impregnate any woman?

Me: you know say I no go ever try that nonsense, I am always conscious of my sper-m.

Ugochukwu: is your spe-rm conscious of you oga bachelor of biology?

Me: *I hiss* here nodey safe, make we commot here biko.

I entered my car and ignited the engine, Ugochukwu stood were I have left him before, his right hand cupping his chin.
I horned at him twice before he moved away and left for his car, I was confused.

I started driving away thinking and the voice of the mad woman re-echoing in my mind. What does she mean by two women? And all the dreams I have been dreaming does it really have any business with what the mad woman was saying.

I looked at my side mirrors as I drove to check if I could see the mad woman again, but I couldn't find her anymore.
I felt disturbed and asking questions I couldn't produce an answer to, we were on the road for an hour before we finally got to the tarred road that led to my own yard.

There are just two yards before mine since the street wasn't that developed, Chinonso was riding tyres with some kids when he saw that am the one driving.
He raced off screaming, I didn't speed because kids from the other two yards were all over my car cheering me.

I drove slowly while I focused at the view of my yard from the widescreen, suddenly my tenants came out in great number and their sizes.
Choi.. Political power sweet oh.
Suddenly the women disappeared one after the other and came back before I could reach the second yard that is next to mine.

They rushed out with their wrappers and lay it on the ground, I was shocked. Ah ah! is too much na, I was touched by their love and affections.
I killed the engine and stopped the tyres from climbing their wrappers.

The moment I opened the car's door the able youths in my yard ran over and grabbed the leg that I wanted to drop on the ground.

Me: hiaa! make ona drop me oh.

Chidi: no oh, honourable talk and do! na up up we dey carry you go oh, no going down.

With that I find myself in mid-air, with hands lifting me up cheering happily, this people will not kill me oh!
I was smoking emotions then, the welcome back party dupe mheen... They carried me up cheering and hailing the others were dancing and singing a song raised by the women.

They dropped me at the corridor of my yard and Anderson stood beside me, Ugochukwu was able to find a place and park his car. He sat on his car arms folded watching us.

Anderson: who say we no go win oh!

My tenants: fire!

Anderson: thunder!!

My tenants: fire em mama fire, thunder fire em papa fire!!

Anderson: honourable!!

My tenants: talk and do!! *they chorus*

Me: *I raise my hand* from today no more rent payment.

My tenants: haaaaaiiiiiyyyyy! you too much ooohhh! honourable talk and do, gbessee!! oga for the people.

Me: *I raise my hand* I go make sure say better road and street light go enter this road.

My tenants: five gbooossaaa for our honourable talk and do...gbooossaaa! gbooosssaaa! gboooosssaa!! gbossssaaaa!!!

Me: don't forget to vote for?

My tenants: N - P -P.

I waved Ugochukwu over and then entered the hallway then unlocked my room and got inside my room, I sat down with heavy heart.
I couldn't get those words of the mad woman out of my mind, later Ugochukwu came in and met me sitting on the bed shirtless.

Ugochukwu: no wonder mad people sabi you well well, you rent house give all the mad people wey dey wear shirts for Port-Harcourt.

Me: forget about joke for now, guy something dey bother me.

Ugochukwu: *he sit beside me* see love them shower you, you suppose dey happy.

Me: I don fu-ck up well well for this yard, I no deserve am.

Ugochukwu: see, them miss you. You be the leader of the mad people you rent house give na.

Me: *I eye him* you dey call me mad person or wetin?

Ugochukwu: you no hear that one from my mouth oh, na you compose am.

Me: *I hiss* bro, we need to find way to get solution to wetin the mad woman talk.

Ugochukwu: I get place wey wan go go, you go even watch your life for mirror, make that mad woman matter no bother you.

Me: oya na, make we dey go.

Ugochukwu: is your sense diabolic? I need food and rest, maybe evening.

Me: wetin be maybe?

Ugochukwu: if you no go misbehave with the food I want, I need executive food like the ones we enjoy for governor house and one fine babe to digest the food.

Me: wetin happen to water?

Ugochukwu: I don see am say you nodey serious.

