mamaafrik: ,u knw naturally she'l doubt ur ability to handle situations mayb 4rm her past xperience,u nid to work on ur maturity to convince her of being d man,d way i luk @ it she dnt want to get usedup again so u hv to b patient to convince her but she's a lady & dnt mind dose shakara,she also want a replacement,but ask urself r u a good replacement?.

The question isn't whether she'll agree or not BUT the perception from FAF

follow your heart ohhhhhhh

@Poster

I really like her but she feels her type of woman, a single mother is not for the single, young unmarried guys but a divorcee perhaps. She even told me to have a serious date and keep her as 'plan B'. I dont want to treat her as a second option.

are you really serious she is the one that told you to keep her as Plan-B?

I find that very amusing......

I feel you should start your life with a young lady. With your six digit job, getting a young lady who has not been tied to another man is easy. I love you and I dont want you to be a victim. Leave that girl and move on.

marry her if you really want her

,

PStylish: @OP
Why settle for less?
Marrying a divorcee while her ex is still alive is committing adultery with her.Are you not a Christian? There is no chance for 'ogboju' is this case o.
Are you sure you are ready to be a step(foster) father?
The ex is still alive. A million and one things can happen.
By the time your eye clears after the honeymoon, I hope you wont regret your action.
All the best bro.

@PStylish, This is SPOT ON! It is rare and very heartwarming to see a Christian with this correct understanding of the word of God pertaining to marrying a divorcee whose partner is still alive.

Poster this is a good word to think on. Look before you leap.

Hey ! Op
I doubt you intend to make a right decision.

The worst thinking process i suspect you have is you are viewing her with the lens of your primary school days, a lot of water must have passed the bridge.

I also feel strongly your friend can still get back to good terms with her estranged husband, if the reason for there problem is "mis-understanding" and mummy;s boy. A part of her heart still wants the come back to her husband, that she might find difficult to admit to you.

A broken marriage of 2 years needs to be deeply probed, especially when domestic abuse or wife battering is not involved.

You are not in love with her, you are only in love with the childhood memories of the two of you together.

If she honors your invitations from ib to lag, please stay off any amorous jiving with her(pent up emotions is no respecter of person)

What you should be doing is to help her see possibilities in reconnecting with her estranged husband, unfortunately that you are no longer qualified to do.

If you go ahead and confuse her to having a relationship with you, the chances that you will regret your actions is 90%. Please stay off.

Her asking you to make her plan B, is most likely she wants to make re-union with her husband Plan A, and you plan B.

slimyem: do what you have to do!
I have a friend who was born when his mum was abt 18.
She re-married and the only person who knows the guy as her son is only her husband.the family still thinks the guy is her brother till now (more than 30 yrs later).
Once again,keep it from your family as much as you can.
They wont live your life for you!

........since d only person dat knws, is her husband. hw did u nw knw, are u d husband

Single mum! Datz crapppy to me cos i dont do after one. The child might end up separating u guyz. Go find ur single dude

emiye: Hey ! Op
I doubt you intend to make a right decision.

The worst thinking process i suspect you have is you are viewing her with the lens of your primary school days, a lot of water must have passed the bridge.

I also feel strongly your friend can still get back to good terms with her estranged husband, if the reason for there problem is "mis-understanding" and mummy;s boy. A part of her heart still wants the come back to her husband, that she might find difficult to admit to you.

A broken marriage of 2 years needs to be deeply probed, especially when domestic abuse or wife battering is not involved.

You are not in love with her, you are only in love with the childhood memories of the two of you together.

If she honors your invitations from ib to lag, please stay off any amorous jiving with her(pent up emotions is no respecter of person)

What you should be doing is to help her see possibilities in reconnecting with her estranged husband, unfortunately that you are no longer qualified to do.

If you go ahead and confuse her to having a relationship with you, the chances that you will regret your actions is 90%. Please stay off.

