sleekdoc:


@ fs

I'm sure you love your husband very much to have married him, certain qualities he has, the way he makes you laugh and wat not,
Ok please answer these question;
1) would you still have married him, if he was say 5'7 and with all his other qualities that u love so much ,
2) Like u said u dont know why ur attracted to tall guys, u just are, well since you dont know why (and im guessing most women think like that too), do you think that attraction can ever change the other way i.e u being attracted to some1 not tall (assuming u werent married that is ), since u "dont know why"
3) wat kind of complex did u mean, im guessing a "superiority complex" and finally,
4) why wouldnt it "jus look right to you" there must be a reason behind that
Please try as much as possible to give explicit reasons for your answers.
Hope you dont feel harassed by my questions, lol

No, I don't feel harassed by the questions, they are good ones. My husband always says there has to be a reason for something. So here goes:

1. Would I still have married him if he was 5'7 with his same other qualities? I probably wouldn't have found out about his other qualities because I wouldn't have been interested in him to begin with. I wouldn't have dated him, hence we wouldn't have ended up married. I wouldn't have given myself the chance to get to know him better in order to love him and then marry him.

2. I hope I understand this question. Can I be attracted to shorter guys? Probably, but thinking back, all the guys I liked were tall. So I'm assuming my brain wouldn't have allowed me to be attracted to shorter guys lol. Does that make sense? I have a cute, intelligent (the dude has a PhD from MIT), Christian, good to talk to, guy friend, but he's short and I'm thinking that's the biggest reason I'm not attracted to him at all.

3. What kind of complex? I'm not even sure. Just the consciousness that he's shorter than me and feeling uncomfortable about it. For you, the complex would be trying to compensate in other ways for being short.

4. Why wouldn't it look right to me? I'm not sure. Come to think of it, I think my mum is taller than my dad, at least by an inch. Hmmm. I never really noticed. Ok, maybe the height difference is the main thing, an inch or 2 might be ok but beyond that it just looks odd to ME. I know you're asking why again? lol. It's all superficial really. How would we kiss standing? lol He's have to look up. lol I'm laughing at myself here. I'd try to think about it more, it's just something I've always preferred, like an innate trait.

Does this help?

Ok sleekdoc, I'm 5'10 and my husband is 6'4. I can't tell you why I am attracted to tall guys, I just am. No he didn't have to be 6'4, 6' would have been fine. Why? I'm just more comfortable that way. It's not that I feel less safe with short guys, not at all. I would just personally be more conscious about the height difference. Basically I'll have the complex I told you in my previous post not to have. Does that make sense? I would notice it all the time and it just wouldn't look right to me. That's just me, it's obviously a flaw .

lol so I went back to read your whole post since I just don't feel like working. I have a question. Have you noticed that many of the Black people in top schools (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc) are children of African/Jamaican/Islander's immigrants? Have you noticed many of these same people at top companies? Why? Why aren't they being held back as much as other Black people?

Look, there's nothing wrong with African Americans. The problem is a psychological one which manifests in reality and continues to breed the cycle we see today. Many have been told they can't do A, B or C. Many have been told they can't go to college, etc. Many don't have role models so they do what they see others in their neighborhoods doing. The schools they have in these neighborhoods suck (since school funding is based on tax dollars and the neighborhoods themselves are poor) and some parents are not active in their kid's lives because they have 2, 3 jobs, so the kids are not really doing well in school. I understand this and I'm not blaming the kids.

But there are still choices. It's just harder. No one is forced to go sell drugs (well, most times anyway). There are people from these same neighborhoods that end up succeeding. People want things NOW. Have you ever wondered why you see supposedly poor kids from these neighborhoods in the best sneakers? While some of us working can't afford such shoes?

There is racism, not a doubt. But I really believe many are trying to rise above that. The example you gave about the two teenagers just seems like from the get-go everything was against the black teenager that no matter what he did, he'd still fail? Did someone force the black teenager to use the credit cards he got all randomly and then not pay what he owes, while the white guy didn't use his the same way and thus has better credit?

To answer some of the questions you asked of me. I live in NYC, previously lived in Atlanta and Boston. There's racism in these places too. And no, i'm not the only Black person at my job, there are a number of them and most are African or Jamaican immigrants.  One of our HR Directors is Black and at my previous company, there were Black HR people, including one who is now a Director at a big financial services company. She's Nigerian.