I had no choice but to send someone to prepare soup of ten thousand according to Ugochukwu.
He demanded all the sweet sweet meats and expensive fish wey dey market. I just dey look em mouth as em dey instruct Cynthia. I be wan cover em mouth make am swallow all the things wey em dey talk with em spit, I no try am sha... Before em go change mind.

Ugochukwu: what of the babe na?

Me: which babe?

Ugochukwu: to digest the food.

Me: food kwa? wetin do water?

Ugochukwu: ehnn.. I don see am say you wan use sense.

Me: you wan cheat on Shantel.

That is how I persuaded him to drop the babe matter, I swear em pain me to cook one pot of soup with ten thousand naira when them no go kill King Kong and Elephant meats put inside the soup.
The thing pain me well well, I swear.

I was still nursing my pains when Cynthia returned from the market complaining that things are too expensive bla bla bla.. No change, thief oh!!

She went to the kitchen to prepare the meal while Ugochukwu held his phone and started chatting away, a knock landed on the door.

Me: make ona come in.

Akpan: *step in* good evening, oga landlord... Oh.. Sorry, honourable talk and do.

Eni: *appear behind him* good evening, honourable talk and do.

Me: this one ona remember me, hope say no be traditional case ona come report.

Apkan: not at all, we wan talk say we are sorry. Mbok! forget wetin Eni and me do.

Me: na me suppose to apologise, I go come see ona later.

Eni & Akpan: honourable talk and do, we hail you ooohh!

Me: later.

Naso them carry their wahala go, The soup was ready later and we ate. Ugochukwu demanded I should beg him before he will get up and follow him.
I be wan tell am go and fu-ck that mad prophetess but I know how em go be las las, I begged him for five minutes na the timer the big head set for me.

We drove to a place that I have never even thought of being to, a nice street with tarred road.
There was a billboard at the front of incomplete building "MADAM SOLUTION" written boldly on it. We walked inside the small consultation room.

I looked around and saw white materials nailed to the wall and the ground, everything was white even the table a white material is laid on it. A white basin is on the table with water and a mirror placed by the edge clothed with white.

A lady stood with bell painted white in her right hand, she wore a white gown and a white cap on her head.
She no even look us for me to see the size of her bo-obs and the foolish table don cover her yansh.

White woman: leave!!

Me: *I look Ugo* you say!?

White Woman: leave!!

Ugochukwu: madam solution na me and my friend oh, no be your normal customer.

She turned and looked at us angrily, the woman really fine oh. Pointed nose and flawless face, I just dey admire.

White woman: get out!!

ehnn.. wetin be this woman own?

TBC...

Elvictor:
were have you been? you went on Evangelical mission. is good to have you back *shines teeth*

Evangelical mission ke! Just been very busy and exhausted most times this past weeks that i couldn't even read an update without falling asleep, but i back now for good.. Thanks so much sir

So las las stella and her daughter 'sweetness' go ruin honourable talk and do.. Hmm something must kill a man ooo. Why this white everything women d vex for ugo so? Thanks sir for the update

E beta mak hin go borrow usain bolt leg oo, else e go run taya lolzzzz

Elvictor:

not join us, lol... he will run after us on Facebook *shines teeth*

Elvictor:


I write mostly with pidgin, if you can't go with this... the others will be terrifying... click on my username.

are you a Nigerian?

LOL of course I'm a Nigerian...I dnt look like one?

Wetin dey xup like this? wetin white Prophetess see for im head o!
*shines teeth

OGA LANDLORD 21+



Subtitle: Fu*ck fakers.




Episode 68



Ugochukwu: na me oh! Ugo, madam solution.

White woman: *her cheeks flare like bulldog own* get out!

Me: make we dey go na *I hiss*

White woman: two women, two women *she start laughing*

I dragged Ugochukwu and we disappeared from the white room that served as consultation room for the fine lady, we faced the road from the hallway that led out of the incomplete house and saw the busy road.

Ugochukwu: you sure say your problem get solution?

Me: *I start laughing* hahahaha!

Ugochukwu: why you dey laugh?

Me: that prophetess go sweet for bed, I swear.

