SirMichael1:
Hello Good afternoon Familanders. This is very long, so please bear with me.

I’ll start from the root. Well, in my church, there’s usually a committee for the married men where most times we can proffer solution to the issues or need of the church members and other times organize get together monthly within us (married men) just to foster unity. Since we're like 20, different men host the get together. Therefore, it's spaced out for 1year and 8months.

It all began last Sunday when I was chosen to oversee the next get together which comes up this Sunday after church. When we (my wife and I) got home after church, I told her about it and she immediately asked, “who would do the cooking”? I was taken aback as the question sounded strange. I replied her saying, since she did the cooking the last time, I figured she’d do it this time.

She got angry and said there’s no way she’ll be going through the stress of cooking for 18 to 25 men and that I better know what to do concerning who’s going to handle the cooking. I tried to calm her down and reminded her of how I assisted her in the kitchen by pounding the yams while she made the soup -two soups actually and that I was going to help her this time. Yam is quite expensive so we’re not pounding this time, just Semo.

She remained adamant and said there was no way she would do anything, that the work stressed her so much and she won’t partake in any cooking and that I better go find anyone to do the cooking. Thing is, I understood the fact that the work was stressful for her because she was 5 months pregnant then and it was her first time.

Yesterday at work, I kept pondering about a solution and a thought struck me. I called her from work and asked her, "how about I get one of the women at church to offer you support?". She blatantly refused and still held on to her words.

My mind hasn’t been settled since morning because I got hold of a caterer and she told me that she’ll charge a thousand naira per head, that is approximately 20k. Truth is, the get together came at a wrong time and considering the prices of drinks, the cost of the food stuff, meat, ingredients, etc. I really can’t afford a caterer right now.

I’m at a cross road now. I don’t know what to do because it’s causing a rift between us. I thought of bringing a church member to assist on that day without informing her so she wouldn’t surprise me and leave the house but I fear that if she comes, my wife might not join her in the kitchen and the woman will begin to feel a certain way (thinking of how ungrateful we are). Then again, who will purchase the food items? I’ve just been confused. I really need insights.

Note: I said I'll help her make the swallow, she just needs to make the soup.

The bolded caught my attention.

Are you to buy the ingredients for the caterer?

"Those people commenting are sounding a bit anti church."

No, they are not anti Church. They are simply applying logic to the situation. The main purpose of the meeting is certainly not to eat and drink. Having said that, why can't the meeting be held in the Church this time? Answer is pride. Someone does not want to lose face!

"If she still refuses you can now employ the service of caterers if you can afford it and if you can't u can explore other options like buying soft drinks and snacks. But you should make it clear to her that that you are not happy with her you too can revengeby declining some helps you render her or sacrifices you make for her so she will know how it pains.DONT just let it go make sure you express your displeasure by actions or at least words or both. NEVER you postpone the meeting to please her or due to lack of options or lack of adequate plan.if she refuses make sure you feed your guest in your house with at least snacks and .soft drinks or better by caterers,this will make you the winner and she will be ashame of her sef"



Caveat Emptor! Pride comes before fall.
Really? Take revenge, make you the winner? Your house? Make her ashamed of herself? Do I really need to explain why this is so off base? These are some of the reasons why lots of Nigerian wives in the older generations were unhappy in their marriage and just stuck it out for the sake of tradition. Same reasons why divorces are prevalent today.

Omo, na wa.

Anyone who has a spouse who upholds the traditional values of marriage does not know what God has done for him or her.

Everything in Nigeria has turned upside down. It is finished! Look at what people are posting in support of the inconsiderate wife, chai !
Common cooking ooo for once in a year guests becomes an issue.Well it cannot happen to me, not in this life!
What is the essence of marriage when couples cannot help one another? What do you guys talk about in marriage? What is going on in our society? I just weak, really angry reading this nonsense.

Op, fix your marriage, clearly this is insubordination and should not be withstood.

mariahAngel:


This is just so sad.

