Sapphic:

I do not know what you have decided to label with the appellation "Lagos City". Lagos Island is exactly what it is i.e. "Lagos Island" or "Isale Eko". It is distinct from for example Victoria Island. What I challenged was your saying that Lagos is a state and not a city. I have argued that it is both. Now, i have not been to Nigeria in several years, so I do not know if the term "Lagos city" is now used interchangeably with "Lagos Island", this however does not remove the fact that vast parts of the state is a city. Lagos State is predominantly like London. In as much as there are no states here, London is the equivalent of a state, with the local boroughs being the equivalent of local government areas. Nobody will argue that due to the history and commercial clout of "The City of London" (or to spread it further, the whole of Central London), that that part of London is the only city, while places like Chelsea, Tottenham, Camden etc are not. The fact that there is a "City of London" has not and does not remove the fact that in general London is in fact a city (despite having suburbs like Richmond etc).

I agree with Sapphic. Yes, Lagos is a state, nobody was arguing that, but it's also basically a city. It's basically a huge metropolitan area (for those that live in the US). Yes, there are towns ofcourse, but in general the vast majority of the state is pretty much a city. Surulere cannot be a town, is it? I grew up there and it did NOT feel like a town.

JJYOU:


smarter i think.
a 25 yrs guy and 25yrs lady is usually equal 20yrs guy and 35yrs lady in my book. that excludes our exceptional david.

looking at NL, look at people like topup, karma, gamine, sisi jinx and even good old funmi are far 10yrs+ above their age.

I understand what you're saying, but it's not always the case. I consider myself an "old soul," have always been that way, so has my husband. I also don't think many women are as mature as we think. Either way, 10 years or more is just too much for me. I'm 27 and can't imagine being married to a 37 year old. I'd truly like to grow with my husband, be with him through the phases of his growth in life.

Someone brought up JayZ and Beyonce. What the heck does that have to do with anything? People should stop mentioning random celebrities when trying to make intelligent points, it doesn't make sense.

KarmaMod:

Since when is being obsessed with getting "masters" aboard as opposed to getting a job IN THEIR COUNTRY a good thing?

A number of people I know who went for their masters abroad (typically the UK), did go back home. So it's not like they are all not going back home to get a job.

Still, I think the points server made are not pros for Lagos. Server, you're basically saying it's a good thing to always want to "keep up with the Jones'?" It's good to want to do well in life and all that, but striving for something so you can say yours is better than the next person, I'm not sure about.

Where do you guys live? I've never ever come across any woman that is strictly looking for a guy that much older than her. I'm sure they are out there, no doubt, i'm just wondering why none of them are people I know.

I do think that men tend to mature later than women (sorry guys), but I don't think they have to be at least 10 years older to find one that is mature enough. For me, I'm not going to lie, 10 years would have probably been too much for me. I wasn't looking for any specific age, mine just turned out to be only 4 months older.

The answer is still it depends! I know someone that has been on a work permit for at least 6 years now and still doesn't have her green card. Her brother on the other hand got his in a year or so it seems. Not all employment based green card applications are the same. If you go to one of the websites someone gave you, you'll see that there are different categories based on things like the level of the degree, # of years of experience, etc. Basically USCIS is crazy.

lol

LIMUEL:

You win
Hope this settles it
ha ha ha

Yes!
Wasn't trying to be a pest though.

LIMUEL:

fs,
You never give up
There are always exceptions

lol, you're right, I never give up. You made my point though. There are always exceptions, that's what I'm saying. You were saying 7 years is way too long and I'm saying it might/might not be.

I grew up in Lagos and have only been to 3 other states (Ogun, Oyo and Osun) and I think it's sad. My husband grew up in Ilorin, has been to many other states and also lived in Lagos. I wish I had that sort of background. I tend to make fun (not to their faces) of people here in the US that haven't been out of their state (and there are many of them, some haven't even been out of their towns), but I think for a country like the US, it IS kinda sad if you limit yourself to your own remote corner of your state. They have better transportation that should make it easier to see other places. In Nigeria, it's just what it is. If your parents and family members are all in one state, there are very limited reasons to go visit another, especially considering the hassles to get there.

At the end of the day, when we move back to Nigeria, we'll probably end up in Lagos. Why? It's what I'm used to, that's where my friends/family are, that's where THE jobs are. Also, there aren't that many other cities to choose from and I'm not inclined to live in a rural area. I do wish there were more developed industries in different cities like we have here so people would be more dispersed all over the place.

LIMUEL:

Dear fs seven years can be very boring for an undefined relationship
Dont even try imagining it . It can be very frustrating hanging in for 1,2,3, 7 years without a dream

I don't know. The couple I know that had a 7 (actually I think it was 8, not sure) relationship, got married last year and they are/were not bored. But they talked to each other and knew what their eventual plans were. and were definitely not in an undefined relationship.

KarmaMod:

Did you happen to miss this part, fs?

