We are always quick to say don't marry for the wrong reasons, there shouldn't be a reason why you love someone. Marry for love and build with him from the scratch.

But these so-called wrong reasons of marrying a financially stable man, running away from firstborns, studying the family to know if your husband is the only successful child, how toxic his family is, and how other wives if there be any are being treated by the family (never be one-sided when concluding) are very important in determining how happy you will be in the marriage and if it will last at all.

Marriage is not just about your spouse alone or whether he loves you or not. You could have an angel for a spouse and his siblings will make your marriage a living hell. I think introverts tend to fall into this trap a lot because they get focused on their partners without learning about the families due to the personality of an introvert.

Force yourself to relate with members of his family, get to know their mindsets and traditions, and if it's something you can cope with. Any red flags, ruuuuun o because you might be ready to manage with your struggling husband out of love, but what do you do when you realize that you also have to deal with his toxic family join the sapa and sacrifices?

Don't be a doormat with friends and family, it's not a good thing. Rather, learn how to improve your emotional intelligence so that you can relate better with your in-laws and set boundaries as well. People need to know when they cross the line without feeling disrespected for no good reason.

If the problem is that you married the wrong guy or family and there's no way around it, take responsibility and learn from your mistakes, perhaps there were red flags you ignored. Being an introvert is no excuse for not doing your due diligence. Be grateful for the lesson and try to do better next time, that's how we learn and grow and become better.

BrighterThanDay:

Force yourself to relate with members of his family, get to know their mindsets and traditions, and if it's something you can cope with. Any red flags, ruuuuun o because you might be ready to manage with your struggling husband out of love, but what do you do when you realize that you also have to deal with his toxic family join the sapa and sacrifices?

Do you necessarily have to deal with his supposedly toxic family because you are married to him?

Consider carefully that marriage is instead an agreement between a man and a woman - no third-parties included as part of the agreement. So the choice is up to the couple to decide for themselves in their agreement if toxic family members will be entertained or not.

To the feminist, being humble is the same as being a doormat.

Kobojunkie:
Do you necessarily have to deal with his supposedly toxic family because you are married to him?

Consider carefully that marriage is instead an agreement between a man and a woman - no third-parties included as part of the agreement. So the choice is up to the couple to decide for themselves in their agreement if toxic family members will be entertained or not.

Yes couples shouldn't entertain third parties. This is even stated clearly in the Bible. But what should a wife do when her husband doesn't think this way. Imagine a man asking his wife not to come in between his family, just because she has refused to be insulted by his younger sister, entertaining an older uncle in his matrimonial home a day after his wedding.

I believe most issues that lead to divorce aside cheating and dishonesty stems from family interferences.

BrighterThanDay:
1. Yes couples shouldn't entertain third parties. This is even stated clearly in the Bible. But what should a wife do when her husband doesn't think this way.

2. Imagine a man asking his wife not to come in between his family, just because she has refused to be insulted by his younger sister, entertaining an older uncle in his matrimonial home a day after his wedding.

3. I believe most issues that lead to divorce aside cheating and dishonesty stems from family interferences.

1. Well, this is one of the reasons why one should ensure these things are ironed out in the agreement before marriage is entered into.

2. I am afraid I don't understand this picture you are painting. The wife does not want to be insulted and so her husband recommends she stay out of his own family's business? I don't understand what you mean.

3. Well yeah, that is why these kind of issues should be resolved upon before and not during the marriage. If both man and woman agree to, for example, prioritize the health of the union over the issues of third- parties, I see no way a third-party can come between them at any point after that has been agreed upon by both man and woman.

Kobojunkie:
1. Well, this is one of the reasons why one should ensure these things are ironed out in the agreement before marriage is entered into.

2. I am afraid I don't understand this picture you are painting. The wife does not want to be insulted and so her husband recommends she stay out of his own family's business? I don't understand what you mean.

3. Well yeah, that is why these kind of issues should be resolved upon before and not during the marriage. If both man and woman agree to, for example, prioritize the health of the union over the issues of third- parties, I see no way a third-party can come between them at any point after that has been agreed upon by both man and woman.

Divorce won't happen most times if people stick to certain promises they made before marriage. These days a man will promise anything just to make you his wife.

There are narcissistic inlaws that will totally neglect a man because he stood up for his wife. He becomes irrelevant and nothing he says is taken seriously. It hurts to be in this situation especially if he is the first child. He begins to develop resentment towards his wife even though he knew he did the right thing by standing up for her when she was victimized.

