Reginaoyah:
I decided to create this account to stay anonymous. I have been married for 11yrs. My marriage is blessed with 2kids. A boy and a girl ( 10 and 6yrs olds). I will try and make this brief. I was 28yrs old when I married. An orphan who grew up with her older brother's wife. I accepted to marry because all my life, I had known hard labour. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. When marriage came, I saw it as an escape route from that lifestyle. Unknown to me that I will be feeling the way that I do now. Few days ago, I thought of killing myself because of what my life has become. My husband was nice before, now I don't know what to tag him . I have prayed and I am tired . He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating. He gives me no support in the small provision business I do but for like 3yrs now I notice that he has change. The only time that he gave me money to add to my business was when I first started it. Some times as a mother and wife, I take things from the store that we use at home. So whenever this shop runs down, he never gives me money, I am always taking loans to fund, then when I finish repayment, I take again. Never buys my clothes or give me money for my hair. When I ask he says he opened shop for me. I have been taking loans to fund the shop because I don't have a helper but my husband looks the other way. We live in a student environment, a student came to buy pure water and stole my phone, my husband didn't bother or think of buying a new one. He's a plumber, whenever he comes back from work and it's like there's a bill, he tells me he doesn't have money. He hides his phone from me so that I don't see alerts. I wear clothes, ppl see me then praise him assuming that he's responsible for them but this man has not given me money for clothes in years. Not even for pants or pads.

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse. He gives me money for food on Saturdays. So I cook a pot of soup and stew which the money will carry...imagine my kids taking rice and stew to school Monday to Friday because they have to eat eba as dinner. This is where I sometimes secretly take them to the shop to change meals. I complained and he said that they have to eat what he has as they are even lucky to see food.

I asked him if he was ready for marriage and he said YES. He married me well. Did everything. But I hate that I married him.

Please, I don't know what to do. I am overthinking because I am already in a 190k debt I don't know how to pay or when. His brother abroad reads my messages then ignore. My brother is old I can't ask him for anything. I feel I married a wicked man. Now we hardly even talk without quarreling.

but come to think of it. If he invested a lot in your business, he is probably expecting that you should have grown it big by now. I believe he doesnt ask you of money, meaning all the money you make from your biz are yours. You need to restrategize, if you pay up your debt see how you grow this biz or look for employment in addition to this biz.

Reginaoyah:
He footing the bills is what men with families do. He's not doing me any favour. You ppl saying I ran down the shop, my dear, it's a small business. My savings was in it too. Business has expenses...light bills, community levies, my fridge freezer went bad at least twice in the past yes, I fixed it from shop proceed. You sometimes eat from it, how will it grow? I cannot divorce him, but we will see in old age.

@bold:



Eku seeing. Hope you sha haven't developed wrinkles by then

Reginaoyah:
1. Did you expect me to reject the proposal when it came?
2. I had reported him to his mother. His brother,and my brother who all happen to be family at different intervals.
3. He only supported the business when I opened it. This business is more than 6yrs. So you give your wife 100k to add to a small business 6yrs ago and expect her to turn it to billions with kids she feeds and same shop you collect small things like toothpaste from? You are just judgemental, no solution.

he opened a biz and not charity. You only feed from the profits and not the goods or the capital. I believe he is the one paying fees and rent.

Brandiebird:


Firstly, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, and for the way you are feeling. I understand you’re frustrated and came online to vent. However, he is not doing “what men do” because there are billions of men who don’t do what he is doing for YOU and his children.

You are only seeing today and the stress you are feeling. Your husband is seeing the next 18 years and how he will meet his responsibilities. Your children are going to need school fees from now until their university. Medical bills can pop up in short notice. You guys need rent and food for the next 18+ years. But you don’t care because “he is a man & that’s his responsibility.”

You sound really ungrateful and you will not win on this negative path that you are planning on. You don’t know if old age is promised to us so don’t project negativity towards your future.

To frank, If your shop folds today, my sister nothing will spoil because your husband is the breadwinner.

