₦airaland Forum

Lille might be a small club but they have a big heart, do not think because you defeated them by scoring that dubious goal means you have won, becareful Lille might just be another F.C PORTO.

Kanu Nwankwo (AKA) (PAPILO) is the greatest Nigerian Player ever!!!

I think Chelsea would win but Porto could spring up suprise Chelsea beware of Porto!!!

Three Wishes
1. I would want to become the most powerful man on earth.
2. Wealth
3. Make heaven at last.

Kolo Toure is a tout that was simply unsportingly for him to attack John Mikel OBI like an hungry Lion that has just seen his prey.

Infact Kolo should have been given a black Card if there was anything like that pretty bad.


Officials at Soho Square will await the arrival of Howard Webb's referee report into yesterday's match between the Gunners and Chelsea before deciding whether to take further action.


Toure, team-mate Emmanuel Adebayor and Blues' midfielder Mikel Jon Obi were all sent off in the closing stages of Chelsea's 2-1 win.

Frank Lampard and Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas were cautioned.

Sure it is definately healthy for someone to express how he or she feels about something but not to the deterrement of some character (Deformity of Character) that i won't accept.

Nothing can ever seperate me with REAL MADRID only death would not even the current crisis could do that, so all you Madrid be Happy cause they say there is light at the end of the turnel, we would definately bounce back, just like we defeated Bayern Munich 3-2 UP GALATICOS!!!

Yeah you guyz should never underate Madrid cause they would definately cause havoc to any team, especially Bayern Munich tonight.

jaybaby:
dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;d

Hey stop that!!! Try to appreciate other peoples joke don't condem lets see what you guys have got!!!!

Arsenal Gunners robbed Wigan Athletic of victory and there first loss at Emirates Stadium, cause Wigan had a good call for penalty that was just like the one that was awarded agianst Senderos in the previous match and when Arsene Wenger was ask about the incident he said he did not see it What a shame!!! Gunners surely derserved to loose and as if that was not enough Arsenal scored an offside goal which was allowed to stand.

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers,

Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

User Added
Knuckle Bleep
Dumb Bleep
Dip Bleep
Clit Lips
Lip Dragger
Stamp Licker
Cluster Bleep
Pecker Head
Waste of Skin
Dip Shit
Fat Head
Knob Jockey
Shit Stabber
Bleep Stick
Gimp
Dick Breath
Dill Smack
Beefy Tits
Crack LovePeddler
Turd Wipe
Tit Suck
Fool
Shit Bleep
Pube Plucker
Poppy Cock
Shit Sniff
Butt Nugget
Cunt
Bitch
Monkey Spank
Penis Wrinkle
Bleep Nut
Dick Munch
Nut Knocker
Pooshit
Cumdumpster
Gloryholer
Cum bubble
Sweater Meat
Rumple Foreskin
Slut Bag
Ass Monkey
Cock Smoker
Ass Pony
Shit Sickle
Butt Pirate
Poopy Dick
Pig Fucker
Moped Rider
Butt Hugger
Cum Smuggler
Sphincter Dart
Ass Bandit
Rump Ranger
Ass Assassin
Bitch-Licker
Anal Crusader
Rectum Ranger
Anal Munchkin
Spankmaster General
Ball-less prick
Fudge Packer
Cumbubbler
Cock Chomper
Ass Stuffer
Dicklick
Buttpirate
Assmaster
self-servicer
Handjob
Lube Licker
Cock Cooker
Assbag
General
Asswipe
Knob Shiner
Jerkoff
Dip Stick
Circus Performer
Whoremonger
Trollop
Dick shit
Arrow
Prick
Jackoff
self-service Master
Hoe
Douche Bag


Beavis and Butthead

Bung Hole
Fart Knocker
Knob Goblin
Nut Sack
Butt Munch
Dill Hole


Anatomy - Vagina

Mound
Meat Curtains
Box
Snatch
Axe Wound
Mutta
Muff
Arrow
Yoni
Lippies
Flaps
Salmon Lips
Humphole
Whisker Biscuit
Fuzzy Taco
Bearded Clam
Hatchet Wound
Smoo
Lippies
Gash
Slot
Tuna Town
Slit
Gouge
Snack Bar
Lips of Life