We all came from somewhere and letting go of that lineage to cleave to your wife for the health of your marriage isn't that easy.

socialmediaman:
Don't be a doormat with friends and family, it's not a good thing. Rather, learn how to improve your emotional intelligence so that you can relate better with your in-laws and set boundaries as well. People need to know when they cross the line without feeling disrespected for no good reason.

If the problem is that you married the wrong guy or family and there's no way around it, take responsibility and learn from your mistakes, perhaps there were red flags you ignored. Being an introvert is no excuse for not doing your due diligence. Be grateful for the lesson and try to do better next time, that's how we learn and grow and become better.

I totally reason this way. But there are people who take boundaries as insults even when done politely and in love. If this happens to be just friends, colleagues or acquaintances, then it's easy to cut them off because someone who doesn't respect your boundaries doesn't mean well and has no business in your life. But it's extremely hard applying this same principle to family members.

BrighterThanDay:


I totally reason this way. But there are people who take boundaries as insults even when done politely and in love. If this happens to be just friends, colleagues or acquaintances, then it's easy to cut them off because someone who doesn't respect your boundaries doesn't mean well and has no business in your life. But it's extremely hard applying this same principle to family members.

You're right. Many people don't understand boundaries. It's easy to cut acquaintances and friends off and limit your circle, but with family, you need a different approach, especially if you're in a society like Nigeria where social interactions with relatives are expected. That's why I mentioned improving on your emotional intelligence.

Try to reason with them before you cut them off. Trust me, it's easier said than done, but it's doable, with the right mindset and approach.

BrighterThanDay:
1. Divorce won't happen most times if people stick to certain promises they made before marriage. These days a man will promise anything just to make you his wife.

2. There are narcissistic inlaws that will totally neglect a man because he stood up for his wife. He becomes irrelevant and nothing he says is taken seriously. It hurts to be in this situation especially if he is the first child. He begins to develop resentment towards his wife even though he knew he did the right thing by standing up for her when she was victimized.

3. We all came from somewhere and letting go of that lineage to cleave to your wife for the health of your marriage isn't that easy.

1. Not necessarily so. Making these agreements harshed out before marriage and even getting them notarized gives one leverage in case of a breach of the agreement. It doesn't necessarily mean divorce won't take place. Instead, should it happen as a result of a breach in the agreement, then the one at fault is the partner who betrayed the agreement. In court, that is a big deal.

Another thing, people should understand that divorce is not a sin and marriage is not meant to serve as a cage or prison. So why sit tight in a situation when you can instead cut your losses and move on from it to better situation?

2. If a man and woman can't exist as husband and wife without any third-party interfering in what is their marriage, what that simply means is that marriage is not a marriage but a community program.

3. It's quite easy if you understand what marriage is meant to be as opposed to what people make of it.

socialmediaman:


You're right. Many people don't understand boundaries. It's easy to cut acquaintances and friends off and limit your circle, but with family, you need a different approach, especially if you're in a society like Nigeria where social interactions with relatives are expected. That's why I mentioned improving on your emotional intelligence.

Try to reason with them before you cut them off. Trust me, it's easier said than done, but it's doable, with the right mindset and approach.

Wise words!

Kobojunkie:
1. Not necessarily so. Making these agreements harshed out before marriage and even getting them notarized gives one leverage in case of a breach of the agreement. It doesn't necessarily mean divorce won't take place. Instead, should it happen as a result of a breach in the agreement, then the one at fault is the partner who betrayed the agreement. In court, that is a big deal.

Another thing, people should understand that divorce is not a sin and marriage is not meant to serve as a cage or prison. So why sit tight in a situation when you can instead cut your losses and move on from it to better situation?

2. If a man and woman can't exist as husband and wife without any third-party interfering in what is their marriage, what that simply means is that marriage is not a marriage but a community program.

3. It's quite easy if you understand what marriage is meant to be as opposed to what people make of it.

I agree with this. But as a man are you willing to be alienated by your birth family for the sake of your marriage?

BrighterThanDay:
I agree with this. But as a man are you willing to be alienated by your birth family for the sake of your marriage?

Alienated in what sense though?

Marriage, again, is an agreement between a man and a woman, meaning any third-party takes a back seat to that agreement. Priority in a married individuals life is meant to be the agreement between him and his partner. Everyone else comes later. So how can a one who understands this be alienated by a third-party who is not a priority?,

Why will a woman be a doormat.doesnt make sense because she needs her sanity too.make nobody ride anybody.we gatz respect ourselves

Kobojunkie:
Alienated in what sense though?