You seem to struggle with accountability so I will leave you with this; GRATITUDE is the secret to a good life. God is watching over us and gratitude is the language God responds to. Bring love back into your relationship and you will be amazed what your husband will do for you.

Continue being resentful, feeling vengeful and sad if you want but that will just eat you up from inside and make you sick. May the Most High make things easier for you and your family. 🙏

Edit: I guess we have to declare our gender because the truth is gender based according to Op: I am a female 💅

@bold:

Reginaoyah:
He pays all of that, yes. I am angry that he doesn't support me. I feel like I married my enemy.

this is entitlement my dear. You can leave him.

This thread is a stress relief

Reginaoyah:
1. Did you expect me to reject the proposal when it came?
2. I had reported him to his mother. His brother,and my brother who all happen to be family at different intervals.
3. He only supported the business when I opened it. This business is more than 6yrs. So you give your wife 100k to add to a small business 6yrs ago and expect her to turn it to billions with kids she feeds and same shop you collect small things like toothpaste from? You are just judgemental, no solution.

I will be honest with you, @OP, I think you are the one who first needs to change here. Six years ago in Nigeria, 100k was a considerable sum, even big money. My guess is your husband wanted you not only to have for yourself something to do but also something to bring in some money into the family with. He didn't want you living as a dependent on him. I can see that because what other reason would exist for him to have invested 100k into your business six years ago?

If the reason the business has not been doing well in all that time, is probably due to low or lack of sales or mismanagement, that is something else. And needs to be addressed as just that. I mean for one, you admitting to taking things from the business to use in the home screams mismanagement to me, and by none other than the business owner too. And you taking out loans to help your business only for nothing to come of the infusion afterward is equally on you. If it is that you don't know how to run a business at all then please let your husband know and make sure he knows how bad things have gotten so you can both decide whether the business should be shut down completely.

If you wish to keep the business then look for ways to learn to do better as a business owner. Look for additional ways to earn money on the side to help pay off your loans, read books to run a successful business, etc. You said your husband is a plumber meaning his take-home even now is probably not close to that 100K he gave you 6 years ago. If something bad were to happen tomorrow, there would probably be no big savings stored away somewhere for you and your child to live on, so it is up to you to decide whether you will change for the better or continue as is.

Reginaoyah:
What are you saying? For more than 9yrs, I cloth myself. On festive periods, I cloth myself including my hair. I am on low cut now because I cannot afford it. Even a boyfriend will do better not to talk of a man you are married to. And FYI, this is not about lifestyle. It's the basic.

Madam sorry oh but you make me laugh. Please think about other ways you can earn money, not having boyfriend, you will feel better.
Don't even talk about your husband not giving you money to do your hair or buying clothes, it makes me laug, in this present economy .

shaybebaby:

But there is something, you are here on the Internet, using data and typing from a phone.

There are YouTube tutorials on how to learn different skills. With all of your rant, what skills have you got other than thinking the world owes you a living?

Your husband has one, he is a plumber you say. I'd employ him ( I need a new bathroom)

Can you paint? ( I need to commission a couple of oil painting of african art)

Can you make hair? ( I saw some lovely braids on Pinterest that I considered doing, but the chick charges £ 1000, my money no reach that one so I locked up)

Need I go on?

No offense meant but I feel you are talking to a closed-minded, validation seeker.

There's nothing you can say that'd change her mind. Save your breath.

We have a whole lot of better men out there, just leave the the poor man alone and go satisfy your curiosity....


Na when you enter street finish your eyes go clear and it would be too late to make a reverse then.....

Ok.

laivwire:

Just in case you decide to scrap your post later. This thread is too valuable to be lost.

laivwire:


No offense meant but I feel you are talking to a closed-minded, validation seeker.

There's nothing you can say that'd change her mind. Save your breath.

That's on her then.

She's been given many suggestions and she had a comeback for every one of them.

Her life, her problem. None of us here have a horse this race.

