My mum was in an abusive marriage for 33 years.

My father, abused her emotionally for those years and she stayed because of her 4 kids.

He molests the maids, her female relatives that come to visit, cheats on her with impunity, threatens her with marrying another wife everytime.

He eventually married another wife in 2016 and they both put my mum through hell.


He's is a traditional ruler so he believes no one can do anything to him.

When my mum, despite all these, forged ahead in her carrier and got her PhD, things became worse.

My mum is a lecturer mind you.


He said his wife can't aspire higher than him.

That he can't allow her to be addressed as Dr. in his palace.


This last ileya, he asked my mum to leave the house, because he doesn't love her anymore and can't live with someone he doesn't love.

He threatened to curse her with insanity if she doesn't leave.

He removed the custom plates of his king title from my mum's cars (if he had bought the cars for her I'm sure he would collect those back), locked our my mum's cars from the house.


We the kids immediately got her a 3 bedroom apartment in an estate close to her school where she works.

We parked her things immediately and also packed ours.


The day we moved, I saw my mum looking relieved.

I can't remember seeing her sleep soundly like she did in her new place the first day we moved in.


There are other things I left out that happened but I just thank God that we were able to convince her to decide to leave that he'll of a marriage.


I don't wish what she went through in that house on my enemy.


Please, don't stay in a marriage because of the kids, if the emotional and physical abuse is extreme. If the kids are old enough, you can leave then if you think the issue is not that extreme.


But I suggest you leave an abusive marriage as soon as possible.


Take custody of your kids so they don't become second class citizens in their father's house.


Ladies, pls ensure you have a career, job or business before you get married.



This post really made me emotional

If couples want to break up, they should break up instead of staying together, forced to act civil and when they think the kids aren't watching or are gone back to school, go for each others throats. That shit messes one up and gives the kid, especially the male ones a bad rep.

Imagine walking down the streets, your friends hail you cos they think you're like the father - a womanizer - or going to stores and you're being treated like a special case almost all the time, you get stupid looks and everyone asks you questions in tones that says they're bracing themselves for bad news.
You don't mingle much. Your only means of escape is gone but you gotta cope and pretend you don't know anything or you lose your sanity.

Also inasmuch as I love traditions, I despise the ones that ALWAYS says the man is right even if he is the instigator, forcing the woman to do stupid things all in the name of forgiveness while the man gets nothing but a "try not to do it again".

Rather the couples divorce than go through that emotional wringer.

KrazyDave16:
If couples want to break up, they should break up instead of staying together, forced to act civil and when they think the kids aren't watching or are gone back to school, go for each others throats. That shit messes one up and gives the kid, especially the male ones a bad rep.

Imagine walking down the streets, your friends hail you cos they think you're like the father - a womanizer - or going to stores and you're being treated like a special case almost all the time, you get stupid looks and everyone asks you questions in tones that says they're bracing themselves for bad news.
You don't mingle much. Your only means of escape is gone but you gotta cope and pretend you don't know anything or you lose your sanity.

Also inasmuch as I love traditions, I despise the ones that ALWAYS says the man is right even if he is the instigator, forcing the woman to do stupid things all in the name of forgiveness while the man gets nothing but a "try not to do it again".

Rather the couples divorce than go through that emotional wringer.

So true!

irukandji89:
My mum was in an abusive marriage for 33 years.

My father, abused her emotionally for those years and she stayed because of her 4 kids.

He molests the maids, her female relatives that come to visit, cheats on her with impunity, threatens her with marrying another wife everytime.

He eventually married another wife in 2016 and they both put my mum through hell.


He's is a traditional ruler so he believes no one can do anything to him.

When my mum, despite all these, forged ahead in her carrier and got her PhD, things became worse.

My mum is a lecturer mind you.


He said his wife can't aspire higher than him.

That he can't allow her to be addressed as Dr. in his palace.


