@johnmba

I noticed you said the change started once he got married 15 years ago and also went on to slate the wife's background.

Are you trying to blame his wife for the change in behaviour?

You all rejected and criticised someone he loves and he stood up for her.Some men do not tolerate things like that and your brother is clearly one of them.They have been married for 15 years ,hopefully happily which shows he probably made the right decision for himself.

You cannot seek a relationship with him without mending fences with her.

One of the reasons why he is not associating with you is the treatment meted out to her by you all if i'm to go by what you wrote.Perhaps you should start from there and eat the humble pie.

He does not even associate with his own parents, even his mother..what did you guys do to him/his wife that caused him to dissociate to this extent? It can't be as simple as you painted it.

Some people once they turn their backs on you, depending on their grievances would never ever reconsider, sadly that is how life is.

@OP
It is shocking how you have downplayed the huge contribution your brother has made to your lives.He is your sibling and not your parent and yet he was paying fees, giving money for business and he even gave a car.You even said he did not deprive himself of anything to make these sacrifices.No wonder he avoids all of you.

You are saying no one is asking for money or anything but your posts are saying otherwise: 1. you have mentioned that people wonder why your brother works in shell and you an engineer in a hospital
2. You have said your elder brother is not moving. 3. He wanted to marry and did not receive any support from your family but got criticism on top of it.

Let's not kid ourselves here, once he let's you all in, the requests will start piling in.

It is extremely off putting and creates strains in relationships.

Maybe your brother cut you all off so he and his nuclear family can progress, i imagine if he kept carrying you all, he would be stuck catering to you forever and depriving his family of the kind of lifestyle appropriate.

The fact that he would rather render assistance to strangers than to you all speaks volumes and reinforces the fact that he must see you all as life draining and toxic to his well being.

Fortunately, relationships cannot be forced. Pour your energy into making yourself rich too and focus on your own family.

Everything already willed to me and vice versa.
If situation changes,will can be rewritten.

I found the thread deeply offensive,perhaps op did not know how she came off?

Where is the enjoyment in sex if it is forced? Especially when it is by someone who swore to love and cherish you and vice versa.

A man or woman that loves you and is considerate of you will not force him/herself on you.

Are you also implying that if a husband wants for eg an al sex,even if you're not in agreement,he is free to carry on because once you are married,you have no choice?

Or maybe if a wife wants to stick a cucumber in husband's ass,he can't say no because he has already given consent on the marriage day?

Where do you draw the line?

You mentioned that when the person gets hurt they can seek redress.

So how hurt will the person be before they can seek that redress? 1 inch wound or 2 inches? How about the scars that are psychological and others cannot see?

Where will they seek redress for that one?

Bukatyne, before they deleted,I mentioned that you may need to sit with some victims and see the impact of rape ,years and years later they remain damaged.

Imagine being in an oh yes marriage and sex is carried out forcefully on you.

How about a partner with STDs? Can you also say no?

People do not want sex for various reasons,their wishes should be respected.

How can marriage be a shroud to allow atrocities? You implied that rape can happen between unmarried people but once you are married rape now carries a different name.

Is vag inal tear from forceful intercourse when married
different from the one sustained when it's a boyfriend?Do cuts to a pe nis have a different design because he is a husband?

I understand how difficult it is when the person you love and want to be with says no to your advances,it happens to the best of us.


Consent is vital,marriage does not erode a person's basic human rights.

It gladdens my heart to see many people speaking up against your statement.

Perhaps you should have phrased it as a question instead of making it a statement?

It would be interesting to find out why it was deleted,maybe you can mail the mod and ask.

I didn't even get to read my mention .

Very inflammatory topic especially for victims of marital rape.

Maybe you need to be sensitive about what you post in family section.

Try sexuality..they may be more lenient.

Isn't it better to just sit down and talk?

@upmike

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife,it sounds like you are doing a very good job with the children.

Your concerns are valid and it is good you are wary of changing the dynamics as your children are at a very delicate stage,two of them will soon be teenagers.

The choice is yours,some people would rather raise their kids till they're independent before remarrying,some marry immediately,some never remarry.

Different strokes for different folks,you just have to weigh the risks and benefits properly.

Do you want more children or not,how would your children feel about having a new woman in their lives, etc

All you have listed can happen without marriage, you can employ someone to do chores in your home and leave at the end of the day.