Reginaoyah:

..but we will see in old age.

Just imagine the way you are nursing evil against a man who is your husband! But thanks to life that you are not God and can't determine who will be strong in old age or not.

Your type will poison the children's mind against their dad for no just cause!!

Thanks dear. Noted.

Kobojunkie:
I will be honest with you, @OP, I think you are the one who first needs to change here. Six years ago in Nigeria, 100k was a considerable sum, even big money. My guess is your husband wanted you not only to have for yourself something to do but also something to bring in some money into the family with. He didn't want you living as a dependent on him. I can see that because what other reason would exist for him to have invested 100k into your business six years ago?

If the reason the business has not been doing well in all that time, is probably due to low or lack of sales or mismanagement, that is something else. And needs to be addressed as just that. I mean for one, you admitting to taking things from the business to use in the home screams mismanagement to me, and by none other than the business owner too. And you taking out loans to help your business only for nothing to come of the infusion afterward is equally on you. If it is that you don't know how to run a business at all then please let your husband know and make sure he knows how bad things have gotten so you can both decide whether the business should be shut down completely.

If you wish to keep the business then look for ways to learn to do better as a business owner. Look for additional ways to earn money on the side to help pay off your loans, read books to run a successful business, etc. You said your husband is a plumber meaning his take-home even now is probably not close to that 100K he gave you 6 years ago. If something bad were to happen tomorrow, there would probably be no big savings stored away somewhere for you and your child to live on, so it is up to you to decide whether you will change for the better or continue as is.

Children see more than you think. There's no need for that. My daughter is already saying things.

Stevenbright:


Just imagine the way you are nursing evil against a man who is your husband! But thanks to life that you are not God and can't determine who will be strong in old age or not.

Your type will poison the children's mind against their dad for no just cause!!

With the age difference, noo.

bukatyne:


@bold:



Eku seeing. Hope you sha haven't developed wrinkles by then

100k 6yrs ago I believe was a lot of investment to last me a lifetime.

jesmond3945:
but come to think of it. If he invested a lot in your business, he is probably expecting that you should have grown it big by now. I believe he doesnt ask you of money, meaning all the money you make from your biz are yours. You need to restrategize, if you pay up your debt see how you grow this biz or look for employment in addition to this biz.

Reginaoyah:
Children see more than you think. There's no need for that. My daughter is already saying things.

And you are very glad your daughter is saying things!! Madam amend your ways so that you don't cause needless calamity in your home just because you are hating on someone you should not hate.

Could you please stop advising her.
To her, the man is not up to her demands.

A man who pays rent, power and water bills in this present economy is a mini god. Ko easy

That's women for you anyway. Even God can not satisfy them.

We don't value what we have until we lose it.

Brandiebird:


Do you not think him paying for everything and taking the burden of your shoulders is him supporting you?

Sometimes we get so caught up with the things that we don’t have that we take for granted the things we do have.

There are single mothers out there, even married women, who are the sole breadwinners in their homes. The things you are worried about are luxuries they can’t afford.

I honestly think you need to be kinder, appreciative and supportive of your husband for holding the family down.

As a woman you can get more by just being nice to your husband. I don’t think your husband is some rich man who is being stingy, I think he is a responsible man who is trying to keep his families head above water. He isn’t out there spending his money on small girls and neglecting his family.

My sister cherish what you have before it’s too late. Treat him well, let him know how valuable he is to your life and family, and stop being resentful towards him because it’s the right thing to do and then you might actually get the same treatment back from him.

In all honesty if you took some accountability for your actions then you’d realise that he set you up with a business and you made some poor decisions which ran the business into trouble.

Don’t be the kind of person who blames external factors instead of reflecting and recognising where you went wrong.

I’m sorry if you feel that I am putting you down or putting all the blame on you. I could just as easily tell you to leave your husband but you know that would not help your situation because you can’t take care of your kids and yourself since your husband is the one footing all your bills.

...abi.
Let her go out.

Someone said women are their own problems. I think I'm starting to believe this.