This last ileya, he asked my mum to leave the house, because he doesn't love her anymore and can't live with someone he doesn't love.

He threatened to curse her with insanity if she doesn't leave.

He removed the custom plates of his king title from my mum's cars (if he had bought the cars for her I'm sure he would collect those back), locked our my mum's cars from the house.


We the kids immediately got her a 3 bedroom apartment in an estate close to her school where she works.

We parked her things immediately and also packed ours.


The day we moved, I saw my mum looking relieved.

I can't remember seeing her sleep soundly like she did in her new place the first day we moved in.


There are other things I left out that happened but I just thank God that we were able to convince her to decide to leave that he'll of a marriage.


I don't wish what she went through in that house on my enemy.


Please, don't stay in a marriage because of the kids, if the emotional and physical abuse is extreme. If the kids are old enough, you can leave then if you think the issue is not that extreme.


But I suggest you leave an abusive marriage as soon as possible.


Take custody of your kids so they don't become second class citizens in their father's house.


Ladies, pls ensure you have a career, job or business before you get married.



This post really made me emotional

Sorry bro. At least everyone is happy now

One major thing I have seen in marriages is that once children come into the picture, there is usually a transfer of the affection and attention meant for the spouse to the children. Asides from violence and infidelity, this is one of leading causes of failed marriages. Children are very important in marriage but the truth is your child is not more important than your spouse. I believe if many will embrace this, then we will see better marriages. We all have the capacity to love our spouses and children simultaneously but the order should be clear. Spouse first, then children.

Both parents have key roles to play in the life of a child and children learn from us mainly by the things they see us do. The absence of either parents is usually not good except in extreme cases.

xynerise:


Sorry bro. At least everyone is happy now

Yes o ... He who is dead can live no more

xynerise:
I have heard some women say " I am still in this marriage because of the children" when they complain about how terrible their husbands are.

Domestic violence is now common in many marriages and I am not specific to any sex as both are victims of it. Apart from domestic violence, there are other reasons one may become fed up in a marriage..

Inasmuch as some religious folks will speak against separation in marriage, there is still a point one can draw the line to let go.

My question now is, would you rather remain in a psychologically uncomfortable marriage because of your children or let go irrespective of how it affects the children?

I had to let go because the psychological effect an abusive marriage have on kids is worse and not healthy.

irukandji89:
My mum was in an abusive marriage for 33 years.

My father, abused her emotionally for those years and she stayed because of her 4 kids.

He molests the maids, her female relatives that come to visit, cheats on her with impunity, threatens her with marrying another wife everytime.

He eventually married another wife in 2016 and they both put my mum through hell.


He's is a traditional ruler so he believes no one can do anything to him.

When my mum, despite all these, forged ahead in her carrier and got her PhD, things became worse.

My mum is a lecturer mind you.


He said his wife can't aspire higher than him.

That he can't allow her to be addressed as Dr. in his palace.


This last ileya, he asked my mum to leave the house, because he doesn't love her anymore and can't live with someone he doesn't love.

He threatened to curse her with insanity if she doesn't leave.

He removed the custom plates of his king title from my mum's cars (if he had bought the cars for her I'm sure he would collect those back), locked our my mum's cars from the house.


We the kids immediately got her a 3 bedroom apartment in an estate close to her school where she works.

We parked her things immediately and also packed ours.


The day we moved, I saw my mum looking relieved.

I can't remember seeing her sleep soundly like she did in her new place the first day we moved in.


There are other things I left out that happened but I just thank God that we were able to convince her to decide to leave that he'll of a marriage.


I don't wish what she went through in that house on my enemy.


Please, don't stay in a marriage because of the kids, if the emotional and physical abuse is extreme. If the kids are old enough, you can leave then if you think the issue is not that extreme.


But I suggest you leave an abusive marriage as soon as possible.


Take custody of your kids so they don't become second class citizens in their father's house.


Ladies, pls ensure you have a career, job or business before you get married.