I'm sorry outlaws, I didn't read your whole post. I read prittgrrr's and I'm with her. Different strokes for different folk. I already said that inter racial couples face obstacles from OUTSIDE forces and that can be a point of tension. It's in my first post. I would hope inter racial couples know about the possibilities of these and are ready for it. I would also hope that they would move to an area that is more tolerant (as much as it can be), than stay in an area where they are continously taunted.

I'm not ignorant at all, far from it, and yes I know that. I'm pretty confident of that fact actually. So you can say whatever you want to say. That is your problem. No one said there isn't an undertone of racism in this country, even when people are not trying to be racist. But like prittgrr said many many Black people have risen above such nonsense and are doing pretty well. So it's your choice to make. That is all.

tonye-t:

am sorry to assume, but if i should go by any of your comments then it shows that u might be some SADDI$$$T,

even on xmas u aint finding joy then there is a brought-up problem somewhere

Thank you o tonye. I'm a saddist because I don't like the EMPHASIS ON GIFTS, when Christmas is about something completely different. That is your problem. I believe in real relationships, real feelings because you want to do something, not because society says it's the day or season to do it. I hear many Americans complain about all the gifts they have to buy and all the debt they get into because of Christmas. When that is not even the purpose of Christmas. Nonsense.

I have a lot of joy during Christmas and in fact the whole year, thank you. Not because of gifts, but because of the precious life that I have and the family and friends that surround me. Abeg.

sleekdoc, just like you're trying to get tall women, why won't they also be trying to get tall men? I mean, I don't understand. You're complaining about tall women wanting tall men? Doesn't it make sense that most tall women would want tall men since as a society, that is what we mostly see? Guys taller than their women? For the shorter women who also want tall men because they don't want their kids to be short, I'm sure there are enough shorter women out there who don't mind shorter guys.

I'll say you should just be confident, and not have a complex. My husband and I have a short guy friend who was dating our tall friend and to me the guy had a complex. I think some guys even ask their tall girlfriends not to wear heels If you're going to be like that, abeg don't date a tall woman. We have another set of friends where the girl basically looks like a model (height and everything) and the guy is good looking as well, but on the shorter side. We just started a friendship with them and I can already tell that the guy is on the confident side, no complex issues (at least on the surface). Sometimes, tall women who have dated shorter guys stop because they feel the guys start to have a complex.

People just talk, not knowing why they say things or if what they are saying makes sense. That's the beauty of nairaland.

For me, the question is odd. Some same race marriages don't last either. I can't say one is better than the other, as it depends on each individual in the marriage. If there's some statistic out there that can help us with this discussion that'll be great. I do know that in some cases, an inter racial marriage might be more difficult due to OUTSIDE forces, and not necessarily the couples involved in it.

In the cases you mentioned, I'm sorry but it seemed the guys were using tthe women (to an extent anyway) and I don't see how that would work anyway. All this talk about bad credit being modern day racism just helps to hold you back and nothing else. Please go read Ben Carson's Gifted Hands or Think Big. I read them years back and that's how my thought process works. No one is holding me back, yes there's some white priviliege, but there's also lots of opportunities for black people in the US. You probably won't get loans because of your own doing and not some man trying to keep you down.

I understand sistawoman, I do. The day just annoys me in general because people take it way too seriously. I know how my husband feels about me and vice versa. We personally do not celebrate Vday, I never have. I have to say that the way Christmas is celebrated (especially in the US) also annoys me. The emphasis on gifts and all that. These are the things that irritate me. Emphasis on stuff. It's just me though.

Feelitx:

Zesty,

is this child male or female? If the child is male,are you prepared to handle the trauma of your husband willing everything he owns to the child without you feeling some form of jealousy? I mean if he wills everything to this child and not your biological child? If the child is female, You can proceed.

I'm sorry, how old are you? Where in Nigeria do you live or are you from? I'm just being curious o. Even my father (in his 60s) doesn't think like this. I don't know many people who do. I know this forum brings all different types of Nigerians together sha. I'm thankful for the kind of Nigerians I know.

