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Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? - Romance (3) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Romance / Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? (7226 Views)

Only Fools Fall In Love. Am I About To Be A Fool? / Am I About To Be Scam / Please What Can We Do??My Gf aand i about to make a lifechanging decision (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Pearl05(f): 9:50am On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:


But I want to ask a question
Are u saying in marriage, the same see finish won’t be there?
Like if we were married or it would be same and I wld be in same condition


Marriage gives a union the oneness identity and that see finish feeling wouldn't come up. No matter how long you stay with your family, nothing like see finish.

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by oieda: 12:35pm On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent. I shouldn’t pay so I won’t come tomorrow and say I contributed to the house rent. I even said ok use the money for food and other things you complain about, but he said he won’t collect it under the umbrella of house rent that never.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself and he knows fully well. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food and so if they contributed it would go towards that.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?

I seem to see a box of flags - mostly red. Some of them are as follows:
1. Asked you out for over a year without any plan. No No.
2. You moved in with him. This flag, you painted it red by yourself.
3. You ought not to have sex before marriage, but as it seems okay to you both, the fact that the current setting is void of it means it will only get worse later on.
4. His colleagues begged you. As in, if the guy is really after you he will do stuff to get you. It just seems like his colleagues wanted him to get a good girl not the other way round.
5. Not appreciative. This is not a good attitude. Think of tomorrow, when you keep doing good stuff, he will not believe or appreciate you. Especially for a lady, it can weigh on your mental health as nothing you do will give him joy or pleasure. Complements are good medicine for the brain and heart.
6. He wanted you to contribute when you work. A guys natural instinct ought to be to provide for and protect his woman. It is really weird that before marriage he wants you to be contributing, after marriage nkor? Before you came was he not watching dstv? Or is it more expensive because you are watching?

All that is going on now will most definately get worse. If you choose to stay, you are alright with this as the minimum standard. Dating is when the guy is absolutely drunk with love and does crazy things which reduces with time. I guess his real attitude is coming out now.

Remember 1.5 years is nothing compared to a lifetime. Thank God children are not in the mix. Be wise.

4 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by BadBitch(f): 12:44pm On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:

I wanted to see what marriage with him would be like. Sooner or later I would still live with him if married and I won’t or never know all I know now and it’s too late to run then

Now you have seen. I believe you should be able to make your deductions from there...

And to all those saying she is selfish because they're celibate whilst living together, una dey alright. Did she force him to agree to celibacy? I'm sure he must have agreed and secretly hoping she would back down on her standards.

If he's reacting that way due to absence of sex, (that he initially agreed to) he's not a man to be depended upon. And if it's truly because of bills and whatnot, he's a very selfish individual and would not be able to handle the responsibilities of being a husband.

Marriage in Nigeria already takes a lot from you as a woman, to add a selfish husband to the mix? You would be signing up for a life of bitterness and resentment. Choose wisely.

5 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by pozehnani(f): 12:59pm On Feb 23
Mikester:
pozehnani to be honest, I think it's best you

1. Leave his house
2. Don't give him or anyone else sex no matter what till they marry you rightfully, else your loss
3. Give him some time alone. Sometimes to draw people closer, to make people realise your value to them, you have to give them a little distance
4. Focus more on investing in yourself
5. Remember number 2



Well said.

I'm not the OP though.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Komu1048(m): 1:21pm On Feb 23
Sister stop deceiving yourself, you guys are not lovers but you are squatting with him. When you squat with someone you guys won’t fuxk, u won’t pay house rent but others responsibility will be shared equally. Let him have a taste of you n and I will bet he will start taking care of you the way he is suppose to
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by StennyB: 1:38pm On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent. I shouldn’t pay so I won’t come tomorrow and say I contributed to the house rent. I even said ok use the money for food and other things you complain about, but he said he won’t collect it under the umbrella of house rent that never.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself and he knows fully well. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food and so if they contributed it would go towards that.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?


Sorry to say...You have a flatmate and not a potential husband.
Its not compulsory to split the bills with a man.
He's just showing you his real self. If you can't deal then walk.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by LadySarah(f): 1:56pm On Feb 23
Mikester:
pozehnani to be honest, I think it's best you

1. Leave his house
2. Don't give him or anyone else sex no matter what till they marry you rightfully, else your loss
3. Give him some time alone. Sometimes to draw people closer, to make people realise your value to them, you have to give them a little distance
4. Focus more on investing in yourself
5. Remember number 2



why do you think she's pozehnani. I doubt it although I know her main alternate
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by LadySarah(f): 1:56pm On Feb 23
Mikester:
pozehnani to be honest, I think it's best you

1. Leave his house
2. Don't give him or anyone else sex no matter what till they marry you rightfully, else your loss
3. Give him some time alone. Sometimes to draw people closer, to make people realise your value to them, you have to give them a little distance
4. Focus more on investing in yourself
5. Remember number 2



why do you think she's pozehnani. I doubt it although I know her main moniker
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Mikester(m): 1:56pm On Feb 23
pozehnani:

