I don't know anyone who wants #2, so I don't know why it's a shock to a few.

#1 seems a little too unreal though, if you know what I mean. Women are not looking for men without flaws, that's impossible. Just a respectful, intelligent, independent (is not glued to his mama), ambitious (doesn't have to be rich now, but should be hardworking and looking to make it in life in a respectable job), God fearing, and so on guy. Everyone is different though.

The real question is why does this concern you? I mean seriously, mind your own business.

I don't know why a woman needs to be married before 25, there's no rule out there in the world that says such things. People are single at 25 for different reasons, none of which are really your business in anyway. And no, before you go about saying I'm only saying this because I'm "old" and not married, I got married at 24, but that was me and my husband's choice. Others have their reasons for what they do with their lives. Do your thing and let others live in peace. The world would be a much better place that way.

They call each other by their first names.

What did you aunt's inlaws want her to call her husband? lol People sha, we're so good at not minding our business.

Siena, I apologize then.

Ok, does he admit any fault on his part? I'm not saying you're 100% right and he's 100% wrong. Do you admit any wrongdoing and does he? You both have a part to play in this and you both have to be honest about your parts. If he heaps everything on you, that is just counterproductive and would not solve the problem. Does he want the problem to be solved? It takes two. You both need a counselor.

Obviously, I think all he's doing is wrong. I have to admit that I might not be a regular Nigerian though. Thankfully, I found my husband and we have the same undyling beliefs. I don't know how people deal with your situation. I have to say that from all you stated, there were red flags from the beginning. He separated you from his friends, you didn't really meet any of them. Basically, you didn't really know who he was. It was like he had two separate worlds, one with you and the other with his family/friends. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Your husband seems very disrespectful. Taking calls when you're having a serious conversation about your relationship. I don't know what to tell you. Have you guys tried counseling?

I don't think you have a problem. Don't let any man try to undermine your self esteem. You both need to have serious conversations about everything. I only hope he's receptive.

With all that said (once again), you and your husband need different things. He likes the company of friends. He shouldn't separate you from them though, that's odd. He likes talking on his phone with friends, there's nothing wrong with that. He just has to still have time for you and not pick up every call when you're having a serious conversation. It's rude.

Once again, I'm sorry.

Siena:

Yes, some of the things said regarding ladies that can't have kids have been pretty crude, and unduly harsh.

But, those that say they can't stay (including myself) are not being judgemental.
It's just choice. One might say adoption's the answer, and yes, it could be. But it's worth noting adoption's not for everyone, especially if they don't already have at least one child of their own to begin with.

I'm pretty sure no one said adoption is for everyone. We are all different, that's the beauty of the world. Everyone is free to make their own decisions. This is why we all should really know who we are and who our partners are before getting married. Just like I wouldn't want to be married to you, you probably wouldn't want to be married to me. Hopefully, people realize these things before they get married.

God help us all.

dani1luv:

Adoption wont b the solution

Are you talking to me? How does my decision affect yours? The OP asked a question and I answered. How does my solution affect you? Nigerians, in general, are just so freaking annoying. Mind your own damn business abeg.

My husband and I want to adopt. Infact, he thinks we should just adopt and forget birthing our own . According to him, there are a huge number of children out there that need homes. If we're both fine with this, how does it freaking concern you? Please o, God has put us on this earth for our own journeys. Handle yours and I'll handle mine. Abeg!

Yup, I would. We would adopt, we hope to do that anyway.

Personally, all the stuff you mentioned would bother me. My husband and I have these guy friends (who come from the same family) and their houses are open to their families to come in as they please. We talk about this all the time about how we'll hate to have been married to such a family. I'm sorry, we're both quite close to our families and all, but have this mindset that our nuclear family comes first. We're trying to build our own family and believe there should be a healthy limit to how the families we were born into, come and go in our house. I mean, they can stay in our house anytime, but we just believe they shouldn't randomly be coming and going like it's their house. Our families don't do that anyway. Everyone needs some level of privacy, abeg.

As for him asking his exes about your marriage, that is just stupid. He shouldn't even ask his family about your marriage. I don't understand where people get these ideas from. It's just so unwise. I believe a spouse should place his priority on his/her spouse. It doesn't mean the person cannot have friends, obviously not.

