Sapphic:

Unfortunately, some people do not know how bad a partner is until they have been married and started living together. There are many habits that can be hidden (or which are not minifested) until 2 people start to live together. I personally think it is a good idea to live with your intended for a while (a year at least) before doing the marriage thing. That might give you an insider view of what living with him/her is likely to be for the rest of your life.

I understand what you mean Sapphic, but personally I wouldn't recommend that. That's just me. I've heard from many non Nigerians that it's better to live together first so you learn your partner's habits, and then some of these same people, say things change when you get married. If you're lving together before you get married and then you get married things change. What has really changed? It works for some though (if you have no underlying beliefs) that hinder you from doing it, sure.

I personally believe that if you're close to your partner. If both of you are honest with each other (no fronting and all that crap), you'll know what you're getting into. How would you not know if your guy cooks? How would you not know if he only does it because he's not married? Don't you have discussions? I know quite a number of guys that cook, my husband, my brother in law, a couple of guy friends, and they all still cook after marriage. That's just an example. You have discussions with them and you get to understand their core beliefs.

I wish the best for everyone.

Personally, I'm married. I didn't date much, was only interested in serious relationships and that's what I got. I never actually got involved with anyone that fits the description of a "bastard" as outlined in the post. I was only interested in a serious guy who had confidence in himself, didn't need approval/praise from his friends, knew what he wanted in life, was a Christian, had a good relationship with his mum and could speak up to her, NOT a follower/doormat, has a mind of his own. That's what I have and I thank God!

Taken:

Nevertheless, I think some of these so called bastards have a better sweet sides that some ladies can not resist. No one wants a dull guy/gal.

True, most people don't want a dull guy/gal. But I'm pretty sure those are extremes, there's always balance.

@Taken, you said many girls want the popular guys, guys that many other women want, so these guys end up being proud and thus "bastards"?

I guess I could then say that many men end up being attracted to very beautiful/high maintenance type of women, no? The guy's friends think the girl is beautiful, etc, this makes the guy's ego swell. These high maintenance ladies end up expecting a lot from their guys, thus end up being stuck up/pompous/etc?

It's like a stupid cycle. If we all would just have confidence in ourselves and stop seeking the approval of our friends/enemies, the world would be a much better place.

JustGood:

yesterday, my I made my own lunch for work cos my wife was almost late for work. This morning, she was up early and made me something special for lunch.

i dont like going in the kitchen except I have to AND I cant compel my wife to make my meal but she does it because she likes to do it. I think its one of the things she enjoys doing for me. If that means I am enslaving my wife, too bad.

Even when she was doing a PG study, she made me food most times. I dont see it as any big deal. Did any man starve before getting married? That (food making) is definitely not a measure of respect. When she was writing exams sometime ago, I made meals for the whole family and I'm sure I taught her a thing or two in the kitchen about how to burn everything you cook

JustGood, I don't think anyone is saying that a woman cannot cook for her husband/family. I think the issue is when people say she has to do it or when her husband is completely content with doing most of the cooking and then people OUTSIDE the marriage decide to concern themselves with what's not their business and say he shouldn't be doing it. The point is that it is not any particular human being's work. Some women love to cook, some men love to do the same. Anyone of them in a marriage should do it. In your case, your wife loves to do it, no problem. The problem arises when either party in a marriage does NOT like to cook. In that case, I think they should just both do it together or pretty much have a detailed discussion on how it's going to work before they enter into a marriage.

People forget that when we were growing up in Nigeria, many of our parents had help (maids, drivers, guys that washed clothes, etc). In my house anyway, my mother did NOT do everything. We had help. For those of us in the US now, labor is not as cheap as it is/was in Nigeria, so we have to do everything. Ofcourse, this needs to be shared to maintain a happy home. And at the end of the day, I'm hoping that is what we all want. Because if that's not the case, there's no need to get married. Why live a miserable life for the rest of one's life? God has created us on this earth for much more than that. Everyone should just try to figure out what their end goals are, because to tell the truth, I don't think this thing is as complicated as many make it out to be.

Even if it is true that "many" women tend to rely on their friends in their choice of a partner, that doesn't answer the OP's question as to why do women choose "bastards"? We're assuming these friends are women too, so you're saying these friends and the woman choose "bastards?" Why?

I do believe that it is true that many women like to look good (not just physically) in the eyes of other women, but why would this lead to them choosing "bastards"? What is good about these guys?

I don't know if the OP is correct or not. All I know is that the people I know do not go about choosing bastards as their husbands. At least, not to my knowledge. We all need to be confident in our skin and stop relying on what other people think. We'll all be much saner and happier.

Isn't this sort of an exaggeration? How long is it going to take them to be financially sound? Are they even married?

I get the sentiment of the question. Infact, I am a woman and I've wondered it myself.

Thankfully, my sisters and the close friends I have are not like this. Maybe it's the type of people I have around me or something but most people (both men and women) I know are pretty responsible and level headed. The thing is I get annoyed/fed up easily with certain types of people so probably attract other types of people. We all need to evaluate the type of women/men we attract.

