₦airaland Forum

A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.
No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the
question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the
bees.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

any man has d rit to go where ever he wants when ever he wants.  wives shld learn to live wit dat. afta all d wives r d ones always leaving d house wit one excuse or d oda e.g going to market, going 4 fellowship, going to d hospital, n even at wrk who knows what dy r doing in all dis places at all tyms. n d only tym d man has to be alone u still want to go with him haba give him sum space so he doesn't choke to death.  

U r a joke joker jokest

Thankx for the idea I will try the tooth brush too. the candle are becoming too small these days.

To all dem foolish idiotse.g tj_tj, una papa n mama BASTARDS.

@tj_tj
Ubansu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can teach U guys how to male moni online so u can make beta use of ur tym online.

Y r U guys so jobless, r U not supposed to be reading ur books?

in playing this golf, at times two players with shaft and balls come to each others court. what happens den?

the end

The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.




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Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."


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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.



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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."


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Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"


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Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."


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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er, his face."


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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"


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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."


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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."


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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."


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Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."


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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


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Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."


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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."


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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."


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Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


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Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"


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Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"


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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


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Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"


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Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


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Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"


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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"


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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."


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Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"


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Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"


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Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


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Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


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Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."


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Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


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Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"


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Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"


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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."


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Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."


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Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."


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Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."


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Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.


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Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


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Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."


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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"


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Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."


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The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."


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Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."


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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


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Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."


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Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"


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Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"


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Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"


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Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"


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Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."


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Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on, what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."


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Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


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Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."


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Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."


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Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."


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Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

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Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me had you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
*****************************************
Dear Ex-Husband -
> >Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me So take care.
Signed, your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me, "
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who
can handle the truth !

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politcs?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
, 1. Im the head of the family, so call me the president
, 2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
, 3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
, 4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working class.
, 5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

"Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper So, the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad i think i understand the concept of politics now:

The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about"

The little boy replies, "The president is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the Future is in deep $hit".

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in
sick.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello".

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.


"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No".

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?²"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the
ear piece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME"

Oil change instructions for Women:



1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 Miles since the last oil change.



2) Drink a cup of coffee.



3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00



Total $21.00





Oil Change instructions for Men:



1) Drive to O'Reilly Auto Parts buy a case of oil, filter, Kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.



2) Stop by Brewers Retail and buy a case of beer, write a check for $30, drive home.



3) Open a beer and drink it.



4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7) Place drain pan under engine.



Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9) Give up and use crescent wrench.



10) Unscrew drain plug.



11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter. Splashing oil everywhere from holes.

Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink another beer.



17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



19) Remember drain plug from step 11.



20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



21) Drink another beer.



22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink another beer.



24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain

and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.



25) Begin cussing fit.



26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.



27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.



28) More beer.



29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



30) More beer.



31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



32) Beer.



33) Lower car from jack stands.



34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.



35) Beer.



36) Test drive car.



37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



38) Car gets impounded.



39) Call loving wife, make bail.



40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.





Money spent:



Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in
sick.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello".

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.


"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No".

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?²"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the
ear piece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME"

Hi,
Men like sports cos it help them to relax. And with women there is nothing like relaxing. In sports even if your team fail to win today, they will tomorrow. but Women instead of improving, it is the other way round.
Thank you.

hey,
This guy is just making up all these things and sleeping with all this gals to make himself more famous. Plenty guys sleep with plenty gals and have plenty kids everywhere is he the first abi Will he be the last? He should not worry when the real robbers will attack I pray his life will not be involved.
Pls guys should beg him to stop all this acting this is not Holly wood nor bolly wood. He wants Nolly wood to act a film or him we know. But my warning is for him to be careful because the real guys will not waste time but kill him. If you think this will not happen, lets watch n see.
Meanwhile now that he is still alive he should continue to scatter his offsprings as long as the gals continue to be foolish. Who no go chop if dem give am?
"Bro chop but make you de clean mouth. Nothing do you"

Gentlemen,
I don't believe anybody should choose career based on pay, because if that is the case every Nigerian will want to be a politician cos that is the only place where you eat without working per say. Instead, look for a career that will give you satisfaction n not kill you on time. And for those of you who have beef with the armed Forces it is nobody's fault that you did not make it. Maybe in your next life u will make it bu for now just hide urself.

Hi evri1,
You guys shld leave 4Him alone pls, you pple are after Bishop, church, bank moni and forgeting evrytin else the Christ is the Authr n finisher of our faith. It is high time u see the point he is making leave these earthly things Alone afterall even if it is the churchs moni, the bank will still pay for it cos it was stolen frm d bank. You guys shld get ur acts rit n think well.
I believe Heavn is our goal. For the robbers they are even beta dan some of us cos de don't pretend, and SIN IS SIN no big or small sin, some of us hide thinking that nobody sees us, but God knows us all. So let us all think of how to make Heavn and leave Bishop and the robbers alone God de. And pls it is free to respect ur Bishop, but stop the worshiping of Bishop and quote ur bible and not Bishop. instead quote Jesus for he is the way the truth and the Life.
God be for us all. Cheers.

hi everyone,
the real pple that are going to suffer this are the banks, cos the church was not robbed. And I don't believe that the Bishop will tell the bank to forget about the money because robbers took it. therefore the real victims in this case is the bank and not the church so you pple shoould stop this pro and anti Bishop fight. and think of the security problem cos I think that is the only thing that is going to concern the church in this case as for the monitory lose it is the Bank that will suffer it. I pray God to give upple the understsnding to understand this.

The armed forces is not well paid PERIOD!

How can they say that they have increased the pay of the armed forces, and remove all the benefits, bringing the pay to where it was b4 and making work done = 0?

Permission to join up sir!
Gentlemen leave what does not concern you.as long as you are not in the system then please leave the pay alone and if you are really interested in knowing, then join them.