From DM

I am married with kids, my wife is a good wife and a loving mother to my kids and I have been cheating on her, how do I stop?

You can't. Foolish man

Rubyjade:
From DM

I pray that your life gets Ruined before you stop

Lol... cheating is inherent in some persons. No matter how many times they are caught,they will still cheat.

Enny2013:
Lol... cheating is inherent in some persons. No matter how many times they are caught,they will still cheat.

inherent gini ?... It's more of foolishness if you ask me. Why must a married man even cheat without mercy ?... Like steady cheating ooo

simple! get another wife and control your dick... don't give your wife infections... I hate men who sleep around like dogs... sometimes having side chics and sleeping around is even more dangerous than getting another wife...

The question might sound funny but truth is the level of cheating in Nigeria is alarming. The percentage of married men that use hotel in Lagos alone is at alarming rate of 86.3% carried out by Barr Olumide Gnosis_help foundation.

When you find yourself engaging in compulsive behavior that you don't want to do, but you do all the same, it can be very confusing. I don't think people are being helpful when they tell you that you have "lame" excuses or that you really do "mean" to cheat. If you haven't been in a place where you find yourself doing things you really don't approve of, then this can be hard to understand.

A good comparison is depression. Most people are well-meaning when they tell you to just pull yourself out of it. Never mind that the depressed person can't do that and that they feel even more guilty when they try and fail, and this makes them more depressed.

Compulsive sexual behavior is quite similar. You can go to SLAA for help. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They may not help you understand the causes of the behavior, but they can help you stop.

I think that it is a problem that they don't help you understand the causes. I think that most people don't agree that sex and love are about the same thing. Most people think they can be separated. Sex is just for fun. Love is the one that means something.

I think sex and love are just two aspects of the same thing. I believe that people who seek out sex are really looking for love. They are looking for connection in a very deep sense.

However, in our society, we are trained to separate the two and to deny our basic needs as a result. You can only have love in a marriage, so any sex outside of a marriage must be the "just sex" kind. No love involved.

I've attended SLAA meetings and found that around half the people there were bipolar, like myself. I think bipolar folk need connection more than most, and we seek it out sexually because that is the literal manifestation of the connection between two people.

Love is more than sex, but then, so is sex more than love. The whole is more than the parts, but the parts can't be separated, so it's sort of stupid to go through a semantic exercise like this. Still, this is how Westerners have learned to understand things: break them up into parts.

I think that your compulsive behavior bothers you and you want to stop because you think it's wrong. I think that until you get what you really want: connection, you won't be able to stop. It is food and water to you. So you have to get it from your wife or from someone else, but you won't be able to stop until you feel truly accepted and loved by someone.

You may be able to control yourself for a while, but unless you are loved, you will always "act out" after a while of depriving yourself. But maybe that's just me.

I learned some things from SLAA, but I gave up when my wife wanted me to stop going to meetings. I don't really like the AA model for meetings. I prefer being able to have cross talk. It didn't seem very friendly to me. I go to other meetings/ support groups that are much better, although not on that topic.

I have a secret lover. I get more of what I need now. But I am still a lost soul in some ways. Perhaps as much as anyone else. But I feel more capable of staying alive, and to me, that is a good thing. Most people tell me I would be hurting my wife and children if I were to kill myself, and although I don't have that same sense of self-worth, I chose to believe them.

These are deep issues, and they can be matters of life and death. You are the only one who knows what it is like in your case. I think it is a shame when people dismiss other people's feelings as making you unworthy of compassion. I don't know what your situation is in any detail, but if it is anything like mine, then I feel compassion for you. This is not at all easy, and it is much more serious than most people think. The pain from not feeling connected to others, while existential, is still incredibly deep.

And the stigma of having sexual problems is even worst than the stigma of mental illness -- a stigma that is very bad in its own right. People think sex is just a matter of hedonism, but I think it is a matter of what is most important in life: learning how to feel connected to others.

Many reading this are actually in the same boat as the OP and really need help as it's an addiction, just as some women are addicted to drugs, alcohol or even men. Most people would say until you die or probably get infected before you realize.

Many people stopped cheating after treating life threatening disease, some other business started going down, others was a rude awakening.

Don't just judge the op, it an addiction that needs help

I'd also add that cheating on one's spouse is not simply one choice. It's a series of choices. One does not just 'accidently fall into bed' with someone else.