Her asking you to make her plan B, is most likely she wants to make re-union with her husband Plan A, and you plan B.

Thanks man. I'll ponder on this. However she had honored my invitation. She was here during the Easter. Once again thanks.

You can't keep her child away from your family. If you think you really love her you need to be able to accept everything that comes with her, including her son. He cannot be kept away as a secret. If you think you can't bring up her son as your own child, don't get married to her. The child cannot be wished away, maybe for a short period but the issue will always rear it's head in the future and things will get ugly.

The OP is deluded. After reading the entire 4 pages i just wonder why NOT ONCE did the OP talk about the status of the child in question? Does he think this child will just disappear? Are you READY to bear the responsibility for another man's mistake? Will you treat that child like your own? Do you understand the unique problems that such entails?
lol i was once like you, ready to abandon my family... until i asked myself a key question - is losing my family worth giving another man's child a life his/her parents failed to provide? NO.

there is a lot you dont seem to have considered at all...

1. I agree with one poster who says that what you really love about this woman is the mental picture of her you had in primary school. Do you know her well enough NOW?
2. The answer to question 1 is no, most of the responses you have given about her has been very vague. Clear indication you dont know this woman.
3. One poster asked you if you were ready to be a step-father... have you considered the repercussions of not treating this child AS YOUR OWN and that this woman's first priority will always be her son and not you? If its not then that is even more cause for alarm!
4. Are you aware that as long as that child is alive, her ex-husband will be tied to your wife for life?
5. Part of the joys of marriage is the little things that a man and his wife get to share together. You will NEVER get to share the joys of being a first time parent together (she's "been there done that".
6. What of your family? Are you prepared for being with a woman rejected by your own flesh and blood?
7. Most importantly, as a christian, marrying a divorcee with the ex-spouse still alive is a sin.

My dear, find your own woman. One you wont be sharing with any other ex.

I don't think you are ready for this kind of pressure.While family acceptance is important,your parents should have limited influence in your life.It's a difficult journey,and you rushing it,you don't even sound like someone that is equal to such task.

My advice:Wait until is divorced,take it slow,keep marriage out of the picture,wait until she heals..cos a wounded woman can be a great burden even for the matured ones.Don't get too excited,man focus.

You are already scaring her!

davidylan: The OP is deluded. After reading the entire 4 pages i just wonder why NOT ONCE did the OP talk about the status of the child in question? Does he think this child will just disappear? Are you READY to bear the responsibility for another man's mistake? Will you treat that child like your own? Do you understand the unique problems that such entails?
lol i was once like you, ready to abandon my family... until i asked myself a key question - is losing my family worth giving another man's child a life his/her parents failed to provide? NO.

there is a lot you dont seem to have considered at all...

1. I agree with one poster who says that what you really love about this woman is the mental picture of her you had in primary school. Do you know her well enough NOW?
2. The answer to question 1 is no, most of the responses you have given about her has been very vague. Clear indication you dont know this woman.
3. One poster asked you if you were ready to be a step-father... have you considered the repercussions of not treating this child AS YOUR OWN and that this woman's first priority will always be her son and not you? If its not then that is even more cause for alarm!
4. Are you aware that as long as that child is alive, her ex-husband will be tied to your wife for life?
5. Part of the joys of marriage is the little things that a man and his wife get to share together. You will NEVER get to share the joys of being a first time parent together (she's "been there done that".
6. What of your family? Are you prepared for being with a woman rejected by your own flesh and blood?
7. Most importantly, as a christian, marrying a divorcee with the ex-spouse still alive is a sin.

My dear, find your own woman. One you wont be sharing with any other ex.

