Chai @ Topic

Na wa, so some people actually make fun of their fellow women's lifestyle choice of being an housewife, wow, women are truly their own worst enemies.

Anyway, as long as you remain married to a Nigerian man, you are still in the same boat with the rest of your female counterpart, so really what are you after? If a Nigerian man decrees you not to work and has stated he does not want you to get a job, you only have two options innit, well three, namely: walk/talk/fall-in.

Well, my years on NL has taught me that everyone who comes here with a story is here only because they want to fall-in with minimal bruising and injuries, with advises on the right medication to apply to minimise the pain and lessen the suffering. If you wanna walk, you would not come here but would have gone to contact a Solicitor to help you file for divorce. You can go for the option of talking until you are blue in the face with no favourable result or best stick with falling in line and go with Richvkunt's advise.

All we can do in such situation is whoop and holla for you to stand your ground and don't put up with BS and know your worth and blah, blah, blah, at the end of the day, you are the only one who knows where your shoe is pinching.


NOW THE BALL IS BACK IN YOUR COURT, FROM WHENCE IT NEVER LEFT

debrief08:

I dont know how you got the ideas and the things you wrote, lol. Me and Agiboma know what am talking about. You are way behind. Let go of what? We have kissed and made up tay tay no be today. The person i wrote to has read and understands, the other person has also read and agreed, there is no issue here.

You are still writing basic English, so the odd 4/5 people pulling you up for flipflopping, must be on to something. Was equally only just responding too ni oh, so you also have the option to take it or leave it. Na give and take and chop I chop make the world go round. It is well.

Busy_body:



Let this jenny issue rest and die down, I said that day that I was talking to 3 and half people and Jenny was the half person cos all she did was say she supported the other 3 ladies attacking you. Again I did not miss where she used the word ashewo, which was her only further comment until you replied querying her maturity. . .now all I am trying to say is we all know you are not an ashawo, but your hubby, so you could have let go then. And yes you have a right to respond, but have it in mind that the person you are responding to would equally have the right not to back down and would want to punch you right where it would inflict the most damage, hence reason I was telling Siena then that Jenny does not fight herself. Hope you can at least take one thing out of this speech of mine, thanks.  

BB i respect you but you are blinded with this jk issue, for instance when ppl have  to post on nl and ask jk to be nice to them, there is a problem. This whole quarrel started when she "attacked" uplawal because of her reply to the on the thread. Uplawal was simply expressing her opinion of which i agreed with her on the advice she gave OP. Well jk had a very opposite view and instead of expressing her view in a mature way she began her usual tyrant, name calling insulting ppl etc. BB I am a lot stronger than you think and i hate it when others try to put another down and bully them, I always cheer for the under dog and i dont conform myself to please others, meaning i wont change my views because its the popular beleif. I can see my battle on nl is an upward one as i certainly dont share the mainstream views and thats ok with  me. I will try to make a great effort to ignore future childish rants as they are not worth the energy spent on replies.

Look at what she wrote above honestly is this type of human being worth defending, i am asking and speaking to you only BB on this one?

@db we aint got any beef anymore, i have accepted her apology and one thing about my charecter is that i dont hold gruges, i forgive and move on

You are a shameless piece of thrash. Do I look to you like someone that needs defending? You are a senseless effing circumcised frog. I was doing to Uplawal what you were doing to me you hypocrite. Uplawal was busy making silly assumptions about other women she's never meant in real life and that was the reason why I jumped in, but you stopped all you were doing, BY THE WAY I know you were using your d!ldo half way through heavenly feeling to come here and say thrash, you mentioned my name and I insulted you and believe me, I do not regret reminding you that you are cursed specie whose only worth lies in the hands of her second class deflated saggy body

slowpoke.

Yea, run to BusyBody, she is the only one that can save you, the only one that cannot see through your pretense, let her continue giving you the heads up. Thats what you want isn't it? well you've got it frog.

PS and for the record, if you come on threads and start something with me again? I will make sure I hit you so hard that for the next 3 decades your waking up and going to bed will revolve around tears of sadness.

Busy_body:


Well, my years on NL has taught me that everyone who comes here with a story is here only because they want to fall-in with minimal bruising and injuries, with advises on the right medication to apply to minimise the pain and lessen the suffering.

Hmmm, poignant!

Busy_body:


Anyway, as long as you remain married to a Nigerian man, you are still in the same boat with the rest of your female counterpart, so really what are you after? If a Nigerian man decrees you not to work and has stated he does not want you to get a job, you only have two options innit, well three, namely: walk/talk/fall-in.

