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Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? - Romance - Nairaland

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Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 10:41pm On Feb 22
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent. I shouldn’t pay so I won’t come tomorrow and say I contributed to the house rent. I even said ok use the money for food and other things you complain about, but he said he won’t collect it under the umbrella of house rent that never.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself and he knows fully well. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food and so if they contributed it would go towards that.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by budaatum: 10:43pm On Feb 22
budaatum:
It sounds like you have not got a mind of your own and do what his boss and his friends and now what Nairalanders will tell you to do, while you ignore the horrible future with this man that is being shown to you.

Open your eyes and see sweatheart.

11 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by chatinent(m): 10:45pm On Feb 22
Why creating multiple trends?

Did he do it twice?

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by OlayemiAshraf(m): 10:51pm On Feb 22
In my own point of view.... this dude don't love you anymore.... he's giving you green light to move on with your life..... ordinary apple 800.. you still contribute ..ahh ahh ahhh..kilode ... where's the love

28 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by lilvicky68(m): 11:00pm On Feb 22
Your marriage will be filled with complain and nagging if you continue with him..fullstop..

43 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Yusufisraelj(m): 11:02pm On Feb 22
OP

While self control have reigned cheifly in your relationship and avoiding premarital sex, I don't think it's too ideal, visits fine, but cohabitation, ehh No.

Naturally you will think you wouldn't have found this out without cohabitation, then it's obvious you were not very observant, bkos you can decern people from everyday behavior, speech and how they live, how they treat people they don't need, the friends they keep, how they relate and their convictions about life, their goals and ambitions, there level of selflessness towards others.

You didn't need cohabitation to find out his limitation in being selfless. You just needed more decernment and observation, infact interaction reveals a lot about people, I guess you were binded by love. grin

Your guy should have demonstrated selflessness, naturally good people tend to want to contribute when they percieve that selfness nature from their significant other.

Well, the decision to stay or run is up to you on what you want in life and what is important to you in a marriage.

13 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by after4: 11:04pm On Feb 22
You should ask yourself if you can live with this for the next 2,3,5 and 10 years, if not, move on with your life

14 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by SmellySperm(m): 11:05pm On Feb 22
u denied him sex?how on earth u wanted him to ease off konji? I see this as a relationship krinkum krankumundecided

u wanna deny him sex till after marriage?how will u both know if his preeq matches ur puzzy? tomorrow now you'll cheat on the niqqa due to sexual incompetency

.
meanwhile,he's wrong on the issue of foodstuffs tho

6 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Margy(f): 11:05pm On Feb 22
mumu op!
common pack your load and get out of there! you are living with someone who is not your husband..are you alright like this?

whats all this nonsense? you are eating this and that, lets contribute and pay dstv!..aahh.what I'm i reading so...this irk me walai

24 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 11:06pm On Feb 22
SmellySperm:
u denied him sex?how on earth u wanted him to ease off konji? I see this as a relationship krinkum krankumundecided

u wanna deny him sex till after marriage?how will u both know if his preeq matches ur puzzy? tomorrow now you'll cheat on the niqqa due to sexual incompetency
�����
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by extol1(m): 11:13pm On Feb 22
op, irrespective of whatever we say I think you are the only one that knows where the shoe is heating you hard.
just use your common sense. period

2 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Oche211(m): 11:17pm On Feb 22
You are still dating him but you decided to test run marriage by moving in with him.

Let me ask you, where were you staying before meeting him? Just pack your bags and make up kits and go back. It's obvious you have over stayed your welcome and see-finish syndrome has entered this relationship...
Again, it may also be that it's his basic mindset about Sharing responsibilities equally.

You are the one who stays with him, na you dey see the attitudes. You don't need our validation if you see a red flag.

If it looks like a red flag, then it's a red flag. Both of you are not a match or should I say you are not compatible.

You belong to the school of thought that see the man as the ultimate provider, he believes in shared or equal responsibilities. Let him go and meet a feminist who fits his mould while you meet a man who will take care of you...

This one is not a love matter, it's not a grammar matter.
Don't try changing him cos it can't happen. Unless you are ready to compromise.

As you see am so, na so e go be for marriage.
Marriage doesn't change people...

24 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 11:22pm On Feb 22
Oche211:
You are still dating him but you decided to test run marriage by moving in with him.

Let me ask you, where were you staying before meeting him? Just pack your bags and make up kits and go back. It's obvious you have over stayed your welcome and see-finish syndrome has entered this relationship...
Again, it may also be that it's his basic mindset about Sharing responsibilities equally.

You are the one who stays with him, na you dey see the attitudes. You don't need our validation if you see a red flag.

If it looks like a red flag, then it's a red flag. Both of you are not a match or should I say you are not compatible.

