₦airaland Forum

Foxy_Ultimate: Not now... When it is completed

Foxy_Ultimate: Not now... When it is completed

Larry-Sun:
If the work is going to appear on the frontpage, I'd appreciate it if the supermod locked it first. I wouldn't want readers' comments on the thread spoiling the fun, you know.

the mods will seen this and do as you ask.

but dont you want to know of peoples general opin?

Larry-Sun:
I'm very much impressed with all those that Ishilove has pointed out, gives HBG the chance to correct. But, however, some of them can be explained:

1. Ishi is right. No woman would be nine months pregnant and still have a flat stomach, except Foxy's girlfriend.

2. 'Beau' is a woman's male lover. I learnt that from reading Gone With The Wind.

3&4. Very shrewd, Ishi is.

5. In this case, I thought one killed Koko, while another burnt down his mansion. But Koko wasn't in the burning building, so, rather Koko, it was his wife and killed who got roasted. Koko's son could really have killed him, if the son was not aware of that he was committing patricide. And the greed that led to Koko's demise could be systematically explained by the next writer(s). I envision Kamo learning about the truth, reconciling with Lucan (whom he supposedly shot) and going after the demonic Obatola (I prefer Obatola to Obotola, the latter sounds somehow obscene ). But I know the story may not veer to such direection.

6. I found that confusing too, but I can only guess. The 'she' (who must be obeyed , kidding) who ran after Koko was Obatola's wife (Enike's mother and the same one barbecued in the inferno). And, just perhaps, the greed referred to in Chapter Eight was the fact that Koko ate the meat meant for the god. The resentment Obatola has for Enike, that, I can't guess. I reckon the writer would make adjustments and shed more light.

7. The writer didn't say Victor Mobo was HIM, HIM could still be someone more powerful than Victor...HIM would never post his full name after that quotation. Even Cathy may not know the real HIM, thinking Victor is.

8. Ayodele may not have known that he was related to Tracy, even till his own death too.

Ishilove: Very interesting HBG. You gave 'Him' a human face and he fits more in the mould of a super villain than JayB, and like Larry has pointed out, you have also introduced a new villain. I wonder where other writers will place 'The Limping Man' . Very nice.

My observations:

"Enike stood infront of her floor to ceiling wall mirror, her stomach ever so flat which went quite well with her thin body frame. But the flat tummy didn't make her happy, she was after all nine months pregnant."-A woman can't be nine months pregnant and have a flat tummy. NEVER. Consider revising.

"For a twenty three year old beau like her, it was hard to get boys off her back and the guy was no exception." - If I'm not mistaken, 'beau' means 'boyfriend'. Consider revising.

You need to be consistent with names, I see 'Enika and Obosola' in some places, then 'Enike and Obasola' in others. However since these are Nigerian names you are not familiar with, I guess we can overlook them.

"At last she found her voice" - Why? When we use sentences this way, it is usually because the character has been in a flabbergasting or shocking situation that has robbed the character of speech.

Why did Cathy mummur a weak thank you?

What was it threw her off so that she lost her voice and later 'found it'? Consider revising.

"Cathy was watching his lips
move and listening to the sound from his
chest." - How? Sounds are often heard in our chest when there is a problem with our lungs, or breathing. If this is the case, the breaths come out as wheezes, which are audible to the ears. The only sound that can be heard in our chest is the heartbeat which is not audible to the human ear. Consider revising.

"I have settled Koko's score, he was
murdered by his sons, the other plotting while the other roasted him...". -This directly clashes with the storyline. In chapter 8, following Madam K's train of thoughts, we get to the point where she muses that Koko was killed because of his greed. She warned him about the consequences of crossing HIM, but his greed did not allow him listen and he paid for it. So Koko's sons could not have been the killers since HIM's deputy has pointed to the contrary. Consider revising.

"He had so many times wondered how the man does it. He had provided for her but she still ran after him. Serves them both right that she had died but he had felt pity and resentment for little Enike who didn't understand anything." - I don't understand this paragraph. Who ran after Koko? Which Enike is being referred to here? How is Koko connected to Enike? Victor Mobo's late daughter was also named Enike so I find this paragraph confusing.

Victor Mobo Obasola is the mysterious HIM, so why does he drop quotes with his real name?

If Ayodele knew Tracy was his half-sister, why did he go ahead to kill her? Wouldn't he have tried to establish some link or contact? And besides, in Tracy's and Lucan's apartment, we are given the impression that he and Tracy were strangers to each other. Or did he come into the information AFTER he had murdered her?

There are also some typos here and there but they are minor. Good job