Walking is too drastic an option now. The ‘worst’ she could do is simply take the job regardless of what the husband says and deal with the fall out after.

I have a question though, do people think the man will leave her if she takes the job? Are there guys here who would?

ileobatojo:

Hmmm, poignant!

Walking is too drastic an option now. The ‘worst’ she could do is simply take the job regardless of what the husband says and deal with the fall out after.

I have a question though, do people think the man will leave her if she takes the job? Are there guys here who would?

If she takes the job, any man would see this as an affront to their authority and take offence to their manhood and decision making role being queried and this would knock his ego for six. This is tantamount to the OP rubberstamping his licence to behave badly and although men hate involving third parties in their affairs, they will not hesitate in this instance to involve the families, so that when he starts misbehaving, he will blame the poor woman and then the families would start telling the woman off for not being submissive enough.

Many men would, or don't you see the way these educated ones we have on NL are so particular about women respecting them or submitting to them ni, even when they are still acting like he-goats I even just read somewhere on a submissive thread not long ago whete Coogar stated no man wants to marry a tout. As if that is the opposite of submissive

agiboma:

BB i respect you but you are blinded with this jk issue, for instance when ppl have  to post on nl and ask jk to be nice to them, there is a problem. This whole quarrel started when she "attacked" uplawal because of her reply to the on the thread. Uplawal was simply expressing her opinion of which i agreed with her on the advice she gave OP. Well jk had a very opposite view and instead of expressing her view in a mature way she began her usual tyrant, name calling insulting ppl etc. BB I am a lot stronger than you think and i hate it when others try to put another down and bully them, I always cheer for the under dog and i dont conform myself to please others, meaning i wont change my views because its the popular beleif. I can see my battle on nl is an upward one as i certainly dont share the mainstream views and thats ok with  me. I will try to make a great effort to ignore future childish rants as they are not worth the energy spent on replies.

Look at what she wrote above honestly is this type of human being worth defending, i am asking and speaking to you only BB on this one?

@db we aint got any beef anymore, i have accepted her apology and one thing about my charecter is that i dont hold gruges, i forgive and move on

My 20/20 vision is perfectly intacta babes, i haven't defended Jennykadry on this thread yet. As you don't like seeing underdogs being bullied is the same way i equally look out not only for underdogs, but topdogs as well. I can't stand bullies, and cannot look the other way, even if the "victim" is Mike Tyson.

Like i always say she is not fighting herself, if she says something and no one responds, this usually ends things right there and then, but the moment she gets a response all gloves are off and it becomes a no holds barred fisticuffs. And then is not the time to start wondering who did what and who said what first, and it will surprise you that in some instances when I have been compelled to go through every detail of a fight with a finetoothed comb, it is not the presumed guilty party at fault.

Now you say she is known on NL for blah, blah, blah, so in that case why not do the rational thing and ignore her even if she steps on your toes, why unwittingly try to act the martyr by engaging in the very same thing you are dissapproving her for? Especially as she is known for her "for every action, there should be a reaction stance" huh! Surely you cannot be engaged in a back and forth slanging match with her and expect someone to come in and say "this person is at fault" and expect everything to die down, common Agiboma. One person would have to throw in the towel first, and it is not ludicrous for the person claiming the higher moral ground to surrender surely. And most definitely, the person conceeding would be feeling hurt pride but if you wanna disengage from fighting, something's gotta give and if it has to be pride, hey ho. . .

I don't have any problem telling Jenny off when she is wrong, and most times all it takes is a playful bite, but a bite no doubt, such as "jennykadry you have skipped medication/Jenny its past your bedtime" and you could often see her trying to justify why she should stay up hence reason she says stuffs like "ekuro lona joo"(please move out of my way lemme deal with her), and in such instances she will still be "trading" words with someone whilst simultaneously having a "but BB, but why can't I BB. . ." convo with me, whilst I too is also having a convo with the person whom Jenny is exchanging words with to take their focus off Jenny and face me squarely. . .phew.