Would you say these if the reverse were the case? If a wife needed her husband's help on something he can easily render, and he refused and she comes here to complain, would you give her the same reply?
What happened to our African values in respect to marriage?

Yes I will. If you read my other posts, you would see it clearly as he needs to know what the problem is. That said, she has her grudge and have a right to it.

At this time, there's not much time and so as not to add issues to the compounding issues, it is best he pays for the service than bring friends or family that could be disrespected/ or his wife being disrespected.

While it isn't a big deal, truth is what money can solve shouldn't cause too much problems. Hopefully, post this incidence they would be able to talk and clear whatever the grudge is and this should also be able to appease the wife.

Liftmaster:


The issue is asking or proposing to invite third parties into the picture after she has rejected her husbands offer to personally help. I would not do it if I was him. The fact that the husband has been "eating from others" does not mean he owes anybody anything, even up to the extent of inconveniencing his family. A wise husband will always protect and put his family first. Nothing wrong in postponing his hosting rotation or holding the meeting in the Church this time and hosting it later when he has the funds to get a caterer. The fact that he is insisting on exploring options to host the meeting after his wife has said she doesn't want to do it points to egotistical driven motives. It will be extremely therapeutic for this husband to swallow his ego once in a while to remind him that even though he is considered the head of the household, his primary responsibility is to his family not to any outsiders.

Oga, no vex; what is this inconvenience? Don't we all host people from time to time? We are a people and I think we have some communal sense, why act as though it is strange? Anyways, what do I know sef?

Bros,
Cook the food urself. Show her and ur men's group how things can be done. Why bombard the body system with carbohydrate, sugar and red meat. You guys are getting old for that. Just get chicken, make a small salad and variety of fruits, with bottled water or do a fresh juice( orange, banana, etc)
I think u people's meeting should be more of creative discussion and how to live healthy.

So my brother leave ur wife out of this. am a man like u and I'm talking from what I have done and was really appreciated.

femi4:
Pounding yam for 18-25 people? You are evil....you want to kill that woman. Go and get snacks or buy food from eatery for them

You have comprehension issues . Read again..... This time very slowly.

I be apon (bachelor) wey never marry, but marriage bin dey scare me.

But i learnt something from this short story. Which is ,marry a person that shares same value with you.



So my wife's group will be having a get together in my house and I won't happily want to help her host them to the best of my capacity??


As someone stated up there, there is already a crack , cooking is not the issue.

All the best sir

GboyegaD:


Oga, no vex; what is this inconvenience? Don't we all host people from time to time? We are a people and I think we have some communal sense, why act as though it is strange? Anyways, what do I know sef?

No offense taken. It's not an issue of inconvenience but the issue here is the husbands lack of discernment. Regardless of whatever the reason for declining is, the wife has a right to do so. Her declining may be being inconsiderate but she has a right to it. I marvel at those on here that think that because a husband asks his wife to do something, she must always say yes. A wife has rights too. I hate to say this, but wisdom does seem to be in short supply In some of the antagonistic responses.
One further point. You said "Don't we all host people from time to time? We are a people and I think we have some communal sense, why act as though it is strange?" Why do you speak like we are all together in his marriage? Everybody is different. We may have certain customs as a people but it doesn't mean everyone agrees with these customs and willingly participates. Every individual has rights. She has spoken her mind and we as a people need to learn to respect other people's rights and opinions.

The wife was glad to do the hosting when she was 5 months pregnant. I personally think that was inconsiderate of the husband to ask her to do so, but regardless, she gladly oblidged. This time around she said no and is vehement in her refusal. There is something going on here. A sufficiently wise husband should discern something from this. Regardless of what path he takes, the issue will,still remain. He will be wise pick his battles, drop the issue and move on. At a later time when tempers have cooled, he can come back and try to figure out what exactly the issue is.

This our generation sef all forming woke. what is the big deal in hosting your husbands friends which happens once in 18 months. if the work is stressful, invite one, two or three people to help out depending on how difficult the situation is. I believe maybe she doesn't like that her husband group that is why she is refusing to host them and not the reason she is giving. but if her husband gets a big connection or contract from people he met in the group, she will happily enjoy the money.

