The post below refers: it has been treated but I intend showing her the thread, perhaps for her to know how far I went. Do you think it's a good idea or it will rather hurt her more? Counting on your mature responses as usual


"I recently met a good primary school friend of mine lately on facebook. I made efforts to talk her into dating, considering her good childhood and upbringing. To my utter surprise, she confided to me that she was married and now divorced- although not legally yet, with a baby boy - still with the mother-in-law. I'm 27yrs, She's now 25 and the boy is less than 2yrs, got married just after her Bsc. She's a Master's student plus another professional course. Infact I make bold to mention that she was only unlucky. I really like her but she feels her type of woman, a single mother is not for the single, young unmarried guys but a divorcee perhaps. She even told me to have a serious date and keep her as 'plan B'. I dont want to treat her as a second option. I really like her, considering our old friendship and brilliance- among other things. I don't really see it as anything marrying her but she's feeling inadequate now and ish. We are both gainfully employed (6digits). What are the possible implications of my proposal to her? She had rushed to do the first wedding perhaps. Now she's more prepared and mature. She has learnt her lessons. Can you see it working?"

gbenga007: I recently met a good primary school friend of mine lately on facebook. I made efforts to talk her into dating, considering her good childhood and upbringing. To my utter surprise, she confided to me that she was married and now divorced- although not legally yet, with a baby boy - still with the mother-in-law. I'm 27yrs, She's now 25 and the boy is less than 2yrs, got married just after her Bsc. She's a Master's student plus another professional course. Infact I make bold to mention that she was only unlucky. I really like her but she feels her type of woman, a single mother is not for the single, young unmarried guys but a divorcee perhaps. She even told me to have a serious date and keep her as 'plan B'. I dont want to treat her as a second option. I really like her, considering our old friendship and brilliance- among other things. I don't really see it as anything marrying her but she's feeling inadequate now and ish. We are both gainfully employed (6digits). What are the possible implications of my proposal to her? She had rushed to do the first wedding perhaps. Now she's more prepared and mature. She has learnt her lessons. Can you see it working?

Yeah, go for it bro. Bleep that Nigeria/African mentality

After dating two divorcees. In the past, I became more attracted to ladies with previous marital experience or ladies well above 30years of age.

Their maturity and intelligence is so soothing unlike those small Blackberry chewing gum girls out their who just want to reap one off.

@Poster, believe it or not, she is most likely not ready to remarry in the next 4-5years or even more. Remember she has a son (what more women rush into marriage for -child) and moreover feels she is now way mature than you, at least in the marriage institution.

If you aren't in a haste to get married then you could wait for her, otherwise move on and have her as a plan 'b' as she suggested.

How the best!

Common, what in the known universe are you waiting for. She could be the best woman you can get under the milky way galaxy, so do not let her past deter you from whatever you have in mind.

Killz.:
Yes.

@killz. Thanks.

REALITY101:

Yeah, go for it bro. Bleep that Nigeria/African mentality

Thanks Reality101. I plan to keep it secret from my family cos definitely they won't support it, ESP The baby momma part of the story. She never thought a sane, single young man could still come and show her love, considering what happened. And I ask, what if she never told me until after our 3kids? What if I had married a woman with multiple abortions? What if I had married a woman with stillbirth and ish? She sure has learnt some priceless lessons.

go for it man!
Dont miss out on a good thing!there aint no issue here!
And i suscribe to keeping the child issue from family.they'll only complicate matters!
Goodluck!

slimyem: go for it man!
Dont miss out on a good thing!there aint no issue here!
And i suscribe to keeping the child issue from family.they'll only complicate matters!
Goodluck!

Lying to his family?

gbenga007:
@killz. Thanks.

Thanks Reality101. I plan to keep it secret from my family cos definitely they won't support it, ESP The baby momma part of the story. She never thought a sane, single, and young man could still come and show her love, considering her predicament. And I ask, what if she never told me until after our 3kids? What if I had married a woman with multiple abortions? What if I had married a woman with stillbirth and ish? She sure has learnt some priceless lessons.

Nah man, thats your family. You dont need hide ish from them, the decision is always yours no matter what they say.

Only in Nigeri

acidtalk: After dating two divorcees. In the past, I became more attracted to ladies with previous marital experience or ladies well above 30years of age.