You can have a lady companion who provides you with warmth,sex and conversation and may not even want to be married or saddled full time with caring for children.

Any arrangement can be made with a female provided you are crystal clear about what you want.

Best of luck!

weak45:
good evening ma,yes it is been difficult truly but with the help of kind spirited individuals we are making progress already and very soon it will a be a story.
below is my bank account detail as requested

Done,I hope you have received it.
Cheers.

This must be a very difficult time for your family, especially your brother,he must feel so afraid as he is so young. Kudos to you and your family for being so brave and trying your best.


Please can you put up your account details.

jackyraw09:


Special thanks to you madam(sir?). I sincerely appreciate your contributions

Cheers,I hope things improve

kelechiodo:





Thanks so much for your reply. But sincerely do you think that any medication at this stage will help her in any way. Maybe just enough to remember any of her kids

Hello,I'm so so sorry that I forgot to check in.
Unfortunately medication for this illness won't necessarily mean a return to old self and remembering things,it MAY just reduce progression of illness.
Some benefit,others don't .It is person dependent.

I wish you and your family all the best.

jackyraw09:
Update!!

The woman left yesterday, with her sister and daughter. I think my mission is completed. Only focus now is on getting old man much needed rest and food as well as exercise for 2-3months before he sets out on vacation.

Thanks ya’all for the replies and all that. I sincerely appreciate everything.

I wish you all the best going forward!!

kelechiodo:



Hmm. I really wish you have a better news. All the necessary test was done, it was actually the brain scan that stated something like “ Atrophy, .....Alzheimer suspected”. Unfortunately it seems that where their expertise ended. The first doctor that handled her just wanted to send her to early grave. Was busy shouting “no solution, no solution”, and always prescribe only ” hardol” for her that nearly turned her into zombie. Infact without mincing word, the medicines offered here seem to accelerate the entire thing and just like you stated, she cannot do anything by herself again outside eating.
What surprises me is that she was never agitated but only confused till it degenerate to this present stage when she eventually retired from her teaching job. Though we already stopped her from going to office a year prior to the retirement day. Well, like Christians, we can only hope that somehow, miracle will happen either in form of divine healing or vaccine discovered before it becomes late.

We have traced the family history to fourth generation, nothing like that was seen.

Thanks very much for your prompt reply.

Hello,
It must be very shocking for your family to see that sort rapid decline.
The problem with dementia especially in a younger person is that at first people will think it's normal forgetfulness,normal confusion ,clumsiness, depression,anxiety,thinking too much etc till the person deteriorates and by then even the meds I mentioned may now not be useful.

Once early diagnosis and treatment is missed, prognosis is poorer.

I'm surprised you mentioned there's no history of dementia in your family,early onset dementia is uncommon..there is usually someone in the past who had memory problems or who suddenly changed behaviour,became aggressive,someone who was known to hold conversations with himself,or see things that others couldn't see etc.

Unfortunately,they may have thought the person needed deliverance instead of medical care.

Haldol is an anti psychotic and it is usually to sedate the person and reduce agitation/aggression.It cannot be given in all dementias at all.

You said medications accelerated the whole thing,it shouldn't. Most likely whatever she received made her symptoms worse that is why It is essential that the type of dementia is known for sure. eg If she started off with fluctuation in memory,maybe seeing things others cannot see,feeling there's someone else in the house when there's none,very restless , movement problems resembling parkinsons ,falls, difficulty with speech then another form of dementia is considered.

It's important you also educate yourself on the different dementias and see which one best describes your mum,that combined with the CT result could give you peace of mind that she's at least recieving the best possible care.

Speak to her doctor,arm yourself with knowledge,then you all will sit down and fashion out a management plan to make her life easier.

I am really sorry for the suffering you all are going through especially your mother.

It is a very difficult situation.

PS: Read up Alzheimer's , Lewy body dementia, Fronto temporal dementia ,Vascular dementia

I am hoping along with millions of others that there's a breakthrough in research for this horrible illness.

My warmest regards to your mother.

kelechiodo:


Pls can you recommend drugs for someone having dementia (Alzheimer). Mum is 57 and is already suffering from it. The drugs being used here always worsen her condition that it has deteriorated severely. Can hardly attach my name to face. If we can communicate via email, I will so much appreciate.
Thanks

Hello Kelechiodo,

I'm sorry for your predicament,it is a very difficult situation.