Liftmaster:


No offense taken. It's not an issue of inconvenience but the issue here is the husbands lack of discernment. Regardless of whatever the reason for declining is, the wife has a right to do so. Her declining may be being inconsiderate but she has a right to it. I marvel at those on here that think that because a husband asks his wife to do something, she must always say yes. A wife has rights too. I hate to say this, but wisdom does seem to be in short supply In some of the antagonistic responses.
One further point. You said "Don't we all host people from time to time? We are a people and I think we have some communal sense, why act as though it is strange?" Why do you speak like we are all together in his marriage? Everybody is different. We may have certain customs as a people but it doesn't mean everyone agrees with these customs and willingly participates. Every individual has rights. She has spoken her mind and we as a people need to learn to respect other people's rights and opinions.

The wife was glad to do the hosting when she was 5 months pregnant. I personally think that was inconsiderate of the husband to ask her to do so, but regardless, she gladly oblidged. This time around she said no and is vehement in her refusal. There is something going on here. A sufficiently wise husband should discern something from this. Regardless of what path he takes, the issue will,still remain. He will be wise pick his battles, drop the issue and move on. At a later time when tempers have cooled, he can come back and try to figure out what exactly the issue is.

There is no battle in my opinion however,there is an underlying issue that needs be addressed. At this time, he can't force his wife however, he can out of convenience use a caterer unfortunately,they are on a tight budget.

I am not for waiting to score points like the wife is making this seem however, I am not in her shoes so I can't say for certain what exactly it is.

Above all, I wish them both the best.

frozen70:


It's quite stressful cooking especially for crowd

Shopping for the food items is a bigger stress

Beg her to pick someone to shop with her and do the cooking

But my question is,why the cooking, is the economy friendly with you guys in this hard times

You guys should start providing the food by paying a caterer to do the cooking and supply to the house who is hosting the meeting

By the time you guys can't afford it again, the cooking will come to an end

Is it even necessary, or you guys just like partying under the canopy of church ?

They are only cooking swallow,

I have have attended one church group meeting.
Anglican Church
The man that was hosting invited me to come over and assist his house girl in the cooking ,

His wife left house that day with her kids, only the last boy was around.

We prepared swallow, fufu, Garri, semo, white rice, fried rice, jelof rice, plantain porridge, white yam and sauce, African salad, ukwwwa ( bread fruit)
He ordered chops from fast food too,

Everyone was happy because they all eat to their satisfaction, they didn’t even notice his wife was not there, only about two couples that that came earlier asked after her

I’m not a caterer o,
It’s my husband that promised the man I will come and assist, I didn’t know the wife was not going to be around.

Maybe this was the same issue they had.

With what you wrote up there you need a better beating

SirMichael1:
Hello Good afternoon Familanders. This is very long, so please bear with me.

I’ll start from the root. Well, in my church, there’s usually a committee for the married men where most times we can proffer solution to the issues or need of the church members and other times organize get together monthly within us (married men) just to foster unity. Since we're like 20, different men host the get together. Therefore, it's spaced out for 1year and 8months.

It all began last Sunday when I was chosen to oversee the next get together which comes up this Sunday after church. When we (my wife and I) got home after church, I told her about it and she immediately asked, “who would do the cooking”? I was taken aback as the question sounded strange. I replied her saying, since she did the cooking the last time, I figured she’d do it this time.

She got angry and said there’s no way she’ll be going through the stress of cooking for 18 to 25 men and that I better know what to do concerning who’s going to handle the cooking. I tried to calm her down and reminded her of how I assisted her in the kitchen by pounding the yams while she made the soup -two soups actually and that I was going to help her this time. Yam is quite expensive so we’re not pounding this time, just Semo.

She remained adamant and said there was no way she would do anything, that the work stressed her so much and she won’t partake in any cooking and that I better go find anyone to do the cooking. Thing is, I understood the fact that the work was stressful for her because she was 5 months pregnant then and it was her first time.