Yeah it seemed apparent at first glance that Jenny "attacked" Uplawal's post first, but if you go through uplawal's post, it was full of downright condescending condemnation for every women on this thread supporting the OP not to succumb to the role of a housewife. And what, Jenny took offence to, was why uplawal only singled out women for her tongue-lashing and not the men that said the same thing too. So as you can see in this case, Jenny had no right to "attack" Uplawal and Uplawal also did not have the right to "initially attack" her fellow womenfolks which includes Jennykadry on this thread. This is a clear case of which came first - the chicken or the egg, and we will be here the whole day if we wanna discuss the merit of who done what first the summary of this simple matter can be found in the proverb "whomever is willing to stick their hands in the bee's nest should not mind getting stung"

And hey I love pushing out the boat too and don't like being boxed in or conforming to maintain status quo, so I guess we are alike in that respect. And the same way you tried sticking up for Uplawal was the same way myself, Moremi and Richvkunt briefly stuck up for you, though it wasn't blatant to you. Hey its a dog eat doggone world out here on NL don't you agree

how i fit take read all wetin you write there so BB  i must put your name to give toast o this summer
how are you, long time.
well, if i were the lady, i will focus on having all my kids at least for now. By the time you are done with the 3rd child, the first one is old enough.
i think she should listen to her husband. he paid for your postgraduate edu, paid for trip to US, ha girl, relax o and enjoy life for now. he wish you well.

the stress for job sef, i'd prefer to put on my thong and go to the beach or sit by the swimming pool sipping some exotic mango rum.

ok so let me get this straight- to those bangin on about health. If she works, is the baby going to enter back up into the cervix and miscarry itself?

cmon!!

armyofone:

how i fit take read all wetin you write there so BB  i must put your name to give toast o this summer
how are you, long time.
well, if i were the lady, i will focus on having all my kids at least for now. By the time you are done with the 3rd child, the first one is old enough.
i think she should listen to her husband. he paid for your postgraduate edu, paid for trip to US, ha girl, relax o and enjoy life for now. he wish you well.

the stress for job sef, i'd prefer to put on my thong and go to the beach or sit by the swimming pool sipping some exotic mango rum.

The thing sef tire me, and i nor get PA, and na on top phone i dey, i don dey suspect small small say na disease sef, lol. I am sure i have been bitten by one of Jennykadry's housemate at yabaleft during one of my daily charitable visits to see them Hope there is a cure sha

queensmith:

ok so let me get this straight- to those bangin on about health. If she works, is the baby going to enter back up into the cervix and miscarry itself?

cmon!!

i bet what they mean is 4 years to get one baby. Especially in that Naija where women are expected to be rocking a big belly on their wedding day as proof of their fertile status. Dang women eyes dey see for that Nigeria mehn, men who don't want virgins want fertile women

queensmith:

ok so let me get this straight- to those bangin on about health. If she works, is the baby going to enter back up into the cervix and miscarry itself?

cmon!!

You’re right, some, or all, of his (probable) fears about her health and work are likely unfounded. That’s why I suggested they should hear it from a doctor. The husband may not listen to her if she tells him herself that she can handle it all.

That said, one can never fully tell how some people react to different stressors.

thread derailers, pls take note, open another thread for your beef

Busy_body:

My 20/20 vision is perfectly intacta babes, i haven't defended Jennykadry on this thread yet. As you don't like seeing underdogs being bullied is the same way i equally look out not only for underdogs, but topdogs as well. I can't stand bullies, and cannot look the other way, even if the "victim" is Mike Tyson.

Like i always say she is not fighting herself, if she says something and no one responds, this usually ends things right there and then, but the moment she gets a response all gloves are off and it becomes a no holds barred fisticuffs. And then is not the time to start wondering who did what and who said what first, and it will surprise you that in some instances when I have been compelled to go through every detail of a fight with a finetoothed comb, it is not the presumed guilty party at fault.

Now you say she is known on NL for blah, blah, blah, so in that case why not do the rational thing and ignore her even if she steps on your toes, why unwittingly try to act the martyr by engaging in the very same thing you are dissapproving her for? Especially as she is known for her "for every action, there should be a reaction stance" huh! Surely you cannot be engaged in a back and forth slanging match with her and expect someone to come in and say "this person is at fault" and expect everything to die down, common Agiboma. One person would have to throw in the towel first, and it is not ludicrous for the person claiming the higher moral ground to surrender surely. And most definitely, the person conceeding would be feeling hurt pride but if you wanna disengage from fighting, something's gotta give and if it has to be pride, hey ho. . .

I don't have any problem telling Jenny off when she is wrong, and most times all it takes is a playful bite, but a bite no doubt, such as "jennykadry you have skipped medication/Jenny its past your bedtime" and you could often see her trying to justify why she should stay up hence reason she says stuffs like "ekuro lona joo"(please move out of my way lemme deal with her), and in such instances she will still be "trading" words with someone whilst simultaneously having a "but BB, but why can't I BB. . ." convo with me, whilst I too is also having a convo with the person whom Jenny is exchanging words with to take their focus off Jenny and face me squarely. . .phew.