Ugochukwu: no wonder she pursue us, ewu Zambia.

I looked him up and walked away, he later followed from behind as we walked towards his car that was parked along the road.
I stared at the billboard that was written "Madam Solution" and walked towards it.

I stared at it and contemplated how to pull it out from the ground since the lady wasn't really doing what her advert is advertising.

Ugochukwu: wetin you wan do?

Me: I wan commot this thing na, em no get need to dey stand here.. The woman nofit provide any solution.

Ugochukwu: if I were you, I go start to dey use my head instead of my anus.

Me: wetin that one mean?

Ugochukwu: come make we commot here, make we go meet one Baba wey get powers for the other street.

Me: *I walk away from the billboard and head to the car* how manage you sabi all these places when you dey claim reverend father upadan?

Ugochukwu: I be business man na, I need them for one or two.

Me: wetin be the one or two?

Ugochukwu: no ask me.

We got into the car and drove out of the place, we drove for some hour and got into the city outskirt.
He took a curve and then a turn and I find myself in bushy part without electricity pole or good road.

We drove for sometime and then he stopped at a hut close to the road, we came down and Ugochukwu faced the hut 'cause he was at the other end of the car.
He walked towards the hut and then I followed him, he pulled his pans and got into the hut. I followed his footsteps and entered the hut.

I haven't even assimilate anything inside the hut when one short man barked at us to stop at the door.
A red clothe was covering the other part of the hut, make I call am room? I was just seeing mud mud all around me, and with zinc above me.
A very short man shifted the red clothe and surfaced from the inner chambers, he was bare body with red clothe tied around his waist down to his legs.

Ugochukwu: baba, I salute you.

Baba: make ona go back.

Me: why na?

Baba: I know why you are here.

Ugochukwu: *mutter* I tell you say em get power.

Baba: the two women be side you brought you here.

I was confused, I looked at my right and my left then my back and then my front. I no see anybody, I come dey wonder if Ugochukwu na woman. But I don see amu wiggling at his groin before na, mba! is impossible for him to have toto na.

Me: which women?

Baba: leave!

Ugochukwu: baba, abeg tell us who the women be.

Baba: leave now! before I strike you with thunder.

In the name of thunder I ran out and the hearing of strike I find myself across the road were Ugochukwu parked his car.
He later joined me looking at me strangely, like am something celestial.

Me: why you dey look me like say you be slowpoke?

Ugochukwu: your own problem pass the gods, maybe na prayers go help you.

Me: you mean pastor?

Ugochukwu: we dey go church tomorrow.

We drove back to the yard more confused than we are before, I was so tired and I jumped on the bed with my shirt and trouser on.
And hugged my pillow to sleep, I never even sleep well when Ugochukwu slapped me to wake up.

Me: wetin dey worry you na? you no sabi ethics of sleep, no wake sleeping person.

Ugochukwu: you no sabi the ethics of visitor, no keep them hungry. Abeg, I wan eat rice.

Me: so?

Ugochukwu: show me the rice I go eat.

Me: no wake me again before I go blow you.

Ugochukwu: I wan go back to Aba.

Sleep disappeared from my eyes and I got up from the bed, I called Cynthia and she came.
I gave her some money to prepare rice and stew for both of us, Ugochukwu was just eyeing her yansh upadan.
I was just lying on my bed trying to catch sleep if she go pass my roof when I started frog's voice behind my window.

Voice1: I go blow ooohh! Music ooohh! I told my mama I will blow, tell my papa I will blow. I tell my nigga I will blow *singing* blow blow is my song market women will sing blow blow.

Voice2: you wan blow like transformer or bulb?

Voice1: see, if I release this album ehnn.. I go blow like Wizkid and Davido.

Voice2: ehhnn.. The only way you go blow na to kill the seven villages wey you connect to, one way or the other wey dey sit down on top your destiny.

Voice1: seven wetin?

Voice2: seven different village people dey sit down on top your blow, my brother.

TBC...

