₦airaland Forum

No body wan contest _testicle sorry tessybabe with u ooo Mr. Itwa _{i don't do gals}

Cool with number 8

Jesus Wept!

tessybaby:
_{anus man} i mean ayusman
no put me for una wahala oooo
this na de last time i dey hear ma name from ya mouth

Am sorry testis babe i mean tessybaby. It wont happen again

Yeeepa! i don write in English enter trouble. _{i for don use pidgin}

Ituen na correct fine boy oo. Just checked his profile behold the face that would make Bryan grin with envy. No wonder Tessy dey die for am

Don't be ashamed of ur job man! who knows u might just hit it big and open branch office for ur bedroom

@Ituen

U work for Oil Coy? Which one? The groundoil own or palm oil? Damn! Now i think me know u

@Migines

Wish u same, akuya!

recycled _{can't ppl be innovative}

thirdi:
@ituean

you be mad man, me and you who go mop ground? your father

make you no stop this your yahoo yahoo sell puppy activity we go soon catch you.

Bros abeg take am easy (no insulting fathers here pls). The guy might be lacking some things here and there but does not deserve this, . This is meant to be a joke section where u wld find the most intelligent and stupidest ppl

ituen:
See small boys wey come yesterday

Them wan opress 'em papa and mama for this forum.

Clique or no Clique everybody dey answer im papa name (miggy and clem can attest).

So to Ayusman, thirdi

If u don't know how to defend yourself, don't go round blaming a buNch of smarties n intellectuals. IF u want to test your prowress, pick on any member and start your fight.

or better still, Ayusman and Thirdi can form their own CULT and recruit people like naijagurly etc

COS I HATE TO SEE STUPID TALK.

make una focus oh else. . . . . if u do anyhow, . . . . u go collect anyhow well well

@Tessy

So this is the warning u were trying give me _{am scared now}. What is nairaland turning to? Another dumb head internet user.

@Ituen

DO u know what ur name mean in my language?

Compliments of the seasons @Raahym @Urfriend and @Emmasweat!

Hope u guys had a swell festive season?

Any gist about the Ikeja prob? It's been almost 4months now with no resolution at hand. Ar u guys sure the issue would ever be resolved? U can imagine 4months without watching what u've paid ur hard earned money to install? Don't u think one has been patienct enough with u guys? It's now pathetic! Later, u would blame the foreigners for rippping us off when we all know that they took the risk to invest in a volatile nation like Naija.

Please u guys should do something!

@Tessy

I think am curious to know

tessybaby:
ayisman u are warned!!!
u have been noted for this

, or else

just say u didnt understand cos it's posted in English and not pidgin

can't u read?

Thug Life:

where is seun?
This guys are polluting Nairaland

Why? Becos his jokes is funnier than urs?

@Thirdi

No mind them ojare, na so dem dey diss pple wey dey post jokes wey no dey their clique. and the funny is that na their jokes dey stale pass. Just ignore and continue posting.

Atleast it's better than stale jokes or those who criticise but never posted

oh ur God

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the gunners in the house. What a way to start the year. It shows that there would more successes to come our way. Guess Dudu is begining to prove all his critics wrong! What a finish! Ride on gunners! Don't worry we wont allow the scummies to smell the top position again as it is begining to get into their devilish mind! Gunners 4 life i remain!

I think it's the same sub of 4k except u've got the promo package that gives 1yr free sub

"All Men Are Created Equal"
, but not little boys and little girls.




You throw a little girl a ball, and it will
probably hit her in the nose.

You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it.
Then it will hit him in the nose.




You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best,
and she'll look just as pretty when you finally
make it to church an hour later.

You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll
somehow find every mud puddle from your home
to the church, even if you're driving there.




Boys' rooms are usually messy.

Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.




A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in
wonderment at what nature has made.

A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.




When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they
like to dress them up and play house with them.

When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls,
they like to tear off their appendages.




Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly.

If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short,
girls would rather lock themselves in their
room for two weeks than be seen in public.




Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting their face.

Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.




If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed.

If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it
with a dozen fake belches.




Boys grow their fingernails long because
they're too lazy to cut them.

Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice -but because they can dig them into a boys arm.




Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age.

At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.




By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.

By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad
kisses unless he bribes them with candy.




Most baby girls talk before boys do.

Before boys talk, they learn how
to make machine-gun noises.




Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.

Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've
watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
movie three times in a row.




Little girls turn into women.

Little boys turn into bigger boys.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Plumbers:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."




A non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."



A maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."




A tire shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."



An optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."




A podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."



Pizza shop slogans:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."




Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."



A veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"




A gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



The electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."




A plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"



A restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."




A sign at a radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."



On a butchers window:
"Pleased to meat you."

Feel free to print this out for your own use!





Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:


(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.


2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.


3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!


4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.


5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.


6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!


7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.


8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.


9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.


10. ___You have a hairy back.


11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.


12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.


13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.


14. ___You still live with your parents.


15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little concerning.


16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.


17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.


18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.


19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.


20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.




Sincerely, _________________________________

When loved ones come home run to greet them.


Never pass up the opportunity of a joy ride.


Allow the wind and fresh air in your face to be pure ecstasy.


If what you want lies buried, dig till you find it.


Never pretend to be somthing you are not .


No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.


Let others know when they've invaded your territory.


Run, romp and play daily.


Thrive on attention and let people touch you.








Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.


On warm days, stop and lie on your back in the grass.


On hot days drink lots of water and lie in the shade of a tree.


Be loyal.


When your happy, dance around and wag your entire body.


When it's in your best interests, practice obedience.


Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.


Eat with gusto and enthusiasm, but stop when you've had enough.


And most of all, when someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently .

Definitions you won't find in the dictionary!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.



CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.



EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.



RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.



TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

So you wanna have a baby,
Here's a little FAQ to help you out!









Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).



Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.



Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



SCORE
0-4
You are made for childrearing! Give up your day job and mind the neighborhood kids as well, just for fun!

5-9
You are demonstrating definite signs of the so called "nesting instinct". You may even be starting to look positively homely and be wearing fluffy slippers.

10-14
You are relatively normal, but may be entering the danger zone of cluckiness. Snap out of it before it's too late. Spend some time at a day care center for a reality check.

15-17
Congratulations! You have both feet firmly on the ground and are well aware of the dangerous pitfalls of childrearing!

Old Is When,



Your friend compliments you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.







You don't care where your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't have to go along.







A sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.







"Getting a little action" means, "I don't
need to take any fiber today."







You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of the police.







An "all nighter" means not getting
up to go use the bathroom!







"Getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.

Okay oo. Mr-I-think-am-smart.