Zesty, the guy you're seeing, what kind of Nigerian is he? Is he like the one Feelitx above mentioned? I'm sure he's not, but I'm just checking.

Exactly, there is no baby mama drama. If there was, I might sing a different tune.

I wonder myself and I'm very much in love thank you. People are just different. I personally hate the fact that there's this one day that society capitalizes on so much as the day to show love to your spouse (specifically to the women). I don't know, it annoys me.

How much older are we talking?

Since the fact that he had a child was never hidden from you and doesn't bother you one bit (you know that truthfully right?), then if I was you, I'd go ahead. I have to tell you that I'm probably only Nigerian by birth and don't believe in many "cultural" things Nigerians say (like the guy has bad luck because the mother of his child passed on). I mean, what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are these people Christians that are saying this? Sometimes, I think we read different BIbles or something.

Personally, my husband and I are thinking of adopting a child in the future. We're both Nigerians. I'm just saying that to explain to you the kind of mindset I/we have. I believe one can truly/unconditionally love a child that they didn't give birth to. Do you believe the same thing? Can you truly love that child? If you can't, in the best interest of the child, no, you shouldn't marry his/her dad.

If you were the one that had a child, I'm sure your parents would be singing a different tune. Abeg.

Sure Deep Soul. Men can be immature, I understand that. Personally for me, the gap you mentioned is too much. But that's for me. Anyone can do whatever they please. Luckily for me, I found a mature guy around my age. I don't even think they are that scarce as I know quite a few. Immature people (men and women) in general annoy me so I tend to stay away from them and end up having more like minded people around me.

I've noticed it too actually and it kinda makes me happy lol. I'm a Yoruba girl married to a Yoruba guy, but I just find it refreshing to see more cultures marrying each other. i like it. I've also seen it the other way, but I do see more of the former. I do have an Igbo friend that specifically states she wants to marry a Yoruba guy. Her own reasons are that:

1. Her parents never took her to the village growing up and many Igbo men like to visit their villages often. She doesn't want to have to do this.
2. She doesn't speak Igbo well or at all.
3. She believes Igbo men are more controlling (that's what she said o, my husband and I even tried to persuade her that it depends on the guy, although we had one example where she was right).

Her reasons are basically why she doesn't want to marry an Igbo man as opposed to why she wants to marry a Yoruba man.

Please, you can find someone that you're both compatible and in love with.

From the way you asked the question, my answer is no, don't get married. How can anyone marry someone just to get it over with? There's nothing over with it. It's just the wedding that'll be over. The marriage would just be BEGINNING!

To me the guy just doesn't fit you. I don't know if you're too serious or whatever another poster said, but he doesn't fit you. You're NOT obligated to marry anyone because you've both met each other's families and he's done A,B, C for you! Please abeg, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. You can see the red flags, don't let anyone tell you to just get married and get it over with. Marriage has never solved problems before. It usually magnifies any previous problems.

Yes, your families might be upset at first, but they need to get over it. You're not living your life for them, not at all. You're only 22 and have been dating someone since 17. Please, leave this relationship. You know what you want, go find that. The dude would find another lady that fits him.

That's my 2 cents.

I'm going to agree with your folks on this one. I do believe you more in love with his status.

What do you mean by you know you love him? and yet in the same breath are scared of him and not free around him? What does love mean to you? There's a difference between love, lust, infatuation and everything in between. You're 22, there's no rush to get married. He's rushing because he probably feels it's time for him. Doesn't mean it's time for you.

Personally, I couldn't date someone that much older than me. How long have you even dated? It seems many Nigerians fall "in love" so quickly. I don't buy it.

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deleted.

Simple answer, no.

Tatase hit the nail on the head. I know it's Nigeria and we have silly work place issues, but seriously, she's under your supervision (you did her appraisal), but you still dated her? Please! She's probably not really dating you, just wanted to be done with her service in the bank. Find your own woman, there are plenty out there. How long have you known her? You're in love with her? Many Nigerians just seem to "fall" in love randomly sha. My fall is in quotes because I don't really think anyone truly falls in love, it's a decision we make to love someone. Love is not magic, it's a decision.

vv

Oh.

Ok, well she's your girlfriend, my answer would be to leave. That's easier said than done, but that's my first instinct, especially since you're not married.

