₦airaland Forum

[quote author=r_o_b_b_y link=topic=36291.msg829742#msg829742 date=1169296251]this is exactly what i am going to do.

I will stop in front of them, step out and give my car to my friend so he can drive the old woman to a hospital, then i will stay with the girl and call for a taxi to take us to a resturant. [/quote]Huuuh that is very smart of you, I would do that likewise.

I thounght Eguavoan said he was building a new team, how come he still considers Okocha as a NIgeria player, fine Okocha has served this Nation for a long time, Do we EAGLES still need Okocha? When we have Oruma, Mikel, Obodo in the team certainly if Eguavoan is building a new team Okocha should not be included, he is too old let him go.

REAL MADRID would definately win the LALIGA, you might not believe this but mark my word mark this day, my prophecy always come to pass, definetly I GALATICOS would win this time around.

You better keep your eyes of her cause she is a NO GO AREA, so beware or do you want to loose both of them?

If a guy could not walk up to you and ask you out then he dosen't deserve to have you so you should forget about him, why are some guys so daft ? How could be asking your sister to make the runs for you what if your sister was not there in the first place what would you do

REAL MADRID were last night knocked out of the Kings Cup by Real Betis what a terrible week for Madridista, well Madrid would definately bounce back as they are known for that.

Well I still think Calderon is not the right man for the Madrid Presidency, can you see he is just trying to tear the team apart.

Well I think he should be sacked and another president should come in cuase he has failed us "MADRIDISTA".

He promised to bring "KAKA", "FABREGAS" but he lied .

So I think he should be given the boot. GO CALDERON GO CALDERON.

The recent comment on the players are evident that he does not have the power to lead Madrid to success.

U1:
Common Guys what is really wrong with this Fabio fellow and all the crew at Madrid fussing about Beckham's deal when infact they made him realise they don't want him prior to him signing the deal with Galaxy.Now they are mad.What's wrong?Even though I'm not a fan of Beckham I think they should leave the guy alone.

REAL MADRID is a club that is bigger than a player so if Beckham decides he wants to leave then let him leave, but he should have gone through the right way not signing for another culub while he still has contract with REAL.

MADRID don't need BECKHAM any longer.

Manchester United are going to beat Arsenal 2-0. No where to hide Gunners, it's judgement day @ Emirate.[/color][color=#990000]

globalaid:
nazzyon, do you buy phone in wholesale, i have a couple of phone to sell. Let me know if you are a reseller.

I need to buy a phone Motorola C168 that has radio, send me the price and how to get in touch with you, if you have it please let me know,

I need to buya phone Motorola C168 that has radio, send me the price and how to get in touch with you,

Roger Milla is the greatest Player to come out Africa.[color=#000099][/color]

I think that is best for SPICE BOY, what we need now at Real Madrid is young players.

crazykid:
When you see someone in white clothes comming to insert a neddle in your _anus

Definately Crazy Kid I do obewy the rules and that what makes me a man, so if you disobey any of the rules you can never date a lady and be happy, though the rules are very hard for most Nigerian guys, it is better to try than not to try at all,

Definately a computer does not have a gender and would never have so stop this, you are trying to stri up something between males and females, lol

crazykid:
What's wrong with you adeoba you've been smiling everywhere?

Leave Adeoba alone let him smile it seems smiling his one of the things he like doing may a HOBBY.

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control, your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask,

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them,

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings,

Windows 98 Error Codes Reference

Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001
Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr: 002
No Error - Yet

WinErr: 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file

WinErr: 004
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong

WinErr: 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused

WinErr: 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive

WinErr: 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware

WinErr: 008
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments

WinErr: 009
Horrible bug encountered - God only knows what has happened

WinErr: 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full

WinErr: 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB

WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!

WinErr: 00D
Window closed - Do not look outside

WinErr: 00E
Window open - Do not look inside

WinErr: 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened

WinErr: 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

WinErr: 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?

WinErr: 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software, Yet again.

WinErr: 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

WinErr: 01F
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.

WinErr: 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS session. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available.

WinErr: 844
Competing Product - Remove all competing products and install Microsoft equivalents.

WinErr: 910
Personal Data Communicate Difficulties - Could not transmit social insurance number and or tax details back to Microsoft headquarters for further analysis.

WinErr: 960
Minimal Effort - User has only reinstalled Internet Explorer four times while trying to get it operational, please reinstall again.

WinErr: 2000
You have not downloaded your daily Y2K and security glitch patch.

To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell


To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPSs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The
best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
high maintenance.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question,

"I'm going fishing."
Really means,
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means,
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means,
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means,
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means,
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means,
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means,
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"Good idea."
Really means,
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means,
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means,
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means,
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means,
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means,
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means,
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means,
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means,
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means,
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means,
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means,
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means,
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means,
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means,
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means,
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means,
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means,
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means,
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means,
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means,
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means,
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means,
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means,
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means,
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means,
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means,
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means,
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means,
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means,
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means,
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means,
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means,
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means,
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means,
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means,
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means,
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means,
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means,
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means,
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means,
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means,
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means,
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means,
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means,
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means,
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means,
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe,

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest,

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you UnCloth?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Can people really be this stupid?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer, Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

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A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her,

"Well, Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action, Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says, "

He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a Mouth Gig.
They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail - you can expect a proposal within weeks.
They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a Mouth Gig")
They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee, my ex-girlfriend sure gave me great blowjobs!"
They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better - they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you,