Anatomy - Breasts
Jugs
Fun Bags
Melons
Bullets
Cans
Rack
Titties
bosoms
Pleasure Pillows
Thingies
Anatomy - Penis
Chop
Pole
Stick
Dick
Monkey
Cyclops
Lingam
Pork Sword
Wang
Snake
Pig Skin Bus
Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger


Masturbation

"Tug of war with Cyclops"
"Choking the Chicken"
"Corralling the Tadpoles"
"Wanking"
"Having a Toss"
"Jerking Off"
"Slappin' the Salami"
"Flogging the Dolphin"

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here, "
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.

"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.


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ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio

ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."
-- Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-- Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON ZEN
"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work.
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

ON BATTING .667
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."


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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.

"Um, yeah, so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"


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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."


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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid, when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"


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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"


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An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall, "


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A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."


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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"


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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"


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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."


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Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."


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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"


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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."


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A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm, That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."


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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.

"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver. Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"


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A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."


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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."


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A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all, we also sell condoms here."


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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."


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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."


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A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."


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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.

The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"

The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"


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The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."


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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.


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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"


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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"


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. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your fucking canoe!"


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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Bleep dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Bleep me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"


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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."


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President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."


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A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".

Do you beleive that there is a difference between John Mikel Obi or Chelsea and that of Nigeria.

Mourinho is the problem with the way John Mikel Obi plays at Chelsea with the way he plays @ Nigeria.

The defeat suffered by our dear Super Eagles or should I say Sleeping Eagles is a welcome development, it would make the boys seat down and prepare early for the every tournament, they should not just say they are the best in Africa bu rather prove on it on the field of play.

It was a total disaster, with Nigerians only managing to score through penalty lets say the penalty was not awarded the score would have been 4-0. What a shame,

Definately my Country before Club because it is the Country that brought most of the players to lielight,

exu:
Were it not for the wondefully overzealous nature of the admin I'd quite possibly be tempted to call you a woefully misinformed little gay.

Unfortunately such language isn't tolerated around here.

Shame really.

Dont talk to me that way it's a free world and am expressing how I feel so if you don't like it then go and jump into the RED SEA ok.

I need your comment on these issues.

Jonathan Woodgate has been sold to Middlesborough, i don't know who brought that ideal that he should be sold when we are having defensive problem as Real why must such a defender be sold at this time that he is playing well, well maybe is because of the injury he sustained when he just join Madrid but I still can't be it the Woody is actually gone, I mean signed for Middlesborough, when Cannavaro is proned to errror.

What I think madrid need now is to buy a quality defender like this Gatefe defender Alexis, he is a good player cause I read in the report that Cannavro World Best has signed for Chelsea that after this season he would be moving to Stamfor Bridge.

NEWCASTLE UNITED are the worst playing side in the premiership, cause the way they play often tend to upset everybody, I watched there matches and got frustrated and have decided never to watch any of there matches again.

To me Newcastle United are the worst team in the Premiership I think they should be relegated or what do you think?

You said Obafemi Akinwunmi Martins (Oba-drive) is the worst striker in the Premiership I quite disagree with you ask me WHY I would rather say NEWCASTLE UNITED are the worst playing side in the premiership, cause the way they play often tend to upset everybody, I watched there matches and got frustrated and have decided never to watch any of there matches again.

You call a player who has scored up to 9 Goals in his first season at the premiership a worst striker What would you say of SCHEVECHENKO? Please answer me he is certainly no doubt the worst striker in the Premiership.

Whatever you name is Kitaun ? Don't try to discourage other people from expressing themselves that's a real bad character, and guess what it kills.

Advise for Kitaun
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT ME THEN JOIN ME.

kitaun:
My oh my!! This madness never seem to cease!

Stop saying that we are in a democratic regime where there is freedom of expression or are you a Military person?

Can all REAL MADRID fans identify themselves here!!!

Is it right for you to take your girl friend to an hotel? or better still for the ladies HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/LOVER WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO A HOTEL?

This is a crzy joke ho dare you joke about your Momma like that ARE YOU NUT?