I'm kinda having a hard time answering the question. Yes, you should simply tell your girlfriend she can't cook, but not exactly saying "Tobi, you can't cook." It should just kinda come up. My question though is, is this really a problem? Because many people are suggesting paying for cooking lessons for her and all that. Is it something she would want to do? Is it important that your girfriend/wife know how to cook? Does she think it's important? If you're both on the opposite ends of that, then you should both just probably move on.

Personally, no one is going to force me to learn how to cook unless I want to. The sly cooking lessons and all that would just annoy me.

Disclaimer: My husband does most of the cooking in our house.

I'm confused.

Are you saying she cheated on you OR when you met her she wasn't a virgin?

If the latter, I'm not really sure what you can do. I mean, there's nothing to be done.

Growing up, I think we only truly ate together (on the dining table) on Sunday afternoons. At least when I was a teenager (home from boarding house).

I don't have kids yet but my husband and I tend to eat at the same time, in front of the TV. Sometimes we don't, but most times we do.

Jarus:

To say Lagos is Africa's largest city is to murder Geography, if not English.
Have you ever heard Nigeria described as Africa's largest country? This will be most ridiculous an assertion. And Nigeria is by far Africa's most populous country.
The same thing applies in city. Lagos is Africa's most populous city, and doesn't even rank in Top 10 Africa's largest cities.
Ibadan is West Africa's largest city and third in Africa (behind Jo'burg and Cairo).

Land mass, and not population, is used as basis for saying which city/country is largest.
Population is used for saying which city/country is most populous, which is anyway only a semantic matter.

But what makes it confusing to many people is that population is more reckoned with, because socio-economic problems are directly related to population size and barely land mass. Population density is used to incorporate the two parameters, and it is also a highly reckoned with parameter for geographical and economic analysis.
Sudan, for example is far larger than Nigeria.

Lagos is NOT Africa's most populous city, it is CAIRO, Egypt. And about largest, biggest, most populous, etc, we're talking about POPULATION. I've never heard someone meausre largest by land mass. It's always been population. Why would it be land mass? Who cares if something has the greatest land mass?

I've helped before, not a big deal to me if we're in a sincere relationship. Not all girls go around mouthing off because they paid for something or gave a guy something, that'll be bizarre. Ya'll need to meet real people or just basically avoid those that misbehave. If you know you're in a relationship with a girl/guy that's quite proud or who mouths off, maybe you should leave it?

~Sauron~:

Lagos State. . . . .386 square miles.
Ibadan. . . . . . . . .1,189 square miles.

Ibadan is THRICE as big as the whole Lagos. . . .Ibadan is the largest city in the whole of West Africa.
Though, Lagos is more populous.

Ummm, I don't think anyone is talking about the SIZE of the city but about the POPULATION. When someone says a city is the largest they are specifically referring to population and not size. Who cares if some place is huge in size, what does that have to do with anything?

What's an Amature?

At this point, It doesn't really matter if you're being unreasonablle or not, you're the one in the relationship that has to deal with it. It's uncomfortable for you and you've told your partner about it and it's not something she's willing to stop. You make your decision from there. Some others might be okay with it, but that's not the point. They are not you. It doesn't mean she's cheating on you either, the guy is probably just her friend. Still, the friendship in your opinion is overstepping boundaries. That's all you need to use to figure out what to do.

Well, I think you're asking different questions and I'll to answer them.

Yes, i think it's ideal for each individual to make "it" on their own. "It" means different things to different people, but for me it simply means that each individual has goals/ambition, a job, is in school; has to desire to work and be successful in life. Both guys and gals.

The second question is, is a 2 income household the way to go? That depends on each family's goal. For me, I hope to always work. My husband also likes it that way. I went to school, I want to use my education. It's not ideal if both spouses' income are needed to live a comfortable life. Personally, I'll prefer if only one of our incomes is used in our day to day living, while the other person's income is completely put into savings/retirement. All in all, a 2 income household is ideal for my family.

The last question about settling for anyone just to make ends meet. I don't have an answer to that. I could say no, I would never do that, but I'm already married so who knows. In an ideal world, I'll say no one should settle just to make ends meet. But what does settle even mean?

I have just rambled some stuff here, hopefully I made some sense somwhere in there.