Just when she had someone else coming with their own SERIOUS intentions after 7 years, he just started THINKING of marriage.

He said "if he had known he would have sped up the pricess". In other words, she should have degraded herself by dropping hints that he should propose.

He wasted time and the girl left. Surprised the family even allowed this so called relationship to even last this long

Karma, I understand what you're saying. I'll just disagree with your suprise that their family allowed this to happen, because personally I don't think it's their family's business, but that's just me. We're not talking about people in their 30s/40s here, are we? I don't know about the girl "degrading" herself to hint about marriage. All I'm saying is that they both should have been talking about it. I have no idea who brought up marriage first in my relationship, it just probably came up. As a relationship progresses, it is my understanding that the 2 individuals involved would have very good communication with each other, there'll be no pretense/forming/what have you and from there talks about the future would come up. But I realilze I probably live in a fairy tale land, where people can't have open, honest conversations, in what I assume is a trusting relationship.

When he said he just started thinking about marriage, I took it as he wanted to start actual plans to get married, not that they had never talked about the subject in 7 years. If that's the case, then well, I understand why the girl left. I still would like to know what age they were when they started dating.

LIMUEL:

Why the confusion?

You said he became boring for her? Maybe it's the word you used that confuses me. I'm saying even if they got married, what would have changed to make him less boring? If she left because he was boring, wouldn't that mean that they definitely shouldn't have gotten married then?

It doesn't matter really. We're all just throwing out possible reasons for her departure. She might have had solid reasons, who knows.

KarmaMod:

Gbam. The same people that say when "have short shelf life" are the same ones saying the girl should have stayed. Hilarious

No one is saying the girl should just stay if the guy has no intentions. That's why we (at least I) are asking him if they had had conversations about marriage/the future/etc. Also, I asked if they started dating at a young age. I mean, if they started dating at 18, do they really have to be married at 25? The thing is that they must have had different views of their relationship for it to just break down unexpectedly. I've known people that met in college and waited till a number of years after graduation before they got married. They both knew their plans, that's probably the difference.

Okanran:

Very apt. _{'Tis quite refreshing 2 read a non biased comment frm the opposite sex!}

Trust me bro, peeps wth evil intentions don't go about displaying it. Pray u don't come across such!


@ Topic: It behoves us all to always be cautious in our dealings wth the opposite sex. In as much as we're human, we shld also learn to make the right decision, hw u do that is left 2 u!




P.S: Shine ya eyez!

I agree with Limuel though. How does one go about doing what this girl did blindly? I'm sorry, I don't think there was no chance for her to be more cautious and vigilant about the whole thing. Even her friend had doubts.

And it's not every guy that does it. Your friend just happened to fall for one that does.

LIMUEL:

What were you doing in a relationship for seven years?
You simply became boring for the chick
Please learn and wake up
You were not paying attention to the signs
pick up your pieces and move on

Limuel, he became boring for the chick? Really? How would marriage have solved that considering it's supposed to last a lifetime? I'm confused.

No need to call women names. Come on, are we all really unreliable? If that's so, doesn't that make your mum or any sisters you might have unreliable too? Ya'll should relax abeg.

Yes they were together 7 years. Please, how old were they when they started dating? To me, it really depends on that. If you started dating someone at 18 and you're 25 now, that seems normal to me. I don't think he wasted the woman's time. I think she ended up wasting his time and effort he put into the relationship, unless ofcourse, he had issies. We don't know that since we're hearing his story and not hers.

My question again is did you guys talk about marriage/the future/etc? Did you guys have good communication?

Even if the man was going to leave his wife, it's just wrong!

I always say, people should leave relationships because the relationship itself is not working. People should not be leaving relationships for someone else. I firmly believe that a relationship entered into this way would more likely than not fail!

I'm sorry.

I'm a bit confused though. Her reason for going with another guy is because she wants to get married? Did you two not discuss marriage, the future, your long terms, etc, at all? I know I oversimply things sometimes, but I just wonder how this happens. So she's marrying the other guy? Has the other guy always been someone she has known? Do people just marry random people because they want to be married? That last question is not for you, i'm just trying to understand her logic.

I mean, if I were her and I was with a guy for 7 years, I'm pretty sure that we'd have talked about the future/marriage/something during those times. I mean, I was with my husband for 3 years before we got engaged and we talked about these things. The fact that he proposed to me wasn't a suprise (the actual engagement was), but not the fact that he proposed. I'm always amused when people are suprised their boyfriend proposed to them. My first question is haven't you both talked about your future? Where the relationship is going?

Once again, I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you, but if she would leave you just like that for another guy, I'm thinking you're better without her.

Oh please, marry the girl. If you were really concerned about this, why did you bother dating her? She's not owned by her ex, so move on. I'd be annoyed if her ex actually has issues with this.

He doesn't want to have sex before marriage, let him be. That's not even the real issue.