Well said.
I'm not the OP though.
Apologies

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Escabado: 2:27pm On Feb 23
This is the reason some men run away from marriage or afraid of it . You said if you live alone u can afford to pay your bills and buy food stuffs . There is nothing wrong if you bring half of that money to buy things that both of you can be using in the house or does it mean you don't love the man enough to allow him eat your Money ? . Nigerian women should stop this sense of entitlement . If you have money you bring it out to support your man it will make him to value you , respect and always have at mind . You must not liquidate a man in the name of marriage or relationship to prove he Loves you . But is wrong to sharing money for apple and other little things , both of you should bring money to solve some house bills
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by coldFLARES1(m): 2:48pm On Feb 23
You just love it when women report domestic issues,........they're never in the wrong! grin

Nonetheless, I could advice from your narration already. Lady, please end that mock marriage youve been experimenting with by cohabiting with that guy for over a year now. The revelations are damning and are a pointer to what disaster the both of you would make of the marriage institution.

To a large extent, I agree with your boyfriend about being put-off by the unwillingness of a working spouse to contribute to the running of the home while also being jolted by his rather open clamour that you share the bill in a certain ratio. But you see, where you said he eats 5times a day (someone who supposedly goes to work) while you eat one and a half time a day is the deal-breaker for me. Shows you would be comfortable even if he decides to eat like a chicken but provided he doesn't bother you with requesting your contribution (a working woman).

Please kindly leave his house; get your apartment; be totally responsible for yourself while you await someone else that has no qualms with being totally responsible, in a relationship/union, with a woman that earns but yet is unwilling to contribute to the welfare/wellbeing of her home.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by DrFunmisticGlow: 3:34pm On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent. I shouldn’t pay so I won’t come tomorrow and say I contributed to the house rent. I even said ok use the money for food and other things you complain about, but he said he won’t collect it under the umbrella of house rent that never.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself and he knows fully well. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food and so if they contributed it would go towards that.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?
Run..

Just run!!

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Sixfeetbelle: 4:05pm On Feb 23
Remijuice:
Our Nigerian feminists are always confused. They don't know what Feminism stands for,, not knowing when they are standing for or against the ideology..


A feminist that wants to be taking care of, is that one a feminist??


The Future is just femail! cheesy

Did you read anywhere in her story that mentioned her a feminist?
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Kondomatic(m): 4:06pm On Feb 23
lilvicky68:
Your marriage will be filled with complain and nagging if you continue with him..fullstop..
As in eeh!



They have already counted how many times person eats in a day.


Imagine.



Very soon they will start weighing the food.



gringrin
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Sixfeetbelle: 4:12pm On Feb 23
Komu1048:
Sister stop deceiving yourself, you guys are not lovers but you are squatting with him. When you squat with someone you guys won’t fuxk, u won’t pay house rent but others responsibility will be shared equally. Let him have a taste of you n and I will bet he will start taking care of you the way he is suppose to

He should only have a taste of her after he's married her. Taste ko, taste ni

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Truvel(m): 4:23pm On Feb 23
Ur Current Boo Is Not Good 4 U. U Will Experience Nightmare, Sorrow & Regret If U Marry Him.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Komu1048(m): 4:30pm On Feb 23
Sixfeetbelle:


He should only have a taste of her after he's married her. Taste ko, taste ni


That’s where the relationship is still going now, the essence of the cohabitation is to know each other’s before marriage. But she should release her body, that way she will be able to decide if the dude loves her or not
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by RisenPhoenix1(m): 4:33pm On Feb 23
Go and find a traditional man to marry aunty; one that will foot all the bills and leave you to worry only about PTA meetings and whether to pack orange or mango inside the children's lunchbox for the day.

A possibility may be that he is only insisting on your sharing the bill because you are not yet his wife. I wouldn't count on that though.
But if you insist on staying with him, why don't you just ask him what his rules concerning food, drink, rent, rates, and other bills will be after marriage? Personally; and unpopular as my view is; I just cannot advise any lady to marry a man who cannot foot the bills in total. Leave him for the feminists who like to foot their own bills.

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Sixfeetbelle: 4:35pm On Feb 23
Komu1048:



That’s where the relationship is still going now, the essence of the cohabitation is to know each other’s before marriage. But she should release her body, that way she will be able to decide if the dude loves her or not

It's like you lack comprehension. She's not releasing her body to him till he marries her. Simple. If konji is the reason he's acting like this, he should do a wanking session. He'll be fine afterwards.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Neowanskywalker: 4:38pm On Feb 23
Laughing . . .red pillers d0n make this guy lose what he cherish m0st in the world. Op. Run f0r ur life or u end up getting murdered
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by i926: 4:41pm On Feb 23
OP, pack your stuffs and leave. You should even count yourself lucky that he coped with whatever bullsh!t attitude + no sex rule that you imposed on the dude. He is tired of your nonsense.