This post really made me emotional

God bless u and your mum. You all are strong

Blackking98:

Someone should show my parents(dad especially) this .

it's really bad how some parents ruin the child's psyche with their endless fights in front of the kids.Most violent kids learned it from home. A kid staying with the single parent won't know what violence is since they don't witness fights and quarrels and bullying.

Hathor5:

What fruit?

the sacrifices they made by patiently staying for the sake of their children.

Domestic Violence must be avoided at all cost. If and when that has been avoided and removed then the marriage must be preserved fmr the children's sake.

I wish you strength my brother. My worst fear in marriage is leaving a bad example for my children and we all should do what we can to give them positive influence and allow them to choose where the path lead them as adults then our own part is done. As for our wives we need a lot of patience to live with them. I talk from my own experience

grandlexuz:


Thank you. Your words are an encouragement to me.

TransAtlanticEx:
Poor women excuse.
Well to do woman go pack out with the children and lay better proximity clause(restraining order) on the husband with full mopol with hilux and covered plates prado moving her and the kids around in a convoy.
If you think say you get craze,try her make she shock you.
In this life,have money ooo....

A woman i paid bride price on do not have the right to leave with any of my Kids...

culf:


the sacrifices they made by patiently staying for the sake of their children.

I get that but what is the fruit/reward for these sacrifices?

Poloyanabo2:


A woman i paid bride price on do not have the right to leave with any of my Kids...

It is not about you nor the woman, the family court would decide what is of the best interest of the children, so it is not by bride price.

No woman should condone domestic violence because of the kid, I personally will not condone it but I can stay with a cheating husband cause of my kids. 80% of husbands cheat anyways.

Mindlog:


It is not about you nor the woman, the family court would decide what is of the best interest of the children, so it is not by bride price.

Bullshit!
Family court?
When i won't do a court marriage?

Poloyanabo2:

Bullshit!
Family court?
When i won't do a court marriage?

You don't need to do a court marriage to be a party in a family court case, even those who only married traditionally, when issues arise concerning the child(ren) between them, the family court has a say.

My cousin based in Lagos and married traditionally (no registry) and just within 3 years of marriage, the marriage ended and wife moved out with their daughter. My cousin was regularly visiting his daughter where she was staying with her mother until one day he took her away without the child's mother knowing, only to show up with his daughter in the village in Imo state for her to stay with his mother.

The ex-wife reported the case to Social welfare and the family court issued an order which was lodged with the Lagos state police command that sent a signal to Imo state police command to arrest my cousin and get the child. He and his mom were arrested in the village and taken to Owerri alongside the daughter who was then reunited with her biological mother. Police brought my cousin and his mum who was regarded as an accomplice down to Lagos, if not for the alternative dispute resolution the family court applied, my cousin would have ended up in jail. Now he makes provisions, visits his daughter, gets her to spend some weekends at his place without the ex-wife fearing he would disappear again!

TransAtlanticEx:
Poor women excuse.
Well to do woman go pack out with the children and lay better proximity clause(restraining order) on the husband with full mopol with hilux and covered plates prado moving her and the kids around in a convoy.
If you think say you get craze,try her make she shock you.
In this life,have money ooo....

I am sure this one no even get girlfriend, not to talk of being married or having children

Mindlog:


You don't need to do a court marriage to be a party in a family court case, even those who only married traditionally, when issues arise concerning the child(ren) between them, the family court has a say.

My cousin based in Lagos and married traditionally (no registry) and just within 3 years of marriage, the marriage ended and wife moved out with their daughter. My cousin was regularly visiting his daughter where she was staying with her mother until one day he took her away without the child's mother knowing, only to show up with his daughter in the village in Imo state for her to stay with his mother.