Yeah it seemed apparent at first glance that Jenny "attacked" Uplawal's post first, but if you go through uplawal's post, it was full of downright condescending condemnation for every women on this thread supporting the OP not to succumb to the role of a housewife. And what, Jenny took offence to, was why uplawal only singled out women for her tongue-lashing and not the men that said the same thing too. So as you can see in this case, Jenny had no right to "attack" Uplawal and Uplawal also did not have the right to "initially attack" her fellow womenfolks which includes Jennykadry on this thread. This is a clear case of which came first - the chicken or the egg, and we will be here the whole day if we wanna discuss the merit of who done what first the summary of this simple matter can be found in the proverb "whomever is willing to stick their hands in the bee's nest should not mind getting stung"

And hey I love pushing out the boat too and don't like being boxed in or conforming to maintain status quo, so I guess we are alike in that respect. And the same way you tried sticking up for Uplawal was the same way myself, Moremi and Richvkunt briefly stuck up for you, though it wasn't blatant to you. Hey its a dog eat doggone world out here on NL don't you agree  

gotcha bb, still got nothing but love 4 u girl (((((hugs)))))

Na wa o! NL is a world on its own.
There's something surprising me though: why would a married woman get on her computer some minutes past 5am to reply to a post on NL (UK's still on GMT)?
This is the very thing that scares me about being housewife.
I don't want to have mainly faceless friends, nor have my husband talk to me like I'm the housemaid ("you didn't iron the collar of my shirt well. What do you even do that you can't complete a simple task like this? Guess you should have studied Home Management rather than, ". Of course, being a housewife would he much easier for me, but who I would become is what scares me, though some others can cope better than me.

@OP: I tend to question even my actions, so I'll like you to personally question your husband's reason for sponsoring your Masters degree simply because he wants to brag about the education of his wife or because he wants you to work with it.
Also, be certain of his love for you, as a lot of people equate care with love. Care is when you assist someone by making them feel better; while love is placing someone's need before yours, more often than not (men are not likely to do this that's the bible states that husbands should love their wives by giving their lives for them). Thus, you can care without loving, but you can't love without caring. For example you can care for your car by taking it to mechanic.
If you've been able to establish that his love is genuine, and his intentions without guile, then you could go ahead with his idea, without ignoring the pointers from ftmom.

I do sincerely wish you a happy and successful marriage.

juleze:

Na wa o! NL is a world on its own.
There's something surprising me though: why would a married woman get on her computer some minutes past 5am to reply to a post on NL (UK's still on GMT)?
This is the very thing that scares me about being housewife.
I don't want to have mainly faceless friends, nor have my husband talk to me like I'm the housemaid ("you didn't iron the collar of my shirt well. What do you even do that you can't complete a simple task like this? Guess you should have studied Home Management rather than, ". Of course, being a housewife would he much easier for me, but who I would become is what scares me, though some others can cope better than me.

@OP: I tend to question even my actions, so I'll like you to personally question your husband's reason for sponsoring your Masters degree simply because he wants to brag about the education of his wife or because he wants you to work with it.
Also, be certain of his love for you, as a lot of people equate care with love. Care is when you assist someone by making them feel better; while love is placing someone's need before yours, more often than not (men are not likely to do this that's the bible states that husbands should love their wives by giving their lives for them). Thus, you can care without loving, but you can't love without caring. For example you can care for your car by taking it to mechanic.
If you've been able to establish that his love is genuine, and his intentions without guile, then you could go ahead with his idea, without ignoring the pointers from ftmom.

I do sincerely wish you a happy and successful marriage.

You might be right. I have seen some men in my extended family do just that: send their wives to expensive graduate programs abroad and then turn them into housewives immediately after. It's prestige/pedigree thing. To these men, the wife's degrees are just vanity projects. They still consider homemaking and baby-making her primary duties. Not that I see anything particularly wrong with that, especially if it works for them and their wives are happy.

moremi2008:

You might be right. I have seen some men in my extended family do just that: send their wives to expensive graduate programs abroad and then turn them into housewives immediately after. It's prestige/pedigree thing. To these men, the wife's degrees are just vanity projects. They still consider homemaking and baby-making her primary duties. Not that I see anything particularly wrong with that, especially if it works for them and their wives are happy.