With that said, you still have to understand that because you come from a culture where extended family networks are not huge doesn't mean he should think the same way. He just has to respect how he handles things with you and his family/friends and to always (all things being equal) put his nuclear family first. I have to say though, that you guys dated/courted right? Are things really different from how it was then?

Haba, do whatever you want to do. Do your friends live your life?

You seem to like blond girls, as all the pictures you posted were of blond women. I wonder why people do so much lol. I don't like blonds, I think people with darker hair are so much prettier.

Sammy107_d:

Hey and whats with the dozen names folks dole out?

Of the score! I have, i can only recall: Olaoluwa Samuel Oluwafemi Oluwabuyikunmi Adeboye, plus surname

Whats with that hun??

For real, I'm not sure what the point is. Everyone contributing to naming a child that's not theirs. lol.

KarmaMod, that's a nice looking couple
.

KarmaMod:

Da Phoenix, why dont you ask "Monica" for advice or Robin Thicke's wife. Lol

davidylan:

that is the key to a successful marriage. Get ready to learn its use.

Good for you David, I hope you find what you truly want in a spouse. I've found mine and we're content with the way things are. Thanks.

yea subservience, that's the most important thing in a spouse. lol.

KarmaMod:

I can understand Boston cos that's true but in NY especially the city ESPECIALLY Queens and Brooklyn, many are with black dudes. Black and white guys. hardly with their own, esepcially the younger generation, kinda weird

I'm going to be more vigilant now! lol. I know I've seen them mixed young'uns on the train. I'll pay more attention now. I admit most of my view is based on the Asians in Boston, and there are many over there.

KarmaMod:

Uh not sure what part of New York you live but half black half asian are many in the city so obviously one is sleeping with the other

Hmm KarmaMod, I guess I'm blind. I've only been here for a year so who knows. I'm in Manhattan and Queens. I'm just saying in general, MOST Asian women I see are with white guys (if not with other Asians). In Boston (where I was before), most Asians were also with white guys. And like gabryl said I'm also focusing more on the Chinese and Japanese. Not really sure about others.

There is one Asian girl that goes to my church that grew up in Jamaica, Queens and basically "acts" black. I hate saying that, but can't figure out a better way to say it at the moment.

Whatever.

Some Africans tend to have Biblical names, Gabriel, John, Andrew, Peter, Michael.

They are not typically randomly called Ryan, Jamie, Laura, etc.

My husband has both a biblical and a Nigerian name. My kids might have the same.

In the US sha, you hardly ever see an Asian woman with a Black guy, you ALWAYS see them with white guys. My husband (a Nigerian) did date a Japanese girl when he was in college and would infact have married her. She went home one time and her parents didn't allow her to come back because of the relationship. She did eventually come back though, a few years after.

I also agree with KarmaMod, I'm not sure why Black women have a hard time dating white guys, I'm always excited when I see one (especially if they're married). I mean I see black guys with white women all the time, I'd like to see it the other way too. I've been trying to convince my sister to find a white guy. For me, it just didn't happen because I went to an all female college and when I graduated, I started hanging around mostly Nigerians. If not, I would definitely have at least tried. I do find some white guys attractive, they can't be pale though. I'm not attracted to those who are pale or even blond (both men and women, always wonder why people love blonds so much). I'd rather darker hair.

Well, my husband is my best friend so ,

I don't think Nigerian men are cursed. I think all we need to do is find the normal ones. People complain a lot about guys and vice-versa, but all we really need to do is try to attract the right people to ourselves. Sometimes we go for what is obviously the wrong person, because of other things we consider important. We all just have to try to know who we are and not let outside influences (like what our friends might think or someone's status, et al) deter us from what might be normal, hard working men.

I say this because truth be told, many of the guys I know seem to be normal. Why? Because guys that think the way a lot of nairaland folk do annoy me. I don't develop any sort of friendship with them because I would be continously in disagreement with them and always get upset. Friendships are supposed to be fulfiling, so if all I keep getting is stress, then it's time to not be friends.

I am married to a Nigerian guy and my brother and brother in law and his siblings are Nigerians. They seem normal to me. Not because we're all related and such. Just through conversations, you know the type of people they are. I don't know any young Nigerian guys that like the idea of marrying more than one wife. That went out in our parent's generation for the most part. I grew up in Nigeria and I don't have the local, traditional mindset. Infact, I detest a lot of cultural things. I find a lot incompatible with my Christian faith. So be it.