Marriage, again, is an agreement between a man and a woman, meaning any third-party takes a back seat to that agreement. Priority in a married individuals life is meant to be the agreement between him and his partner. Everyone else comes later. So how can a one who understands this be alienated by a third-party who is not a priority?,

Alienated in the sense that you are not included in major family decisions. Sister inlaws are spreading rumours that you married a bad wife and yet you support her in every way. Your siblings have totally shut you out.

Yes you made the right decision to support your wife and protect her which is your main priority. But how about the relationship with birth family, will you just let it go like that? Just because they refuse to be reasonable. You have explored all avenue to ensure you keep both parties happy. But birth family feel they should be prioritized and given the chance to maltreat your wife as they choose or let go of whatever bond or relationship you have with them.

Aaaaarghmed:
Why will a woman be a doormat.doesnt make sense because she needs her sanity too.make nobody ride anybody.we gatz respect ourselves

Exactly!

BrighterThanDay:


Alienated in the sense that you are not included in major family decisions. Sister inlaws are spreading rumours that you married a bad wife and yet you support her in every way. Your siblings have totally shut you out.

Yes you made the right decision to support your wife and protect her which is your main priority. But how about the relationship with birth family, will you just let it go like that? Just because they refuse to be reasonable. You have explored all avenue to ensure you keep both parties happy. But birth family feel they should be prioritized and given the chance to maltreat your wife as they choose or let go of whatever bond or relationship you have with them.

There are times you'll need them, like during a burial or the wedding of your child. It'll be weird if it's just your nuclear family in attendance. Do you get me?

BrighterThanDay:
1. Alienated in the sense that you are not included in major family decisions. Sister inlaws are spreading rumours that you married a bad wife and yet you support her in every way. Your siblings have totally shut you out.

2. Yes you made the right decision to support your wife and protect her which is your main priority. But how about the relationship with birth family, will you just let it go like that? Just because they refuse to be reasonable. You have explored all avenue to ensure you keep both parties happy. But birth family feel they should be prioritized and given the chance to maltreat your wife as they choose or let go of whatever bond or relationship you have with them.

1. A sister-in-law that slanders your partner is no different from an outsider that does the same, whether you support her or not. Since she is "mature" enough to commit such against you, why not sue her, and have her face the consequences of her action, as you meaningfully continue to support her?

As for siblings shutting one out, you have to be more specific since if they do not fund my existence, I don't see how they can necessarily shut me out of what is my own life.

2. It is not necessarily about supporting a wife but upholding the marriage agreement I entered into. Imagine marriage as what it truly is, akin to a business partnership with you and your wife/husband as owners. You understand well that it is essential you and your partner are always on the same page for the business to thrive.

Your relatives will always be your relatives, but that doesn't mean you should entertain them when they are being unreasonable. You don't really need to cut off completely from them but you need to know to ignore them, completely even, when you have to. Again, the priority should be your business and not some other business you are affiliation with.

BrighterThanDay:


Alienated in the sense that you are not included in major family decisions. Sister inlaws are spreading rumours that you married a bad wife and yet you support her in every way. Your siblings have totally shut you out.

Yes you made the right decision to support your wife and protect her which is your main priority. But how about the relationship with birth family, will you just let it go like that? Just because they refuse to be reasonable. You have explored all avenue to ensure you keep both parties happy. But birth family feel they should be prioritized and given the chance to maltreat your wife as they choose or let go of whatever bond or relationship you have with them.

the solution is

As a man, try and create a balance between your wife and your family

So as for, peace to reign

BrighterThanDay:


Alienated in the sense that you are not included in major family decisions. Sister inlaws are spreading rumours that you married a bad wife and yet you support her in every way. Your siblings have totally shut you out.

Yes you made the right decision to support your wife and protect her which is your main priority. But how about the relationship with birth family, will you just let it go like that? Just because they refuse to be reasonable. You have explored all avenue to ensure you keep both parties happy. But birth family feel they should be prioritized and given the chance to maltreat your wife as they choose or let go of whatever bond or relationship you have with them.

Maybe you are married to a weak man who is not wise enough to compartmentalize his family life. No sibling should get too comfortable to the extent of maltreating or insulting you just cos you married into their family. Sadly what you are going through happens and the society expects the wife to turn a blind eye.