You belong to the school of thought that see the man as the ultimate provider, he believes in shared or equal responsibilities. Let him go and meet a feminist who fits his mould while you meet a man who will take care of you...

This one is not a love matter, it's not a grammar matter.
Don't try changing him cos it can't happen. Unless you are ready to compromise.

As you see am so, na so e go be for marriage.
Marriage doesn't change people...

The house I was staying is kukuma still there.
Nobody pursue me
I still have the key to the house and visit it from time to time.
I don’t evn have issues helping out and I do. I can split a rent or even pay the whole rent because I understand my hubby is completely spent our on school fees or something else. He shouldn’t borrow. but wen little items start getting counted, like dstv, Apple etc (things u wld do with or without me) or it becomes a thing of offense...I get so scared. I even started thinking at a point that this is the right thing or way. Share cost of the Apple, 400 naira wheat etc. should I say loneliness caused it ? It’s a boring state

But u hit the nail on the head!!!

10 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by DaddyRochie1642(f): 11:28pm On Feb 22
Madam if nobody here wants to tell you the truth, then I DaddyRochie will Tell you the Bitter Truth.


From your Story up there, you are displaying the typical Nigerian woman Selfishness and I say this without Remorse.... Even if that man eats Five times a day and you eat twice a day, the mistake you made from the beginning is to wait for the man to complain first before you start contributing to food stuffs,

I read in your story where you said you and him contributed half of the money to pay for the DStv subscription and you said you find it absurd..Didnt your mother tell you that marriage is all about Team-Work.. don't you know genuine team work from the parties involved moves a team forward.

Let me tell you a Secret, anytime you hear a woman say "I'm Fighting for my Marriage or I Will Fight For my Marriage",... believe me, that woman made that Statement because she invested alot of effort into that marriage, thats why she won't let that marriage crumble just like that without a Fight.


Lastly, why do I have this feeling that you just moved in with that man out of Pity,

I put it to you that you have no feelings for that man.. you moved in with that man with this mentality of
"I Deserve to be taken care of and he is supposed to move heaven and Earth to take care of Me".... Better discard that Foolish mentality in your Head and Contribute positively to that man's Life, give that man peace of mind, support that man, you don't need to wait for him to start lamenting.

I know you have no feelings for that man, and you're with him out of Pity, stop Deceiving yourself and that man and do the needful.

A smart woman will never see anything wrong in equal contribution in order to move a home forward that she will still enjoy the Lion Share in the Long Run.

Simply put, I can tell you without Remorse that you're not Mentally ready for Marriage..go and meet your mother to educate you more on marriage.

44 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by SweetCunt97(f): 11:38pm On Feb 22
Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent. I shouldn’t pay so I won’t come tomorrow and say I contributed to the house rent. I even said ok use the money for food and other things you complain about, but he said he won’t collect it under the umbrella of house rent that never.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself and he knows fully well. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food and so if they contributed it would go towards that.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?
Abeg go back to your house jarey. That one never ripe for marriage. Besides why d fvck would u let allow someone woo you for one and half years? Like wtf!

3 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by SweetCunt97(f): 11:41pm On Feb 22
Iamafinegirl:


The house I was staying is kukuma still there.
Nobody pursue me
I still have the key to the house and visit it from time to time.
I don’t evn have issues helping out and I do. I can split a rent or even pay the whole rent because I understand my hubby is completely spent our on school fees or something else. He shouldn’t borrow. but wen little items start getting counted, like dstv, Apple etc (things u wld do with or without me) or it becomes a thing of offense...I get so scared. I even started thinking at a point that this is the right thing or way. Share cost of the Apple, 400 naira wheat etc. should I say loneliness caused it ? It’s a boring state

But u hit the nail on the head!!!
Marriage is team work but not down to apples oooo! Any guy that try such shit with me aint serious, tjank God i don't date all these equal bill splitting men.

2 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by SweetCunt97(f): 11:42pm On Feb 22
Margy:
mumu op!
common pack your load and get out of there! you are living with someone who is not your husband..are you alright like this?

whats all this nonsense? you are eating this and that, lets contribute and pay dstv!..aahh.what I'm i reading so...this irk me walai
Its sooo annoying. She even bought her personal milk! Haaa

3 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 11:48pm On Feb 22
SweetCunt97:
Abeg go back to your house jarey. That one never ripe for marriage. Besides why d fvck would u let allow someone woo you for one and half years? Like wtf!
I kept saying no....
But he didn’t give up
Met his boss to talk to me
My friends etc
He was kind of my friend too at the same time just that we weren’t dating and he used to b there for me
He wld help me go buy fuel in my gen in my house
Readily buy me pizza 10pm at night if I said I felt like eating pizza
Go to market together
Sometimes I cook n he eat etc like Dt
He was wooing me then anyways... so those things weren’t a problem then apparently grin

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Remijuice: 11:49pm On Feb 22
Our Nigerian feminists are always confused. They don't know what Feminism stands for,, not knowing when they are standing for or against the ideology..