Yesterday at work, I kept pondering about a solution and a thought struck me. I called her from work and asked her, "how about I get one of the women at church to offer you support?". She blatantly refused and still held on to her words.

My mind hasn’t been settled since morning because I got hold of a caterer and she told me that she’ll charge a thousand naira per head, that is approximately 20k. Truth is, the get together came at a wrong time and considering the prices of drinks, the cost of the food stuff, meat, ingredients, etc. I really can’t afford a caterer right now.

I’m at a cross road now. I don’t know what to do because it’s causing a rift between us. I thought of bringing a church member to assist on that day without informing her so she wouldn’t surprise me and leave the house but I fear that if she comes, my wife might not join her in the kitchen and the woman will begin to feel a certain way (thinking of how ungrateful we are). Then again, who will purchase the food items? I’ve just been confused. I really need insights.

Note: I said I'll help her make the swallow, she just needs to make the soup.

I feel there is an underlying issue and this isn't about cooking (for Pete's sake, its just 20 people and not an entire community)

Let her open up to you about what truly the problem is.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Lol. Ode.

you this big balloon head, instead of you to market your goods and services...

Our mothers failed to groom their daughters.


I always let whoever I am dating know that if she feels she doesnt want to cook, there are a thousand more pretty women out there who are ready to do that for me, and jealousy sets in.

Confused lots like this. Op please find more caterers that you can choose from . where is your location please?

If you are in lagos I can recommend Uyaiincomparabl because she can deliver and her services are very affordable

SirMichael1:


I don't invite people, it follows a pattern. It's a monthly stuff. It's a get together. The last time it was held in my house was over a year ago. We're mostly over 20 members. 20 people spread over monthly will be 20 months, that's a year and 8 months. That's enough time.

Mr Husband man.I wonder how long you have been married for and whether you have taken time to study your wife.

Even as a man you cannot bring hard back breaking work with no reward for me except thank you.
You are presuming on your wife's hospitality and only inexperienced men do this.
It would shock you that your marriage will disintegrate if you don't handle this issue carefully.
Since you knew before hand that you would host your group's meeting you should have started softening your wife up by being nice and affectionate with her. Helping her out with chores or buying her gifts.
Then after a nice warm lovemaking session you should have just said Wow honey its my turn to host the men.What do you think I should do?Allow her to talk and gauge her reaction. If it is favourable and she pitches in.Good.If not let it go and try another time. With time she will get involved and you guys would find a mutually satisfactory arrangement.

Now you just ruined every thing with your approach and your wife is in battle mode.Anything you say and do would be used against you.lol
My advice...Tell her to take a break from house chores this weekend or if she is the type that can't completely hands off...tell her you will lend a major hand this weekend.The goal will be to reduce her burden and destress her.Then in bed, apologise for the way you brought up the issue.Assure her that you will seek her advice before signing her up for work.Then calmly tell her that you are willing to get a caterer just to spare her the stress but with financial constraints you can't get a caterer.Also your family would be embarrased if you don't host this meeting.Ask for her help and assure her that you will make it up to her.Sweet talk her.Pet her.She will bulge.
If you attempt to force her you will regret it and she will resent you. You will also have succeded in setting yourself and your marriage up for failure. My 2cents

SirMichael1:
Hello Good afternoon Familanders. This is very long, so please bear with me.

I’ll start from the root. Well, in my church, there’s usually a committee for the married men where most times we can proffer solution to the issues or need of the church members and other times organize get together monthly within us (married men) just to foster unity. Since we're like 20, different men host the get together. Therefore, it's spaced out for 1year and 8months.

It all began last Sunday when I was chosen to oversee the next get together which comes up this Sunday after church. When we (my wife and I) got home after church, I told her about it and she immediately asked, “who would do the cooking”? I was taken aback as the question sounded strange. I replied her saying, since she did the cooking the last time, I figured she’d do it this time.