I think hubby just loves his wife very much and he does not want her to stress herself with work, thats it pure and simple

I personally won't mind staying home to care for kids. But I also won't want a husband who is domineering and controlling like yours is.

in your case, you want to work and feel miserable staying at home.  What's the point of staying home to "rest" when all it's going to make you feel is miserable! You could try working a part-time schedule otherwise, maybe have a relative stay with you to help in caring for the child.

c.fours:

I personally won't mind staying home to care for kids. But I also won't want a husband who is domineering and controlling like yours is.

in your case, you want to work and feel miserable staying at home.  What's the point of staying home to "rest" when all it's going to make you feel is miserable! You could try working a part-time schedule otherwise, maybe have a relative stay with you to help in caring for the child.

I think this is the emerging consensus. A consulting job is not a wise job choice for somebody in her situation except she wants to do it just until she gets pregnant again. Otherwise, there are lots of fulfilling jobs outside of banking/consulting (non-profit, civil service, teaching etc) that she can do relatively stress free. Of course, those jobs aren't as prestigious by Lagos standards but they would be a perfect match for her needs. Better still, she can start her own business and put her finance degree to practical use.

@the OP, please ignore anyone that forces an opinion down your throat. The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer here. It all depends on what works for you, your husband and your kids. Every home is unique and what works for Patricia may turn out disastrous for you and your home. For every awful story of a housewife that has given up her career, there are several others you do not hear about that have been largely successful running the home front. I've seen professional ladies leave the pinnacle of their careers to become FT housewives and their only regret is they wished they had done it sooner. I have also seen ladies wishing they had not given up on their careers so early. So it really depends on what''s best for you folks and none of us understands the dynamics of your home.

The bigger issue I see here is the insinuation that your husband is forcing his decision on you. I believe issues like these are better resolved as a team. You should be part of the decision making process so that you and your husband appreciate whatever sacrifices need to be made now and in the future.

Also, I think alot of people do not know what it entails to be a housewife; it is a career of its own. I am not referring to those "housewives" who cross their legs all day watching TV. I mean ladies who keep the home running, manage the finances, draw up and implement programs and activities for the kids that challenge and stimulate them mentally, etc etc; that's what training kids is all about. Some women find it very rewarding, others find the traditional workplace as a way out. Personally, I could go either way with my spouse. I'd rather her fulfil her potentials as a career lady but I'd understand if she leans towards running the homefront full time. The latter decision makes our lives a whole lot easier. Furthermore, unless business is some sort of charity, not everyone is built for business. So the notion that your husband should open a business to keep you busy is an option but may also not be the best option, otherwise you may end up worse off financially.

Lastly, goodluck!

how can one be a succesful housewife? seriously I need to know? What is succesful about it?

I completely missed that memo all together,

queensmith:

how can one be a succesful housewife? seriously I need to know? What is succesful about it?

I completely missed that memo all together,

Are you taking his post seriously? It's pure misogyny camouflaged as "neutral" advice. Successful housewife ko, award-winning housegirl ni! Some people just think we are all idiots on here.

Award winning housegirl!! Lmao thats actually too funnay!

Its not his fault, is it not women that start with that nonsense. Succesful housewife indeed. Just admit your useless outside of the house and stop giving us girls a bad rep.

moremi2008:

Are you taking his post seriously? It's pure misogyny camouflaged as "neutral" advice. Successful housewife ko, award-winning housegirl ni! Some people just think we are all idiots on here.

You may just be an 1d1ot; you never know. By the way, you do not have to take my post seriously. It was directed at the OP and those with a functional brain; that obviously rules you out.

queensmith:

how can one be a succesful housewife? seriously I need to know? What is succesful about it?

I completely missed that memo all together,

You'd get the memo when you get married. Till then, keep the thoughts of running your home solely based on what you think; it's a free world.

^^^
See me see madam cc wahala.
Actually I am not into perfumes.
My advise,whatever you are celebrating-be your natural self-thats the best perfume.
By the way happy birthday.

Can't believe I was so distraught when I started this thread. A year down the line and things are so different now. Thank God I did not accept that Accenture job. I doubt I will be where I am now.

For those that are interested, I have started a sort of mini-consultancy. While at home, I started doing online Finance deals, advising people on how to improve their businesses, writing a book, helping with tax filing, etc. Now, I am so busy that I had to employ a part time assistant. I cannot believe that I am now an employer of organised labour. My husband doesn't mind at all as long as I still have time for my kid (he has just started school so that is a big relief).

Still waiting on God for baby number 2.

I don't think my wife ever would have come back to me without your help. I did so many things wrong. But, now I see that this was something that had to happen for the sake of our marriage. thank you mother Esango go, you can contact her if you are having any kind of marriage problem esangoshrine@gmail.com