BrighterThanDay, I am afraid marriage did not fail you. Rather, the marriage strategy taken by you and your partner in marriage is what failed you both. It is not too late to change things so long as divorce is not on the table. You can both turn things around by coming back to the table to change directions from this point on. A professional marriage counselor can maybe help you both see where you have both had it wrong and help reroute you both toward a direction that will work for you two. In marriage, third-parties are not allowed in the agreement.

Kobojunkiee:
BrighterThanDay, I am afraid marriage did not fail you. Rather, the marriage strategy taken by you and your partner in marriage is what failed you both. It is not too late to change things so long as divorce is not on the table. You can both turn things around by coming back to the table to change directions from this point on. A professional marriage counselor can maybe help you both see where you have both had it wrong and help reroute you both toward a direction that will work for you two. In marriage, third-parties are not allowed in the agreement.

Thank you Kobojunkie. I'm so stressed, I used to be a very industrious lady, one with many ideas to make money and fun to be with, I can just feel this marriage sucking the life out of me. I really want to end this. This emotional torment is too much for anyone.

BrighterThanDay:



Thank you Kobojunkie. I'm so stressed, I used to be a very industrious lady, one with many ideas to make money and fun to be with, I can just feel this marriage sucking the life out of me. I really want to end this. This emotional torment is too much for anyone.

Take things easy. This will pass. Always remember that most trials have expiry dates.
Try to get occupied with other things and think less about this particular situation so it doesn't lead to deep depression which sometimes makes us do things we regret.

Just give yourself sometime, things will iron out themselves. For the Inlaws, try to be at peace with them as much as its within your power. But laslas no be by force. Don't force peace. But don't encourage war or isolation.

All will be well.

Loisemm2:

Take things easy. This will pass. Always remember that most trials have expiry dates.
Try to get occupied with other things and think less about this particular situation so it doesn't lead to deep depression which sometimes makes us do things we regret.

Just give yourself sometime, things will iron out themselves. For the Inlaws, try to be at peace with them as much as its within your power. But laslas no be by force. Don't force peace. But don't encourage war or isolation.

All will be well.

Amen. Thank you so much. God will always show up for you whenever you need him. God bless you

BrighterThanDay:


Amen. Thank you so much. God will always show up for you whenever you need him. God bless you

I was pondering whether to speak up seeing as in your pain, you may not be willing to take any more words and are likely to leave your marriage in the end.

However,
I was in your shoes, in my case hated by my family(mother especially), thus i sought love and married not for riches, but because like you i wanted a family with love.

My inlaws are a story for another day but i have faced traps, set up, which through God i escaped.

I have learnt to Listen with my heart (Spirit) rather than emotions.

I have faced trials and persecutions for my decision to remain in my marriage and fight not by myself but through and with God.

Your Sister in Law wants you to leave your husband knowing it will destoy you.

But in the end the decision is yours and the consequences, yours and yours to bear no one here would bear it with you.

I feel your pain.

vdestro:

I was pondering whether to speak up seeing as in your pain, you may not be willing to take any more words and are likely to leave your marriage in the end.

However,
I was in your shoes, in my case hated by my family(mother especially), thus i sought love and married not for riches, but because like you i wanted a family with love.

My inlaws are a story for another day but i have faced traps, set up, which through God i escaped.

I have learnt to Listen with my heart (Spirit) rather than emotions.

I have faced trials and persecutions for my decision to remain in my marriage and fight not by myself but through and with God.

Your Sister in Law wants you to leave your husband knowing it will destoy you.

But in the end the decision is yours and the consequences, yours and yours to bear no one here would bear it with you.

I feel your pain.

I hope you got victory at least

BrighterThanDay:


I hope you got victory at least

Victory only comes when the game is over!

Right now, the game is still ongoing but i thank God who teacheth me how to war and right now everyone is tired of losing so the battles are way way fewer and nothing We (I and God) can not handle.

BrighterThanDay:
■ Thank you Kobojunkie. I'm so stressed, I used to be a very industrious lady, one with many ideas to make money and fun to be with, I can just feel this marriage sucking the life out of me. I really want to end this. This emotional torment is too much for anyone.

1. The only reason that family is in your face is because your husband allows them interrupt your marriage. Again, marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman --- no third-party allowed in by law.

First thing first, you need to acknowledge the problem point which is your husband and not his siblings. He has no right to blame you for the state of his relationship with his family and he has no right to shove his family and their family matters in your face since that family is a separate unit from the family you have with your own husband. You are related by marriage but that should be that.