Your points are great,except NO 7.Please read your bible very well,but your points are great.
This man is playing with fire,he does not know what family and societal pressure can do.I have an adopted brother,it was hard for everyone of us.It was hard for him to accept the love and attention,integrating is difficult and it becomes worse once disciplining him comes in,but thank God we are all doing great now,the guy is madly intelligent,he 10 years old.

ajadudu: You can't keep her child away from your family. If you think you really love her you need to be able to accept everything that comes with her, including her son. He cannot be kept away as a secret. If you think you can't bring up her son as your own child, don't get married to her. The child cannot be wished away, maybe for a short period but the issue will always rear it's head in the future and things will get ugly.

9lifes: I don't think you are ready for this kind of pressure.While family acceptance is important,your parents should have limited influence in your life.It's a difficult journey,and you rushing it,you don't even sound like someone that is equal to such task.

My advice:Wait until is divorced,take it slow,keep marriage out of the picture,wait until she heals..cos a wounded woman can be a great burden even for the matured ones.Don't get too excited,man focus.

You are already scaring her!

ajadudu: You can't keep her child away from your family. If you think you really love her you need to be able to accept everything that comes with her, including her son. He cannot be kept away as a secret. If you think you can't bring up her son as your own child, don't get married to her. The child cannot be wished away, maybe for a short period but the issue will always rear it's head in the future and things will get ugly.

Thanks man. I think for once, even if anything, I just have to let 'em know. They sure won't find it funny.

Thanks for the mature and eye-opening responses. Both contributions - for and against- are all rational and thoughtful! Now I even find it more difficult to decide. Time heals.. Ultimately!

davidylan: The OP is deluded. After reading the entire 4 pages i just wonder why NOT ONCE did the OP talk about the status of the child in question? Does he think this child will just disappear? Are you READY to bear the responsibility for another man's mistake? Will you treat that child like your own? Do you understand the unique problems that such entails?
lol i was once like you, ready to abandon my family... until i asked myself a key question - is losing my family worth giving another man's child a life his/her parents failed to provide? NO.

there is a lot you dont seem to have considered at all...

1. I agree with one poster who says that what you really love about this woman is the mental picture of her you had in primary school. Do you know her well enough NOW?
2. The answer to question 1 is no, most of the responses you have given about her has been very vague. Clear indication you dont know this woman.
3. One poster asked you if you were ready to be a step-father... have you considered the repercussions of not treating this child AS YOUR OWN and that this woman's first priority will always be her son and not you? If its not then that is even more cause for alarm!
4. Are you aware that as long as that child is alive, her ex-husband will be tied to your wife for life?
5. Part of the joys of marriage is the little things that a man and his wife get to share together. You will NEVER get to share the joys of being a first time parent together (she's "been there done that".
6. What of your family? Are you prepared for being with a woman rejected by your own flesh and blood?
7. Most importantly, as a christian, marrying a divorcee with the ex-spouse still alive is a sin.

My dear, find your own woman. One you wont be sharing with any other ex.

I think I can agree I was deluded, thanks to NL. She and I can both take care of the child BUT my fear as pointed out is the fact that she will always have greater feelings and love for the boy and in extension, to his dad.
To be on the safer side, I'd rather take it slowly and watch how events unfold. The child is still in the inlaw's custody for now, albeit she's been given green light to come and see the child ONLY once in a moment at the moment. She was denied custody and visit, just before now. Life is a b!tch!
@9lifes. Thanks

My father's elder brother married a divorcee with a child. He told my father that the lady already had a child but they should keep it away from the family because the family would never be in support of the wedding. The family got to know of the child on the day of the traditional wedding. My grandfather almost cancelled the event but for pleas from people. The child caused a lot of problems in the marriage. The problems have the man a stroke and the man died two years ago. Now, my father keeps regretting because he really loves his dead elder brother. The best thing is for you to sever all contacts with her via phone call or facebook and the likes.

234GT: My father's elder brother married a divorcee with a child. He told my father that the lady already had a child but they should keep it away from the family because the family would never be in support of the wedding. The family got to know of the child on the day of the traditional wedding. My grandfather almost cancelled the event but for pleas from people. The child caused a lot of problems in the marriage. The problems have the man a stroke and the man died two years ago. Now, my father keeps regretting because he really loves his dead elder brother. The best thing is for you to sever all contacts with her via phone call or facebook and the likes.