Early onset dementia unfortunately does not have a good prognosis and it is heart breaking to see a loved one wither away before your eyes.
Seems it has really progressed as she isn't able to recognise you.

Unfortunately,due to professional constraints I cannot start prescribing / recommending medications for someone I cannot see and assess and I need to reiterate that medications do not cure/ reverse this disease,just slow it down depending on how advanced it is.

There are different medications used in dementia ..there's memantine, donepezil, galantamine, rivastigmine etc

Each one is selected according to the medical history of the patient,the type of dementia and the side effects.

It is usually a complicated process, a full interview of the person and family is taken, some paper exercises done, blood tests to make sure it's not an infection, electrolyte imbalance,even dehydration and then at least a CT scan to rule out a bleed in the brain ,a brain tumor etc as these are a few diseases that can present like dementia.


I'm explaining this so you see why it's hard to recommend medication .

It seems you've gone through the above and arrived at a diagnosis.

Unfortunately,there's no magic pill and this disease sadly gets worse and the patient as time passes gets more agitated, aggressive ,confused and barely able to do anything for themselves.

I would recommend that she is managed by a psychiatrist who has experience in managing dementia.

You also have to be very alert as sometimes if more agitated than usual,an infection could be the reason and antibiotics would bring back to her baseline.

I wish I had better news to give and able to give more hope .

jackyraw09:


Creamcustard, modified, thanks

Thank you for replying.

From the little you've written it does seem your father was very harsh when you were growing up and it is baffling for you to see him in this 'weakened' state.

It must've been quite a difficult childhood,sorry about that.

You mention that his mind is not sharp at all and he is super forgetful,he's even forgotten that he lost a huge amount of money and is saying different things.

It seems he was saying different things and you thought he was lying.

When I asked about cognitive decline,I mean forgetfulness,problems with memory,misplacing things, difficulty paying attention,getting lost,
moody,sometimes agitated, difficulty recognising people,places or things,finding things they used to do before very overwhelming, difficulty carrying out daily tasks,slower speech, struggling to remember words etc these are some features,depends on how severe.

What you have mentioned sounds like a man who now appears confused ,disorientated , lost,misplacing things fearful,not confident,bad short term memory,now very dependent on people to make decisions for him and do things for him, a complete opposite of the person you knew him to be.Arguing with your brother may be default mode,him doing what he knows to do best.

In the elderly some cognitive decline is normal,but for some people it veers towards dementia.

I'm not saying this is what it is as I haven't assessed your father,but where I work( outside Naija) when we see people like this we like to speak with them and their families,do a scan,do some blood tests,some paper exercises before we can say for sure this is it.

We also give medications but the medication is not a cure,all it does is slow down progression of disease.

I don't know what the pathway is in Nigeria and I think I'm jumping the gun but if you are concerned you should go to see a medic to rule out any other causes of this. Maybe it's normal aging,maybe there's something more? Can't tell.

What I'm really trying to say is that the forgetfulness could be very frightening for him ,The changes he may be noting in himself would be quite distressing .
Imagine being in a constant state of confusion , misplacing everything.. imagine the state his mind is in..a huge whirl so confrontation may lead to further antagonism and agitation.

If there is a medical problem,he may never return to the man you knew so simple steps to make life easier and simpler.

Eg 1. A watch that has the day and time
2. A diary and a pen for him to carry around and remind himself of things
3.Keep stimulated: it's excellent that he's started tennis
4. He can join the choir

He is also very vulnerable and already is being abused by his wife and her sister. He must be afraid of them but sees them as his care givers ,they are familiar to him so in situations like this,will swallow abuse than be in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.


Abusers don't change,instead they will terrorise him further and hide the abuse better.

If they've started leaving his surroundings dirty,imagine what would happen if he declined further and maybe wets himself etc?


The only way to stop this is to find a carer to help him with his day to day living and also remove him and cut contact from the abusers.

However,if you feel his behaviour is no cause for concern per se,it's talking and gentle encouragement.


I wish you all the best..I'm sure I've forgotten to write a lot more things, busy at work.sorry

Hello jackyraw09,

This must be very distressing for you and especially your father.

He chose the woman himself for reasons best known to him so disengaging from her must be his decision with you gently encouraging him otherwise,no matter what you do,he will pine for her and sneak back to her at the slightest opportunity.