Second, since the situation is already as it is, I would advice to you start now working on finding yourself again. Marriage is not meant to remove from the individual but rather enhance the individual. They say two heads are better than one ... so when having two heads become worse than having just one that is to tell you that you are doing in all wrong. Please go back to work, find you and hobbies to occupy your time and mind. If you will benefit from professional mental health counseling, take advantage of it soonest so you do not allow another year to pass you by in this state. Let your children see and know that it is possible to stay strong and bounce back even during times of troubles.

Thirdly, before you consider seriously getting out, I will advice professional marriage counseling. You and your husband need to sit and at least acknowledge the core source of the headaches in your union. It is too easy to blame others when the fact is the power others have over you comes only from that door you open to them. Get a counselor to help mediate and find you two the best way forward so all parties involved are on the same page at the end of it all.

Marriage doesn't fail people. Rather it is the many ill-thoughtout strategies employed by the individuals in the marriage that fails them and acknowledging them for what they are is necessary to help one move on to making better choices and decisions in marriage.

Kobojunkiee:
1. The only reason that family is in your face is because your husband allows them interrupt your marriage. Again, marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman --- no third-party allowed in by law.

First thing first, you need to acknowledge the problem point which is your husband and not his siblings. He has no right to blame you for the state of his relationship with his family and he has no right to shove his family and their family matters in your face since that family is a separate unit from the family you have with your own husband. You are related by marriage but that should be that.

Second, since the situation is already as it is, I would advice to you start now working on finding yourself again. Marriage is not meant to remove from the individual but rather enhance the individual. They say two heads are better than one ... so when having two heads become worse than having just one that is to tell you that you are doing in all wrong. Please go back to work, find you and hobbies to occupy your time and mind. If you will benefit from professional mental health counseling, take advantage of it soonest so you do not allow another year to pass you by in this state. Let your children see and know that it is possible to stay strong and bounce back even during times of troubles.

Thirdly, before you consider seriously getting out, I will advice professional marriage counseling. You and your husband need to sit and at least acknowledge the core source of the headaches in your union. It is too easy to blame others when the fact is the power others have over you comes only from that door you open to them. Get a counselor to help mediate and find you two the best way forward so all parties involved are on the same page at the end of it all.

Marriage doesn't fail people. Rather it is the many ill-thoughtout strategies employed by the individuals in the marriage that fails them and acknowledging them for what they are is necessary to help one move on to making better choices and decisions in marriage.

Thank you

vdestro:


Victory only comes when the game is over!

Right now, the game is still ongoing but i thank God who teacheth me how to war and right now everyone is tired of losing so the battles are way way fewer and nothing We (I and God) can not handle.

All glory to God. I'll rely on him more

Yoruba people will say "one can manage a bad (wife) spouse, but one cannot manage bad in-laws".
You can't separate your spouse from his/her family. Marriage is not an escape pod. Family has great influence on any individual, and no matter how much you love a man, he will always listen to his parents and siblings in one way or the other. He grew up with them, the first 21-30 years (or more) of his life before he married you (after only 1-4 years relationship in most cases). Your partner has (almost) same mindset with his/her family members, so the bias will work against you most of the time.

As for becoming doormat, that rests so much on the man you marry, and the kind of family he has. Some in-laws don't even have your time, but some will sit on your neck.
What I'd tell woman in such difficult situation is, picture yourself as the twin sister of your husband, and all those in-laws were related to you by blood just as they were to him. In that scenario, what would you do? How would you handle the situation? This will water down your anger and bitterness, and you'll be able to find a good solution quickly with your twin brother (your husband). You know how you respectfully handle annoying (and overbearing) people within your own family without causing catastrophe - who do you call first? Who can you say your mind to and it won't turn to fight? Who do you confide in? Who do you seek their help? Who do you just ignore? Who do you tolerate?... etc. etc. If all your in-laws are bad people, it's either you're bad yourself, or you married into the very wrong family. For that, you and your husband need external help or counsellors.
This is why it is important that you're best friends with your spouse. He has a big role to play.

PS
You'll need to first identify if the problem is you, your husband, or his family, or 2 or all of the above! Think objectively. And you'll tackle the problem in that same order. First from your end, then your husband, before you now move to your in-laws.
You - are you being too docile? Are you being too paranoid? What are you doing too much or not enough?
Your husband - does he understand the situation? Does he respect you and the marriage? Can he handle conflicting situations?
In-laws - do they know their place? Do they know where to draw the line? Do they respect your husband? What are their expectations from you/him? Are they aware they're choking you? Are they a good family ordinarily?
And so on.... Asking the right questions will bring the right answers.