Thanks for sharing a practical on same. The growing child can eventually grow to like his daddy and hate his step dad. What an experience! What a world!

The woman is also dead. She had three grown up guys for my father's elder brother. Can you imagine that the child from the first marriage, a lady, slapped the first child last month, in my father's elder brother's house. The family had to evict her from the house, like a big brother africa thing. This is the first time my father is agreeing to being wrong!

@PStylist,Thank you my brother.As long as the husband is alive,if you go ahead and marry her,that is adultery and the end thereof is regret,sorrow and pardition.
@FlyboyZee, you dont open your mouth and insult people.If you are a christian you will surely know what it means to marry a divorcee.What will profit a man if he gains the this world and loses his soul?May the Lord open your understanding.

gbenga007: How I wish I can post her faceless picture. She sure ain't looking like a mother. Thanks for the wonderful advice yall.

DONT EVER POST HER PICTURE HERE, IT HAS ITS OWN IMPLICATIONS.
@ TOPIC
KEEP IT UP & PRAY HARD, THE LADY IN QUESTION WOULD BE THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS. WHEN EVER CASES OF THIS NATURE ARISES, FAMILY (ESPECIALLY FROM THE MALE SIDE) TENDS TO CREATE SO MANY PROBLEMS INSISTING THAT AS A FRESHER ONE MUST LOOK FOR A FRESH GIRL TOO NOT CONSIDERING WHAT WILL RESULTS TO YOUR HAPPINESS. MY ADVICE FOR YOU IS TO BE SURE THAT THE LADY IN QUESTION POSSESSES GOOD CHARACTERS. DONT BE DECIEVED BY THE TEMPTATION OF LOVE, RATE HER ON AN APPROPRIATE SCALE. IF SHE QUALIFY TO BE KEPT HOME AS A WIFE, THEN CONFRONT AND FIGHT ANY FORCE ATTEMPING TO STOP YOU. BUT BE CAUTIOUS WHEN HANDLING PARENTS AND FAMILY ABOUT THE MATTER.

gbenga007:
I think I can agree I was deluded, thanks to NL. She and I can both take care of the child BUT my fear as pointed out is the fact that she will always have greater feelings and love for the boy and in extension, to his dad.
To be on the safer side, I'd rather take it slowly and watch how events unfold. The child is still in the inlaw's custody for now, albeit she's been given green light to come and see the child ONLY once in a moment at the moment. She was denied custody and visit, just before now. Life is a b!tch!
@9lifes. Thanks

Look bro, i have been there before... and like you i was quite naive. Regardless of anything she tells you, when the chips are down she will ALWAYS choose that child's feelings and needs above yours. Things might look rosy now because she does not have custody of him but you just wait until she has full custody, EVERY single thing you plan with her will have to be dependent on the boy's needs. Why tie yourself down unnecessarily? you're just 27, you deserve to be with a woman who is free to devote all her attention to you alone.

Let me give you a snapshot of what to expect:
1. When the child is sick, forget it dude... you are as good as forgotten.
2. Have you heard of guilt parenting? Yep that's when a single parent indulges every whim of their child because they feel responsible for the lack of the other parent in the child's life. How do you plan to enforce discipline in your home with that child who is most likely going to be reporting you to his biological father?
3. What if the father decides to fight for custody later? Who pays for your wife's legal defense? You!
4. When are you going to start saving for your own children when you're spending all your paycheck being responsible for another man's child?
5. Is it fair that the boy's father gets to have a life while you sit around struggling to accommodate his child?
6. Ever considered what the interaction between that child and your own biological children will be like? Who will be top dog in your home? this boy or your own first son?
7. Do you understand this man will ALWAYS have a link to your wife for life? Ready to sit in your own living room listening to your wife go back and forth on the phone with a man who f[i]u[/i]cked her long enough to give her a baby (and probably did a better job than you to be frank)?