She got angry and said there’s no way she’ll be going through the stress of cooking for 18 to 25 men and that I better know what to do concerning who’s going to handle the cooking. I tried to calm her down and reminded her of how I assisted her in the kitchen by pounding the yams while she made the soup -two soups actually and that I was going to help her this time. Yam is quite expensive so we’re not pounding this time, just Semo.

She remained adamant and said there was no way she would do anything, that the work stressed her so much and she won’t partake in any cooking and that I better go find anyone to do the cooking. Thing is, I understood the fact that the work was stressful for her because she was 5 months pregnant then and it was her first time.

Yesterday at work, I kept pondering about a solution and a thought struck me. I called her from work and asked her, "how about I get one of the women at church to offer you support?". She blatantly refused and still held on to her words.

My mind hasn’t been settled since morning because I got hold of a caterer and she told me that she’ll charge a thousand naira per head, that is approximately 20k. Truth is, the get together came at a wrong time and considering the prices of drinks, the cost of the food stuff, meat, ingredients, etc. I really can’t afford a caterer right now.

I’m at a cross road now. I don’t know what to do because it’s causing a rift between us. I thought of bringing a church member to assist on that day without informing her so she wouldn’t surprise me and leave the house but I fear that if she comes, my wife might not join her in the kitchen and the woman will begin to feel a certain way (thinking of how ungrateful we are). Then again, who will purchase the food items? I’ve just been confused. I really need insights.

Note: I said I'll help her make the swallow, she just needs to make the soup.

Get somebody that cooks, the Yorubas call them Olopo, she won't takeore than 3k, then any church lady, that one can't get more than 2k. Just tell them that your wife can't go through the stress hence the need for them. On the morning of the get together, the Olopo will go to the market to get the ingredients. All the best man!

She doesn't want to do it
So don't force her or else
All your guest would hate coming to your house
Just better go and pay someone that will cook for u
And if you can't then call the meeting off no b by force

bukatyne:
Omo, na wa.

Anyone who has a spouse who upholds the traditional values of marriage does not know what God has done for him or her.

I think you have a multiple personality.

Liftmaster:


No offense taken. It's not an issue of inconvenience but the issue here is the husbands lack of discernment. Regardless of whatever the reason for declining is, the wife has a right to do so. Her declining may be being inconsiderate but she has a right to it. I marvel at those on here that think that because a husband asks his wife to do something, she must always say yes. A wife has rights too. I hate to say this, but wisdom does seem to be in short supply In some of the antagonistic responses.
One further point. You said "Don't we all host people from time to time? We are a people and I think we have some communal sense, why act as though it is strange?" Why do you speak like we are all together in his marriage? Everybody is different. We may have certain customs as a people but it doesn't mean everyone agrees with these customs and willingly participates. Every individual has rights. She has spoken her mind and we as a people need to learn to respect other people's rights and opinions.

The wife was glad to do the hosting when she was 5 months pregnant. I personally think that was inconsiderate of the husband to ask her to do so, but regardless, she gladly oblidged. This time around she said no and is vehement in her refusal. There is something going on here. A sufficiently wise husband should discern something from this. Regardless of what path he takes, the issue will,still remain. He will be wise pick his battles, drop the issue and move on. At a later time when tempers have cooled, he can come back and try to figure out what exactly the issue is.

The husband will not win this battle.
Due note that she is not failing in her duties of feeding her family.

She doesn't have any reason to refuse cooking for your guest especially as you've pleaded with her. Why is she your wife then? If you have to go out and get help for the kitchen, then you don't have a partner cos thats the duty of a partner.

Would she rather you spend unecessarily while she's there fit as fiddle doing nothing??... What will it take her to do something that little for her husband.?

I wonder what we think all this "I love you" s really mean. Majority think it ends in bed. No! You have to go out of your comfort zone to really prove you love your spouse. That's sacrifice, thats what we call love and thats the only thing that can keep a marriage till death do you part.

Report her to your pastor let them talk some sense into her.

If it's stressful for her,y not contract a cook & let her supervise? because she did the last time doesn't me she shuld again.

femi4:
Pounding yam for 18-25 people? You are evil....you want to kill that woman. Go and get snacks or buy food from eatery for them

You seem to have comprehension problems that i can't fix for you.