I recently kicked a girl outta my place cuz "ayam" allergic to bullshit.

I've come to realize that nothing beats living alone... planning alone and doing everything alone...peace of mind.

Men should live free, be wild and have fun. Don't let no woman set rules for you. Kick her out on time, if she starts getting too comfortable.

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by JOSH54(m): 4:51pm On Feb 23
IF I WERE D ONE, I WILL PACK N LEAVE HIS PLACE because ITS TOO EARLY FOR SUCH THINGS TO SHOW UP. DAT MEANS, WHEN U GET MARRIED, D COMPLAIN WILL DOUBLE BUT ITS UR CHOICE because U KNOW WHAT U WANT IN MARRIAGE N DONT ASSUME DAT HE WILL CHANGE AFTER D MARRIAGE. D FRUIT DAT HE WILL BEAR OR PRODUCE IN D MARRIAGE DAT IS WHAT U ARE SEEING NOW.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by okpalaAnambra: 4:58pm On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:


The house I was staying is kukuma still there.
Nobody pursue me
I still have the key to the house and visit it from time to time.
I don’t evn have issues helping out and I do. I can split a rent or even pay the whole rent because I understand my hubby is completely spent our on school fees or something else. He shouldn’t borrow. but wen little items start getting counted, like dstv, Apple etc (things u wld do with or without me) or it becomes a thing of offense...I get so scared. I even started thinking at a point that this is the right thing or way. Share cost of the Apple, 400 naira wheat etc. should I say loneliness caused it ? It’s a boring state

But u hit the nail on the head!!!
Is it Ekiti, Bayelsa or osun state grin
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by i926: 5:08pm On Feb 23
Truvel:
Ur Current Boo Is Not Good 4 U. U Will Experience Nightmare, Sorrow & Regret If U Marry Him.

Do you even know the kind of struggle he is facing while trying to cope with whatever bullsh!t, she ain't telling us here?
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by i926: 5:12pm On Feb 23
coldFLARES1:
You just love it when women report domestic issues,........they're never in the wrong! grin

Nonetheless, I could advice from your narration already. Lady, please end that mock marriage youve been experimenting with by cohabiting with that guy for over a year now. The revelations are damning and are a pointer to what disaster the both of you would make of the marriage institution.

To a large extent, I agree with your boyfriend about being put-off by the unwillingness of a working spouse to contribute to the running of the home while also being jolted by his rather open clamour that you share the bill in a certain ratio. But you see, where you said he eats 5times a day (someone who supposedly goes to work) while you eat one and a half time a day is the deal-breaker for me. Shows you would be comfortable even if he decides to eat like a chicken but provided he doesn't bother you with requesting your contribution (a working woman).

Please kindly leave his house; get your apartment; be totally responsible for yourself while you await someone else that has no qualms with being totally responsible, in a relationship/union, with a woman that earns but yet is unwilling to contribute to the welfare/wellbeing of her home.
Well said!
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Liposure: 5:15pm On Feb 23
Sixfeetbelle:


It's like you lack comprehension. She's not releasing her body to him till he marries her. Simple. If konji is the reason he's acting like this, he should do a wanking session. He'll be fine afterwards.
on the contrary, the guy is not interested in sex
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by i926: 5:16pm On Feb 23
StennyB:



Sorry to say...You have a flatmate and not a potential husband.
Its not compulsory to split the bills with a man.
He's just showing you his real self. If you can't deal then walk.
Potential wife that is hoarding pussy. Is that one wife material? undecided
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Oyiboman69: 5:41pm On Feb 23
SweetCunt97:
Marriage is team work but not down to apples oooo! Any guy that try such shit with me aint serious, tjank God i don't date all these equal bill splitting men.

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Oyiboman69: 5:45pm On Feb 23
Draslo:
Both of you, una engine don rust. No oil. Excess friction.


Trust me, the no sex rule is contributory to your problems. In this difficult country, how will I live with a woman without entering her body, subject her to my will with multiple climaxes often?? Excess sexual tension na recipe for disaster not only at home but even in the office environment.
And you believe that crap...all is way making us not to discredit her for cohabiting with a man without marriage... No be only one year,na twenty years undecided undecided
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Komu1048(m): 6:46pm On Feb 23
Sixfeetbelle:


It's like you lack comprehension. She's not releasing her body to him till he marries her. Simple. If konji is the reason he's acting like this, he should do a wanking session. He'll be fine afterwards.


Babies always quick to insult
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by StennyB: 6:49pm On Feb 23
i926:

Potential wife that is hoarding pussy. Is that one wife material? undecided

Okay...

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