I'm sure every woman has that 'close friend' that dissapears when shes found a man, only to reappear when things go awry.
Im sure alot of you know what im talking about! You know the 'bff' that only calls your phone when shes having problems wit her man (some even periodically).
Some not only abandon friends, but family as well, . . . . . befriending the boyfriends family and eventually losing touch with the 'outside world'
I have a friend like this, since im the one with the big mouth I pointed out to her that we only ever see her when shes having problems, since ive noticed she only calls to talk about the issues she has with her man (and not even listen to the advise one gives her!) and she responded with 'is that not what friends are for'?? I was shocked at her response! if she were any closer to me i probably would have given her a slap! But instead im gonna put this up for discussion

Is that really what friends are for?
Why do some women abandon their lives when they meet a man?
Should women let go of their daily routines to spend time with their bf's? is it healthy for relationships?
Is a boyfriend more important than a friend?
Is it possible that we overlook real love in a friend to search for absent love in a man?
Can you get the same level of (non romantic) intimacy from a friend as you can in a man?- since we know love and sex don't go hand in hand.
If we can, why are we soo adamant to sacrifice relationships, for the simple presence of the opposite sex?

Yes, that is what friends are for, but that's not the only thing. You definitely want your girlfriends to feel comfortable to talk to you about their relationship problems because who else would she talk to? However, I don't agree with women abandoning their friends just because they have a new guy in their life. If that relationship goes south, it's her friends that she would rely on. That said, a boyfriend is never more important than the rest of her friends. They both have "friend" in their titles and so should be on similar levels. The same level of intimacy can definitely be attained between a woman and her friends as that same woman can have with her boyfriend. The only reason girls drop friends is because they can become so immersed and blinded by their relationship that only that other person exists. It's partially up to her friends to remind her that there is life outside the guy.

yes i agree, I just wonder why exactly women become blinded in relationships when most of it is simply illusions!
There must be a reason, surely!

Abandoning friends cos of romantic relationships is not always gud idea unless of course the friend in question is a bad influence.

^^^yep iice all the way!LoL

I agree Lord reed, I think they dont see it when they do it. It when is hits the fan they realise they have no friends, so instead of finding comfort in one they spend all the time alone or building bridges!

hmmm- i see it from your perspective iice, Some people dont like others around them for too long.
Starting a new relationship will probably never affect people like that, since they dont tend to be close to other anyway.

I dont have a problem with a friend that chooses to hang with her man all the time, she's just stating her priorities. The problem I have is when she calls me to talk about her man issues when I have my own, you know those girls who only talks about themselves and everytime you try and say something, before you could even finish your sentence she's right in there "me too, me too" hell I cant stand those friends, BTW I've got them. Its a NO! NO! This is when a friendship becomes abusive.

Call me to share a joke or two, invite each other for drinks and eatery once in a while, and please make sure its worth it by showing each other how much you've grown in your talk, how your world views are changing, again with a dose of good laughter, please. I do stay away from my friends because sometimes, i really really dont want to see them, and no love should be lost in that.

Understand this, the strength of our friendship as I see it, is not relative the number of calls and gossip that we can share in a day. Its about those moments when we hook up after a looooong time and we have a heart felt laughter, and that sigh of relieve when we get home and start talking to our men about all the silly, funny and witty things that we shared and knowing that with everything said, somehow we became better persons.

Some friends can drain you for sure. They'll suck you dry.

When I see my friends I want to be able to say wow you have grown so much.

well said, esp about the priorities. but i dont think 'a man' should be any womans priority *kanye shrug* to me that simply doesnt sound right.
then again i do understand that a some will spend less time with their friends when they get a bf, same goes for dudes. I dont think its healthy for a woman to spend all her time with a dude. that shows neediness, most men wont do the same. Im guessing because they value their friendships and the things they love more than women do.
A girl will follow her bf to the pub to watch a football match that she wont enjoy, will her bf follow her to the nail salon and wait 10hrs for her to do her hair?

lol im sure couples that have been together for aaages dont care how many times they are called.

Queensmith,

I understand where you coming from and my single girlfriends do not undestand what is like being a married woman and trying to juggle every role strain possible. I have good friends that I maintain on a regular basis however sometimes calling them as much as I used to when I was single have changed. My husband is my priority and I have let know that. My husband is not mean when it come to giving his wife space.

I give my husband to spend time with his friends but we do not allow other to step into our marriage that is a no no. We both maintain friends but we will drop friends quick if it is causing our marriage strain. It is what it is.

My husband is my best friend and number 1 in my life after God.

marriage is different. lol of course him being your number one priority doesnt sound as foolish to me as a bf and were not actually single thats the funny part. I maintain my relationships regardless of whether I have a bf or not.
it seems to me like most of you see friendships as a burden, thats probably the reason most women behave this way.

I have good friends and associates. My good friends know the role and do not come between my husband and I neither do I come between them in their relationship. IF you don't have that communication with your friends and are not on the same level then it become an issue.  

Not too many of us have good friends as that is.

queensmith thank you for starting this thread - it is a great thought process that you have.