Thanks op

This hand shake don da pass elbow.make talk and do take this case serious oh.Thanks op

Lakesc:
Evangelical mission ke! Just been very busy and exhausted most times this past weeks that i couldn't even read an update without falling asleep, but i back now for good.. Thanks so much sir

k

hustling must pay *shines teeth*

Lakesc:
So las las stella and her daughter 'sweetness' go ruin honourable talk and do.. Hmm something must kill a man ooo. Why this white everything women d vex for ugo so? Thanks sir for the update

this something must kill a man, hope isn't what am thinking. *shines teeth*

do4luv14:
E beta mak hin go borrow usain bolt leg oo, else e go run taya lolzzzz

I see your comment for FB, I dey suspect you oh! *shines teeth*

Ciara9251:
LOL of course I'm a Nigerian...I dnt look like one?

I haven't seen you to testify, but you do write like oyigbo *shines teeth*

Healman:
Wetin dey xup like this? wetin white Prophetess see for im head o!

*shines teeth

make we open our own na, I go be treasurer. you fit collect consultant *shines whiter teeth*

Lakesc:
Thanks op

this your thank you is doing me somehow *shines teeth*

crossfm:
This hand shake don da pass elbow.make talk and do take this case serious oh.Thanks op

I go screenshot your comment give Honourable Talk and Do *shines teeth*

i jus the follow up since...bruh u too much 'n dat ur pigin writeup was dope..*laughing*
but..,damm! Victor issue?
i think he need shantel right now...nd i suspect the prophecy 'll happen tho..
kudos bruh.,
more strength to u bruh.
*shining teeth*

Elvictor:


this something must kill a man, hope isn't what am thinking. *shines teeth*

Lol, dont even go there ooo..

Elvictor:

this your thank you is doing me somehow *shines teeth*

Abi...

Elvictor:
k
hustling must pay *shines teeth*

Yes oh op

Elvictor:

ona no like the story sha...but I don update am

Me dey follow d story o. try dey update am. Thanks.

keep it coming you are doing a great Job

Skepturekreed:
i jus the follow up since...bruh u too much 'n dat ur pigin writeup was dope..*laughing*
but..,damm! Victor issue?
i think he need shantel right now...nd i suspect the prophecy 'll happen tho..
kudos bruh.,
more strength to u bruh.
*shining teeth*

bro, this your comment na David blow my mind *shines whiter teeth*

Lakesc:
Lol, dont even go there ooo..

lemme turn back *shines teeth*

tahir01:
Me dey follow d story o. try dey update am. Thanks.

PHCN dey hustle me here *shines teeth*

Speakout03:
keep it coming you are doing a great Job

thanks brotherly *shines teeth*

OGA LANDLORD 21+



Subtitle: Fu*ck Fakers.



Episode 69




I was planning to throw grenade on those two big mouthed noisemakers at my window when PHCN saved them, and entirely different scenario played out. This new noise dey like say earthquake attacked my yard.


Voices: nepaaaa!! them don bring light ooohh! on television!! useless people aaaayyyy!

Kids were running upadan shouting as if PHCN isn't part of our daily benefit as people that are paying bills.
And they did what they know best, them collect the light after making them to jubilate and behave like mad people.

Curses section took over, as everyone base on their faith called on whatever they served to take the life of the person that was in charge of switching off the light. Some even send darkness to remain in his family forever, some even want him to be shocked by electricity next time he try to stop their merriment halfway.

I come dey wonder if the 'Mr off and on' was immune to all these dangerous curses, with wetin I dey hear na steady burial for anybody wey dey control that department oh.
The light returned again but no one celebrated it as they did again.

Cynthia came back from the market, I have decided to rest on the bed and look for sleep wherever she has gone to.
So I didn't bother looking at them as they discussed or the noise coming from television, everything na just noise because I dey worried.

TWO WOMEN

TWO WOMEN

I did a mental picture of two dangerous and powerful women in my life and the lot fell on Aisha and Madam Stella, I wonder which of them is planning my doom.

The one at the top list that will host a mega city celebration if I die is Aisha, so that I no go come back to claim her unborn child. Las las I dey come for that baby even if her husband na general or over-lord, whatever that mean.