A feminist that wants to be taking care of, is that one a feminist??


The Future is just femail! cheesy

6 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Draslo(m): 11:59pm On Feb 22
Both of you, una engine don rust. No oil. Excess friction.


Trust me, the no sex rule is contributory to your problems. In this difficult country, how will I live with a woman without entering her body, subject her to my will with multiple climaxes often?? Excess sexual tension na recipe for disaster not only at home but even in the office environment.

10 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by StacyO(f): 12:02am On Feb 23
Following
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 12:03am On Feb 23
Draslo:
Both of you, una engine don rust. No oil. Excess friction.


Trust me, the no sex rule is contributory to your problems. In this difficult country, how will I live with a woman without entering her body, subject her to my will with multiple climaxes often?? Excess sexual tension na recipe for disaster not only at home but even in the office environment.
grin grin grin grin grin grin
These things wld still b there wit or without d sex. When sex tire am...or nothing fascinating about my body again. It would still raise up its ugly head back

7 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by kwaso2(m): 12:05am On Feb 23
Why live with him when u are not ready for romantic affairs. The big truth is that the young man is frustrated. By who? YOU. He is just vetting these frustrations.

Way forward:
Today today, park ur kaya and leave. Respect your self. Dont go to even sleep in a man's house if u r not ready to give him sex.

Egberefa o

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Iamafinegirl: 12:09am On Feb 23
kwaso2:
Why live with him when u are not ready for romantic affairs. The big truth is that the young man is frustrated. By who? YOU. He is just vetting these frustrations.

Way forward:
Today today, park ur kaya and leave. Respect your self. Dont go to even sleep in a man's house if u r not ready to give him sex.

Egberefa o
Well noted
Would do that today
Thank u
But I wld sleep n wake up first ooo and day has to break.
I would be bored living alone Mayb I wld evn cry as I would miss him but there is just this pain in my heart...
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Draslo(m): 12:09am On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:

grin grin grin grin grin grin
These things wld still b there wit or without d sex. When sex tire am...or nothing fascinating about my body again. It would still raise up its ugly head back
Maybe but if he was getting laid every once in a while, he'd proudly shoulder the responsibilities more, trust me. It's in our DNA. He loves you, no doubt but then what? What is love if you're not making it or should I say renewing it?

That said, also remember that this Covid period is very difficult for everyone. Inflation everywhere. Bills are increasing. Commodities are now ridiculously expensive. Insecurity is at it's max. The government lacks empathy. When you consider that, the average Nigerian has every right to be a little hot headed right now.

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by kunkelhanspeter(m): 12:21am On Feb 23
Guy man don see finish tire looking for a way to discharge and look for fresh puxxy sorry aunt

1 Like

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by Poorboy: 12:25am On Feb 23
Since you have been trying and he still complains,

I foresee you still going on with him because you're use to him.

I foresee a fight between you both

I foresee you still going on to marry him thinking he will change after marriage.

I foresee premium tears years after

I foresee anger in the marriage as you continue to try making things work so people won't say you're divorce.

I foresee frustration arising from both sense of entitlement, you contributing with him to pay your children school fees and you bringing more part of the fees because the cheap school he wanted your child to go you didn't like it.

I foresee complains, dispute settling always.


I forsee complete endurance in the marriage in future.

I forsee you turning your children against him and telling your children how wicked their father is.

I forsee the children having hatred for the father because of what you have said.


All these I have seen

5 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by sanity12(m): 2:37am On Feb 23
If everything u said is actually the truth, My sister run o, make e no reach time he go dey count Maggi wey u go put for soup grin , make e no dey go market go grind pepper so u no go cheat am grin


By d way why staying at his place full-time...see finish self don dey d matter....

4 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by TonyeBarcanista(m): 2:43am On Feb 23
It is premature to comment without hearing from the other party.

7 Likes

Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by justosee: 3:24am On Feb 23
Your relationship look like that of university roommates.
Even if you guys want to share every bill, this is obviously not the way to do it.
Re: Am I About To Make A Wrong Marital Choice? by earthrealm(m): 4:04am On Feb 23
Iamafinegirl:
Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?

Your man is likely frustrated from the no sex policy, and wishes you would move out or something.

Y did you move in with him in the first place?.a very wrong move.

Pack out to your own place, you can visit him and go back to your place afterwards.let everyone hv his own space and respect

5 Likes

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