Personally, I have been that girlfriend before who has disappeared and also I have been the one that doesn't disappear - so I have been on both sides.  What side I stood was always determined by the type of man I had.  Most of the guys I dated and then married (1) never wanted me around/with anyone unless it was his family or my family - there were no friends that he brought to the house and would discourage my bringing friends to the house or hanging out with friends.  My life revolved around him and his choices for me.  I had friends at work but never saw them outside of work because I was soo busy with the home.  But I can understand the feelings of being hurt by friends departing - I always felt really, really bad that I had withdrawn myself from my friends because they were so wonderful and loving and I missed them so much.  It was weird, when we would see each other even after time would pass - we would hug and be so spontaneous as though we had never departed.

@ queensmith

It is very good that you have a husband that is understanding and open to your maintaining those friendships - I have always wanted a mate that would be in approval of such. I had some really supportive, unique, intelligent friends that I missed. I am hoping that this new relationship will allow more socializing as a couple with other couples - I voice my opinion more readily on a keyboard than I do in person and being withdrawn for so long from others is why. I really want to work on socializing again and even more so in a group situation with my mate.

Im glad you understand me shy-one. Im not married! lol im still quite young!

dont you think its amazing how you can meet a friend after 5 years and just reconnect like that?? whilst you can see an ex whom youve spent soo many moments with and even made love to and feel like spitting in his face!!!!
I just dont understand why alot of us dont cherish these special relationships! There are things me and friends have shared that can NEVER be shared with a partner! theres something in alot of friendships that cannot be found anywhere else!

Yes you are very right, ive also been on that side too, i met someone that worked closed to where i live and I spent all my extra time with him. When we eventually broke up and I saw my friend in uni she said 'wow its been a while'. that was my wtf moment! when i decided never to change my routine ever again. I think it even shows a sort of neediness on my part. as if I have no life away from him.

And yes I understand what you mean abt men that are possessive, i believe my friends bf is the possesive type, he doesnt even like her talking to her friends on the phone! she doesnt pick up her phone when shes with him and if she does she whispers! I believe my ex was slightly possessive too but im not good with being controlled- relationship down the drain lol.

Im glad your working on your social skills, and i think its a brilliant idea to socialize with other couples! that way nobody feels left out! lol
things like going out and introducing ur man to ur friends then watch them scrutinize him! lol fun times! gd luck with that!

Mrs, Chima:

I have good friends and associates. My good friends know the role and do not come between my husband and I neither do I come between them in their relationship. IF you don't have that communication with your friends and are not on the same level then it become an issue.  

Not too many of us have good friends as that is. 

no friends are not meant to com btn you and your husband. but i dont think a husband is meant to come between friends. it shouldnt even be an issue. even if you dont meet, you can still talk. damn in this day and age there is no excuse to lose contact with anyone! lol

.

queensmith:


And yes I understand what you mean abt men that are possessive, i believe my friends bf is the possesive type, he doesnt even like her talking to her friends on the phone! she doesnt pick up her phone when shes with him and if she does she whispers! I believe my ex was slightly possessive too but im not good with being controlled- relationship down the drain lol.

Thanks for that clarification, lets not forget that time really flies when people are having a good time and for this reason I'll forgive a friend who dumped me in the process. Its easy for me cos I also have my things to take care of e.g. work, study, cousins (they my friends too and we wnat our children to grow together as friends and family), me alone time and the things I've realy procrastinated. I always find that I make quick progress when I dont interact as frequent.

I think the number one mistake with women generally is that we tend to dump our friends for our bf/hubby's friends. Now that's dangerous, because when that relationship ends even those friendships end (hope this makes sense). Even worse is when you have a bf turned husbad who has a nerve to tell you that now that you are married you have to limit your interaction with friends, no it gets better some women do this voluntarily. This is something that should happen organically. Truth is no existance could ever happen void of attachments, friendships that is.

Personally I guess I've made peace with the fact that people will come and go, some will stay and some will want you to come with them, but "where to?" is the question? All the same, this is growth and there shouldnt be any resentments even if it stings sometimes.

^^ definitely!! i agree with you 1000%! 20 people cant be friends for 20 years, and the same goes for most romantic relationships too! Im guessing nobody knows where the journey will take them but we can always chose who to take the journey with!

lool iiice, the blessed honeymoon period, i wont lie that used to shack me as well. . . . then I started dating someone that has a job!!!!!

tpia*:

funny questions.

you dont understand the topic

tpia*:

no, you dont have to give up your friends because of your boyfriend, but when you have that lovey dovey feeling, it cuts into your friend time. 

Exactly, but why do we get lovey dovey feelings for men we barely know? or worst still men that treat us bad? Its different if the guy is also a friend that you have known as long as or even longer than the others. But what has made this dude all of a sudden soo special?

tpia*:

since your friends cant give you the same buzz as your guy, it's only natural.

The buzz in the lower region??

tpia*:

um, yes?

I disagree- you dont need to alter your routine. Men dont alter thier routines and time schedules! they wont even reduce a minute on the playstation! How many hobbies can u see a dude giving up for his girl? talkless of his friends! God help the girl even arrive to his house on the wrong day! It will be as if she doesnt even exist!
Some women even if they are with their friends, will cancel on a whim to go and meet a dude! I have never understood that!
I dont see that as a relationship, it looks to me like the guy has just aquired a puppy!
A guy should be equally interested in the girls friends and get to know them as well, spend time with them too and so on!

the friend can be any gender- it doesnt matter!