Their maturity and intelligence is so soothing unlike those small Blackberry chewing gum girls out their who just want to reap one off.

@Poster, believe it or not, she is most likely not ready to remarry in the next 4-5years or even more. Remember she has a son (what more women rush into marriage for -child) and moreover feels she is now way mature than you, at least in the marriage institution.

If you aren't in a haste to get married then you could wait for her, otherwise move on and have her as a plan 'b' as she suggested.

How the best!

Thanks man. Mature Divorcees are reformed and ready to love whole-heartfelt again. To cushion the after-effects of her early break-up, she is occupying herself with schedules, both work and academic. She's also not aversed to settling down again, considering her young age. Not many people knows she is no longer in a relationship though. However, She's waiting to take custody of her child as he'd been forcefully witheld by the erstwhile mother-in-law. After this and the necessary legal actions, we can always start anew.

didadavid: Common, what in the known universe are you waiting for. She could be the best woman you can get under the milky way galaxy, so do not let her past deter you from whatever you have in mind.

Thanks man. I'm doing just that. She's only finding this too good to believe as she thinks she's now '2nd class' although she aint any. I'll still prefer her status to some other hitherto single ladies.

slimyem: go for it man!
Dont miss out on a good thing!there aint no issue here!
And i suscribe to keeping the child issue from family.they'll only complicate matters!
Goodluck!

Yeah they will always complicate issues, ESP the educated ones like my dad. I'll rather be mute on the issue as you would never suggest she was married. I invited her to Lagos from Ibadan today.

REALITY101:

Nah man, thats your family. You dont need hide ish from them, the decision is always yours no matter what they say.

Only in Nigeri

Pls refer to above. Only in Nigeria. I'll rather be mute and go on than talk about it and be held on - till further notice. Lol

REALITY101:

Lying to his family?

I'll also rather keep mum than lie. Afterall keeping mum isn't any synonymous to lying. Lol

eh...

How I wish I can post her faceless picture. She sure ain't looking like a mother. Thanks for the wonderful advice yall.

REALITY101:

Lying to his family?

its not a lie if he's not telling in the first place!
Besides,its a lot safer...trust me!

wait a sec young man. do you think marriage is just like that? have you ever seen a beautiful poisonous snake? look, don't jump from frying pan to fire.
marriage without true conviction is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder.please open your eyes okey? only fools contract marriages these days being blind as a bat. relax man, whats beyond six is more than seven. also note that Niraland is a very complicated place. very few people speak witth the wisdom of God here; however intelligent they may sound, be very careful.

from what i've read, i think you are misfiring. relax, take it slow.

@ Op your heart and intentions are int eh right place, g-d bless you, i think she just insecure about being a devorcee and single mom and in the country who wouldnt be. Anyways let her know whole heartedly how you feel, i think she will come around to seeing things your way.

Bro if u`re truly convince and u`re sure of what u`re doing then big yessssssssssssssssssss.

Everyone seems to be telling the OP what he wants to hear, but I can't quite nudge off the feeling that he might hurt this lady eventually even if unintentionally.
Op take it easy, slow down, and ask yourself a few pertinent questions. You think you like her and you want to marry her. That's very good and noble. But you also think your family will not be in support, and that is where the problem may arise. So you hide it from them and go unheeded into this relationship and get her to love you and expect marriage, and then what next?
Have you asked yourself what you will do if you tell your family later before the wedding that this girl is a divorcee and has a child and they refuse to accept that and refuse to give the marriage their blessing? What if you don't tell them at all and they still find out somehow and kick against your marrying her. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Will you go on against your family's wish or will you chicken out and make this girl hurt again?
Note that I'm not saying it's one way or the other. I have nothing against a divorcee or a lady with a kid. I also don't think families should have any influence over who their kids end up marrying. In fact my own family is not even permitted to make suggestions for me. But families are different and you seem to have suggested your own family won't accept her. So just think it through and ask yourself what you will do IF the worst happens. Then if you are sure you won't hurt her, go ahead. If not, you may as well let her be. She may completely loose all sense of worth if she gets hurt again.