My brother, there are plenty of nice single women out there. It took me less than a month to find someone else after i came to my senses, i am 100% grateful today that i took my mother's advice after so many months of obstinate delusion. Like my friend would always tell me then - with you she's getting the very best (i'm sure so many single ladies are just dying for you to look their way as it was in my case), why do you have to settle for someone else's used goods?

Marry this girl if you like her aving. A child b4 or being divorced is not a disease and tell ur parents ur descion and who and why u want to marry her if ur able to convince dem very well @ d end dey will let u marry her if u av good reasons dey can't choose for u and if dey insist dah u don't den tell dem to dier face dat u love her and want to spend d reast of ur life wiv her.. Since u both av a good job ur good to go .. Best. Of luck

mordi4evah: larssonsamson: SUGAR MUMMIES ASSOCIATION IN NIGERIA,ARE HAVING
A MEETING INDIFFERENT CLUBS,HOTELS,
JOINTS IN ALL THE CITIESIN NIGERIA
LAGOS,ABUJA,PORT HARCOURT,DELTA,JOS,
CALABAR,BENIN,ENUGU,IMO SOONEXT
GET THE CHANCE TO GET TO MEET THEM LIVE
AND MAKE YOUR CHOICE AND EXHIBIT
YOUR TALENT SO YOU COULD BECOME HOT CAKE..
TO BE INVITED TO THIS PARTY AND MEETING
CONTACT ME ON 07060541308 AGENT SAMSON
GET THE CHANCE TO MEET,RICH LADIES,
POLITICIANS,BANKERS,BUSSINESS WOMAN,
OIL WOMAN,AND THE LIKES OF ITA GIWA.
and get paid to pregnant top exexutives,
billionaires who are looking for child
also and be paid 500,000 for everytime
you sleep with them and they don,t
become pregnant and if they become
pregnant get 2,000,000 for the babies


u b real fu!ljmmsfp!!

...bad boy, e don remain small make i send you my CV o...shuo, i for hammer!!!!

( 1 ) how can u even be thinking of marrying a woman that is not yet officially divorced, that a
woman had misunderstanding with her husband and separated temporarily does not
mean they could not be reconciled.


Listen to the good advise from fellow NLanders

( 2 ) Theben(m):
This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not what you think she is.
Thanks

( 3 ) newcreatio(m):
dude...i think you gotta be careful mehn...My take, people aren't just divorced, did you hear da full story? perhaps the other dude's side? was cheating involved? how about her family? Did they support da divorce, if all this poo ain't properly investigated, you might be the victim of her 2nd chance...

( 4 ) klas if she was married for only 24months out of which pregnancy would be for 9 months that mean she left the child at just barely a year of age. It will surely be a very serious matter for a woman to separate from her child of such age. Please probe further.
( 5 ) Emiye Her asking you to make her plan B, is most likely she wants to make re-union or keep the door open for the possibility of it with her husband Plan A, and you plan B. though she would never let u know that but beleve me that is the meaning

234GT: The woman is also dead. She had three grown up guys for my father's elder brother. Can you imagine that the child from the first marriage, a lady, slapped the first child last month, in my father's elder brother's house. The family had to evict her from the house, like a big brother africa thing. This is the first time my father is agreeing to being wrong!

OMG! what a scenario that is! It's very unfortunate and I'm making a u-turn asap. Thanks

I think the guy don change his mind by now.