Mancala:
"Those people commenting are sounding a bit anti church."

No, they are not anti Church. They are simply applying logic to the situation. The main purpose of the meeting is certainly not to eat and drink. Having said that, why can't the meeting be held in the Church this time? Answer is pride. Someone does not want to lose face!

"If she still refuses you can now employ the service of caterers if you can afford it and if you can't u can explore other options like buying soft drinks and snacks. But you should make it clear to her that that you are not happy with her you too can revengeby declining some helps you render her or sacrifices you make for her so she will know how it pains.DONT just let it go make sure you express your displeasure by actions or at least words or both. NEVER you postpone the meeting to please her or due to lack of options or lack of adequate plan.if she refuses make sure you feed your guest in your house with at least snacks and .soft drinks or better by caterers,this will make you the winner and she will be ashame of her sef"



Caveat Emptor! Pride comes before fall.
Really? Take revenge, make you the winner? Your house? Make her ashamed of herself? Do I really need to explain why this is so off base? These are some of the reasons why lots of Nigerian wives in the older generations were unhappy in their marriage and just stuck it out for the sake of tradition. Same reasons why divorces are prevalent today.

Why are you dangling between different points? I don't get.

GboyegaD:


Yes I will. If you read my other posts, you would see it clearly as he needs to know what the problem is. That said, she has her grudge and have a right to it.

At this time, there's not much time and so as not to add issues to the compounding issues, it is best he pays for the service than bring friends or family that could be disrespected/ or his wife being disrespected.

While it isn't a big deal, truth is what money can solve shouldn't cause too much problems. Hopefully, post this incidence they would be able to talk and clear whatever the grudge is and this should also be able to appease the wife.

So for every no she says, i should bend to her will. But she won't bend to mine?

Maybe you don't understand how marriage works but if she gets away with this one, what happens in the next 2yrs when the get together holds again? Please try to be reasonable.

sako28:
Bros,
Cook the food urself. Show her and ur men's group how things can be done. Why bombard the body system with carbohydrate, sugar and red meat. You guys are getting old for that. Just get chicken, make a small salad and variety of fruits, with bottled water or do a fresh juice( orange, banana, etc)
I think u people's meeting should be more of creative discussion and how to live healthy.

So my brother leave ur wife out of this. am a man like u and I'm talking from what I have done and was really appreciated.

I live in Nigeria and not the US and as such, I won't give my guest grass to eat.

Just so you know, chicken is meat too and you didn't read red meat.

SirMichael1:
So for every no she says, i should bend to her will. But she won't bend to mine?

Maybe you don't understand how marriage works but if she gets away with this one, what happens in the next 2yrs when the get together holds again? Please try to be reasonable.

Oga, I'm married and from a home. You are the one creating an issue here because her total refusal should tell you there is something underlying. You be reasonable and address the issue and stop trying to act as the victim here.

That said, what you need is a win-win situation and not trying to seek some pity party here. It is your home, address it the way you want to.

NB: you don't want to bend to her but want her to always bend to yours, Bros, please reason it. Don't just take all you read on here but rather sieve it and think of how to make the best of this situation.

Based on your reaction, I am forced to agree with Ishilove that you are trolling.

SirMichael1:


It's a monthly get together ran every other month. Different men (about 20) host the get together. That is, the next time it will be my turn, the remaining 19 other men must have hosted it and that will be in the next 1year and 8months.

That's enough time to save some money so you can hire someone. It's stressful arranging a get together that isn't a do or die affair. Wives go through enough stress already, let's sometimes be considerate.

Get a caterer to arrange something you can afford especially in disposable plates. Please stop comparing your wife to other people's wives. Some people are work horse and others are not.

Lalasticlala will not come now oh, but if na snake thread we go don see like 3 for fp.

Sirmichael, what's the situation now? Have you discussed it with her again?

Theyoungmatron:
I think you have a multiple personality.

If the thought makes you sleep well at night, happy thinking.