₦airaland Forum

timpaker:
[b]SOLDIER ON THE RUN (Ottava rima)

A soldier, a patriot, a clarion call
Heeded from the barrack of bravery
To the fanatical fray that may doom them all
Wielding AK-47 and other accouterments; wizardry,
Marching through the morasses of a desert-forest; the gall
Of those broken plants of mingled weeds clung his boots,-weary,
Snakes, insects and toads all begged him to stop, but he protested
As the badge of honour shrouds his fears - the ones he once jested

Boom!!! The earth he stood danced in terror's craze
His platoon plunged into plangent plaints
As more ballistic balls drops, smokes leaped into streaming haze,
His gun coughed far into the chaotic carnival to taint
The enemy with death's pellet or completely raze... -
His bullets suddenly jammed and a reciprocal sends him faint
And they came in their kerosene numbers and took him away
Chanting in semitic language, the greatness of thee throughout the day

He woke up behind an Arabized insignia and
A cameraman finding delight with his sight
As numbingly the tinges of fear gagged his lip and hands,
A chewing stick man rumpled by bloated zealotry shared his plight
Spitting aspersions while wielding a machine gun like a magic wand
And another sprouts out with a rocket for hunting kites
Extends a dagger in a friendly handshake to the other
And swaggered off, making mockery of other's weapon at the corner

A gently push sends him to the ground
Amidst his murderer's face he froze him with a stare
He refused to flinch by swallowing all painful sounds
His last bubble of thought burst in flares;
Life's juice gushes out like a leaked water pipe on the ground
Yet the soldier's gaze clung to the other in hazy stares
Till the neck gave up its patriotic head
And an eulogistic song was sang around the dead.[/b]

OMA4U:
I've not got the enough time to upload poems lately.

Watch out for the new poetry inventions this weekend. I'll tag you anyway.
Thanks
OMA

tolutweety:
^^^ Good one.

Me likey...cos yam is my favourite too.

timpaker:
There you have it....
Apologies for sending it late. I just check the thread now and wrong it asap.

Any error(s) should be pardoned too

I see you!!!

texanomaly:
I like Paramour. Elicite, tawdry, evil but too lucious to to abstain.

daveP:
was contemplating that as a possible title for the poem. Guess its not too conc for it. Have any1 suggested a title?

OMA4U:
Well written poem. I love it!
In verse 2, try changing to, "In your firm grip I am a puppet" ..... "your kisses are sweet sour strawberry/that kneel my feeble feet before your dominating heart"

I think this brings out better imagery and the use of some words like 'puppet' shows that your addiction controls you and you have no power over its 'dominating heart'. Heart signifies love between you and your addiction as you portray the poem.
Also the oxymoron used, 'sweet sour' shows that you enjoy what you despise, but you can't help it. You will also notice the alliteration employed, 'sweet sour strawberry' it aids the flow. (Timparker knows this better).

Do some more revisions. I love your poems!

God bless you, sir
OMA

timpaker:
Interesting....


Oya make I go write about 'Yam'..... Yeah that's the only addiction I know...

Brb...

daveP:
Want!!

texanomaly:
Wow! You didn't "try" to depict your struggle. You "did" it. Nice job.


Just one thing though...

You sucked your navel? Seriously? You must be way more limber than me.

texanomaly:
Btw. Where are she and her kids now?

timpaker:
great piece I must say. Like tex said, just focus on making a good poem. Poetry forms does not. However, it might interest you to know that what you have there is a form known as Dramatic Monologue, cuz you're using a character in fiction or in solo mode (pardon me, I'm too lazy to spell sololoqui, you know that moment when you just talk and lament on your own)
to deliver a lengthy speech explaining a feeling, action, or motive. . Great job!

Writeditor:
Touching story. I don't review poetry but this is good. And since you're writing from her point of view shouldn't "her voice" in the third stanza be "my voice"?