Had_one:
DONT EVER POST HER PICTURE HERE, IT HAS ITS OWN IMPLICATIONS.
@ TOPIC
KEEP IT UP & PRAY HARD, THE LADY IN QUESTION WOULD BE THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS. WHEN EVER CASES OF THIS NATURE ARISES, FAMILY (ESPECIALLY FROM THE MALE SIDE) TENDS TO CREATE SO MANY PROBLEMS INSISTING THAT AS A FRESHER ONE MUST LOOK FOR A FRESH GIRL TOO NOT CONSIDERING WHAT WILL RESULTS TO YOUR HAPPINESS. MY ADVICE FOR YOU IS TO BE SURE THAT THE LADY IN QUESTION POSSESSES GOOD CHARACTERS. DONT BE DECIEVED BY THE TEMPTATION OF LOVE, RATE HER ON AN APPROPRIATE SCALE. IF SHE QUALIFY TO BE KEPT HOME AS A WIFE, THEN CONFRONT AND FIGHT ANY FORCE ATTEMPING TO STOP YOU. BUT BE CAUTIOUS WHEN HANDLING PARENTS AND FAMILY ABOUT THE MATTER.

I sure won't post any pix of hers. Just wanted to emphasize my sincerity and her apparent single status, unless u were told otherwise. Gosh!

davidylan:

Look bro, i have been there before... and like you i was quite naive. Regardless of anything she tells you, when the chips are down she will ALWAYS choose that child's feelings and needs above yours. Things might look rosy now because she does not have custody of him but you just wait until she has full custody, EVERY single thing you plan with her will have to be dependent on the boy's needs. Why tie yourself down unnecessarily? you're just 27, you deserve to be with a woman who is free to devote all her attention to you alone.

Let me give you a snapshot of what to expect:
1. When the child is sick, forget it dude... you are as good as forgotten.
2. Have you heard of guilt parenting? Yep that's when a single parent indulges every whim of their child because they feel responsible for the lack of the other parent in the child's life. How do you plan to enforce discipline in your home with that child who is most likely going to be reporting you to his biological father?
3. What if the father decides to fight for custody later? Who pays for your wife's legal defense? You!
4. When are you going to start saving for your own children when you're spending all your paycheck being responsible for another man's child?
5. Is it fair that the boy's father gets to have a life while you sit around struggling to accommodate his child?
6. Ever considered what the interaction between that child and your own biological children will be like? Who will be top dog in your home? this boy or your own first son?
7. Do you understand this man will ALWAYS have a link to your wife for life? Ready to sit in your own living room listening to your wife go back and forth on the phone with a man who f[i]u[/i]cked her long enough to give her a baby (and probably did a better job than you to be frank)?

My brother, there are plenty of nice single women out there. It took me less than a month to find someone else after i came to my senses, i am 100% grateful today that i took my mother's advice after so many months of obstinate delusion. Like my friend would always tell me then - with you she's getting the very best (i'm sure so many single ladies are just dying for you to look their way as it was in my case), why do you have to settle for someone else's used goods?

Thanks for the succinct analysis. I know you not but you have treated this issue with brotherly love as exemplified in your posts and in some other nairalanders'. Who says Nairalanders can not be as candid as this?

mike.okiro:
( 1 ) how can u even be thinking of marrying a woman that is not yet officially divorced, that a
woman had misunderstanding with her husband and separated temporarily does not
mean they could not be reconciled.


Listen to the good advise from fellow NLanders

( 2 ) Theben(m):
This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not what you think she is.
Thanks

( 3 ) newcreatio(m):
dude...i think you gotta be careful mehn...My take, people aren't just divorced, did you hear da full story? perhaps the other dude's side? was cheating involved? how about her family? Did they support da divorce, if all this poo ain't properly investigated, you might be the victim of her 2nd chance...

( 4 ) klas if she was married for only 24months out of which pregnancy would be for 9 months that mean she left the child at just barely a year of age. It will surely be a very serious matter for a woman to separate from her child of such age. Please probe further.
( 5 ) Emiye Her asking you to make her plan B, is most likely she wants to make re-union or keep the door open for the possibility of it with her husband Plan A, and you plan B. though she would never let u know that but beleve me that is the meaning

I appreciate your observations and the accompanying summary. I think I can make up my mind now based on the aforementioned posts and in general. One luv