When you say he is weak,what do you mean? Does he have any cognitive impairment? Is his mind as sharp as it used to be,is he forgetful,is he able to feed,bathe, dress himself without help?

What is the woman's function? Companionship or help with daily stuff he needs done for him?


Ask him what he wants? What are his interests? What does he want to do? Where are places he wants to visit? Travelling sounds great if in a group that share same interests.

He can start up a small walking football club for oldies ,they can meet and walk kick football for one hour just to keep fit.

A university may be too much to handle but have you asked him if he wants to attend? A computer school may even be simpler just to keep him occupied.

How about book clubs?They read a particular and pick a day to discuss it.

Stuff like that that are not too tasking but can keep him occupied.

It's important you don't infantilise him as he may resent this and just do the opposite of what you want.

Gentle encouragement to see things from your perspective and accept the help you can offer.


I hope it improves.

Cheers!

Fake story as usual by joro.
Simple Google would show this

Hello Op,
I'm sorry for your distress.

You said you feel something crawling round your body?Do you see the things?Can you describe what you see and how it makes you feel?Can other people see the things or is it only you?

Are you hearing anything?like people or the succubus speaking to you or about you?

You sound like you are very stressed out and in times like this some people are more prone to having strange experiences, strange beliefs,seeing and hearing things essentially a separation from reality.

You are also confused & self neglecting ie not eating or drinking,that will cause serious damage to your kidneys.

I would ask you to please seek help in a hospital as it sounds like you are having a psychotic episode.

Can you go to someone you know so they can help you seek admission?

If this is caught early,there are huge chances for recovery.

Hello Op,

This must be a very challenging situation for both of you.
I'll say you probably went about it the wrong way, without considering the character of your spouse.

I'm assuming you bought Ben-wa balls for her to use.Ben-wa balls are usually very good to improve tone.
It is invasive in the sense that she has to insert it in her vjay and hold it in there,it's not for everyone.

How did you approach the talk? Mannerism matters especially when dealing with something so sensitive.
I would be offended if I'm told I have a loose vjay and then have a Ben-wa ball shoved in my face as a solution.

How would you feel if she came home one day and told you that your prick is smal,has always been small and she can't take it anymore and she has bought a di ck extender for you?

Have you considered that she has gone through child birth and is insecure about her body?

I personally don't like when people insult each other,it's usually a battle of who will inflict more hurt on the other person. After hurling insults,what next? You both need to grow up.

The worst part is this 'leave my house' you guys bandy about freely, she will forever hold low grade resentment towards you and now be aware that she's not secure at all which will make matters worse.

Explore why she is miserable.Has she always been miserable? Is she suffering from postnatal depression?

You have said that she has let go of herself emotionally and physically.Is she low in mood,no energy,no enjoyment in anything,not wanting to go out,over or under eating,not caring about anything.

She may actually be depressed, she needs to see a doctor if this is the case.

Times like this,it's best to take a more supportive stance and work through problems sensitively & with tact.

If you deal.with the psychological aspect,the physical will follow and I bet she will be more receptive to other things.


I hope you both sort this out,if you cannot then please co parent cordially so your lovely child does not miss out on the love of father and mother.

Someone needs to apologise and then the other person will follow.



Good luck

@themodernman

It is awful what you've been through and what you are going through.
I hope you won't be offended by my suggestion that you need to speak to someone?

Psychologist/psychiatrist as your rage is still very palpable and you haven't developed proper coping strategies when faced with the behaviour of your family members.

You are a medic and you know mental health is not about being mad,it encompasses so much more.. doctors never look after themselves.

My worry is escalation and provocation to.the point where you may do something really impulsive seeing as you have had to use a knife to threaten to harm your sibling and also yourself.

I understand that their behaviour is very aggravating but people like this will never change,so your self esteem will not improve and your rage will keep building.

Since you still have to deal with them for years,you will have to find a way to modify your response to them otherwise something disastrous is bound to happen.

Alcohol won't help,it will only dull your pain for a moment but the next day you will wake up with a hang over ontop of everything.


It would be wise to talk to a professional and even consider separating yourself from the source of your angst.

Best of luck.

He may be telling us something we don't know.
Why is he not hitting on other 'straight' men?
Hmmm