Tokskob2008:
We have a whole lot of better men out there, just leave the the poor man alone and go satisfy your curiosity....


Na when you enter street finish your eyes go clear and it would be too late to make a reverse then.....

OP used 100k received from husband, plus her own savings, to start business six years ago. She has since borrowed 190k to add to the business. Yet the business is failing. Now she is hoping for another cash infusion to a failing business.

If I am in your husband's shoes, I would not put another dime in it, as this business has become a value trap. It will be like throwing good money after bad.

Figure out first what you are doing wrong in the business before asking for additional financial support.

At this rate, even if you are given 1 million naira, it will soon be gone, with nothing to show for it.

Reginaoyah:
God bless you for me. Some of these ppl sounded like they know my husband more than I do. It's a provision business...with two kids that have daily needs I don't ask him for.

About working, who will hire me without experience in any field and already in my 40s with kids? He's not wealthy but I know he has money to support me but he won't. That's why he hides his phone. You need to see my husband when I pick up his phone. What he does is hide it when I am home. A man constantly telling you I don't have money even you know the least 200k should be in his account is what? I don't want to go into too much detail because I would cry.

You just have to try to find something to augment the business and make more money legally.


Now you see that petty provision business -

1. It's not profitable except it would be run strictly as a business only not a pantry where the family will just pick their needs ( which is understandable especially children's needs because you can't turn a blind eye to feeding them) it hardly grows with the pick this pick that.
You make 5 naira profit, you eat 50 naira and so on no way it will grow over the years, you need to re invest but as una dey chop both profit and capital nko what happens?


I do appreciate your honesty in expectations from your husband anyway, you have a right to your expectations.

Is he getting all this things you desire for himself? if no, then you have no case but if yes,then he is being unfair.

Reginaoyah:
1. Did you expect me to reject the proposal when it came?

You're a total stranger madam, I don't expect Jack from you. Facts, I don't even give 2fu.cks about you ...

But an adult should be mature enough not to marry for the wrong reason ...

Reginaoyah:
2. I had reported him to his mother. His brother,and my brother who all happen to be family at different intervals.

Madam, if at this stage of your life, you still believe that shredding your husband's image all in the name of "reporting" is the best way to handle this, then you're honestly not fit to be married ...

And besides, you've been reporting him all this while what has the outcome been? Shouldn't common sense tell you that, reporting him isn't working and that you should change strategy? ...

(Sighs), indeed, common sense is not common ...

Reginaoyah:
3. He only supported the business when I opened it. This business is more than 6yrs. So you give your wife 100k to add to a small business 6yrs ago and expect her to turn it to billions with kids she feeds and same shop you collect small things like toothpaste from? You are just judgemental, no solution.

I expect my wife to be a good business woman, which clearly that's something that you're not ...

You want a solution? ...
I'll give you a few ...

1. Start by appreciating what your husband is doing
2. Improve upon your business skills and try to expand your business so you you can pay off you're debt slowly.
3. Stop reporting your husband to people.
4. Be very open with your husband about finances and let him know how far.

Do this and let's see how far.

Woman it's not rossy outside.
Be a supportive wife and stop nagging. If e hard u, just take over the man's duty and you will see what that man is going through.
Men go through things they hide it and don't shear it with their wife's, they bear the burdens alone. Woman, woman, woman how many times did I call you. Use your head and sew your clothes according to your pocket and not your size.

Fahvvy:
■ I expect my wife to be a good business woman, which clearly that's something that you're not :-You want a solution? ...
I'll give you a few ...
1. Start by appreciating what your husband is doing
2. Improve upon your business skills and try to expand your business so you you can pay off you're debt slowly.
3. Stop reporting your husband to people.
4. Be very open with your husband about finances and let him know how far.
Do this and let's see how far.