Go for it bro-if it work then good but if it end up breaking then you add more lessson to your life experience profile, but as you are moving closer marriage institution always prepare for the worst because dating a lady for 10 yrs before marriage will not reveal her real behaviour until after settling down with her

This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not what you think she is.
Thanks

This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not whom you think she is.
Thanks

duality: wait a sec young man. do you think marriage is just like that? have you ever seen a beautiful poisonous snake? look, don't jump from frying pan to fire.
marriage without true conviction is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder.please open your eyes okey? only fools contract marriages these days being blind as a bat. relax man, whats beyond six is more than seven. also note that Niraland is a very complicated place. very few people speak witth the wisdom of God here; however intelligent they may sound, be very careful.

from what i've read, i think you are misfiring. relax, take it slow.

yeah, i think d same way too, try nd ask what led to the divorce, it cld be d lady's fault.
Also, will ur family accept an "after 1" for a wife?
Alot of things u got 2 consider, but if ur mind, body, spirit, nd most especially, ur HEART... Tell u to go for it, then why wait? But bros, think twice

MarcAnthon: Everyone seems to be telling the OP what he wants to hear, but I can't quite nudge off the feeling that he might hurt this lady eventually even if unintentionally.
Op take it easy, slow down, and ask yourself a few pertinent questions. You think you like her and you want to marry her. That's very good and noble. But you also think your family will not be in support, and that is where the problem may arise. So you hide it from them and go unheeded into this relationship and get her to love you and expect marriage, and then what next?
Have you asked yourself what you will do if you tell your family later before the wedding that this girl is a divorcee and has a child and they refuse to accept that and refuse to give the marriage their blessing? What if you don't tell them at all and they still find out somehow and kick against your marrying her. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Will you go on against your family's wish or will you chicken out and make this girl hurt again?
Note that I'm not saying it's one way or the other. I have nothing against a divorcee or a lady with a kid. I also don't think families should have any influence over who their kids end up marrying. In fact my own family is not even permitted to make suggestions for me. But families are different and you seem to have suggested your own family won't accept her. So just think it through and ask yourself what you will do IF the worst happens. Then if you are sure you won't hurt her, go ahead. If not, you may as well let her be. She may completely loose all sense of worth if she gets hurt again.

My family knew her back then in our primary school days. We go for Maths competition and quiz every time together. I think she had mistaken the ex's appearance for reality.'He has no dad but mum..follows the mum's dictates' as mummy's boy. The lady in question too can't seem to bear living this kinda life as a young and perhaps AMBITIOUS lady. It was only unfortunate. Not many people knew she was married. I wouldn't have known either but for her accounts.
What if she had kept it a secret until after 3kids with her? The boy isn't staying with her for now. I will rather not tell 'em parents. I'll pretend I had no prior knowledge should my people find out. Everybody has secrets anyway!

@OP,
Good advise you have been given, I never even thought there could be some set of advise like the ones up there on NL. And thank God all those who will ask you to only pray about it are already in church by now. While I am not saying you shouldn't go spiritual about, I think it is more of how you want your life and marriage to be. I also do not have anything about single mothers, but I like to point two things out to you.
1. You should be somewhat happy that she opened up to you about her status, I mean the boy. Most single mothers will hide that baby from you. So I am tempted to say she is honest. But you really have to investigate the circumstances that lead to her first break up, not because you do not trust her but a stitch in time saves nine.
2. The one I will never want you to down play is the family factor. Your family can make your life and marriage miserable if you go against their wish especially when they are united against your choice of partner. You will only get to know the influence of your family over you when you drag these type of things with them.
God help you.

gbenga007:

My family knew her back then in our primary school days. We go for Maths competition and quiz every time together. I think she had mistaken the ex's appearance (money perhaps) for reality.'He has no dad but mum..follows the mum's dictates' as mummy's boy. The lady in question too can't seem to bear living this kinda life as a young and perhaps AMBITIOUS lady. It was only unfortunate. Not many people knew she was married. I wouldn't have known either but for her accounts.
What if she had kept it a secret until after 3kids with her? The boy isn't staying with her for now. I will rather not tell 'em parents. I'll pretend I had no prior knowledge should my people find out. Everybody has secrets anyway!

do what you have to do!
I have a friend who was born when his mum was abt 18.
She re-married and the only person who knows the guy as her son is only her husband.the family still thinks the guy is her brother till now (more than 30 yrs later).
Once again,keep it from your family as much as you can.
They wont live your life for you!