I get the sentiment of the question. Infact, I am a woman and I've wondered it myself.

Thankfully, my sisters and the close friends I have are not like this. Maybe it's the type of people I have around me or something but most people (both men and women) I know are pretty responsible and level headed. The thing is I get annoyed/fed up easily with certain types of people so probably attract other types of people. We all need to evaluate the type of women/men we attract.

Are you in Nigeria? Just curious.

My suggestion is NOT to get married. Are you ready to get married? What is the rush? Why are your parents rushing you? Why is the girl rushing you? How old is she? Where do you both intend to live once you get married if you guys don't have jobs? What is your plan for the future? Have you and your girlfriend/fiance/whatever discussed your plans for the future? Do you both know what marriage means?

Shoot, I have so many questions.

@Just Good, thanks for your comment. Yes, I am happily married.

I am just saddened when I read some of these posts, then I remember that it's not mandatory to get married to someone that's unfit for you. If there's a man out there that demands things that you consider ridiculous, then don't marry him. Yes I know at times that one can be desperate, but at that point that person would have to decide if he/she wants to be unhappy for the rest of their life or not. My husband always says that the goal in a marriage is to be happy and help each other grow. Sometimes I wonder what people think the goal of a marriage is (probably just to have children).

At the end of the day, everyone should just make sure they know who they are and what they believe before they get themselves into what is supposed to last a lifetime, and hopefully a happy one at that. We can't change anyone so we shouldn't think when we get married, we'l'l do that. WE should get to know the person now and open our eyes to the red flags, they are typically not hard to see.

Is this a serious question? Have there been studies done on this? lol You guys crack me up.

Maybe she was simply insecure. Because one girl did this to you doesn't mean ALL girls do. I don't understand the consistent generalizations on these boards. You only gave us one example of this and somehow now ALL girls do this?

Mai_Suya, what exactly are the women saying here that is so bothersome, you pity their men, if they are infact married? What has anyone really said except that everyone wants/should be respected? I truly do not understand why it's so hard for people to understand that women should be respected too, that women were not created by God to be stepped on, that men can do stuff in the house, that life doesn't revolve around men? I don't get it. My dad wasn't like this, many men I know aren't like this. But everytime I come to this site, they always seem to be here. Where do these people grow up? I just don't get it.

In my opinion, people are allowed to date their friend's ex, I really do not see the big deal in that in and of itself. BUT ,
In this case, the issue is that he broke up with his girlfriend because of you, correct? It is my opinion, that no one should ever enter into a relationship with someone else if that person broke up his/her current relationship for you.  I think that's very telling and just means that the person might break up with you for another person. It is my belief that people should break up their relationships because the relationship itself is not working, not because they are looking outside the relationship. To me, that kind of attitude (where one is constantly looking outside his/her relationship) is very damaging.

Most people I know already have egalitarian marriages. I don't think it's that odd to find Nigerians in these marriages.

Like a previous posted mentioned, find a guy that you're compatible with. It's a waste of time listing out what one man might find disrespectful. They don't all attend a class where they tell them what is acceptable and what isn't. When you're dating and during many many discussions you'll have, I'm sure you'll have a better understanding of what your guy deems respectable or not. If this doesn't jive with your understanding, then move on.

My husband happens to cook a lot, he even bakes. Why? He just likes to do it. His mother happened to teach him and he likes it. I, on the other hand, am not really a fan, but I do some. It happens to work for us. Just know who you are before you marry someone. There's no rule book.

It's really simple, ignore these girls! I always wonder how I hardly ever know these people you guys are talking about. It's because they annoy me too and I'm a woman, so they're typically not my friends.

And can some of us Nigerians stop our generalizations? Gosh, this board is full of generalizations.

I personally don't understand why some people get married. It's not mandatory, it's a choice. If you do decide to get married, think clearly about it and the 2 individuals involved should talk extensively about what that means before they do so. It simply makes no sense to me that someone would say their husband/wife does not come first, it simply doesn't! I thank God for my husband and his understanding of marriage. I thank God that he knows how to talk to his parents and is not a coward. I also thank God for the person I am and the way I see things. When a MAN leaves his family to become one with his wife, they are a new family. Yes, even before they have kids. Their responsibility is now to each other. Yes, they still have some attachment to their parents and siblings but I wouldn't call it responsibility. I can't think of the accurate word to use right now.

Their families should also understand that they are now a new family and if they do not understand, each spouse should be able to talk to them and hopefully if they are not idiots and are intelligent enough, they'll understand. Yes, my family raised me and I'm happy to help them whenever possible, but that's my choice. I chose to get married, my first responsibility is to my spouse. Both me and my spouse would take our parents in if they need it, we'll help our siblings out in anyway we can, but we will always put each other first. Even when we have kids! but that would be more dicey .

I don't know why some people choose to deal with these things and still get married when the warning signs are right there even before the wedding!