The mistake most Nigerian men make, OP's husband one of them, is to assume that every woman is a good businesswoman. Every man out there, even those who claim to own businesses, is not good at business so why in the world would anyone assume that all women, those with businesses on hand, are good businesswomen? I fault OP's husband in that case. Before a sensible individual chooses to invest in a business, he or she ought to carefully investigate the business to realize if it is indeed successful and profitable or simply held up with bandages and loans.

Madam. This complaints too much o. I hope you won't kill Ur husband one day. If he doesn't cheat just as u said then what do u at least suspect he's doing with all the contract money? Drinks or carry give his family? U need to up Ur game o. If the man dies today, walai, u don finish. U are just too dependent on him. Pls learn a skill like hairdressing. Do not look at Ur age tho it's a major issue now. If u gather little money, buy bag of rice, beans and enter marker. Sell. Start small and support Ur husband. Don't do provision shop. It doesn't pay in the long run

Reginaoyah:
I decided to create this account to stay anonymous. I have been married for 11yrs. My marriage is blessed with 2kids. A boy and a girl ( 10 and 6yrs olds). I will try and make this brief. I was 28yrs old when I married. An orphan who grew up with her older brother's wife. I accepted to marry because all my life, I had known hard labour. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. When marriage came, I saw it as an escape route from that lifestyle. Unknown to me that I will be feeling the way that I do now. Few days ago, I thought of killing myself because of what my life has become. My husband was nice before, now I don't know what to tag him . I have prayed and I am tired . He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating. He gives me no support in the small provision business I do but for like 3yrs now I notice that he has change. The only time that he gave me money to add to my business was when I first started it. Some times as a mother and wife, I take things from the store that we use at home. So whenever this shop runs down, he never gives me money, I am always taking loans to fund, then when I finish repayment, I take again. Never buys my clothes or give me money for my hair. When I ask he says he opened shop for me. I have been taking loans to fund the shop because I don't have a helper but my husband looks the other way. We live in a student environment, a student came to buy pure water and stole my phone, my husband didn't bother or think of buying a new one. He's a plumber, whenever he comes back from work and it's like there's a bill, he tells me he doesn't have money. He hides his phone from me so that I don't see alerts. I wear clothes, ppl see me then praise him assuming that he's responsible for them but this man has not given me money for clothes in years. Not even for pants or pads.

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse. He gives me money for food on Saturdays. So I cook a pot of soup and stew which the money will carry...imagine my kids taking rice and stew to school Monday to Friday because they have to eat eba as dinner. This is where I sometimes secretly take them to the shop to change meals. I complained and he said that they have to eat what he has as they are even lucky to see food.

I asked him if he was ready for marriage and he said YES. He married me well. Did everything. But I hate that I married him.

Please, I don't know what to do. I am overthinking because I am already in a 190k debt I don't know how to pay or when. His brother abroad reads my messages then ignore. My brother is old I can't ask him for anything. I feel I married a wicked man. Now we hardly even talk without quarreling.

At this point, you have to adjust to make life easy for you

You will have to manage with what you have and what he gives you to cook with

You will have to cut down on so many things that brings you into debt

Feed them in any economical ways that you can

Leave within your income

Am surprise you didn't mention that you have savings

I don't know the condition and situation your husband maybe but I doubt if things are really working out for him

If you can train yourself to stop expecting things from him, you will be in a better situation

Just pray for God to touch his heart and progress him while you pray for your own progress too

Dont push him too far, else he will be looking for where to get peace outside

Every one is feeling the economic heat now

I do not know why you ladies are like this, you have a provision shop and get daily pay yet still you are still complaining. You are probably earning more than your husband woman, you said he is a plumber, does he get plumbing work to do everyday of the week? I doubt.

He is doing his best by giving you money for soup and stew every week, yet still you are complaining. Common sense is meant to tell you that you ought to complement on what he has provided (soup and stew), rather you are still looking for how he'll be buying u pad.

Stop complaining and face ur home squarely. Nigeria isn't easy for anyone.

You two are clearly not on the same page. It seems to me like you both want different things from the marriage or got into for very superficial reasons and you did not take the time to get to know each other well enough. There's no transparency/communication.


