₦airaland Forum

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

ambassadorgozie:
6th of January 2020 is the day I won’t forget. I work as a personal assistant/secretary to my boss who happens to be a former politician.

My boss came to work with her housemaid for her to help in sweeping, cleaning and tidying up the office being the resumption day. She instructed us on how to go about it before she stepped out from the office promising to come back in the afternoon.

We started the work immediately until afternoon time when I decided to rest and eat. While eating I beckoned the grown up housemaid to come and eat or at least rest before she continues the cleaning but she declined. After like an hour, I told her to rest small, she declined yet again. This prompted me to go close to her in order to convince her to eat something or rest.


Why trying to convince her to eat and rest? You said she is a grown woman. You want to use your village wooing code on her. You placed your hand over her shoulder as what? As her father, husband or boyfriend? No girl will react that way if you have not been trying to play dirty games with her. Is not as if you guys had issues or live in the same house. Man tell yourself the truth and stop this nonsense.
My worst mistake and nightmare was attempting to put my hand on her shoulder in my stupid bid to convince her. Immediately my hand touched her shoulder she started shouting continuously that I want to rape her, that she will deal with me; in fact that I will get sacked. At first I told her my intention, but she wouldn’t hear me, I then resorted to pleading, I even knelt down begging her that it wasn’t my intention to rape or grab her. She couldn’t stand my talks and pleading, she called the boss immediately telling her that I want to rape her. We narrated everything to the boss, (a lawyer), when she returned. After hearing from us she said she has stayed with her maid for couple of years, thus she trust her, and it may be true that I wanted to rape her or lure her for sex. She couldn’t see my explanation, pleadings and even crying. She said she has two options; either to call police for me or to sack me. That’s how she later sacked me that day.

I have been devastated and depressed since that day, not because of the sack but the allegation and accusation that was not even on my mind. The worst is that as an introvert I have no one to talk to, I am damn down.

Notes: 1. I have no intention of raping, grabbing or having sex with her
2. I will not be so stupid to rape or have sex with the housemaid in the office knowing that the boss will come at any time
3. I have not raped anyone or plan to do so in the future because I know is morally and legally wrong.

pamelaayomide:
Nairalanders I am actually typing this with fear of what to come.

I am an active member of this forum but change moniker by registering and creating a new one here to hide my identity.

Origin...

I met my boyfriend in school actually we were in the same department at funnab. We did things together. We were in love and had sex when we feel like it. We planned to get married after school.

Mistake...

I went to a birthday party of one of my close friends, I had three friends and we are like clique.
During the party I got drunk and the guy that took us to the party in his car took advantage of my drunken state and had sex with me and make it look like it is consensual. During the act I know what was happening but was too weak and blurred. I didn't know there was a video recording of the act. When I woke up the guy was no where to be found so I kept it to myself.

Blackmail...

When my guy found out that I cheated on him, he was furious. I denied it initially but when he showed me the sex clip I admitted it but defended myself on the ground that it was rape and not consensual. I summon courage and asked him how did he come up with the sex tape but that he would not answer to. He left that moment and I start feeling that he knows something about the tape and wants to blackmail.

Threat...

He showed up one day at my hostel and threaten to leak the tape online. I begged him profusely not to do that but he said my plea and tears are waste of time. That he will let everyone know the kind of loose lady I am for betraying and cheating on him. That I will regret the day I met him. That I doesn't deserve his love.

Currently...

He is yet to release the clip but may actually do that with what is happening to the Babcock ex student.

What should I do to stop him before he destroys me.

anambraamaka:
Y’all saying 20 M Duplex come be how much?

zicoraads:
This is wrong. There should be cameras in hallways and general school areas, not inside the classrooms.

Oooops:
Hello Guys,

Kindly assist. I have an 18months old child (1year 6months) but he is yet to talk.

He only makes sounds and gesticulates. He also hum when baby sings are being played or atleast tries to blab along but that’s all.

He has not said any real thing like daddy or mummy or anything at all.

I have met children who are not up to 1yr or even 1yr and some months already talking. This is getting me worried. Should I be worried

Parents pls I need your opinion on what I should do.

Mods kindly assist for broader suggestions. Beginning to get desperate.

Sweettwenty8:
Finaly i decided to create an account

What's up Nairaland, Please Pardon my English.

So me and my man been married for a year now but here's the thing he does that pisses me OFF!!! TOTALLY!!!! ehn,

Madam, stop cooking white rice for now. Don't mind those calling you a bad cook. Your husband like road side beans, that is just it. If you are cook your husband would have told you somehow. If they say you cook bad, how come he eats every other of your food without complain?

every time I cook rice and stew (fried stew/fish/meat) he'd ask me to go outside the estate to go and buy Ewa(beans) (I'm using Ewa because that's how he pronounces it. So I noticed this earlier and I started Cooking beans anytime I cook rice. He'll still request for 'Ewa' the Mama put beans made and sold by the roadside

While we dated he'd even ask me to cook for himself and his friends and if my cooking was bad, I'd have gotten feedback somehow.. how can I serve food and he'll ask me to go get 'Ewa' at Shangisha Outside Magodo Gra to mix his rice even when we have visitors he will send me a whatsapp message to still go get Ewa most times he'll even book uber if i tell him I'm too tired to drive I'm tired of going to buy Ewa!!

How do i get to know what the problem is, because it's definitely not my cooking, 2 of my office buddies they don't buy lunch because i bring enough food for 3 of us everyday and they'd have stopped eating it if it was bad

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.


Mr, Apology continue. If you must know, that child is not yours and the woman doesn't know he to tell you. She just want to get you angry so that you will be left with no option but divorce her. Does the child in any resembles you or any member of your family? Listen and listen good. Go for DNA test now and know the real start of that child, if not you be so shock when you find the out soon. Do t forget, the US will definitely ask for DNA of that child. One girl you married with your money insulted your mom and your family and you apologized. You need God.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

QuickStandard:
Nigerians always defending mediocrity, so asking someone who wants to win a show that has 19 other contestants what the characteristics of a winner is, is now an offense huh??

I bet Tacha or what's her name can't teach my daughter in nursery 2.... #Fact

What a country...
Ebuka asked a stupid question. Does he expects a housemate to review his or her strategies in the presents of other housemates? Tacha sees herself as the winner, hence she gave that answer "Tacha Tacha Tacha" What a hell of a question was the idiot Ebuka asking?. If they had ask Tacha to define characteristics right away, and she messed up, that would have be a very different thing. The characteristics of winning BBNAIJA game is Tacha, because Tacha posses all the qualities of winning a mind game such as BBNAIJA.

BabaCommander:
Not holding brief for him, but I would like to know when he was disrobed.