₦airaland Forum

Do you believe that the Flying Eagles can lift the trophy once more?

Agaisnt all odds Flying Eagles finally defeated the highly rated Gambian counter part. Hurry Eagles!!!

ROAD TO FINAL

Group B
Team P W D L Gf Ga Pt
Zambia 3 2 0 1 8 6 6
Nigeria 3 1 1 1 5 5 4
Egypt 3 1 1 1 2 4 4
Cameroun 3 1 0 2 4 4 3
N°. Match Date Venue Result



3 Nigeria Vs Zambia 21/01/2007 14h00 Pointe Noire 4 : 2

4 Cameroun Vs Egypt 21/01/2007 16h30 Pointe Noire 0 : 1

7 Zambia Vs Cameroun 24/01/2007 14h00 Pointe Noire 3 : 2

8 Egypt Vs Nigeria 24/01/2007 16h30 Pointe Noire 1 : 1

11 Zambia Vs Egypt 27/01/2007 15h00 Brazzaville 3 : 0

12 Nigeria Vs Cameroun 27/01/2007 15h00 Pointe Noire 0 : 2


1/2 Final

N°. Match Date Venue Result



13 Gambia Vs Nigeria 30/01/2007 14h00 Brazzaville 0 : 1

14 Congo Vs Zambia 30/01/2007 19h45 Brazzaville

What is actually wrong with Materazzi ? He keeps frustrating players and making them headbutt him maybe the next thing you would see on the pitch would be a player shooting him.Laughss

Am not asking you guys to support me but that is the fact, despite the fact that they are not topping the table @ the Premiership does not mean they not good, I say again ARSENAL ARE THE BEST PLAYING TEAM IN ENGLAND, believe it or not, if you like you can shoot me I don't mind but I can't shy away from the fact.

Do you agree that Newcastle United are killing Obefemi Martins game, I have watch so many of there matches and I must confess that they play the worst football in the Premiership.

I think Newcastle United need a quality playmaker, to deliver the passes to Obafemi Akinwunmi Martins.

Please you guys should pray for Martins.

I need your opinion.

Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

phone intimacy

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT,
But my wife out in the car still does!"

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "Bleep". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "Bleep" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John bleeped Mary) and intransitive (Mary was bleeped by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a Bleep), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a Bleep), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific Bleep).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Bleep! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, Bleep she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "Bleep". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations,

Greetings "How the Bleep are ya?"

Fraud "I got bleeped by the car dealer."

Resignation "Oh, Bleep it!"

Trouble "I guess I'm bleeped now."

Aggression "Bleep YOU!"

Disgust "Bleep me."

Confusion "What the Bleep, ?"

Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"

Despair "bleeped again, "

Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."

Displeasure "What the Bleep is going on here?"

Lost "Where the Bleep are we."

Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

Denial "I didn't fucking do it."

Perplexity "I know Bleep all about it."

Apathy "Who really gives a Bleep, anyhow?"

Greetings "How the Bleep are ya?"

Suspicion "Who the Bleep are you?"

Panic "Let's get the Bleep out of here."

Directions "Bleep off."

Disbelief "How the Bleep did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."

It can be political- "Bleep Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history,

"What the Bleep was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the Bleep is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the Bleep did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Bleep a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how,

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her,

"Well, Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action, Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says, "

He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a Mouth Gig.
They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail - you can expect a proposal within weeks.
They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a Mouth Gig")
They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee, my ex-girlfriend sure gave me great blowjobs!"
They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better - they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you,

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink,
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me,

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever,
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Why God never received tenure at any university,

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha, what a bone head!

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm, I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen, do you?

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No, that's your brain miss-firing.)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know, how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok, hold on, I'll check with the caveman, )

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.



Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:



Your age Used or New

1 - 12 Years (See note A)
13 - 16 Years New
17 - 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)

A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.



Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.



The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?" to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you" to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!". CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?



Ordering vs. On The Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.



Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.



Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park,
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park,
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska),
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park,
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park,
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park,
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park,
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Great Reasons To Be A Guy,

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten, "

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my LovePeddler.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm Hot!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said,
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so , would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"

Although am a Madrid fan, I believe Arsenal are the best playing team in the Premiership or what do you think even there B Team could even drew level with Tottenham first Eleven.

They play fantastic football, I want Ramon Calderon to Sign Arsene Wenger or What do you think Madrid fans?

Definately Nigeria can win the World Cup in 2010 with good preparation, good plan, and the time to start is now.

CHELSEA are spoiling Mikel's game as the days go by, Mikel is known as good player at the Youth Championship held in Argentina, and not forgetting thee African Nations Cup where he was outstanding, but atlast CHELSEA the BLUES as they are called are really spoiling the young mans game by not allowing him play like the MIKEL we know.

I have been thinking about his for while and could not figure out an accurate answer could you ladies help me out?

or better still if your boy friend takes you to an hotel how would you feel?

It's definatelty BUSH from United States not OBASANJO.

Some of them would look sexy example me,