It seems to me like the money matter is just an effect of a deeper problem- he doesn't show that he loves you or care for you and is nonchalant about your person or being intimate with you. And in his mind, he probably thinks he doing just enough - as a "husband should." He's paying the "big bills." Nothing more, what else could you ask for?

And it's not as if you're not providing little necessities in your own way too. For the people asking you how you're "supporting" him in his "duty," I have to wonder if he's sharing in your workload of raising the kids and running the home too. Like why are you expected to compromise and understand him, where he's coming from "in this economy", and there's no where in your story that you hinted at him helping you out. Like if he's going to provide, he should go all the way? You also take stock from your shop to supply necessities at home. WHICH YOU BOTH USE, for Christ's sake! I honestly can't say I don't get where you're coming from. And some might say a marriage should not be reduced to a "me vs. him" thing, but then again, nobody is in your shoes to know where it pinches you really. Call it blaming, it's just what it is.


Most people are fixated on the money part, but I see it as you even just expecting him to be considerate and sensitive to your needs, IF AT ALL he doesn't have the money to give. Your phone was stolen and he didn't even bother to ask, ask you o, that "ah? What happened? How did it happen? What should we do about it now?" That's selfish to me. And it has nothing to do with money.

You're watching your wife's business crumble, not bothering about her upkeep and grooming, and you don't expect resentment to grow? If the business is crumbling, what ever happened to him sitting her down, as a couple, and figuring out how to get her out of the financial rot? Your other half is sinking, but you think it is not a reflection on you. For a people that like to talk about the holy union of marriage, the independent, "be-your-own-boss-in-the-marriage" advice most of you are giving her are just...

And I am fairly certain she performs her "wifely" duties to him, and take care of the kids the most.


She says her daughter in already talking, yeah, we're literally seeing it playing out how fathers just think it is enough to foot the big bills, not caring about emotional investment in the children and then tomorrow, people will come and start talking of the "sacrifices" the father made for them that the children did not acknowledge but love their mum more instead. When they can see how he's treating their mother now.


'She should take accountability for the business running down.' It's easy to say now. When five years ago, Buhari was in power. As at last year, Tinubu became the president, and we see how bad things have spiralled. If the man has refused to give her money for upkeep/provide for necessities, from where is she supposed to get the money? She should watch the children go hundred or eat rice from morning 'till night, Monday to Friday? No, I am not going putting 100% of that blame on you, but since you've taken a loan in the hope that it'll boost the business and it's not working, you might have to try another way of making money as it's evidently "all man for himself."

Ideally, you should have your partner behind you, but since sadly that's not the case with real life. You just have to find something to do that doesn't involve you putting more money into it, and I believe you'll figure it out. You strike me as a smart woman.


All the best.

Reginaoyah:
1. Did you expect me to reject the proposal when it came?
2. I had reported him to his mother. His brother,and my brother who all happen to be family at different intervals.
3. He only supported the business when I opened it. This business is more than 6yrs. So you give your wife 100k to add to a small business 6yrs ago and expect her to turn it to billions with kids she feeds and same shop you collect small things like toothpaste from? You are just judgemental, no solution.

From your response so far…you are a very timid and shallow minded person.

1. Yes! You are expected to turn down marriage proposal when you haven’t done your due diligence. How can you see marriage as an escape route?
2. Stop reporting him. Stop bringing third party to your issues. It will only make things worse
3. I turned 200k I was given 2 years ago to almost 10 million naira and I kid you not. You’re just not a smart business woman! Stop taking things from your business for personal use and if you must, pay the amount of that item to your account.

You don’t know if that man is broke..which one is “but he gets contracts..don’t he get paid?” Don’t you know some workers are being owed after a job? At least, he provides food for the house cut him some slack! Some families haven’t even seen garri to drink but he provides rice and eba and you’re complaining you need varieties.
Next time when you take things from your shop for personal use payback the money for that item..that’s how smart people behave.