Theben: This issue ain't what should be taken lightly. Op you need to really try and find out the reason why she got divorced in the first place. I presume you've already accepted whatever she must have told you is the cause of her breakup with her ex-husband. Please try and research the cause yourself. Who knows, her character might be the reason. I don't have anything against marrying a divorcee or a single mother but you need to take your time, study her.
As for your parents, i don't think they'll be much of a problem. Once they know that she won't be a problem to you, trust me, they would give you their blessings.
So poster, the problem here is not her being a divorcee, the real wahala is when she's not whom you think she is.
Thanks

Lagusta:

yeah, i think d same way too, try nd ask what led to the divorce, it cld be d lady's fault.
Also, will ur family accept an "after 1" for a wife?
Alot of things u got 2 consider, but if ur mind, body, spirit, nd most especially, ur HEART... Tell u to go for it, then why wait? But bros, think twice

I think i understand her, she wants freedom, wants expression and wants to be heard too sometimes. The marriage things may be too hasty. But I still think she's had some experiences now and would be more cautious as any further breakup could paint her as the bad girl. She is aware of her reputation!
They MAY not accept 'after one' but I think i can handle that.

born2fuck: Go for it bro-if it work then good but if it end up breaking then you add more lessson to your life experience profile, but as you are moving closer marriage institution always prepare for the worst because dating a lady for 10 yrs before marriage will not reveal her real behaviour until after settling down with her

Wise words from the real born2fcku. Women are just like that, very complex. God help us!

Bro go for it,since u see her as the one u love nd probably cnt live without cos ur family cnt give u all d happiness u want bt seriously a good wife can..nd it wld hurt u so much if u later find out she's with the wrong man again nd then labelled the bad girl. She's nt happy pls make her happy nd save two lives,hers nd d boy's.

bodejohn: @OP,
Good advise you have been given, I never even thought there could be some set of advise like the ones up there on NL. And thank God all those who will ask you to only pray about it are already in church by now. While I am not saying you shouldn't go spiritual about, I think it is more of how you want your life and marriage to be. I also do not have anything about single mothers, but I like to point two things out to you.
1. You should be somewhat happy that she opened up to you about her status, I mean the boy. Most single mothers will hide that baby from you. So I am tempted to say she is honest. But you really have to investigate the circumstances that lead to her first break up, not because you do not trust her but a stitch in time saves nine.
2. The one I will never want you to down play is the family factor. Your family can make your life and marriage miserable if you go against their wish especially when they are united against your choice of partner. You will only get to know the influence of your family over you when you drag these type of things with them.
God help you.

Yeah, Nairaland is like that - all encompassing. I think the tone of the message dictates the answers.
Thanks for the contribution bro. I'll try and find out in no distant time.
2. My immediate family has always believed in me, plus trust my instincts. I'm not perfect though! As for the extended family, they MUST be in the dark. I detest them

Wait for her to go through all the divorce formalities first, before you proceed with your intentions. I don't see anything wrong with marrying a divorcee with a child, it's only Africa that we consider these things to be important. If the both of you are mutually compatible, then go for it!

claremont: Wait for her to go through all the divorce formalities first, before you proceed with your intentions. I don't see anything wrong with marrying a divorcee with a child, it's only Africa that we consider these things to be important. If the both of you are mutually compatible, then go for it!

Thanks a million. It's just what I'm waiting for. After the legal divorce, we can now plan better.

gbenga007:

I think i understand her, she wants freedom, wants expression and wants to be heard too sometimes. They prob look at her as an opportunist.
Ofcourse I would blame her as she'd rushed into the marriage. The marriage things were too hasty. But I still think she's had some experiences now and would be more cautious as any further breakup could paint her as the bad girl. She is aware of her reputation!
They may not accept 'after one' but I think i can handle that.

meeeeehn, e be lyk say u luv dis girl dieeee!!!
But seriously, i m not against single mums, its just d divorce thing. Since u said she's d outgoing type, nd u like those kinda ladies, then bros, i give u d greenlight. Kari goooo