A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. ( #That'sGangsta)
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him harder on the back of the head again with the frying pan. ( #VeryGangsta)
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

Kindergarten Jokes

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

Jackpot's neighbour (Chykason) came to his apartment in the evening to check on him as he had not seen him through out the day as usual. When he arrived, the door was open and he walked in just to see another man kissing Jackpot's wife. Immediately, they refrain from kissing and they exchange greetings.

Chykason: Who's that man?
Jackpot's wife: He is my hubby's friend
Chykason: Where is your husband?
Jackpot's wife: He went to see his sick brother and will not return home tonight.

Then Chykason leaves while they continue with their kissing. On his way out, he meets Jackpot not far from his apartment and says to him, I was coming from your apartment and met your friend kissing your wife. Jackpot rushed to his house while Chykason returned to his own apartment. Less than 15 minutes later, Jackpot knocks on Chykason's door and immediately gives Chykason a resounding slap when the door was opened.

Chykason: Why did you do that?
Jackpot: You lied to me
Chykason: But I met your friend kissing your wife
Jackpot: You fool! He is not my friend

While this Jamaican guy is having s[i]e[/i]x with a very sexy lady, he gets to a certain point, withdraws and heads for the kitchen. He returns with a bowl of water and starts to pour on the lady's kpekus. When asked by the lady why he did such, he replied saying, "I'm diabetic and my doctor advised that I should always dilute very sweet things with water".

Sledge hammer please what's kpekus?

A woman's v[b]agi[/b]na

sledge406:

A woman's v[b]agi[/b]na

women = kpekus
men = ??

I dey come with the answer

From a Limpopo High School, grammar teacher: "The girl goes to school, goesn't she? (Hmmm!)

From Brits, somewhere in Rabokala High School teacher: "Both of you three come here!. (Na waooo!)

An irritated Soshanguve primary School teacher to a student: "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both your parents!"

On seeing twins enter his office, the deputy principal of Lepelle high School at Marblehall said:" You look together; are you twice, who is copying who? (Wahala dey oo)

Notice at a store in Mothutlung: "Open seven days a week and weekends" (shoo!)

Sipho admonished two boys who were arguing:"Don't speak so twice together, man, Speak once upon a time!" (Shege!)

My favourite remains what Julius Malema said: "I would rather kill myself than commit suicide" ( una dey see am)

A man tired of Lagos girls, went to his village in Akwa Ibom to pick a wife. He got a real village girl, paid her dowry and brought her to Lagos. When he wanted to make love to her, he found out that her pubic hair was too much and he asked her to shave. The girl goes, "Sir, I no fit shave o, this hair make all the boys for village dey call me Afro baby".

sledge406:

A man tired of Lagos girls, went to his village in Akwa Ibom to pick a wife. He got a real village girl, paid her dowry and brought her to Lagos. When he wanted to make love to her, he found out that her pubic hair was too much and he asked her to shave. The girl goes, "Sir, I no fit shave o, this hair make all the boys for village dey call me Afro baby".

sledge hammer always posting jokes about kpekus! I'm the waiting for the answer to the query i asked o!

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the wives if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the lady replied: "Land-mines."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No s[b]h[/b]it!'

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

Employee: Boss, now I have got married please increase my salary!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!

A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is. . . It isn't. . . It is. . . It isn't. . . It is. . . It isn't."

Got a leaflet through my door last night. It says "call this number if you are an alcoholic" so i did. . .It was the bloody liquor store.

Titi says. . .Hmmm, you can't even imagine, I just bought a G-string and the thing I like most about it is the back pocket.
Halima orders. . .Please, if you don't have meat pie, doughnuts or scotch egg, just give me snacks.
Chibuzor laments. . .In our house eh, we use to have 3 swimming pools until armed robbers stole dem

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that. . ." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house."

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.” The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?” “Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Laughing out loud!

Bakari is a house boy who always drinks his boss's wine and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank but the boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a french wine that changes colour if you add water). Bakari as usual, drank from the wine and topped it up with water (to replace what he drank) but unfortunately for him, immediately he added water, the pastis became milky. When the boss came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home. The boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
Boss: Bakari!(he called from the sitting room).
Bakari answered "yes boss".
Boss: Who drank my pastis?
Bakari: (No answer)
The boss asked again still no answer, then the boss went to the kitchen to meet him there;
"Are you insane or what? I call you, you answered saying 'yes boss', but when I ask you a question you don't answer me.
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you do not understand anything at all, except your name". "Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay you stay beside madam, while I'll go into the kitchen, and you will ask me a question".
Bakari accepted.
The boss went into the kitchen and Bakari shouted: "Boss!"
He answered, "yes Bakari"
"Who goes into the maid's room when madam is not around?"
(No answer)
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
(No answer)
Third time: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The boss runs back from the kitchen shouting: " Wonders shall never cease! Bakari it is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything except one's name."

A goat and a chicken were discussing while walking along the roadside when suddenly a car passed and splashed water on them. Angrily the chicken hissed and said "don't mind them, that's how they drive like goats", & the goat retorted and said "hmmn that's why they die like chicken"

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said, "you bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well". The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her. “Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”

A plane was transporting a bunch of mad men to a well facilitated psychiatry home and they were making noise. One of the madmen enters the Pilot's cabin
MADMAN: Teach me how 2 fly a plane.
PILOT: I would but under 1 condition, if you can get your friends 2 keep quiet
MADMAN: OK.

, (5mins later the plane got very quiet).

PILOT; Wow, how did you get them 2 keep quiet?
MADMAN: I opened the door and told THEM 2 go play outside

Lmfao!!

LWKMD,