It's having a stray adult thought about someone other than your significant other. It's entertaining the idea of straying. It's having more thoughts about other people. It's entertaining more thoughts. Then, it becomes putting yourself in situations where you want to be inappropriate with someone else. Then, it's verbalizing/acting on those feelings/thoughts. It might be a lingering hug...or a touch.... It might even be adding alcohol to the mix to aid with the bad decision-making. It's becomes more physical with the other person, assuming the other is more receptive....and maybe the moment gets brushed off as accidental. Then, it stops being accidental....and now is regular. It's new. it's exciting. it's thrilling. then, it's hiding...it's worrying...it's lying....it's more trouble than originally thought....it's hurting...and soon, it's public information. Destined to get back to the person you were hiding it all from. Relationships fall apart.
Families fall apart.
Trust is lost.
Reputations are lost.
Relationships are no longer the same as they once were.
Businesses and political offices can also be damaged or marred by scandal. (Not in the case of Nigeria)

Not wanting to cheat means stopping at the first steps....and consistently be willing and able to see potential situations occur, and stay clear of them. I was able to piece all of this together by paying attention to other peoples' struggles with the realities of cheating. It's not pretty or glamorous. It's ugly...self-serving and ultimately destructive.

You don't have to live it to know what it has to offer. I've never robbed a bank, but have a pretty clear idea of how it will turn out. I also doubt that anyone would believe that I 'accidently robbed a bank.' Again, it's likely to be a series of bad decisions that gets progressively worse.

Enny2013:
Lol... cheating is inherent in some persons. No matter how many times they are caught,they will still cheat.

Sense fall on you.

The main reason men cheat is one word: OPPORTUNITY. Most men will undoubtedly cheat if they have the option to. In order to combat cheating, you won’t be able to continually fight temptation. You’ll eventually cave in. The main thing that you need to do is limit your exposure to those opportunities to cheat.

Men who don’t have any other options can never cheat! Chris Rock once said that “a man is only as faithful as his options”. The problem with men is that that they always tend to entertain other women they find attractive by flirting, texting, and spending time with them.
They enjoy the female attention because is feeds our egos and it becomes addictive. When you become too close with another woman, it’s only a matter of time before cheating occurs. This is a statement of fact.

What I suggest you do is to remain faithful is refrain from associating yourself with women that you find attractive. It’s very tough but it’s a discipline that you must learn if you can’t keep your hands out the cookie jar. If you find a woman attractive, don't go out of my way to get her number or try to befriend her. I suggest you just simply say “hi” and “bye”. Do not text/chat/message any women in your spare time. Ensures that you are never in position to be able to cheat because you haven’t established that kind of connection with anyone.

I personally don’t feel bad for guys that fall into cheating. They knew what they were doing from the beginning. You knew that chick was hot, you knew she was into you, you went out of your way to keep in contact with her, and you set the stage for it to happen! Don’t come crying to friends or family members when your wife is upset after seeing the inappropriate text conversation in your phone!

LIMIT YOUR EXPOSURE!! learn that discipline. Admit that sometimes, you feel “lame” because you don’t have any “options” despite being a young attractive guy or married man. But you have to make the choice to prioritize your marriage over feeding your ego.

Happy Democracy Day!

Hamachi:
The question might sound funny but truth is the level of cheating in Nigeria is alarming. The percentage of married men that use hotel in Lagos alone is at alarming rate of 86.3% carried out by Barr Olumide Gnosis_help foundation.
....

...I learned some things from SLAA, but I gave up when my wife wanted me to stop going to meetings....

You're posting out of character. You claim to be a woman in your bio.

GreatVocalist:

In that case, he should keep getting married to as many women he sees fit to get down with lol.

read to understand, not to reply!

nazicartel:
inherent gini ?... It's more of foolishness if you ask me. Why must a married man even cheat without mercy ?... Like steady cheating ooo

Lol... I just tire o

You are a dick driven idiot.

GreatVocalist:

I understood clearly before I replied.

You suggested that he should get another wife to stop cheating.

My reply was subtly intended to refute that suggestion. Getting another wife won't stop him from looking at other women to get down with.

All he needs is self control and to love his wife more.

you're just repeating what I've said in a more clarified terms... that's why I said he should control his dick... isn't that the same as self-control? or didn't you see where I typed "I hate men sleeping around like dogs" ?

IamaNigerianGuy:


You're posting out of character. You claim to be a woman in your bio.

You haven't heard of transgender.

Enny2013:
Lol... cheating is inherent in some persons. No matter how many times they are caught,they will still cheat.

Man shall not live by one pussy alone

Hamachi:
You haven't heard of transgender.

Are you transgender?

So you're a guy pretending to be a female, I will add your name to my list

See this type of questions?

I always try my possible best to avoid people like this, I deserve better no cap.
I reject people like this. You are married and you keep cheating on your partner. Haba!

You cheat on me?

I will know.

First in my relationship if I start suspecting you I won't suffer myself asking questions. What I do is. I clone your WhatsApp and read your conversation to know who you speak with, so I go know who I de date. No stories.

Before I marry an enemy.

I can teach anyone here how to clone anyone WhatsApp and read their message directly on your phone.

Check my number on my signature and WhatsApp me.

NB: hold 1k for my drink oo. Before we start[/quote]

Skiborobo:
You can't. Foolish man

How is he a foolish man?

Because u are a woman...don't women cheat too.