The ex-wife reported the case to Social welfare and the family court issued an order which was lodged with the Lagos state police command that sent a signal to Imo state police command to arrest my cousin and get the child. He and his mom were arrested in the village and taken to Owerri alongside the daughter who was then reunited with her biological mother. Police brought my cousin and his mum who was regarded as an accomplice down to Lagos, if not for the alternative dispute resolution the family court applied, my cousin would have ended up in jail. Now he makes provisions, visits his daughter, gets her to spend some weekends at his place without the ex-wife fearing he would disappear again!

Another one...
I'll be extremely careful before i marry then, because i can't afford to lose my kids to a woman whom i paid bride price on...
its double loss na!
Las las life no balance.

xynerise:
I have heard some women say " I am still in this marriage because of the children" when they complain about how terrible their husbands are.

Domestic violence is now common in many marriages and I am not specific to any sex as both are victims of it. Apart from domestic violence, there are other reasons one may become fed up in a marriage..

Inasmuch as some religious folks will speak against separation in marriage, there is still a point one can draw the line to let go.

My question now is, would you rather remain in a psychologically uncomfortable marriage because of your children or let go irrespective of how it affects the children?

A bad marriage is niether conducive for child bearing nor raising children!

Any woman who stays despite the troubles is either very stupid or very greedy (if the husband is rich)!

DedeNkem:



A bad marriage is niether conducive for child bearing nor raising children!

Any woman who stays despite the troubles is either very stupid or very greedy (if the husband is rich)!

or threatened to be killed if she leaves, some men even kill the wife and children.

Yes. A toxic environment breeds toxic children.
I know one couple, different pastors have tried to settle them for many years. No way.
Wife vs husband
Wife and kids vs husband
Na so so kata kata.
The thing affected their kids.

Mindlog:


It is not about you nor the woman, the family court would decide what is of the best interest of the children, so it is not by bride price.

On point

petitejolie:
Everyone is talking about the woman . dont u know that there are also men who haven't left a toxic relationship because of dier kids. The woman knows that this kids are his weakness and so she uses dem to taunt him like saying i will take ur kids away from you and so on while some women will deliberately leave the kids with the man knowing that he can't leave them all alone especially if the said family lives in a far country.

This perspective you brilliantly presented is often undermined by the society and all attention is given to the throes women endure when a marriage hits the rock. The notion reads, although grossly erroneous, that it is only men that are capable of abusing a woman in marriage. Women, couched as weak, harmless, and vulnerable demography are constantly in need of protection from unthinking and aggressive men.

Women who are label-obsessed will strongly argue that the man has no attachment whatsoever to his children and wouldn't hesitate for a moment before existing a troubled marriage. But reality shows that a lot of men not only endure but also make sacrifices for their children's wellbeing, which include tolerating an abusive woman.

I have learned that many people claiming to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children are using the children as an excuse. They are afraid of the unknown and most of the time, can not fend for themselves. This is not to say that some do not genuinely feel a need to stay because of the children. Raising children in an unhealthy atmosphere where they learn bad examples is not the right thing to do. But if one is in an atmosphere where the children don't directly feel the impact of a bad marriage, one can stay.

these women do not stay for the sake of their kids alone. They stay because they are incapacitated and also how the society see divorcees. My prayer for every woman that is entering into marriage is to get a job, a skill or anything to fetch little something.

Mindlog:


It is not about you nor the woman, the family court would decide what is of the best interest of the children, so it is not by bride price.

.

To some extent.
No marriage is 100% perfect.

Mindlog:
A broken home is not just only when a couple have gone their separate ways, it is also when they are under the same roof but toxic.

Some women use their children as an excuse to remain, to cover up their fear of their inability to provide, re-establish their identity etc.

A toxic family setting is more likely to groom children who would become dysfunctional adults

This is so short and so apt. I wish we were friends. It is true that the kids might suffer something but it's all part of learning. If the mother has a strong personality, and is gainfully employed, the children would be better for it. It is usually an excuse for financially incapable mother's or women that are still in love with the beast and hope for things to turnaround.