Are you really married to this guy?

If you've simply told him that you're uncomfotable with his relationship with this girl (and you're being reasonable about it), then he should simply cut off the relationship. I don't understand why a married man would rather please another woman, but not his wife? It doesn't make sense. My priority is for my spouse. We're both reasonable. If something is bothering one of us, we discuss it. This thing just happened to a couple I know and it turns out more was going on with the other girl. And we all knew this other girl and went to the same church. You have to find out what the heck is going on because you'll just be miserable forever.

I agree completely with KB1 on this one. Most people just realize there's no real rush to enter into something that's supposed to last a lifetime. I mean, we have to agree that some of us rush into marriage.

My husband hates to be late to anything. I mean anything, even events where we know everyone else will be late. It's a principle thing for him and I'm basically just trying to respect it. I mean, it makes sense. Why be late for an event? It is disrespectful. If you ask him, he'll still say I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm much better than I was before. It's not that I even wear much make up or anything, I just tend to not wake up on time or miscalculate what time we need to leave the house to get somewhere on time.

In all, I think you should just present it to your spouse as an issue of respect. There's no real reason to be late for anything so there's really nothing to respect on the side of the spouce that's always late. It's the spouse that wants to be early/on time that needs to be respected.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I really have no clue what you should do as it would totally depend on your relationship. I've known people to date for quite a while and then get married but everyone is different. It's obvious you'd rather get married earlier so that's what you want and your boyfriend should take it into account. Do you know why he wants to wait 5 years? Is there an actual reason? Is he just not ready? What does not ready mean to him? What would make him ready? These are the type of questions I'd pose if I am in your situation.

Everyone is shouting like 30 is the end of the world. We're way too hard on ourselves.

pawn89:

find a woman of your dream?
Am sure it does not work that way, get any woman of your choice, make her the woman of your dream. that my take

Hmm. I don't know if that's a good idea, in fact I'm pretty sure it isn't. There's no need to change people to who you think they should be. SImply try to find the kind of person you want (within reason of course, as there's no perfect person). I think it's quite dangerous to try to change people to who you think they should be.

I would simply dump the boyfriend. Very fast in fact.

drrionelli:

@shilla:
He's treating you as he does because you're allowing him to do so. You and he are in mutual control of the relationship, but you and only you are in control of yourself.

If this boyfriend of yours has no respect for your feelings and your input to the relationship, why in the world do you want to be involved with him? Try this: Ask yourself (and be very honest) the following questions.

1. Was I better off without this man in my life?

2. Am I better off without this man in my life?

3. Will I be better off without this man in my life?

Remember that a leopard does not change its spots and your boyfriend is not likely to change any behaviours that compromise you. Only you are responsible for your happiness, so it's up to you to take the steps to do just that--make yourself happy.

This is exactly what I was going to say. He is treating you this way because you are allowing him to. That is all. Aren't there other men out there? Why do you have to stay with this particular one? Does everything have to be so hard? I'm not saying you won't fight or have disagreements with a good man, but you still have to be able to communicate with the person and you won't feel like the person is killing you. This is truly really simple.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I do have to say that you should simply find someone that fits your criteria, and not try to change a woman to be what you want. That doesn't really make sense. If you know what you want and the person you're seeing is not that, why do you try to change the person? So the person would grow to resent you and hate her marriage? Everyone should be free to be who they really are with their partners and noone should be trying to change anyone. I'm not saying we shouldn't compromise, but we all have a basic foundation of who we are and that should not be changed by/for anyone.

She'll definitely come your way soon, that's the spirit! I know tall girls that have dated and married shorter guys. They are out there, its not impossible.

Hmm, my husband always says he's going to make it a point to take any future daughter(s) we might have out (for dinners, to museums and such), not to spoil them but so it's not foreign to them and so they don't seek such things from random men. Actually, I think he said some older guy back home in Nigeria told him that and it's something he'd like to do too.

As of now, we don't celebrate Vals, but I have no idea if we'd do it for our kids. We shall see when we reach that bridge.

But sistawoman, what you do seems like an awesome idea to me.