Madam Stella- she nofit kill me, the sweetness of my amu have turned her brain upside down, mba! am her sweet boy. Wetin she go gain? the other woman must be a very old woman from my village.

Ugochukwu: Cyn... Cyn.. Fine girl, I no know say you sabi cook like this oh, and my friend no tell me.

Cynthia: you don see am na, this one na small thing. If I mean am to cook ehnn.. You go lick the plate and wash it with your tongue.

I turned on the bed and faced towards were the two adults are committing fornication, as a morally right hand man that doesn't support such, I have to stop them before pan-t and boxer go disappear from children of G** waist.

Ugochukwu: and I dey fine wife to bring to my mama for village *rubbing Cynthia's arm*

Cynthia: I no wan marry now, I still wan flex small *till you turn thirty*

I nodey understand the way she dey giggle upadan, I cleared my throat loudly and their two turned.

Me: na here ona wan do love wan chi chi for my house?

Ugochukwu: we no go go anywhere tomorrow oh!

Ugochukwu must have figured out my plan to pour sand sand for inside em garri.
I have to respect myself and leave them alone, I find my way to the kitchen and served myself, making sure I took enough chicken laps, meats, fish in my plate. na my money.

I chewed some in the kitchen one thing one thing is the reason, I came out and saw the two guests I was hosting missing.
I wonder if them wan do Nigeria movie surprise with me, even the plate wey Ugo chop finish dey on top the table.

I first confirmed if they hid under the bed, I didn't find them under there. I got up and looked for them in the restrooms, I gave up and went back to my food.
I devoured the delicious rice and stew, I make mistake to call am rice and stew 'cause na money I dey chop.

A knock landed on my door and I invited them in, it was Akpan and his wife who came back to me since I have forgotten my promise to them.

Akpan & Eni: honourable talk and do!

Me: make ona no vex, I dey come.

I got inside my wardrobe and took out some wad of thousand bills numbering ten, they thanked me warmly and left.
Ugochukwu later appeared after I was done eating my money singing one strange song.

Ugochukwu: oohh! ooohh!! C bee!! ooohh! ooohh!! C bee!! sweet well well.

He opened the door and entered, I was sitting on the bed when he entered dancing and singing that mumu song.

Me: that girl get HIV.

Ugochukwu: which girl?

I laid on the bed for him to kill himself, he stopped thinking and walked to the bed and sat beside me still processing what I said.

Ugochukwu: you mean Cynthia.

Me: yes na, she get HIV. I wan warn you, but you fast pass your shadow.

Ugochukwu: you for tell me na! and we do am without condom! *he start whimpering*

Me: shebi no be tell, I just tell you now?

Ugochukwu: .. Oh... chai... oohh!

Me: na lie oh!

Ugochukwu didn't know how to react to the new news I gave to him, I just pitied the guy oh. Before em go start to cry like small pikin.
The next morning, we dressed up and ready to go out.

My phone beeped and I checked the message, it was an alert of 2 million naira.
My phone rang and it was the governor, no dully. I picked the call sharp sharp.

Governor: the senator's son agreed to run for the position, and his father is beginning to re-think. You see the money I send give you?

Me: yes your excellency.

Governor: more is coming your way if your plan work.

Naso the call ended, rich people call dey different from poor people own. rich people go straight to the point and end the call, poor people go wan talk plenty talk to get sympathy or to smuggle small money from you.
It was very early when we moved out of my yard before dawn, it was still early as we drove to the church Ugochukwu told me we are heading to.

The sun started rising while we were on the busy road, I didn't notice we really have an escort until we stopped at a church gate.
Suddenly a power bike stopped behind us as we stepped out of the car.

One of them held a gun and pointed at me, he wore a mask.
I no know where fear run go.

Gbooo!

Gbooo!

He shot me twice and I didn't move a bit, I stared at him.

Gunman: aaahhh! Aaaahhh!!

He shot me again. And the gun did nothing, he ran back and join his fellow mumu.

Gunman: ewwwwoooohhhh! *he shout*

And they rode off, that is when my spirit return. Because I don already see myself for land of death oh!!

TBC..