The real issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication between the two of them. Communication is key to any relationship so it's my opinion that you should hold off on the marriage. Obviously, I think you should talk to people that actually know you and not us strangers on here. I personally can't imagine my fiance not being there when I was moving (my husband and I moved several times before we got engaged or married and we always helped each other). Do you both talk during the week? Have you talked about her reasons for not coming over? Do you go over to her house? When do you guys talk?

This just seems odd to me.

lol

My husband is 4 months older than me.

It depends on the girl, that's all I can tell you. Personally, I've actually never celebrated the day, it kinda annoys me. But it can be fun.

I don't think most people know what they would truly do in such a situation. At the end of the day, the goal for me would either be to heal the relationship or to end it. There's no living as a "married couple" the way you described here.

I'm with Sapphic on this one.

Just do you. Everyone should just be who they are. Afterall you want the person you marry to know the real you and vice versa.

O please, he is young. He doesn't even sound mature enough. It's like my 22 (23 in April) year old brother coming to tell me that he's getting married. Please, he's definitely too young. Yes, some people are more mature than others (I've known them), but others aren't, and this poster seems like one of them. If he has to come to a forum to ask the question AND then suggest creating a fight so he can break up the relationship. This is mature? This is someone that really loves the girl enough to marry her? And in a heartbeat is ready to break up with her?

You've been dating for 5 years, but you started dating at 19. I still say there's no rush. This doesn't mean you should take your time in deciding to get married, but you should know for sure that it's what you want to do and would not need to ask complete strangers!

I'm sorry, I'm a woman and her behavior is annoying. If she doesn't call, I think you should move on. I have not had many relationships (just one real one that ended in marriage) and I have to say, I don't remember ever waiting for him to call me. We both just called, every single day, somebody called. Yes, people play games but it's obvious to me that you're not playing games and the girl should know that. If she wants to be serious with you, she should pick up the freaking phone and call. It's not like you haven't discussed it with her, you have, 3 TIMES!!! Please, I'm annoyed for you!

People are just weird sha. What does it being proper have to do with it? Do ya'll like living by imaginable rules or something? If you don't want your girlfriend to be older than you, then don't date her! If you find out after the fact (which you shouldn't if age is THAT important to you), then leave her so she can move on to someone else. For those that don't mind, leave them alone. Gosh, life is not that hard. Stop making up rules!

There's no specific age, although I hope most 21 year olds are NOT getting married. Really? 21? I wa 24 (almost 25 though) and even that sef is kind of young.

If we're going to say all things being equal (maturity level, finances ok, etc), then maybe 25 for women and 27 for men is ideal? No idea, I just put that out there. Definitely not 21 though. We have forever to be married, why rush it.

btrue:

I'm Black American. He is Yoruba. I didn't know of the non-approval until after the engagement. I had no clue that things like this would happen to me . This should have been explained to me before the ring and popping the big question. I deserve the right to know the challenges that I/we should be facing. Now everything is just difficult Although love does make you a fighter and God offers the strength, but it truly wakes you up. Things definitely have to be put out on the table now. Its almost like hiding the truth when intentions, expectations, and challenges are not shared (big ones like mine and @topic, not trivial things that will be learned throughout marriage). Those big challenges will have a big impact on the future if they are not solved or deeply understood from the very beginning .

So sorry to hear that btrue. What are the challenges you are facing exactly?

To be honest, I don't know why adults can't talk to their parents and let them know exactly what they are going to allow and not allow, as respectfully as possible. I mean, I can't see my parents being difficult if I chose to or if my younger siblings choose to marry a non Nigerian / non Yoruba person. It's just not going to happen. Why? Because we (all the siblings) talk to them and let them know that they are being unChristian, have led their lives and we have our lives to live. You can't let other people control you. We're talking about responsible adults here, not those who are obviously marrying someone unfit for them. For us, the underlying factor is that the person has to be a Christian so if that holds true and there are two consenting, responsible adults, then God bless.

I know there are extremely difficult parents out there and I'm thankful I don't have those, but come on, difficult decisions have to be made. We can't let anyone, family or not, destroy our own marriages/families. It's unacceptable. Life is way too short.

It amazes me the advice people seek on here. You have to do what you have to do. No one is going to tell you to stay or not stay. Only you know why you want to go to Belgium and only you two can truly discuss why she doesn't want to go and come up with a solution. Besides, wait until you get the visa and then start worrying.

Challenges like what? I didn't have any of the issues you mentioned.

And no, true love does not conquer all.

Mai Suya:


No madam.

Those duties are primarily those of the wife; however, like I said earlier, I would GLADLY do them if ,firstly, she recognizes them as being primarily hers, and secondly, she asks NICELY.

BEAUTIFUL!! now you are talking. The best way to make life easier for each other is when each party sticks to his/her roles. shikena  

Mai Suya, if that's what you want, that's fine. Find a woman that fits that description, I'm sure they are out there. I'm assuming though, that this means that you'll be doing 100% of the working right? You'll be the only one working, while she takes care of the home? Just keep both of you happy.